Happy New Year

The new year is kind of emotional for me. I really do not feel like celebrating anything in a group atmosphere...we are going to hang at home and watch movies with the kids. We bought some fake champagne! Holden is very excited about that!! I am sure I will have to put together the "movie theatre" which is just a bunch of blankets and pillows on the floor:) To them, it is a big deal.

I have been thinking back over the past year and wow...we have had some pretty big situations to deal with. We started 2008 with a house fire at one of our rental properties (the incident occurred on the 24th of December). The house was basically destroyed...we salvaged the walls and ceilings in the top floor. The basement and main floor were totally gutted and we started over. That was a very stressful time for us, to say the least. However, 9 months later it was beautiful~we are very proud of what it is now. That was a bad situation, that we worked through and the outcome was something to be proud of. The other major event in our lives was conceiving Beckett, but loosing him at 37 weeks. That was pretty traumatic...to say the least. But you know what? We are still here (we are a little damaged), we are still good parents to Holden and Grace, Cory and I have a deeper understanding of each other, and we are going to survive this and be better people because of Beckett. Loosing Beck will be one of the hardest things we get through...but we are getting through it. Gosh, I think if we can get through that...we will be so much stronger and better people and parents to our children.

We hope 2009 will bring happiness, acceptance, and peace to our family and for all families that have had to say goodbye to their precious children. I am sure all of that will take a while, but that is what I hope for. Who knows, maybe we will be blessed with another child to love. I always wanted at least 4 children. I guess we will see what 2009 brings!

Happy New Year to everyone!

There are so many things I could write about today...so many thoughts and different emotions.

I'll start with Grace...She has been talking a lot about Beckett in the last few weeks. In the beginning she didn't really understand, just thought we could get a new baby. She has never talked about missing him. She has just always just made some comments (very blunt, I might add) about her brother. Lately, she has been talking about him in a different way. She makes many comments a day about how he is living with Jesus and that he is in her heart. She told me she could feel him there. She also talks about him being with us at home. The other night as we were all sitting in bed reading a story, she stopped us and asked everyone to scoot over because Beckett was going to lay with us. I am not sure where this new perspective on Beckett came from. She has also been drawing a lot of pictures with him in it. Holden did that for about the first month after Beck died. Now he just says how sad it is to not have Beckett apart of our family here. He thinks about him and is just sad he says.

I asked Holden what he would think about us having another baby. He said "good". I asked him if he would be scared...he said "why would I be?" Gosh, is it really that simple? Since the day we had Beck, I thought about whether I wanted to have another baby. Some would say that I trying to replace Beckett. I have thought long and hard about that. There could not be another child that can make that pain go away. There could never, ever be a replacement for him. The love I have for him...can never be replaced. The place where I hold my baby now can never be substituted. There is a guilt there, though. I know that after Beckett, we would have taken measures to ensure he would have been our last. So I wonder how that child would feel knowing they would not be here if Beckett would have made it. Would that child feel ill effects from that? Would that be something we'd even share with him/her? There are so many other things to think of before we decide to try again...not to mention the unthinkable...that this could happen again! That is by far my biggest fear and Cory's too. I don't know that we could get through something like this again. It would be 38 weeks of misery. I'd be a total wreck! I don't think I can handle that emotionally yet...I think that is pretty obvious. It is hard to make all the right choices when your emotion go back and forth every day. One day I can be fine with something and the next I am crying and questioning! What a roller coaster!!

I have been reading a couple of books I got from a friend on Saturday. I am almost done with one already. It is a collection of stories of people who have died and their families and their encounters with life after death. It has been comforting. There are no stories about infants or young children, but it is still comforting. I think that is one of my hang ups with wondering what Beck is doing in heaven. I think that him being an infant, or any child for that matter, you wonder how they can take that journey to heaven alone. I can't write on this anymore...too emotional for me yet. I'll get there. I am confident about that.

Just another note, I get a little anxious that people will judge me on what I write. I would guess that some would think my faith is not strong. That is not the case at all. I believe more than ever in God and heaven. My sense of awareness is heightened. What I wonder the most about is what goes on in heaven. I just want to be a part of my child's life, that is all. I just want to know what he is doing, who he is with, and when we meet him again will he know us. Those are the answers I am searching for. I will probably never know them. In time I will have to come up with my own version that is comforting.

I better play with the kids...lots of playing today, including a 15 minute trek to the backyard on a rescue mission to shovel the trampoline which is filled with about 20 inches of snow. Not sure if the tramp will ever be the same:)

The holiday business is all over! I told my mom I did not want to go home because I new I'd have a meltdown. It is sometimes hard to be with so many people because you really do not have any alone time...maybe that is good.

We visited Cory's aunts house in Fergus Falls on Christmas Eve...then we drove on to Watkins to my parents house. We had good traveling weather, which I am thankful for. I hate bad weather! On the drive the kids were watching a movie with headphones on, so it was quiet. That is a nice change. It was pitch black outside and the stars were shining bright. It was a pretty drive. When you sit in a quiet car and it is dark outside...a person has time to think. And think, I did. Cory and I both were thinking about Beckett to ourselves. I looked at him and said, "Are you thinking about him?" He said yes..."Where do you think he would sitting in this car?" I said in Grace's spot and Holden wanted to sit in the back seat kitty corner to the baby so he could keep an eye on him/her. I think that started the tears for both of us. We quietly cried alone, but together. It was a tender moment. We did not have to share words to know what each other were thinking. We wished our baby boy to be with us. We wished to show him off to family. We wished to have all our children with us on Christmas. Really, that is everyday...but on Christmas when you gather with all your family and friends, you really feel that missing part. We took a picture of all the grand kids in front of the Christmas tree, but there was no Beckett. That really hurts. It really pisses you off.

On Friday a couple of my aunts and my g'ma and g'pa came out for a visit and breakfast. It was great to see them...it is really hard to see people for the first time, even if it does not show. You just don't know where your emotions will take you and it is scary. I am just so vulnerable right now.

On Saturday, my sisters and mom and I went to Litchfield for coffee. It was the first time I have had french pressed coffee and I loved it. I had 3 cups! I paid for that later...I got the shakes and my whole body was buzzing! I will remember that next time! We had a good time together though. Later on I got a visit from a friend of my moms...she gave me some really nice things! It is hard to be a gracious receiver sometimes, but I am learning. THANK YOU! Really, she did too much but I am telling myself...no one is doing it because they feel they have to, but they want to. She also wrote me a great letter, that made me cry~I am happy to have it. Thanks for the visit.

There were only a few other moments of tears. Having so many people around, there was not much time and I got caught up in the moment. There were definitely times I wanted to throw something and just have a break down...but who wants to ruin all the fun?!:) Sherri asked for a moment of silence to remember Beckett...mom made some special ornaments this year in remembrance of Beck. That is what started the moment. I could not look at anyone, I could just look at the floor. We are all hurting and all missing him.

To end the weekend though we met up with some friends that I grew up with. Cory was very sweet and drove the group. It was great to see everyone and laugh. I truly had some good laughs...I have not really laughed like that in a long time. THANK YOU to all of you, too. I needed that.

Well, I am in the midst of making a donation pile in the basement! Too many things! The kids have their cousins over today, so I am able to slip things into boxes without them knowing! They have issues with letting go of things! I need to keep my roll going...

It is 11 degrees and it feels like spring! We had a few last minute items to buy. On our way home, the kids were talking about all the people that we get to see. They were so excited. They were discussing the babies that would be there like Charlie and Julia (not exactly babies, but oh well). I said how much I wished our baby would be with us this Christmas. It is the most frustrating thing...wanting someone so bad, but you know you will have to wait a lifetime. Gracie said "He will be with us mommy, he will follow us to Grandma and Grandpa's-just like the sun!" and again she reminded me that he lives in our hearts. So smart for 3 (but she can't poop in the potty!). I am trying really hard to not think of Beckett as gone, but just living in another place. Especially now, I feel the anger and unfairness of all of this.

Dear little Beckett,

How are you sweetie? Mommy misses you so much. I wait for moments that I may feel you next to me. I am pretty sure I have felt you 3 times in the last month. I wonder if you watch with amazement at all this Christmas stuff. Watch your brother and sisters excitement over everything. You know, there is only one gift that could fill my heart this Christmas and that is you in our arms. I know we would all give up everything for that! We did receive a great gift though, it just came a little early. It was the day we officially met you and named you. I was so sad but so proud and honored to be your mom...it just hurt so bad to have to say goodbye to your face. Oh baby boy, how heavy my heart is...but it is so heavy because I love you so much. Being so sad all the time is just a testament to how much you mean to me (to us). I hope you enjoy the birthday party with Jesus. I will be thinking of you! I love you little buddy.

Love, Mommy

We wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope you enjoy all your families and friends. I will not write until we return on Sunday. We are headed to Watkins so not so much access to Internet without taking an hour to load a page!

Lots of action today at the Klinnert house. Holden and Grace's cousins came over to spend the day with us. Interesting morning...we had Christmas with g'ma and g'pa S. last night so there were lots of new toys to play with. In the first hour alone we opened and tried...Barbie head styling thing, bionicle, remote care, swimming puppy, a couple of meltdowns over Pixos, Lego ship, blendy pens, Easy Bake oven, footballs, and bionicle big thing...a little spoiled by grandparents they are. So I spent a lot of time wrestling with the packages, muttering naughty words in my head and breaking a few hearts because we didn't have the right batteries or light bulbs. It is all in good fun, though a bit disorderly! We have officially entered the "tattletale" stage!

I have been thinking a lot about Beckett a lot the last few days. I just miss him so much. I am thinking of his cute little face...I am thinking about what he might look like...I think about how much I wish he was here for Christmas. I picture him a lot in my arms making those little baby sounds. If I allow myself to really think about all that has happened in the last couple of months, I can really stir myself up. I have been allowing myself to really focus on him a couple of times a day...It does not mean the pain has gone away, but it means it is getting easier to get through the days. A part of me hates it, I hate what time does. You don't forget, but it does not occupy your mind 24 hours a day. I hate that because I feel guilty. I feel like I am not being fair to him. It is a struggle to keep a balance and feel good about it.

I told Cory that I keep thinking I should get a tattoo. I have never, ever wanted a tattoo. All of a sudden it feels like it is something I should do. When I told Cory this, he said he has similar feelings. I am not sure I could actually follow through with it, though. I just find myself continuously looking for new ways to memorialize Beckett. Maybe it is because there was so very little time with him, I am trying to do everything possible to make sure his memory does not leave. I want to keep it as vibrant as possible. Do you think Cory would splurge on a trip to L.A. to get a tattoo at L.A. Ink?

It takes a 3 year old...

This morning I had one kid in each arm as we laid in bed cuddling before getting Holden off to school. We talked about where the baby would fit in the bed...they each had their own opinion! As I was laying there I thought out loud..."and Beckett should be laying on mommy's tummy". Gracie said "He is here mom, we just can not see him, it is like magical...he lives in our hearts." Wow, she is only three...but said it like it is and make me feel it.

She also wanted to read the book We Were Going to have a Baby but We Had an Angel Instead, like 3 times! I asked her if the book made her sad. She said, "No, Beckett lives in our heart." I wish I had that mentality. Everything so simple. We giggled about how Beckett used to kick them when they spoke to him. I didn't even cry when we talked about it!

The funny thing about "Beckett will always live in your heart" is that a very dear friend, who has stepped into my life and really picked me up at times...gave me a beautiful bookmark with that inscription last night. Let's just say it was the first and only little blue box I will probably ever open! She said, "Don't get too excited" I did not figure it was a necklace or earrings, but it was more meaningful than that. The thoughtfulness and beauty of it was better than that.

One cute little story about Holden before I go...he got little notes from all his classmates today and a few plus girls said "you are handsome". He was blushing and so giggly about it! So cute!

Well, I have a Bunco Christmas party tonight, boys too. It can get a little late and a little crazy sometimes too. I am going to really try and have a few cocktails and enjoys myself!

Sherri is out of surgery...sitting in recovery. I guess it all went well. The challenge is in front of her though. We will take good care of her at Christmas, she may have to drink wine out of a straw..but it will make for good pictures. We discussed bedazzling her neck brace...make it 'fancy'. I wish there was so much more that I could do to help, she really took care of us well when Beckett died~still does.

Well we have made a bittersweet decision to just spend Christmas day with my mom and dad-at their house. Every year Santa comes to my parents house, I am so glad that we can do that. It is a very special morning for all of us. I think mom and dad enjoy watching the kids open all their presents. Holden used to get so excited about underwear. I think nowadays he'd be a little embarrassed! He has become 'modest'. It all started when Ella freaked out because she saw his butt. Ever since then, he has been sensitive about the issue!

Back to my original thought...also every year we go to my grandma and grandpa's for lunch and chit chat. However, I just don't have it in me to make an appearance. I have not seen anyone since a week before Beckett died. I have not hugged anyone or cried with anyone yet. The holidays have been so hard on me, on us already. I just can't walk in to their house...with a smile on my face and greet everyone at once. It is just too overwhelming. It is so hard to face people you have not seen, people that you care about. I get physically sick. I just want to be present for my kids that day. I want to try and share in their joy. I know that if I go to their house I will be a mess. What I am doing, is taking care of me. I need to do what I know is best for my family and I at this time in our lives. I know it is really not that big of a deal...but I have been going there for 32 years! I know everyone will understand. If there are people who want to visit with us, you are welcome to stop out at mom and dad's. We might even venture to town after Christmas. We are staying until Sunday.

Well, i am being summoned to come and watch Muppet Christmas with Grace...I better take this opportunity to snuggle when she is asking. It does not happen too often!

Just a few tears shed today...whew! I was wondering if my 6 days of severe sadness would end soon. Glad to know it does here and there.

Grace had her first Christmas program today. She experienced a little stage fright in the beginning, but after her "special" part in the program she started to sing and do some motions. She looked very cute and was very proud of herself. We video taped it for Grandma and Grandpa Oster. The program was filled with nose picking and fidgety preschoolers. It is so funny to watch.

Our family journey through this has been so interesting. I have to say we have come a long way! We are still on the roller coaster with ups and downs. We hits some bad emotional bumps some days, sometimes everyday. So far, through all of the devastation and pain, we are so much closer than we ever were. I am convinced we would not be where we are today without all the great people in our lives. I'd have run away, but I have something to prove. Prove that Beckett wasn't just a stillborn child, but a person who fulfilled a purpose in his short life. I need to prove to my kids that when life gets tough, you have to get tougher. When you get thrown the worst curve ball you could ever imagine, you survive. You'll come out of it learning new things and you need to take that and put it to good use. I have not figured out yet what I need to do with this new information...but I will figure it out someday.

Good luck tomorrow Sherri, you know I will be praying and thinking of you. I pray that this works and I pray for your healing.

Well the days our kids were so excited for finally arrived...my birthday. I love how they get so excited for it. They can't wait for me to open my presents they picked out special. Grace said she wanted to give me a hint about the present she got for me. She said, "It is princessey and it is a head band!" Well, she gave more than a 'hint' away. I is so proud of my Cinderella plastic head band. She thought it would be nice if we could share it. I'd love to share it with her.

Holden picked me out some hockey socks. They are socks to keep my feet warm when I go to watch him...he is always a very thoughtful gift giver. They veered off the norm this year. Usually I can count on a calendar, pens, and peanut m&m's.

Despite all the super gifts the kids gave me, there is only one gift I really want. I want Beckett all wrapped up cozy in my arms, giving me little smiles. I am going to work real hard to day to be thankful for what I do have. A loving, kind husband...2 beautiful, entertaining kids...a child with a pure soul watching over us...a family who loves us...friends who do too.

I think I might go crazy, though. Being cooped up in the house is okay for one day for me, but 2 might be too much. It is so cold here!

Please keep my sister Sherri in your prayers this week. She is prepping for major surgery on Wednesday to repair her bulging disks in her neck. She is scared and in a lot of pain. I will be praying that the surgery works and heals her. She has lived with this CRAZY pain for too long. I feel awful that I can not be there to help help her and the family out. I'll just have to help take care of them at Christmas time!

Well, the party is over and now I can be bored on a Saturday and Sunday for that matter. The house is all clean, my Christmas shopping is done...The party went good. We had a little question games that we played to keep the conversation flowing. I was screening the questions first. I was very surprised about how many questions can come back to my experience and our little angel. It is so ALL consuming. It changes you so profoundly. It changes your whole outlook on life and perspectives. How I would answer questions now is not how I'd answer them before. However, sharing those "new perspectives" is not socially appropriate in certain situations so you feel a little removed from everyone~or at least people who have never experienced it. It is like a secret society, without all the fun things that can go on with that.

The kids decorated a little Christmas tree for Beckett, we are going to bring it to his grave. I really do not like going there when it is cold and snowy. To be perfectly honest, it is really hard for me to think of him there. I sometimes wonder if we should have had him cremated to be with us, in a warm house. I know that is silly, it is just the shell that lies there, but he is my baby...I feel like he belongs with us. I just don't feel like I can ever get close enough to him. It sucks so frickin bad. You always want your children close. People always say he is in your heart, he'll always be with you...but they can never understand how desperately you yearn to feel them physically. Spiritually, just does not feel good enough right now.

Yesterday morning, my struggle with emotions faded a bit. Thankfully though, I could not keep that up. As I was checking my e-mails, I felt a sensation on my right cheek~actually I am feeling it right now. Beckett's picture sits to the right of me. It was my right cheek that I nuzzled him with. It feel like someone put some minty lotion on my face and I am feeling a very faint breeze. I think it is Beckett. I truly do. I think he is wiping my tears. It is a sensation and a internal feeling that I can not do justice to explain. It feels like a really sad peace. I don't want it to go away but it does. Boy it would break my heart if I realized we have a draft in our computer room...or I have some disease that makes your face tingle:)

The last 24 hours have been difficult. Off and on of course, but last night was one of my worst nights in a while. I was looking out of our bedroom window, just sobbing, crying to Beckett. I was looking for something to shoot across the sky or an animal to come running through the yard to look at me and branch to mysteriously start moving. I was looking for something to calm the storm. I did not see it. I wanted to call someone, but I really could not talk. Eventually though, I ran out of steam. My eyes were killing me. I was alone almost all day with Grace...which probably did not help the situation. Not being able to talk to an adult all day sometimes drives you nuts. I am not nuts...well not all the time. Cuddling up with Grace and having her fall asleep in my arms while I sang (totally off tune) a lullaby~calmed me down. She is so sweet when she is falling asleep, she rubs my arms or my face. (I'd cuddle Holden too but he was not home until well after his bedtime last night-boys and their basketball~I just want to be fair.)

I spoke to a dear friend of mine today who I have not spoken with since before Beckett was born. Hi, friend! I know you read this. I had felt really bad for not talking to her yet. Part of it was avoidance and part was I missed her calls (imagine that!). She had a little boy in August (gee, I hope that is rights-or late July). He is adorable! We were pregnant at the same time and I thought our little ones would play together. I was so excited, and still am, that she has a healthy little boy. She had her own experiences with loss. When this all happened with me I was struggling with talking with her. I didn't want her to not be able to share her joy, but I know her too well-she'd be modest-for sensitivity sake. So today I felt we really needed to talk and we did. I am glad I finally had spoken with her besides e-mail. I felt better after I did, it was something I knew I needed to do, but had to really work of the courage to do so. I am glad we talked, even if I was awkward.

On a brighter note, thank you for all the Christmas cards. I know we get them every year but they put a smile on my face. And...I got almost all of my Christmas shopping done...And, HALLELUJAH!!!I found a pair of jeans that fit! We were all talking about my birthday at supper Tuesday night and I asked Grace what she thought I wanted for my birthday...she said pants:) I think they do not pay attention, but they do. Grace also wants to get me a Tinker Bell cake. I should probably stick to rice cakes! I need to stay on my roll. I might put on a roll though, I made these yummy little treats for Friday night. Holden cried because it wasn't fair they only got one because they were so good. Somewhere along the line Mandie introduced them to me. We will call them "Dirty Snowballs".

1 package of Oreo cookies (regular)
1 package of cream cheese
White almond bark

In food processor, grind the cookies until they are crumbs. Then add the cream cheese. Make sure it is mixed well. Then I rolled the mixture into about 1 inch balls and placed on a cookie sheet covered with wax paper. I then put a toothpick in each one and put into the freezer for about 30 minutes. I melted the almond bark and then I took the balls directly from the freezer and dipped them in the white almond bark. Place onto another cookie sheet covered in wax paper. After they are hardened, enjoy or chill in the refrigerator until ready to serve. Yummy! If you do not freeze the mixture first you will really have dirty snowballs. This I learned!

So that was a long entry. I am out!

Today I am getting the house ready to host Cory's company Christmas party. Why am I? I really don't know. I guess it is the chance to focus on something, have a purpose. While cleaning, I realized that Beckett's blanket was laying on the floor next to my bed. I had not even realized I had not slept with it for 2 nights. I thought maybe it was time to put it in his little box. I did that with tears. My heart so sad today.

Grace dressed up like Mary and brought me her little baby Jesus. She said hold the baby mommy, hold the baby. Why would holding a stuffed baby cause a stir?

I received in the mail a baby diaper, coupons for formula, and a letter from the funeral home with a picture of a glass, engraved angel, tree ornament made for Beckett~with his birth and death date. What a nice thing for them to do. All of that together though really sucks. I just can't even explain the pain it brings, this is one of those times I can't control my thoughts. I just spoke to my mom yesterday about how I felt I could control my thoughts, in turn less crying at the thought of Beckett.

As I was checking my e-mails, and thanks for the suggestions, I wrote to my aunt that I want a glimpse into his life. Somehow writing that down today is painful. It really sucks not to know what he is doing, who he is with, who is holding him, if he is watching us, if he loves us...I know I have written this all before, but I still do not know. I know nothing for certain and that is so very, very painful. I keep trying to remember him coming to me that night and telling me he is okay, he was happy. Deep down I know that. The pain comes in trying to accept it. I have to accept being separated from him. Sometimes I think that if God sees me hurting so much he will send him back to me. I know that won't happen, it can't happen. His will is done. i just need to start praying for acceptance.

I was shopping at Barnes and Noble today...looking for a book about heaven or experiences of heaven. It is a little hard to do when you are just looking at titles. If anyone knows of a good book that may fit along these lines...if you could share that with me that would be great. It can't be bland though...it needs to be an easy read. I have not been able to do much reading other than magazines.

Grace and I decided to wrap up all the Christmas presents this afternoon. She started with lots of enthusiasm and then lost interest. She started tryign to use the wrapping paper as a sword, tryign to get the scissors to destroy more things, and then got a hold of the Sharpie. I think she heard too many "No, Grace." She left the room and I thought she was going to play on the computer. That was a silly thing to assume. She was as quiet as I mouse...I peeked around the corner and she had taken, not 1, but 2 rolls of painters tape and taped the kitchen chair!!! She did a beautiful job. She even decorated it with writing. Thankfully, all her drawings stayed on the tape. I congratulated her on her beautiful job "wrapping" the chair. She was so proud, I could not be mad.

I am starting to feel like I am playing favorites as Grace makes the pages of the blog more than Holden, but I am with her all day.

I heard a news story today about a baby that got "dropped off" at a hospital. I just don't understand when I hear of those things. We were ready, willing and able to care for our little guy and are heartbroken that we do not get that chance. Then there are poor little babies out there without a home. It breaks my heart. Sometimes I don't understand. Sure there are many circumstances that may lead a person to leave their baby, but in the end...that baby does not have a home. It is hard to listen to those stories and not feel angry or hurt. Why us?

Busy day...like most people this time of year. The forced busyness (is that a word) is a good distraction for me. I got some stitches out today. Grace had to come with me. When the nurse told me to put on a gown Grace stood in the corner and said she'd wait so she wouldn't see me naked. What a gal, giving me a little privacy! She giggled and tried to help me tie the gown so you "couldn't see my bum bum." Appointments are so much more fun with little ones. No wonder why my leg hurt, I had a pretty good sized incision there. I couldn't see it because it was covered with tape. I feel really good about having this part over. The veins were just a reminder of the pregnancy and part of my fear if we decide on a 4th child. Hopefully, that should be behind me. It sounds really stupid, but it seems like a hill climbed.

We visited with the counselor today, together as a family. Not really productive with the children. Holden really wanted to go. He was a little shy and would only answer questions and no more. Grace was just coloring in a book and then was violently smashing 2 of the ladies stuffed animals together. Maybe she needs her "own" counseling session!

Last night I did not sleep very well. Grace puked in the middle of the night so she came to bed with us. It wasn't until about 3am that I felt safe nodding off. The death of Beckett has really heightened my already anxious mind about the safety of our kids. I was watching her sleep peacefully, in between coughing fits, she looked just like Beckett. I clearly saw his little face in hers. What a joy! I have seen it before but it seemed to be magnified 100 times. What a gift...to see him in them.

We donated a few of Beckett's new items today to the Salvation army. Hopefully, another little boy will get to use his things. It was hard to pick out what to give, it felt like I was letting some things go...accepting the reality of it...I know I would not have been able to do that a few weeks ago. So, I guess there is progress being made. I think I am moving into more of an acceptance and although I want to fight it some days and some days I change my mind (no it is not okay!), I can feel it coming. It doesn't take the hurt away, it does not come with answers, it just is.

We got a card in the mail from my aunt last night, with money to purchase a tree in honor of Beckett. It was a gift from some aunts and uncles as well as cousins...THANK YOU! You really don't know what it means to us. I wish I could put it into words. For all of you to reach out and help us start our garden for Beckett is so wonderful. It will be a reminder to us of all our support. I have a vision in my head of what I want it to be. I will surely take photographs and share them when it is complete.

Cory and I went out and did a little Christmas shopping together this year...that rarely happens! I think he was a little shocked at how many stops I requested to make. What we got done in 2 hours would have been easily 4-6 hours with kids present.

We both feel that Christmas just isn't as bright this year. The songs don't sound as good. The lights don't shine as bright. Nothing is as exciting as it used to be. There are a lot of painful reminders that we are missing someone very special this year.

We talked about how showing up at Grandma and Grandpa Schneider's will be especially hard. I know my family reads this, so please take no offense. It is not personal. I have not seen anyone since a week before I had Beckett. Walking in the house and facing everyone (like 60 people:)might just be too overwhelming a task for us. We will have to see what that day brings and how to handle it. I don't want my kids to see me crying on Christmas and taking the fun and excitement of the day. I know I am thinking way ahead, but it seems to be coming so fast. Life is moving so fast these days. I can't believe it was 2 months ago today. This is about the exact time we were trying to understand the devastating news.

I am not going to go there, though. It is utterly too painful to think about...to go there again. I know there is healing with time. The pain is still ever present and I can cry at any moment, but I can also somewhat control my thoughts...whereas before, it did not even seem like a choice.

We are approaching 2 months since we met our baby boy. I can't believe it has been that long ago. I can't believe it has been that long since I held him and snuggled his little face. What I wouldn't give to be able to hold him once more. His blanket just does not cut it. I pick up the little outfit he was dressed in and I guess I hope I can feel him...but I can't. That is what I hate about time...it takes those precious moments. Those moments I will dream of forever but not be able to quite capture.

I was at the hockey rink last night. There was a mother with her little guy who was about 6 months old. I was thinking to myself...wow...this is getting easier. I can see a little boy and not start to cry and my chest tightening. Then the little babe started saying "mama, mama". That really hurt, hit me right to my core...I will never hear that from Beckett. I'll never get to see his little grin. Oh, how that makes my heart ache.

I had a great visit with another mother today with a very similar situation...both little boys (cute as could be, I might add). Thank God, for allowing me the opportunity to meet her. I hate that she is in the same position, but she is. I just know she understands me. It is comforting to know, there is someone who knows. Someone who is going through similar feelings right now. I feel validated and not so crazy...I feel real. A mom who cherishes her children and loves them to the depths of her soul~no matter where they are.

Well, I should really cuddle up with my little girl and watch the Grinch as she wants to do nearly every night! Good night...thank you for the continued prayers.

I'll start out with a little story my mom could appreciate. Everyone always says how much Grace's personality is like mine. Well, she pulled a younger "me" this morning. She was "getting ready" for us to run an errand today. I went downstairs to get the car warmed up and pick up the kitchen a little bit. Grace came down as proud as could be with 6 bandaids down one leg. They were perfectly aligned and went from knee to ankle. I was not aware of any accident that required a bandaid. She looked so funny. I asked her how many bandaids she had used. She said, "I don't know mom, should we count them?" I remember when I was little and I had a drop of blood on my leg the size of a pinhead. I had put bandaids neatly on my leg from my knee to my ankle. Mom was so upset and banned me from any use of a bandaids. Funny...the things you remember from childhood.

I find myself, these last few days, not as angry. I am just still really sad. I look at his pictures and all the sadness just resurfaces again and again. I don't want to take them down. What I want is to be able to look at them and smile without tears running down my face. I guess it is just still to early to expect that.

My dearest Beckett,
Hey little buddy. Mommy is thinking about you a lot today. I think about if you are comfortable in your new home. I think about who is holding you and guiding you in heaven. I look for signs that you are okay everywhere...I just don't know what our sign would be. Grandpa Dave made us a little ladybug on a stick that we can put by your grave site so that we can know where you are in the winter, since we can't bring ourselves to pick out something permanent. It is really cute. We asked for that because when we came to the grave site to say goodbye to you that day...mommy thought I was literally going to die too from a broken heart...Grace brought me to laugh when she yelled out "A legobug a legobug, Holden look" she chased that little ladybug that day as we stood by your little coffin not knowing how we were going to go on. That moment made us laugh when we didn't possibly think we could continue on without you. There are a lot of moments like that...that your big brother and sister step in and make us laugh and challenge us to do things we are not sure we can do. Anyway...that is why there will be a ladybug there. I really hope above all things that you can feel my love for you, that you know of us in heaven, and that you can feel all the thoughts I send your way. I'll never forget you my little angel baby. Someday I will get to hold you again. Love, Mommy

Well my surgery is over! I only had to tell people our baby died 2 times! Can't they just flag your name somehow? The anesthesiologist was like, "So you have a month and a half old baby at home?" No, actually he died. Anyway, she suggested I take something to calm my nerves as she felt I was probably a little anxious being at the hospital. That was nice. They wheeled me into the OR and I saw the big stirrup, obviously meant for me, and I started to get panicky. However, the lovely lady administered something that put me to sleep (or at least I think it did) before they actually knocked me out. I liked it much better that way. So, the surgery went well and quicker than they thought. I am pretty sore and I was shocked at how much gauze one could pack in...but all is well and I am resting. I really like the Hydrocodone...it makes me feel so light in the head. A nice break from all the heaviness that usually is there.

I am really emotionally drained from the holiday and the surgery that I don't feel like I can put any thoughts into words today. I wanted to let people know that the surgery went well and I should have a good recovery if everything keeps going as it is. So if there is a next time for us to have a baby...I should be good to go in the vein category. No need to cart me around on the golf course girls! I'll be walking:)

First major holiday done...whew

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. We did. We enjoyed our time with family. This was the first time we were all together again since Beckett's service.

The days leading up to Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving day were very difficult for me to barrel through. I was very irritated and easily frustrated. These are usually not characteristics of myself, so it is hard to see myself acting that way. Thanksgiving morning I woke and was not excited or looking forward to anything...not even stuffing (my favorite). I struggled all the way to Fergus Falls...crying, biting myself to stop from totally loosing it in front of the kids. I just could not settle myself down. I tried, I really did, but something else was taking control...my heart was just breaking all over again.

We arrived to Cory's family's house and I stayed outside collecting our things to bring in, in an attempt to control my emotions so I could enter with a smile. I couldn't do it. I came in and was immediately greeted by his aunt with a big Happy Thanksgiving and I wanted to be able to say it back but I lost it. I needed to be alone. What I really wanted to do was run away, not tell anyone I was leaving. I didn't know where I would go but I wanted to vanish. I hid myself away in the bathroom and I cried. I wanted Beckett with us, he should have been with us. This little bundle of joy all wrapped up and waiting to be held by everyone. It should be a happy Thanksgiving but someone was missing and it was very evident to me.

After some time I was able to compose myself and carry on. I was able to push my emotions away for some time. I didn't expect having such strong emotions to deal with. I thought I'd be able to tuck it away, but I could not. I feel really alone at this time with my grief. I don't feel that many can understand the pain or want to deal with it(they are just tired and ready to move on). That is brutally honest of me and hard for me to say especially knowing my audience but it is the truth. I don't blame anyone or expect them to be able to know what I am feeling or how to react to me. That is unreasonable. And that is what makes this journey so hard, especially at this time. It is a personal journey and a hard one at that. I am thankful for meeting another mom experiencing this painful journey, even though I wish no one else would ever have to endure this pain. I know she understands and we don't have to share words...it is just knowing someone else feels like I do. In that, I am not alone.

The weekend ended good, though. We enjoyed ourselves and our kids. We are lucky to have such great people to be with. Not everyone is that fortunate. We did a little black Friday Christmas shopping...getting up at 4am! We got a lot accomplished and it was fun. We missed Mandie with us this year but we were getting each other things at different stores and using our cell's to communicate. She had to go into work so we went separate ways. It was hard to leave my family on Saturday. I hate being so far away. There is such a comfort in being with them.

Wish me luck tomorrow! I go in the hospital at 5am to get prepped for surgery. I should be home by noon if all goes well. I am scared to death, so much so that I am sick to my stomach every time I think about it, but I am sure it will be fine...I just don't really know what to expect. As soon as I am knocked out, I'll be fine. Goodbye veins! I need to remember how great the outcome will be:)

Obviously tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it is a bittersweet holiday for me. I definitely want to see everyone, do our early morning shopping and just lounge around, but this is the first major holiday without Beckett. When we first talked about when to try for a 3rd child we thought it might be nice to shoot for a fall baby so we would have a little one for the holidays. I loved having baby Julia there last Thanksgiving. She was 4 days old, I think, and she was so cute, sweet and tiny. That sold me. I wanted to get pregnant and hopefully have a little one to share on Thanksgiving. Those hopes came true and we were so excited. I remember it being a Friday morning...I remember waking Cory up in the early morning to tell him. Gosh, I never in a million years would have guessed the outcome. That we would be arriving with empty arms this Thanksgiving. That hurts so bad. The pain is so intense. I feel it through my whole body. It just sucks so bad. The holidays will be a struggle...although I know I can put on a straight face, my heart will be crying.

Holden said the sweetest thing the other day. He said, "Mom, I can't wait for Christmas Day!" I was thinking, I am sure you can't. Then he said, "It is not because of the presents, it is because Beckett will get to go to his first birthday party. Jesus will have a party because it is his birthday on Christmas." I guess we have done something right. I was so proud of him. He was genuinely thrilled for his little brother.

There are many things to be thankful for. I am thankful that my little boy was an innocent soul and he is in heaven. I am thankful for Holden and Grace, for without them I am not sure where I would be right now. I am thankful for great friends who continue to support me-even though I am sure they are getting tired. I am thankful for our family who always check in and continue to pray for us and Beckett. I am thankful for all of those other people who have reached out even when they do not know us that well. There is a lot to be thankful for. I know that.

Please keep my brother Jason and Chris in your prayers as they are experiencing a great deal of grief in the last few weeks. I am thinking about you guys!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

We are back!

Well we are back...I can't believe this cold weather! We had absolutely gorgeous weather. The sunshine and warmth was such a beautiful thing. We had no plans, no expectation, therefore...NO STRESS! Except I got yelled at for going 3 feet off the path on the mountain! I hate when I get caught not following rules. We had a wonderful time together. We hiked a mountain, had the BEST! BEST! crab cakes ever, went to the local casino, sat by the pool and read, visited a couple of malls (Cory is a blast to shop with!) I did miss my sister and girlfriends for that portion of the trip, for sure! We really enjoyed the "break" from everyday life. I wasn't angry during my time there. I am not sure why that was different, but it was a welcomed break.

I definitely missed blogging and stopped myself from doing it. I wanted to try and give my mind and body a break. I wanted to be a wife, fully present for my husband for a few days. At times it was difficult and others it was easy. I felt guilty for sneaking in a couple of nights of crying myself to sleep. I wasn't angry with those cries. I was just simply sad...and I missed my kids. Being in another place was both wonderful and scary. I always wondered how it would feel to be away from Beckett's resting place. I realized that I could still feel him even being thousands of miles away. I was also scared at times, you realize how big the world is and it made me feel so far away from him as well. I asked myself where is heaven? This world is so gigantic...where is he? I have always been better with the concrete than the abstract...so although I know my faith..I still wonder.

I had a truly joyous moment...that was the moment I saw our car pull up and the kids big, cheeky smiles looking at us. They were so excited to see us and we could not wait to see them! It was a great reunion. In the back of my head, I kept thinking, I am missing one. I was able to push that out and enjoy talking to them and catching up with all the fun things they did while we were gone. They certainly did not miss us too much! They got to bake bread with grandma, go to 2 movies, eat lunch at Ella's school, and so much more! THANKS Sherri and Bill! (Mom and Mandie, too).

On the car ride home I was hit with an unexpected wave of grief. I just could not stop crying. I wanted to scream, throw something. I miss him so terribly and it still feels so unfair that our little buddy is not with us. I would reach back and rub Grace's little bare toes and feel so hurt that I will never get to rub little Beckett's feet. I'd look back at their sweet little faces and realized that I will never know any other face than Beckett's little baby face. I feel like I am releasing some pent up grief from trying to let it go for a few days. I have not stopped crying, or being on the verge of crying, for about 3 1/2 hours. Although grieving is so exhausting...it is also cleansing. Our hearts are still broken but we do have hope that someday we will be able to put it back together and place Beckett there with peacefulness.

I miss you my little buddy. These tears are all for you!

All packed and ready to go...

I finished packing and am ready to hit the road and start our mini vacation. Having a much better day today. The excitement of heading out and seeing my sister and brother in-law is helping me get through the day. They have some power over me because today Grace and I went to the mall for a little girl time and I was picking out a new nail polish color. I had a clumsy moment and dropped a polish onto the ground which shattered and left a huge mess all over my hands. I didn't even get upset! Big step!! When I got home and hopped in the shower I noticed a dark purple all over my leg, I didn't put it together that it was the nail polish! I took a look at my one pair of jeans I wear all the time and sure enough, dark purple nail polish. So those need to go in the trash so I am down to one pair of pants and I didn't even freak out.

I am a little anxious to leave the house for such a long time, but I know it will be good. It is hard to leave all of Beckett's things behind like his pictures and blanket. I feel like I am leaving him behind. I am sure those feelings will pass when we arrive to our destination.

We are looking forward to the sun, relaxing, and doing whatever we want-whenever we want. Goodbye for now!

Ok, I just needed to follow up because I sounded like a total brat in that last blog:) I took the kids to the mall so I could find a few shirts that were normal and a little forgiving in the tummy area...success.

First, though, we laughed so hard...I tried on one of those corset type flatten your tummy things. It was just a tube. Not sure how to put that on but I tired over my head. NOT A GOOD IDEA! I got stuck! Literally, my arms were above my head, the thing was covering my face and had immobilized my arms. I couldn't see or move my arms. Thank goodness Holden knew what to do! He started pulling as hard as he could, but we were both laughing so hard. Grace just kept saying "Uh oh, mommy are you stuck?" Holden kept pulling and we were laughing so hard. Finally I was freed from the lingerie. Then Holden said, "I guess that one was too small." Either that or that is the type of item you step into and the wiggle it up to the torso! Learning moment...

I can now pack knowing I have 2 shirts to wear for the entire 5 days if needed. At least I'll have one to get me to the mall in Scottsdale where I may find more:)

Packing...not as easy as I thought

I am looking forward to our trip to Arizona. We thought we might want to start thinking about packing. Easier said than done. For all the moms out there, with the exception of a few lucky ones, remember how much your body changes after being pregnant? I am completely disgusted with the way I look. I find that it is very difficult to shed the pounds. Nursing really helped me get my body back. This time it is a little different. Not such a big deal right? I just had a baby...I should give myself some time, but when you are trying to pack for a trip to warm weather it isn't such a simple thing to forgive. I had to dig through all of my maternity clothes to try and find some bottoms and tops that will work. I am not even close to getting back into my old clothes! Wearing maternity items, isn't exactly good for the self-esteem, especially when you are teetering on the depressive side.

The problem with maternity bottoms isn't that they are not comfortable, but you need long tops to go with them. I don't have anything that does not make me look pregnant and the last thing I want is for people to ask me that when we are getting away to try and enjoy our time and not focus on the things we have lost. Not only that but wearing those maternity clothes brings me much sadness. When I last wore them I was happy, carefree, and excited about the little bundle in my belly. Now they signify the pain of what we have lost. It all just keeps slapping me in the face. When I went to my clothes storage room I had to walk by all of Beckett's things. The bag of diapers, his crib mattress, his toys, car seat, his clothes that were all ready for him. To top it off, there was one basket that I knocked over and I had to pick up all items. That was painful to say the least. I am really trying to remain positive and focus on all the good things in my life. Every time I think I am making some progress I get pushed back. It is like I am running up a hill and I keep falling or it is too steep to keep climbing and I need to rest and throw a temper tantrum.

That is what I am doing right now, throwing a temper tantrum. Having a pity party for myself. I hate to be that person.

I'll start with a funny kid story tonight. Grace was upstairs watching The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, I was downstairs doing some work. The I heard Grace calling me on her Barbie cash register microphone, "Mommy, please come to the front desk. Mommy, please come to the front desk." Where does she hear this stuff? She needed me to come up to tell me that she would like to go to Target and buy the movie Frosty the Snowman.



Anyway, last night as I was writing the blog...I was crying and letting out all my frustrations in my tiny little computer nook. At that time, I heard a knock at the door. I didn't want to answer because I was a mess but Cory and the kids were playing downstairs and couldn't hear. They knocked again and I went to the door. It was a beautiful girl bringing us some bars-2 different kinds in fact, from her family. It seems that in those low moments-someone always stops by, sends an e-mail, text, or calls. It picked me up and gave me the strength to dry my tears and finish the evening with a family movie night. Thank you for thinking of us and for your impeccable timing! The bars were delicious by the way. The kids were crazy about them (me, too).

It also helps that Cory and I are getting prepared for a long weekend away in Scottsdale, AZ. We are flying out Thursday and returning on Monday. We are looking forward to the alone time and being able to just pay attention to each other. Like all parents, we are always busy taking care of our kids and there is little time left over for ourselves. Especially at this time in our life, it is really important to stay connected and give ourselves the opportunity to focus on each other. The kids are really excited to stay at Sherri's. Every time we get into the car she asks if we are going to Sherri's. Holden is really excited about getting to 'skip' school for 3 days. Sherri plans to bring them to Ella's school for lunch one day and both of my kids are so excited to eat at school..woohoo!

I just want to let people know as well that if you have not received a thank you card or if you have received double I apologize. I tried to keep it all organized and check off as I wrote some but I slipped up. I was having dejavu when I wrote some cards out today. Just know that I am appreciative of EVERYTHING! There is a huge, long list of people to thank and I will get to everyone...eventually. Thanks for understanding:)

6 weeks has past...

Good evening...I took a day of blogging off. We had kind of a busy day on Saturday. Holden had his first hockey game. He scored 3 goals. He is so excited about all of it so I guess we will be hockey parents for a while. I need to get a "hockey wardrobe". It is really cold in the rink! I need some cute winter boots and some long johns or something. It is really a social event at the rink-I am surprised we know as many people as we do.

Today we tried attending church again. This continues to be a very painful experience for me. I am on the verge of crying almost at all times. I can't say the prayers with the congregation...I can't sing the songs...I have a hard time listening to what is being said...Why do I go? It takes ALL my strength to not loose my emotions. I am relieved when the service is over. It is very ironic that the very thing that gives me strength is the same very thing that hurts me so terribly emotionally. We know that God has called his little Beckett back to him and he lives in eternal life with Jesus. We know that we will be reunited someday. Those are the things that give me strength to keep going everyday and to see the positives in life. Those are things that I know will bring me hope, even though right now hope is hard to have. Saying prayers in church and singing are just entirely too painful. I am still so hurt by what has happened. I am still upset. I am still questioning why this happened and how it could happen. I know the only person who has those answers is God and he isn't talking to me right now. Maybe I am not listening and don't want to hear it.

The suckiest part of this entire tragedy is not knowing. We know nothing. We have no answers. We have to work through it ourselves. We have to come to our own peace with it. We have to trust God. That is easier said then done when you have gone through the most devastating loss of your life. Loosing a child is said to be the most devastating loss a person could go through. I can't compare it to other losses and I won't try (that is not fair), but I can definitely see why that is so. We are living it and it sucks. You want to protect and you can't protect. You want to love and it is hard to know how to love your child when they are in heaven. You want to know more than just their face and you never got that chance. You want to remember more vividly your experience together and time take that away from you. I know one thing I will never forget and that is the depth of love I feel for Beckett and that I will never forget the emotional pain I felt in the following 24 hours after we learned Beckett's heart was no longer beating.

Right now I am in a really painful place as I am writing this. I do want people to know that there are brighter sides to my days now. There is always a feeling of emptiness but I am able to forge through and be fully present for my kids. I can get excited about making muffins with them (well at least in the beginning), watching Holden play hockey, listening to Grace tell us stories, etc. There are many things to be thankful for in our life. I am thankful that I can enjoy times with my family and friends.

6 weeks post pregnancy

Today I went in for my 6 week post pregnancy check-up. Cory has always been with me at follow-up appointments and it has been a great comfort. Today I went alone. I wore my hat again, it comes in handy for the times when you think you are going to loose your emotions. It has become a tool to avoid people's eyes. I feel a little autistic at times.

I sat down in the waiting room. Of course there were many ready to pop mommies, teenage mommies & mother's with their newborns. Thank goodness my name was called right away. While I sat in the room waiting for the doctor, I tried to hold in the tears and the anger. This situation is so frustrating, infuriating, and down right cruel sometimes. As I was waiting, I found the only non-baby magazine in the room and tried to tune it all out. There were 2 ladies having a conversation right outside my door. Obviously, they both recently had babies and as luck would have it they each had boys! They spoke about birth weights, adjusting to life with baby, and a few chuckles about "baby stuff". It seemed as if the conversation would never end! I just kept biting my lip, trying to focus on the stupid magazine and suck it up. As I calmed myself down a bit, I heard the doctor enter the room next to mine. I could here the heartbeat of the pregnant women's baby in the next room. SERIOUSLY! How cruel all of this is. It is like I am getting my face smeared in this crap every single day. I got out of there as fast as I could. The good news is I do not have to go back there for a long time.

I try so hard to accept my life now. Accept that Beckett is gone. Accept that he is in heaven. Accept that nothing is going to change the outcome. Accept that other people are going to be insensitive. Accept that life goes on as normal for everyone around you. Accept that some days are going to be excruciatingly painful. Accept that I need to dry my tears and be a mom to my kids. That is a lot of things to accept when you would rather not. You are forced to. And it sucks, some days more than others.

Wouldn't you know it though, a friend called and said she'd like to treat me to a massage and would come and play with Grace until I was done. I have a hard time accepting "gifts" from people, but that sure sounds amazing. Maybe it can be my cleansing for the day and after that I will put all my energies into my family tonight. She has pretty much been an angel here on earth throughout this whole thing.

I have had some more frequent times of peace. Not so much peace with the situation, but my mind is quiet. I can get involved in an activity with the kids and be present in that moment. I can sit with my husband and have a normal conversation and enjoy it. I can plan ahead for things and feel okay about it. These are all positive things. Things that are less and less draining, as they once were. I have not seen the light at the end of the tunnel but I definately have more hope that it is there. I just need some more time.

After I dropped Grace off at preschool, I headed out to do a few errands. It just so happens that Holden put holes in both pairs of jeans he owns at the same time. I told him I was going to buy him jeans today and he said, "Can you get me some just like daddies?" He is so cute. He adores his dad and wants to be just like him. How long does that last?:)

It is a difficult time to be in department stores. All the Christmas stuff is out...including all the "Baby's first Christmas" items. I felt like I was trying to walk away but there were more and more racks filled with baby stuff. It is like being in a scary place and you are walking as fast as you can to get to safety. That is how it kind of feels. Needless to say that set the tone for my morning. Thinking about how Beckett won't be with us for Thanksgiving or Christmas. In my mind right now, it all seems pointless to celebrate the holidays when the best thing about the holidays this year was that we were going to have our little baby. I know this season will be hard to get through. The good thing is we plan to be with family.

I stopped to visit my little angel's resting place today. My heart just aches for him. I spoke to him there...not sure he could understand through the sobs, but I gave it a try. When Beckett was in my tummy, we talked about what this child's nickname would be. Isn't it funny the things you call your kids? Holden is buddy bean, chicken wing, buddy boy, sugar booger...it goes on. Grace is chicken wing, peanut butter, sugar..sugar, Gracie girl, girly girl...it goes on. Beckett never got a name...maybe we can call him our little angel wing (a rip off of chicken wing:). I called him my little angel wing today. I can never stay there too long yet. It is just entirely to painful. As I walked away I thought I was going to vomit. The feeling passed and I made it successfully to the car. The neat thing was that as I was pulling out of the cemetery there were a few trees that had no leaves but beautiful red berries. It made me think of the little berry branch that all of a sudden is growing up my evergreen in the backyard. It has red berries on it. I have never seen it before. Maybe that is my sign he is okay. The cemetery is called Evergreen and the berries on the trees near his grave look the same as the berries growing up our little evergreen tree.

I had a little conversation with Grace the other day. We talked about the ocean and beaches. That all sounds sooo good right now! I'll settle for some desert and mountains, though. She immediately wanted to hop in the car and drive to the beach. She was so hurt when I said it was not possible. She doesn't understand the concept of planning, but you know I thought I had it figured out too and then we got a curve ball. I told her we'd have to fly in an airplane. It was too long to drive (she can hardly make it the St. Michael). She had a look of fear in her eyes. "I don't want to ride a plane mommy. It goes too high and I might see Jesus. We just drive, that's better." I can read a million things into this comment. I think she is scared. Even though we've only said good things about Jesus, she learns good things in school. Jesus took our baby. To a little kid like her I am sure she might be scared he'd take her too. If that would ever happen I am pretty sure I'd need to be committed to a loony bin. I am so sad that they need to be faced with this devastation. There was no warning, everything was as could be, there was a lot of excitement from the very beginning...Grace went with me to my doctor appointments to hear the heartbeat every month and then BAM, our safe, happy, comfy little world was changed forever. How do you help a child overcome that? Especially when they are so little and egocentric...

Well Grace is waiting for me to take her to the library. We were at Space Aliens last night for supper and she wanted to leave and go to the library. I promised her I'd take her today...even though my list of 2 do's is a mile long.

I just want to thank my friend for your e-mail this morning. I really needed it! Thank you for stopping your run (I was probably laying in bed wishing for a doughnut) to pray for us. It means a lot, it really does.

Well I started to exercise a little last night. I need to shed these final pounds so I can fit in my old pants! I very much dislike this in-between stage. Someone should design jeans for after pregnancy that are cute and trendy. Exercise is really good for the mind. I need to push myself to keep it up for better mental health. I only have a little over 2 weeks until my next surgery and I can't exercise after that one for a while. So I am laying out all my excuses why I am keeping 10 lbs on me!:)

Last night I thought about my little Beckett a lot. I feel like as the time has passed it feels like what we went through was more like a dream than a reality. It feels like so long ago since we held him and kissed him. I feel like he is so much farther away from me these days. I can't remember what he felt like in my arms. Those will be the hard things as time passes. I try holding Grace a certain way to see if I can feel it but she is a bit heavy:)

I miss my little boy. I miss him in my tummy. I wish I could have that all back for a little bit. Just to experience him again. I would really take as many moments in as I could this time. If I had know the outcome, i would have cherished the whole process more. Towards the end I was so focused on the date he was to come out, not the miracle of it all. I guess that is the downfall of it being a third pregnancy, it is exciting but you know the outcome and how beautiful that is.

I wish I would have another moment with him. I know that can't happen the way I'd like it to happen, but I wish he would come to me and I would know it was him. I need some reassurance that everything is okay for him and that we will be okay (well, me at least). He came to me once before, I was on some pain killers, but I truly believe he spoke to me. I guess he was "advanced" for his age.

Well we are back. We had a great weekend. The shopping was good, although nothing fits quite yet. It was fun to just look around and buy a few things here and there. The Vikings game was fun. I think it is a little easier to watch it on the television. I had a hard time tracking the ball. And there were 2 ladies sitting in front of us that were a little distracting...good people watching at the dome. It was good to getaway for a little while.

I kind of thought maybe if I'd get out of town, out of my house...I could feel a little like my old self again. It all follows you...I feel like there is a ceiling to the amount of any emotion that I can feel, and I do not like that feeling. I don't know myself anymore. I need to redefine who I am and that is not easy. I know my life will never be the same. I will always have a piece of me missing. At least, that is how I feel now. Everything just seems so pointless, unmeaningful. I feel like I lost my fire...my spunk. It is not that I feel guilty if I have a really good laugh or enjoy myself. It is just like there is a ceiling to what I can feel in any moment. I don't feel safe anywhere. My world just does not feel safe, it feels uncomfortable and foreign sometimes.

Well, I need to help my little munchkin. Maybe I will write more later.

We are all still hurting...

I watched Beckett's slide show yesterday afternoon. I had this urge to do it, I had to do right then. Grace and Holden were both on the respective computers (playing educational games:). the minute Holden heard the song Glory Baby he came right into the living room. He held me. He kept looking at me. Tears were freely rolling down my cheeks and dripping on his arm. He is the best kid! He just squeezed me tighter. Grace then came down, took one look at me and then was not sure how to proceed with what she came down to do. Her little lip quivered and then she began to cry. She told me I am not crying because of the baby, I am crying because you won't let me play at my friends house. She never even asked if she could go to a friends house. So we all cried a little together.

As we were having supper, Holden was acting different. When we asked him to tell us what was wrong, he came over to me and gave me a hug and said he just couldn't live without Beckett. He was crying. Talk about taking your heart and twisting it! I wanted to throw a chair of something but I just cried with him. He wanted to be rocked. I couldn't tell him everything would be alright. I just let him know that we all feel like that and only time would make our hearts feel better. I wish I could protect them from the pain and the loss, but I can not. This is one hurt I can't make better and that is very difficult as a mom. We all miss Beckett and miss all the things that were supposed to be.

Today I had an appointment with the vascular surgeon. The nurse looked at us and said the last time you were in here weren't you pregnant? She had a big smile on her face. I got choked up and then Cory finished for me. We lost our baby. I looked to the floor and envisioned our little boy sitting in his car seat, sleeping peacefully. It is just so hard to accept that he is not here with us. The good news is that I can have surgery to have the veins removed. It sounds like a fairly simple process and recovery so I am glad for that. I am so excited for this surgery. December 1st will be the big day and hopefully the last time I need to deal with these buggers:) And...I get permission to hang out in sweats for about 2 weeks! Gotta love that!

Tomorrow morning we are leaving for a little getaway to Mpls with some friends. We are going to the Vikings/Packers game on Sunday. It should be a great game. It will be nice to get away from everything for a short while. I know it will be really hard to leave the kiddos but they will have fun with g'ma and g'pa. We will have fun too. Hopefully the weather will hold out for us.

Dear Beckett,

Hey little buddy, mommy has been thinking about you a lot today. I think about how big you would be already. I think about how great it would feel to hold you in my arms and to feel your warmth. I had such big plans for us, little guy. I guess God's plans are bigger and better. It is hard to believe that it has been almost 5 weeks since mommy gave birth to you. It feels like forever ago! How fast time goes, but so slow as well. Some days seem to drag on forever and I can't wait to go to sleep...I am just exhausted from the emotions I feel each day. I can remember when Holden and Grace were little babies and the days were like that. The days went so fast, I never seemed to get anything accomplished and then I couldn't wait to go to sleep, even if I'd have to wake up every 2 hour to feed them.

That is kind of how it is now, but you are just not here. I take care of you in my mind by thinking of you and wondering what you are doing in heaven. Trying to do everyday tasks can be so daunting. It is like I can stare at it on my to do list but not know how to start it. It seems too big a task sometimes.

I want to care for you so badly. I never wanted to give you up. I still don't want to give you up. I look at your little face in pictures and I hold it close to my heart. How could a mother and father ever want to give up a face like that? You are such a mixture of your two siblings. When I look at them when they are sleeping, I see your resemblance. It makes me so happy to be able to see you in them. It also makes me so sad because I know the joys they bring to our life and I imagine the joy you would (and did) bring to our life.

I love you little pumpkin. Today I send you hugs and kisses to heaven-catch them!

Love,
Mommy

Grace also wanted to write you a little note:

Dear Beckett,
i love you beckett's up in heaven beckett cory is buried beckett cory loves me
love, grace

She typed that...I think it sweet. I need to remember that she needs to work through this too; although it is too abstract for her to totally understand.

Another batch of company gone...

My mom and Ann left this afternoon. I usually start to get sick to my stomach a few hours before I know people have to leave. I do not like being this far away from my family. I would just love if I could stop by my sisters house to talk. Go to mom and dad's for supper. As soon as people give their goodbye hugs, the tears start. I miss my family so much...I miss Beckett so much. I just want him so badly, no other baby will do-just him. There is no one else but Beckett who can fill the hole in my heart. Another child would not fill it. My children, do not fill it. I so thankful to have them-I love them on a different level, a new level. I realize first hand how fragile life really is. When I say they do not fill the hole I do not mean that they do not mean the world to me...I mean that Beckett is just that special. He has a special place in my heart for only him.

We went to Target today to look for a Barbie outfit. Grandma is trying to bribe Grace into doing all her business in the potty. There have been many bribes and promises made:) While standing in the checkout line. A little baby sat in her car seat. Precious as can be. I just want to take those babies in my arms and hold them. That mother was so proud, telling Gracie the babies name. She asked Grace to guess how old she was, turns out she is the same age as Beckett would be. I am pretty sure he'd have a few more pounds on him, though. My chest got tight. I felt like I was going to hyper ventilate. I am sure my blood pressure rose a few points. I am thankful that I have the strength to keep it together on the outside when I am crumbling on the inside. I have learned that I have a strength in me I did not know I possessed.

A good thing for people to know-or just be sensitive to-is that even though someone like myself may appear to be doing "well" or adjusting...a lot of things are going on, on the inside. You really have no choice. I have to keep moving physically. I have kids that need to be fed, taken to activities, home work to do, a house to keep clean, groceries that need to be bought, etc. There really isn't an alternative. I would much rather be laying in my bed in silence or not getting out of bed at all in the morning, but I know that there are others that need me. I need to be strong.

So, if this happens to a close friend of yours...know that the pain is still really intense, they are still mourning, day to day and hour to hour can be so different. Just be sensitive and allow people to own their emotions without judging, hoping they move on soon, or being impatient. It is a big job to be a good friend in times of sorrow and suffering. It can be tiring. Just know, though, that your friend will never forget your dedication. They will be forever grateful.

On another note, I spoke with a patient advocate at the hospital Beckett was delivered and it sounds like there will be some extra training, possible in-service, and there will be a discussion with the people who were involved in my surgery. I hope this is really carried through. If I had enough strength I'd offer to go speak to medical staff myself, but I'd be a blubbering idiot. I just hope other families experiences will be improved. There isn't much medical staff can do for families who are suffering the loss of a child, but there are little things like body language and simple little things that can go a long way. For example, one of our nurses brought in a bed for Cory so that we could sleep side by side. That was a tremendous act of kindness (apparently it is against the rules). We needed to be close. We have not gotten the bill yet, maybe we got charged for an extra bed and it was not so great:)!!

My mom and godmother Ann came last night to spend a few days. I am thankful for their presence. Not only are they funny, but it gives me a little break in the grieving. Not that I do not think of little Beckett all the time, but a break from crying. When there is a buzz in the house and conversation it allows a rest because there is so much to talk about and do. We went to scout out a few places for something to mark Beckett's grave so we can find it in the winter. We have not decided on a headstone yet. It is just to fresh and too hard to think about that. It is the last thing we have to do in the chain of events for Beckett. It is hard to do it. It is so final.

I know there is no time limit to grieving or for how long you stay in one spot in the process. I feel that sometimes I still have not accepted that he is gone and not coming back. I have to tell my myself a few times a day that he is gone, he is not coming back. It still has not completely settled in yet. Our little boy is in heaven and he will never be with us physically. It is such an enormous life change that I still cannot believe that happened to us...that it is real.

I feel like I am stuck right now. I know this is going to be a long process...I need to be patient. I need to fully feel what each day brings, work through it and start all over the next day. It is a lot of work to start each day...today was a little easier because I had no choice. I woke to Grace requesting a puke bucket. I went into full mom mode from a deep slumber in a matter of seconds, no time to contemplate what the day would bring. Thank goodness the puke bucket was no longer needed past 8am:) Isn't it amazing how quickly you can react to your kids needs?

Wow...thank you!

There are many people that have done many special things for us. We will be forever grateful. On this particular day, we received something that instantly brought me to tears. Someone I do not know sent us a BEAUTIFUL work of art. You know who you are even if I do not, personally. THANK YOU! I immediately found a spot for it. It touched me very much. I can't believe that you would take the time to have made this for our family, a family you do not know. Thank you for the letter and sharing your story of heartache. I will cherish that gift and keep it prominently displayed in our home.

"You may forget with whom you laughed, but you will never forget with whom you wept." ~Carie O'Leary

This is so true.

Well Donna has just left and I already miss her. There are a few saying in this book I purchased that make me think of Donna and all of our friends and family who have been there for us.

"I am here. Let's heal together." ~Unknown

"I did not come to comfort you; only God and time can do that; but I did come to say how deeply and tenderly I feel for you in your sorrow." ~Unknown

"Thank you for letting me talk
and letting me cry.
Thank you for cheerful hello's
and tearful goodbye's.
Thank you for asking me questions
and saying his name.
Thank you for not understanding
but sharing my pain." ~Jacqueline M. Savageau

"Needed: A strong, deep person wise enough to allow me to grieve in the depth of who I am,
and strong enough to hear my pain without turning away.
I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me.
Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning, and believe in a rainbow."
~Fr. Joe Mahoney

I think of all my friends and family who have reached out to us and let us know they care, when I read these. Thank you for coming to us and not being afraid. Thank you for praying for us because you know we are in pain. Thank you for letting us see there are good things in this world and that Beckett touched so many, in so many different ways!

I looked through Beckett's memory box this morning. It makes me sad to think that all our memories are contained in such a little box. His stay was much to brief. If I could pour all our sadness, love, tears, and happy memories in a box it would be much to big to fit in our house. "There are many tears in the heart that never reach the eyes."~Unknown

Donna has arrived and we enjoyed doing what we love best...shopping. Since we are pretty frugal when together, we did not go too crazy. We did splurge on Starbucks and a fountain soda from our old stopping grounds in college! We are nuts. I have really enjoyed my time with her. She is a great listener, she understands my sarcasm, and we don't need to talk to feel our connection. We did come across a book that I am so glad I found. It is a book of poems, quotes, some scripture...written by people who have lost someone they have loved. It really spoke to me and I am sure I will share some of its sayings soon. It is sitting upstairs and I really do not feel like walking up to get it.

We went to church this morning. This is our second time. We went because it is the celebration of all saints day and they were honoring our little angel Beckett with a candle and a bell chime (along with others that have died this year). I know my sister Sherri's church chose Beckett to remember today. I am so gracious, we are so gracious, that our story has touched so many people and they pray for us. It is such a beautiful tribute to Beckett. It is hard to put into words, but it is so heart warming to know that he made a difference in this world. This sweet little baby who never took a breath of life outside of his mommy...was able to touch so many beyond his family.

Anywho...it was difficult to sit there and listen to God's word. It really was. For myself, I still need to be angry. I am still hurt by this tragedy. I just do not understand. In my heart I know, but my mind stops me from feeling that. It feels easier to be angry right now. I feel closer to Beckett somehow. I feel like I am protecting him, fighting for him. This is how I feel like I am letting him know how much I love him, miss him, and wanted him. I don't feel like I really had that opportunity...for him to feel my warmth, to hear my heartbeat while he is laying on my chest, to hear me sing him a special song, for me to be there when he cried. It sometimes feels like if I choose to listen to God at church, I am saying it is okay. That I am okay with it, and I am not. I think of it as there was someone I trusted, loved, put my faith in and He had hurt me in the worst possible way. You still love them but you need time to heal your wounds. Time to rebuild that trust.

We visited his grave site today, after church. We bought five flowers to place there...one for each of the four of us and Donna. It is so hard to go there. It brings up so many feelings. To look at the spot where we laid his body to rest, I picture him there. I envision what he looked like that night we met him in person. I just want to hold him so badly, just once more.I want to see him again, just once more. The time was just too short.

My other sweet little boy Holden is reacting to my pain today. He is hugging me and wants to be close to me. He asked what I was doing. I told him I write about Beckett and post it and then all sorts of people read it. He wanted to write something to. He wrote a little letter.

Dear Beckett,
I miss you. I am sad that you are not with us. I wish I could play with you. I wish I could hold you and tell a funny story. We visited your grave today. It made me feel sad. I love you my little buddy.
Love, Holden

My heart just breaks for my little boy who wanted a brother so bad.

First Holiday, Beckett would have been 2 weeks old

Today is the first official holiday without our baby. Halloween isn't a holiday that I get too excited about. Most people wouldn't really think it would be that big of a deal. In all my preparations for the baby, I had bought a cute knitted pumpkin hat for the baby to wear on Halloween. He is buried in that hat. The kids wanted to buy a full on costume for the baby to wear. I knew I would not be trick-or-treating with my kids. I'd stay home with the baby and show him/her off to all my friends and strangers. I am such a planner that I was envisioning all these little things. That is what makes this day hard. I had it all planned out in my head. I'd be hurrying to get the kids dressed, fed, while answering doorbells, baby crying, everything chaotic. Then the kids would leave with daddy and baby and I would hand out candy together. The kdis would be so excited to show me everythign when they got home. I'd have to tell them to be quiet because the baby is sleeping. Does anyone else think this far ahead? Maybe I am wierd...I sound wierd. Well, a positive thing is that I will get to watch the kids trick or treat. It will be interesting to see if Grace actually says the magic words or if she whispers them.

On another note, we received a surprise package on our doorstep this morning. Cory discovered it first. It was a big, disgusting turd in tinfoil on our front step! (Some people are probably wondering what type of neighborhood we live in). I get that it is Halloween...but that is in very bad taste! Not funny. I am guessing it may have been the same person or group who enjoys torturing our kids by demolishing their snowmen, stealing their pumpkins...someone is very comfortable walking up to our house. I really want to hang a sign that says "Our son is dead, back off."
~The funny thing is when I returned from morning appointments there was another package in tinfoil at our front door. I was ready to come unglued, but it was a loaf of bread with a beautiful card from someone who reads this blog. Thank you!~

Some of you know that we had an appointment with my doctor. It was a very difficult appointment to go to. I knew I had to wear a hat and pull it down to cover my eyes so I would not have to look at all of the pregnant mothers, little newborns, ect. Thankfully, it was not that busy. I always feel like I am on the verge of loosing control when I am in those situations. It is hard to hold back the tears. I am really good at just letting them pool without them falling out.

We heard some things today that were both comforting and heartbreaking. This was the first time we could really ask questions about what had happened. First, I told her that we did not care for the physician that took care of us. She told me right away that she was sorry and that she would have liked to have been notified of our situation. Whew...she can still be my doctor. I knew I liked her. I did not want to pose that question to her because really what would she say? "No Holly, I would not like to be bothered on my weekend off"?

Then we spoke about the possibilities of why this happened. Why did Beckett die? The reports indicated there was no medical reason, that they could tell, without an autopsy, the reason for his death. There were no underlying conditions in me, there were no cord issues or placenta issues...he was a perfect baby boy. That hurts...it really hurts. It was excruciating when they announced that in the OR. "A beautiful baby boy with lots of hair". Knife right threw the heart out and then twisted for good measure! Granted, we did not ask for an autopsy. What did it matter really? The outcome was the same. On the other hand, we are thankful. Thankful...to know he probably did not suffer or struggle. Thankful...he probably just fell asleep and did not wake up. Thankful...that there was not a "condition" that went undetected in me that could have prevented this.

So, it is both a blessing and a heartache. A mystery...a reason for Beckett's death will not be known. That is something else I will have to digest and work through. We kind of knew that already, but it is confirmed. It is the end of the story. You always tend to want and answer. Sometimes that makes it easier to process. It medically it is probably better that there was not a "reason". If we decide to try for a fourth child, we don't have to make that decision based on possible complications we could face. We would certainly have intense anxieties and I am guessing it would not be a pleasant 38 weeks.

Some people are asking about my "veins"...I had a couple of doctors take a look see at them. Facial expressions are priceless...it is something I can get a real giggle out of. They discussed lancing them...sounded scary to me...I was picturing myself in this huge pull-up to contain the blood! They decided that it would need to be done in a surgical setting. Thank goodness...I hate my veins but I was pretty nervous about the outcome. Looks like I will go back to the vascular surgeon and see what he thinks. Holly maybe having another surgery very soon. They spoke of lasers so that can't be too bad. Right?? So the veins stay for a while.

So, I really don't know what else to write. I kind of feel numb right now. It will take some time to work through the news. Thankfully my dear friend Donna will be here tonight and we can work through it together. I know there will be a lot of sarcasm and words shared that we always tell our children not to use like "stupid" "dumb"...

As I was doing a little grocery shopping at Wally World, Sorry to all of you Walmart lovers, but I just don't like it! So I was in a little bit of a bad mood...I didn't want to be there but I needed to buy black hair paint and to save a trip to the grocery store I thought I'd get it all done in one shot. I was just waiting for someone to ask if something was wrong or tell me to cheer up and then I'd let them have it. I feel so bad for secretly, well now publicly, wanting just to yell at some unsuspecting stranger. That is so cruel. The good news is, I would only say those things in my head. Big talker, no action. It just feels good to think it.

I can't control my mind sometimes, I see baby toys, Christmas stuff, baby stuff...I still get so angry (a lot of swear words run through my mind). I feel so hurt and so robbed. It is like someone came and just took something very special that was ours and it's not fair, I know I'll never get it back and I am mad. I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to chase after whoever did this and get it back.

I know Jesus has Beckett. I know he will allow me to throw a few temper tantrums and get away with it, like we let our own kids do sometimes. I am trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that this is how my life is now, our life. It is like it was before. I was planning and preparing for the changes we would have in our family. I wanted those... no matter how tough, crazy, tired our lives would be. I want my Beckett. I want my little boy. I secretly and then sometimes not so secretly wished for a little boy. I love my little girl like crazy and I would gladly take 2 but I wanted a little guy. I got him.

It is a beautiful day today, we are supposed to top out at 70 degrees. As I was driving home I looked over to Beckett's grave site and I had to go to him. I visited him alone today. I cleared all the leaves away. I sobbed for our little boy. I have to find something to mark his grave before it is covered with snow and I can't find his when I drive by. I wonder why I torture myself sometimes. Why do I purposely take that route? Why do I always glance over whenever I go somewhere?