It is 11 degrees and it feels like spring! We had a few last minute items to buy. On our way home, the kids were talking about all the people that we get to see. They were so excited. They were discussing the babies that would be there like Charlie and Julia (not exactly babies, but oh well). I said how much I wished our baby would be with us this Christmas. It is the most frustrating thing...wanting someone so bad, but you know you will have to wait a lifetime. Gracie said "He will be with us mommy, he will follow us to Grandma and Grandpa's-just like the sun!" and again she reminded me that he lives in our hearts. So smart for 3 (but she can't poop in the potty!). I am trying really hard to not think of Beckett as gone, but just living in another place. Especially now, I feel the anger and unfairness of all of this.

Dear little Beckett,

How are you sweetie? Mommy misses you so much. I wait for moments that I may feel you next to me. I am pretty sure I have felt you 3 times in the last month. I wonder if you watch with amazement at all this Christmas stuff. Watch your brother and sisters excitement over everything. You know, there is only one gift that could fill my heart this Christmas and that is you in our arms. I know we would all give up everything for that! We did receive a great gift though, it just came a little early. It was the day we officially met you and named you. I was so sad but so proud and honored to be your mom...it just hurt so bad to have to say goodbye to your face. Oh baby boy, how heavy my heart is...but it is so heavy because I love you so much. Being so sad all the time is just a testament to how much you mean to me (to us). I hope you enjoy the birthday party with Jesus. I will be thinking of you! I love you little buddy.

Love, Mommy

We wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope you enjoy all your families and friends. I will not write until we return on Sunday. We are headed to Watkins so not so much access to Internet without taking an hour to load a page!