On Monday, thanks to a great friend who volunteered to watch the girls, I listened to Natalie Holloway's mom speak on hope. It was powerful to be in the same room with someone who has gone and continues to through some tough stuff. Well, tough, is an understatement. Her words were ones I could take home because I know that anyone who had lived through a horror such as hers, is someone to listen to. She spoke about making a conscious choice everyday to make it a good day. That is so true. Even though your heart feels empty and the pain and anger creep up...you need to make a choice to make it a good day. Keeping things in perspective is a difficult task some days more than others.

Words are often difficult to live by, especially when you've been knocked down a time or two (or too many to count). It is something I try to do each day. Some days are more successful than others, but the human spirit is amazing. Beth's spirit in the aftermath of her daughters hideous death is something to be inspired by! I am so glad I was able to be there. And to my other friend...thanks for the ticket!

As I posted earlier in the month, a beloved friend of mine died. I was able to attend his wake and funeral which was such a beautiful tribute to him. He has so many friends in his life that loved him to pieces. That was very evident at his services. One can only hope to touch that many people in a short lifetime. Since his funeral, he has been in many of my dreams. He is either just sitting there with a smile or simply a part of what is going on. I find this so interesting. I think of him often...maybe that is the reason he is always there. However, I think of Beckett all of the time. I used to just sit and think of him before I dozed off hoping he would appear in my dreams that night. I can only think of 2 dreams that he was there and I am not even sure it was Beckett. Both were not peaceful dreams...I just find it interesting that I am having all these peaceful and fun dreams of Coney and for some reason dreams of Beckett just do not happen.

I have been doing some reading on the human spirit, specifically the spirits of babies...I just wonder if there is some connection and if the dreams and the spirit are somehow intertwined. The readings I have looked at say that the spirit is the same age of the person who died. Some say spirits age just like we do on earth. They mature over time...I just wonder if over time Beckett will appear more in my dreams as he gets older in his spirit life. I don't even know if I believe all of that business, but it makes me feel more connected to him. Mediums are really interesting to me. Maybe someday I will decide to go see one.

Please keep my friend and her family in your prayers as they had to say goodbye to a brother and son way too soon this week. There has been so much death and heartache lately. My heart just hurts because I know the pain that all the days and months and years that follow hold for them.

Goodbye to a great friend!

Today my heart is aching. It aches for a dear friend who has passed from this life and for his family who are left to grieve.

I was friends with this man for as long as I can remember. We became especially good friends in the 2nd grade. We loved to torment Mrs. Kaufman, but she loved it!! She always teased us that we were going to get married someday. I could go on and on about all the "adventures" we had together. We were a dynamic duo of sorts. I never felt the "eww...boy germs" with him. We were good friends simple as that!

We made a pact one day that we would get married if neither of us had found someone by the age of 30. We also had made plans to run the town bank because we were definately qualified and super smart at math!

He basically is associated with all my childhood memories. We shared many laughs, lots of trouble making, and he was the source of some unforgetable memories. He was the person you always wanted around because you'd always be laughing! I remember we were sitting around the campfire in high school and him trying to light his farts on fire. He would jump up and down to work one out and then let it fly as he would hold a lighter near his bum. It worked...and at least one time his pants started on fire.

We had a special friendship that was based on so much more than crazy antics. We had lots of heart to hearts. We connected on a lot of levels. I will miss him tremendously! Though the years after high school we had grown apart, he'd always have a huge hug when we'd see each other back home. I loved him.

Over Christmas 2008, I was home and a group of us got together. Cory was along for the fun (well we had WAY more fun). I remember I was so excited for Cory to meet him because he was such a huge part of my childhood. I am glad he got to meet him!

I could go on an on about the memories and the things I loved the most, but Liv is not cooperating:)

So to a dear friend...I love you...goodbye...may your soul be flying with the angels...give my little guy bump!!

A sign...

Today was a very difficult day. It was very sad and emotional. I knew it would be hard, but I honestly was not prepared to feel this way. After a day of grieving, your body and mind is exhausted. I have a headache the size of Texas, but hopefully the worst is behind me.

I write again to share how we honored Beck tonight and the special sign that was to follow. We went out for dinner and then headed to the cemetery to let our balloons go. When we got there we found some beautiful flowers and a teddy bear with balloons attached to his arm. Thanks guys!!! We sang happy birthday to our little guy and let the balloons soar. We lingered for a while, watching Holden and Grace run around. We said, "Let's go guys, come on!" We did one group hug and started to disperse.

That is when we got our sign. There was a little lady bug crawling up Grace's leg!! We could not believe it.

Those that have followed our story, you know why this is significant. For any new followers...the day of the graveside service Grace took off and squealed loudly at the service, "A legobug! A legobug!" She took off and was attending to the legobugs. It brought laughter to everyone there. It was a break in the utter sadness we were all feeling. So, the ladybug has been special to us.

It was the perfect ending to a not so perfect day:)

2 Year Angelversary for Beckett...

No one has seen this video put together by Rialeephotography. It has only been seen by a few family members and ourselves. I have only watched it a couple of times. It is incredibly painful to watch. I wish I had been able to include more "before" pictures but it was done while I was in the hospital and I had no idea where to tell people to look. I tried putting a video together myself (I actually promised that) but my scanner stopped working and I couldn't load them on my computer. I wanted to share this with all of you today...so many people have invested in our story...I wanted to share a little more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0st7JR7oU8

Today we will release balloons to the heavens for our little guy. We plan to have some cupcakes in honor of his birthday as well. THANK YOU ALL for remembering him with us today and each time you think of him! He is one loved little boy. I sure hope they are celebrating him in heaven today!

I got to spend 24 hours away from home to scrapbook with a few friends this weekend. What a great way to busy my mind with fun stuff. Not to mention, we were on a lake with all the leaves turning brilliant colors. It was SO beautiful! Peaceful.

When I got home, the kids and I decided to go out and play in the leaves. Of course, Holden complained the minute I brought out the camera. I told him someday you will want pictures of yourself. Your future kids will want to see what you looked like. I told him it made me sad that I have no pictures to scrap of him because he always looks away from the camera. I guess those were magical words and I got a few photos of him, but he was still self conscious:) My children are the great loves of my life. Here are a few photos of our time together.

Liv loved the leaves!! The kids were hilarious in their goggles to keep leaves out of their eyes.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Tomorrow is October 4th. Two years ago, on that day, we finally got to hold the little baby we longed to meet. Two years ago, on that same day, we had to say goodbye to a little angel. It was the hardest day of my life. I will never overcome the trauma of that day. I will never forget that crushing pain in my chest. I will never forget the endless tears that rolled down my cheeks. I will never forget the emptiness I felt when they walked him out of our room. I didn't know how I would pick up and move on...