The new year is not rolling in as wonderful as I had hoped it would. The morning started off wonderful. My children and I all snuggling on the couch. It was too early to fight...too early to say many words. I decided to try and make my mom's famous homemade bread today. The kids were very excited! Grandma's toast is pretty famous. It is even famous among friends of the kids. One time the kids were looking for a snack and Holden's friend said, "Hey do you have any of that grandma's toast?" Grace and I were just finishing up mixing the dough when I got a phone call from my mom. I thought she was just checking in on us to see how the bread was coming along. I could hear the frog in her throat...I asked if she was sick.

The pause and word "No" told me something was wrong.

She told me that her dearest friend in the world, the woman whose name is my middle name, my godmother, was dying. Through her tears she continued to explain that she only had about a week to live. She had leukemia and did not know it. The sickness she has had over the last month just took over her body and at the hospital they discovered the cancer.

My heart is breaking today for my mom...for Ann's family...and for all of those whose life she was a part of.

She was a good woman. She was a large part of our family's life. Ann and mom together would make us laugh! They were hilarious together.

She is mom's best friend. She has been for 48 years!!! WOW. Their friendship spans for so long. How do you say goodbye to someone who means the world to you? How do you ever fill that hole? I don't know all of mom and Ann's secrets but I do know that they had a beautiful friendship. I know of all the trips they took annually together, their scrabble wars, their long talks, their bottles of wine shared, their sleepovers we used to tease them about. I know my mom cherished her and relished their time together. One of mom's biggest excitements about moving to the farm was that her and Ann would only be 5 minutes apart. They did everything together. I am so sad that their earthly friendship is coming to an end. I know my mom's world will be changed forever. I know she will feel that horrendous sadness and aching to call her friend to share stories. It truly is devastating.

Thank goodness my mom and dad were able to get a flight out tomorrow. I just pray that they make it in time to be with her. I pray that all her children will make it in time to be with her as well. Please join me in my prayers that the goodbye, although terribly sad, will be a good one.

I love you Annabell!! From Holly Dolly (as she called me)...

In her famous words on every note and card....peace, love and prayers!!

Liv has really taken a liking the the photo of Beckett we keep displayed on a shelf in the kitchen. Lately, she has been pointing to him every morning. I will take the picture down and she will hold it and giggle. She will grin her biggest grin and scrunch her eyes. She gave him some moochies too. I always tell her who he is and she will just giggle. It is so sweet. She may do the same for any other baby picture out there, but I'd like to think there is a special connection there.

This is our 3rd Christmas without our little guy. How can it possibly be that long? I remember how miserable that 1st Christmas was. I really don't remember much of it. I do remember my sister standing up and giving a little tribute to Beckett, tears in everyone's eyes. I remember not being able to look at anyone. I remember my mom making special angel oranaments that year for him. I remember just wanting to disappear. I remember that saddness in my heart. I remember missing him so fiercely. I remember staring out the window Christmas Eve and just longing to be close to my baby.

I long to be close to him always. The pictures just are not enough. I want to hold him. I want to squeeze him. I want to smell him. I want to know him.

I saw this somewhere. I do not know the author. It is fitting for this time of year for all those who are missing someone dear to them.

I'm Spending Christmas With Jesus This Year



I see the countless trees around the world below


With tiny lights like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow


The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,


For I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.




I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear


But they can't compare with the Christmas choir up here


I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring


For it's beyond description to hear the angels sing


I know how much you miss me,


I see the pain inside your heart


But I'm not so far away, we really aren't apart.




Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do


For I can't count the blessings of love He has for you


I can't tell you of the splendor, nor the peace in this place


Can you imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?




I'll ask Him to light your spirit as I tell him of your love


Then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.


So, please let your hearts be joyful, and let your spirit sing


For I'm spending Christmas in Heaven,


and I'm walking with the King!

The Klinnert family (much like everyone else's family) has been incredibly busy. I do appreciate the hustle and bustle. It keeps me focusing on the future. Today as I was driving home from a quick errand...it hit me. Beckett is missing from all these wonderful times with us and his family. I think about our little boy all the time. But, most of the time it is just thoughts...remembering him. And then there are the times that my heart feels like it is in a vice. I feel like my breath is taken away. Today was one of those times.

I'd love to be out buying him gifts. I don't want to be just remembering him. I want him here to hold. I want him here to destroy the Christmas tree. I want to hang a stocking for him and I want him to be point out which one is his.

Some times I get sick of staying strong, holding in my feelings, sick of having to move on, sick of not having him here as he should be, sick of only having memories, sick of missing him, sick of being thankful for what I have...it is tough work. Some days are harder than others.

The day has arrived! Liv is officially 1 year old. I don't know who is the most excited in this family. The kids are so absolutely adorable about this day. They are so thrilled for her. They are a little miffed that a few things are on the calendar for today. This day should be reserved for everything Liv:)

I can't even describe the joy that is in my heart today. I have so many beautiful emotions that I am feeling. I remember the day she was born very clearly. I remember the tremendous load of grief and fear that seemed to be lifted the moment I heard that beautiful baby scream. I remember being completely overwhelmed...in disbelief...relief...and then just an outpouring of pure love. I remember her being put into my arms. Every little movement and sound seemed like a wondrous moment. Those were some of the best hours of my life. All my kids births were tremendously special, but after the tragedy of loosing Beckett...this day was just that much more meaningful. Not because she means more to me than my other kids but because I had a new appreciation for life. What a beautiful gift Beckett left us with. The gift to know such pain so tremendous and agonizing...to then only experiencing the high of life. It was a great day. A tremendous day. A glorious day...indeed.

How wonderful that she is here so that we are able to celebrate her milestone of reaching 1 year old! It is amazing. She brought such joy and laughter to this house. She delights us all, as well as, her extended family. She has such a lovely spirit. We are so lucky to have her.

Liv had two parties. We celebrated with the Oster family over Thanksgiving. Her aunt Mandie made her a very cute Elmo cake. She hated the party hats (of course). She did love the cake. She really had no idea what to think of this chunk of red food placed before her, but eventually she figured it out.

Then there was a gathering with the Spielman's. Another homemade cake for her to devour. And another round of presents to open. She likes to rip off a chunk of paper and then hand it to someone. The process can be very slow and more than one thing to open a little overwhelming. She got a pair of squeaker shoes from G'ma and G'pa...super cute and fun! She still does not have it figured out that whenever she takes a step she squeaks. Photos are not cooperating at this time.

What a wonderful day!