You know how when you sit there sometimes, thoughts float in and out, not intentionally...just random things pop into your mind? Gosh, I hope I am not the only one! Lately, my thoughts have been consumed by Beckett. That is pretty typical for me on a daily basis but lately I have been feeling really sad. Choked by visions of him laying so still in my arms. Recollecting that long, lonely walk out of the hospital without my baby but in his place a box filled with a few momentos. I think of him after he left our room...thinking of where they took him. I think of him going to the funeral home. I think of him laying in that white coffin. I think of that lifeless, precious boy. I think of how big he'd be right now. I daydream about what he'd look like. I take the mannerisms I like the most from Holden, Grace, and Liv and give those to him...then I watch him in my mind. In just 3 months he'll be 2 years old. Full of life...and then I stop daydreaming and the reality of our life without him hits me. That is when I see him as we did on that horrendous day. And my heart sinks. And I can't wrap my head around how something so horrible...happened...

I look at Liv and I can't even explain in words the joy she brings to my heart and soul. This sweet, pure, innocent soul...how blessed we are to have her in our lives. She is absolute treat! Everyday I am thankful, grateful, and 100% of the time reminded of how this little life is to not be taken for granted.

I think a lot about how we got to where we all are and what it all means. I have come a long way in my grief and trying to understand Beckett's death and why it happened. I have taken some time to digest a simple,quick conversation I had with my mom about the book, The Shack, back in June. I read the book within that 1st year of loosing Beckett. The book was so/so. The part of the book I was most interested in was the fact that the little girl knew her dad when he saw her in heaven. She remembered him. There were feelings shared there. That was the part of the book that spoke to me. Now I can see why. It was where I was in my grief. I just couldn't get over where he was and what would happen when we met again. I was still po'ed at God too. It was He that did this to us. He hurt us. Who else was to blame? When there is not an explanation for death you look for someone to blame. I chose to blame God. If someone is killed by a drunk driver, it is that person who caused this horrific accident and carries the blame and there can be a direction to channel anger. In my situaiton, there were no red flags. It happened quickly and without reason. So I blamed God. I am not ashamed to admit that.

My mom asked me what I thought about the idea that God would never hurt his children. We are all His children and He would not harm us. That long ago free will was chosen so that is what determines our future. Hmmm. I heard something similar in a sermon from our pastor. I believe I blogged about it some time ago. Everything he had said did not entirely make sense to me, at least not until my mom had stated it so simply. Hmmm. I pondered this throughout the rest of the day. I had an epiphany of sorts that evening as I laid in bed with Grace at my side and Liv at the foot of the bed. I cried in to my pillow. It seemed to make perfect sense to me....18 months later.

I was raised Catholic. I attended Catholic school through the eighth grade. We read from the Bible, learned interpretation through the eyes of our teachers and priest. I remember always having a fear of God. One could be struck down...sent to hell...it always seemed to be the negative that was the focus. Therefore, I learned to fear God and his rath. Maybe this was not all that was taught but that is what I remember most. (The teachers/parents probably used a little bit of scripture to scare the begeesus out of us in an attempt to encourage good behavior). I must say I have used "catholic guilt" a time or two:) How this relates to the way I felt about Beck's death is really clear to me now. At first, I took it personal. WTF did I do to deserve this? Why us? Why me? Why not the person who wants to have an abortion anyway? Why not the families that don't care about their kids? Why, why, why? I also thought of it as a lesson God was teaching us...Beck the sacrificial lamb....sent to teach us things we could never learn unless we experienced a death of a child. I felt God did this to us. There was a "purpose". The old cliche "everything happens for a reason"...but since then I have had a revelation of sorts for myelf.

The revelation was strong and it was almost as if I felt God right there in the room with me, clapping His hands. It was like a parent praising a child for learning something new. It felt so real. It is since then I have been able to let go a little bit of the anger and resentment. I can see Beck's death in a new light. I can see the God was not hurting us intentionally. Why would a loving God bless a family with a beautiful new baby just to take him/her away? Why would God allow two parents to be killed and leave children to be alone? Why would God allow brutal killings? Why would a loving God allow pedofiles to roam the earth? Those were always the questions I would have stroll through my mind and inferiorate me even more. It made me doubt. It made God feel untrustworthy to me.

In that room that night it was like this huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. It is like my heart was open to let God in again. It sounds totally corny, I know, but it happened. I believe God intended for us to have Beckett in our lives but something happened. It was something He could not control. Free will comes into play here. It just happened and He was there to take Beckett to heaven. He loves each of us and never wanted to hurt us. It was not His intention, rather just something that happened. He did not inflict us with this pain. He is there to help comfort us in our sorrow. He is there to fulfil His promises to us.

I know some may argue with me. "Everything happens for a reason." For some those may be words of comfort and a source of strength to draw from. For me, those words are hurtful. Those words mean that God intentionally hurt my children, gave us horrific memories to live with, branded our hearts with pain too immense to describe, gave us a reason to doubt Him and not trust. For me those words do not provide me with a sense of peace. What gives me some peace is believing God loves me and my family. He would not hurt us or allow horrible things to happen. He is all love.

Thanks mom!