Our baby girl is 2!! I can not believe that she has been with us for that long. I am so grateful for her presence in our lives. I get so excited when I even think about her. As she sleeps in the room next to where I am typing I picture her there with her sweet face with those beautiful eyes closed...dreaming. I would love to go in there and hold her to me and let her sleep.

She is an incredible little 2 year old. She is FULL of spunk and personality. Sometimes that spunk drives me bonkers, but it also makes me laugh and wonder what she will think of next. She is learning so much, so fast. She is doing so much, so fast!

Things that drive me nuts: climbing onto the table, using the chairs to get on top of the counter tops, climbing up the shelves in the pantry, taking all the Kleenex out of the box and either tearing it up into little pieces or throwing them all over, unraveling the toilet paper, climbing up the appliances, pounding on the candy machines at the hockey rink and scoring free candy, needing to climb up the giant cement stair at the rink, needing to disrobe any time she hers water running in the shower or bath tub (this would not be so bad but she is a water hog), and NEVER wanting to sit in a stroller or shopping cart ("I walk mom!"), throwing food or using food as body lotion...ahhh.

Things that are just too cute: wanting everyone to do ring around the rosy a billion times, asking for "nuggles", reading book after book, her pretending to read books, she hears music and she is dancing, she likes to show everyone what she is wearing, she is constantly trying to make everyone laugh especially at the dinner table, her excitement when Holden's hockey bag comes up the stairs (she loves hockey because she scores the free candy), singing "Happy to You" to herself on her birthday, her excitement over animals, when she rubs my arm or hair, calling Holden Bob or Bobbie if he is not paying attention to her...this list could go on and on:)

Liv, you are a tremendous blessing in our lives. I cherish you!

I am back from a weekend spent with my mom, sisters, and some friends. It was so refreshing and much needed time with some of the most important people in my life. There was a point on Saturday when the joy I felt in my heart was spilling over. I felt light joy and sunshine was oozing out of my pores. I guess it just felt really good to be home and surrounded by beautiful people.

Before my friend and I left for Watkins, we needed to read a local magazine that featured a friend of ours on the cover. I have been waiting patiently for the magazine to be in the stores. That beautiful family on the front cover is my friend who lost her baby boy Beck shortly after we lost our Beckett. She was the one who saved me from spinning out of control in the grieving process. We have built a great friendship, brought together by tragedy and now the bond of our two little girls Piper and Liv who have brought us so much JOY. I attached the link to the article. Yes you might need a tissue, but you will be amazed at Tami's strength and see the goodness that came from great sadness. I am proud to have her as my friend.

http://www.onthemindsofmoms.com/

You can pick up the magazine at any of our local grocery stores and various stores throughout town...as well as doctor's offices. I was interviewed for the article and was very honored to participate in a small way. Tami is such a wonderful person whom I look up to. I just feel blessed to have her in my (our) life.

There are no adequate words to express the pain that is left in our hearts. The day Beck was delivered it was cold, rainy, dreary. Today it is warm, sunny, glorious. Last night, I felt the darkness of that day. I was overcome with intense anguish. He was all I could think about. I tried watching frivolous shows. I tried playing games. I tried reading a book. But, the replay of all the events that lead to October 4th, 2008 kept replaying over and over and over again. Building in strength with every passing minute. Then midnight neared and the built up feelings just exploded. I tried to close my eyes and will it away, but the tears just puddled and soaked my pillow. I wished there would be a pill I could take to make it all go away. I knew I was in for a long night. I tried taking a Melatonin but knew I needed a Zanax or something. I have never even had a Zanax but it sounded good.

Life is not fair. It is filled with bad deals...(green weiners if you will;). But without those bad deals...we'd never get to experience life with such open eyes. The sun just is not as glorious. The sound of the leaves falling is just not as cool. Staring at your kids is just not as wonderous. The beauty of friendships not realized. The importance of family and their love and support not appreciated as much. All these things have been revealed to us in the aftermath of Beck's death. Not to say that others do not know these things, but when you have dealt with a deep and intense grief of any kind...you appreciate more.

Thank you to all the wonderful people in our life who have remembered us even after all these years. Thank you for the flowers, cards, prayers, messages, e-mails...thanks for remembering him most importantly. I think that is all a parent wants is to know that people remember the kids that are not here with us but still live with us everyday. He is a big part of our family. An important part of our family.

Beckett,

3 years old buddy! Happy birthday to you. I am hoping that there is some celebration for you today. I see you running, laughing, and playing. I see Ann there with you...holding you and pointing out things to you. That makes me feel better to know that she is there too.

Not a single day goes by that you are not thought of. You are ever present in our lives, just not in the way we had hoped. God picked a good family to have you born into because you are loved and missed by so many! There is not another family who could love you more.

I wish I could squeeze you and kiss those soft cheeks. I wish I could share so many things with you. It is hard to accept that those things can only happen in my mind.

Happy Birthday baby!

Just thinking of you today little buddy. I thought I heard you whisper in my ear today..."I am okay mom."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDUkp1Ts8A&feature=related

This day would have marked your last day that I carried you alive...that last movement felt...

The other night, I held my son as he cried...for his brother.

It was a typical weekend night, Holden requesting a sleepover. We said no. He got upset. He stomped off to be alone. After about an hour of letting him pout, I approached him and was met with sad eyes. I asked what was the matter. He turned away and hid his head under the covers. I pressed on asking him to please tell me why he was acting so funny. He relented. What he said nearly knocked me on my knees. Shock, fear, anger, sadness...overtook me.

I still cannot say it or write the words without my heart beating a little faster, air harder to come by...he said that sometimes he wanted to die. I am not thinking of this as a link to Beckett at that second, I am concerned for his mental health. And then he said, "If I die, I will be with Beckett. I just want to see him so bad! I want to be with my brother." He confided in me that this time of year it is really hard for him. He told me that he thinks of him all the time and it makes him really sad. I held him so tight and I blubbered out all the things a mom is supposed to say, but I am thinking I have felt that desperate too at times. I know what you mean buddy.

I definitely underestimated his feelings. I am so wrapped up in my own grief this time of year, I really never even thought to ask him. We talk about Beckett often but we really do not talk about each other's feelings and where we are at now.

My heart breaks for Holden. He is a passionate and sensitive kid. He does not think like a typical nine year old. He is deep, wise...an old soul.

Since then, I have waited for an opportunity to catch him alone and revisit his feelings to gauge where he is at when he is less tired and irritated. He was laying on the trampoline alone today...perfect! I went out and laid on the trampoline with him. We made small talk for a little bit. When I asked him how he is dealing with everything lately, he shrugged his shoulders and said fine. He told me another piece of information that I have never given a thought to. He told me going to church makes him think about Beckett more. He does not like it.

I think I understand his feelings. I know I still struggle with church, especially now. I guess I still have some unresolved resentment and hurts that have not been addressed...neither does he. Problem is...how do I help him? He does not want to talk to anyone about it, but I think he needs to. He is embarrassed and too proud to let his feelings show. How forceful should I be? Any advice would be appreciated.

I am SO overly emotional this time of year. I seriously can tear up over the silliest of things. For example, watchign a recap on the Today Show about the Emmy's. I teared up when Mad Men won, I have never even seen a single episode. I have NO idea what it is about. I cried for Modern Family, well I guess that could be legit.

Today I am crying because I am homesick. I need my mom. I need my sisters. I want to see my dad. I would love just to head to a coffee shop and sit on those oversized chairs and just talk about silly things with them. I have purchased coffee more last week than I ever have because for some wierd reason in makes me feel closer to them. I really love living in Moorhead, but I really hate being far enough away that I have to plan my visits.

I know the reason for all this emotional stuff is because the anniversary of Beck's death is on our heels. I remember those days so clearly. I just really remember how happy we were. How excitied we were. How great life felt.

It has been almost 3 years. 3 YEARS!!!!!!!! He'd be getting so big. He'd be using all those funny words that I would not correct like cadepider, pasghetti, legobug...I picture him and Holden playing catch out in the yard. I see him following his brother everywhere. I see him adoring Holden in his football gear and standing behind him on the sidelines. I see him jumping on the trampoline with the big kids. I see him playing with all the Tonka trucks in the sandbox. I see him everywhere, but I really don't.

I try to imagine what he'd look like, how tall he would be, how the weight of him would feel on my lap, how his hair would smell before I tucked him into bed...I try to imagine a lot of things and it hurts so bad not to know. I am missing a huge part of my life and at times the weight of that is so overwhelming that I fell crushed. Right now I feel crushed. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breath. My little boy. I miss him so much.

I went to his grave site alone this weekend. I don't have many opportunities to do so. I like to sit there and trace his hand prints on his stone. I put my finger right into his palm and envision him squeezing it.

Cory and I are going to sneak away again this year near his angelversary. We did not get to do it last year, but this year we are. Cory's mom and Keith are going to take the kids for us. We got a lake side room with a patio. We will have the King bed with yummy linens and a big TV. Doesn't that sound dreamy? We have no real plans. Maybe we will catch a movie, dinner out...but mostly we will just veg out and watch movies...eat snacks...and then find little bar on the way back to town and catch the Vikes game. Simple, easy...can I go now?

I think it is really good for us to get away at that time. I can sit out on that patio and look into the beautiful sky and hear the lap of the water and think of our little boy.

The school year is off to a good start so far! I think Grace has the best teacher she could have in the 1st grade. Holden likes his teacher as well. She is organized and lays clear expectations, those are situations he can thrive in. Having 2 of the 3 kids gone for half the day is definitely different!

I had a difficult time with letting Grace go. I started this stay at home gig after she was born. We have been through a whole lot together. I have been there for all the firsts, boo boos, bathroom issues, all the fun...and now I had to hand her off. When she was holding on to me for dear life the night before the first days of school with her bottom lip turned down and her salty tears dripping onto my hands, it was hard not to cry with her. Instead, I had to tell her she'd be okay and love school. She would have some new freedom. She gets to be more independent. But, I wanted to cry too and tell her that I wish she could stay little for longer. I wanted to keep her home with me.

She got off to a great start. She seemed to feel confident with her big brother there to get on the bus with her and sit by her. He would get her into the school and come down to her room and get her when it was time to go home. She got off the bus that first day and ran in for a hug and then realized the bus was there with all those kids and she hesitated...gosh, I can't believe we are in the "you are embarrassing me" stage!! It is not like I come out looking like a crazy lady! By that time of the day I have a bra on, my hair is done, and I am out of my comfy clothes! She asked me accusingly, "How long was I at school?" I said, "About 7 hours." She said, "7 hours!!!! 7 hours!!! What? I don't think I like school. That was WAY TOO LONG!" By Thursday she was over the "7 hours".

I was so caught up in loosing Grace, if you will, that I paid little attention to the fact that I would have Liv all to myself! That started to sink in and I started to get excited about getting to do all that little kid stuff with her. When you have older kids all that little kid stuff doesn't happen as much. I have realized that running errands is a whole lot easier with just Liv. She no longer tries to jump out of the cart within the first 2 minutes, rather I get about 20 minutes now before she gets antsy. I think she wanted to get out to run with the big kids before. I let her do that once or twice and not a good idea!

She is the kid that would pull the bottom apple off the display and 20 would come tumbling down. She would proceed to punch every box on the bottom shelf to knock them over. She would take a bottle on a shelf and hurl it as far as she can and laugh...and then go for a second. So it is nice to now not be in a full sweat by the time I leave a store. We signed up for a parent/tot gymnastics class that happens weekly. She LOVED her first day!! She got to run around, dance, jump on legit things, and play with other kids. We are also going to do an ECFE class. I have not done one of these with any of the other kids, so it is something to look forward to. I get to just focus on Liv and that is really cool.

Another really great perk about having two kids in school? I don't have a big lunch mess to clean. Liv will eat anything so lunch is not a big argument. Liv just follows me around the house and stops to play with one or two toys here and there so the house stays clean. Liv takes a nap from about 12:15 to 3:15!!!! That means I have 3 hours, 5 days a week to myself! I am getting lots and lots done! And contrary to what an unnamed brother might think...I don't ever sit down;) I guess what I am trying to say is, I can get used to this! Grace have fun at school:)

Liv bean

A friend asked me the other day if I ever think that Beckett's spirit is a part of Liv. I always thought that! There is a piece of her that reminds me of him, even though I never met him alive, it is something I feel. An intuition if you will.

There is a very vibrant spark in her. She has got a magnetic smile and most of her day is spent smiling. She can also throw a fit but she is so cute doing it, it is hard to get frustrated. She fake cries and lays herself on the ground, and occasionally she will throw something (that isn't so funny). She has always had a strength that seemed unreal. She displays that strength over and over. She can climb a fence, she can swing from our kitchen table, she can hold herself on the monkey bars for over 30 seconds, she can go down a big kid fire pole at the park with very little assistance. In fact, today at the park she impressed an 8 year old girl with her abilities, as she was struggling herself to do it! She can jump off the back end of the Yukon and land on her two feet and walk away unfazed (this is not encouraged but rather a quick move on her part while in my care).

She is quite agile, quick, and spunky. These are definately mommy tiring qualities, but she keeps me on my toes and makes me watch her with great pleasure. I love to sit there and watch her. When she catches me she always flashes the hugest grin. And usually will follow that by doing something to make me laugh on purpose.

Whenever someone comes over, like gma and gpa, she will pull out all her tricks. She likes to impress with throwing her Elmo chair over her head (no worries it is styrofoam). She also like to take out tons of books and rifle threw them like nobody's business. She loves to have company! When she hears the doorbell tring she always says "OH!" and runs to the door. One time she was so excited and surprised by the bell that she fell off the bed.

She is a rough and tumble girl. Not much time for snuggles. She almost always has a bump or a high 5 for you though!

I definately think there is a little spark of Beckett inside her.

It has been a while...

It has been a long while since I have made any entries and I am sad for that! We have been having a crazy, busy, hardly any time to spare kind of summer. Things are finally cooling down for us...kind of.

We have had a jam packed summer full of lots of fun. I will have to do a quick recap and add pics at another time. Part of the reason I have not been blogging is because I have not had a proper computer. I have been using my nook for most of my Internet needs. That thing is great but not for typing! We have a plethera of computers but they all seemed to be on the fritz at about the same time. Two got viruses and one you can no longer see the screen...not condusive to blogging. We had got 2 fixed but now my laptop has decided not to turn on anymore? Frustrating. Now I have to wait for Cory to come home so I can use his laptop but the only time I have time to sit down is after 10pm and I am so exhausted I just can't. However, I can lay my head on the pillow and tune in to the "Real Housewives of ______", fill in the blank I am dumb enough to watch them all!

Highlight of the Klinnert's Summer of 2011

1. Couple's golf weekend! Epic time with awesome friends. One highlight that involved me in particular was deciding to have a "rolling down the hill" contest. Ultra competitive Holly reared her head and I was going for gold! It was dusk and we were at a bar on the lake. A few patrons came outside to watch this fantastic event. Had nothing to do with the fact that it was our 4th or 5th stop at the bar. We took off and I was booking it...I heard screams coming from the pontoon. "STOP! LAKE!" I stopped as I felt the higher grass...stood up and tried to put my foot onto the ground, but there was no ground! A fantastic tumble into the lake, completely submerged...fully clothed! I laughed so hard I nearly peed my pants. Cory leaped off the pontoon to save me, fearing I was in distress...my knight! Once her realized that I was a-ok, he was on a frantic hunt for my $2 flip flop that had gone missing. What a blast:)

2. Tobolt golf tournament in Moorhead. Played for a great cause and fabulous friends.

3. Our annual family vacation to the Shuherk resort in St. Michael. Took in a Twins game, caught Alexi Casilla's batting glove (Cory), Valleyfair, movies, tons of fabulous pool time, 4th of July celebration, fireworks, boating. I took Grace and Holden to Valleyfair. They had a fantastic time and were absolute angels! We got there at 10:30 and left at 10p!! After 9 days you'd think the kids would be ready to head home, but they cried big tears because they did not want to leave.

4. Sweet Potato golf tourney at MCC. Our partners were my sister and her husband. Again, another great weekend of laughter and fun!

5. Cousins and Aunt from Colorado came to spend some time with everyone. Kids loved it so much! Again big tears when it was time for them to head home.

6. Holden's baseball team taking 3rd place in the end of the year tourney. Holden had a huge momentum changing solo double play. What a confidence booster for that guy!

7. Our annual trip with friends to Cragun's resort in Brainerd, MN. Always filled with awesome memories. My lovely mother came with to take care of Liv so that we could sit and enjoy the older kids and friends company. She stayed with her for naps and got her to bed for us, entertained her, took her for walks..it was awesome to have her there!!! Liv loved Cragun's! She was so good there. She was actually great about playing on the beach and sleeping in the room. I absolutely love our trip there and can't wait for next year.

8. An odd highlight, was having a weekend off!!! No where to go, nothing to do...we just stayed home and enjoyed the simplicity of that!! We had some work to do but nothing too crazy. After Cragun's we came home to a downed mature tree and our fence. There was a fierce storm while we were away. We are starting to think about what we are going to do to replace it.

I have lots of great pics to share of our summer so far!

Quick update on kids:

Holden: Starting tackle football on Monday, already starting to think about hockey, looking forward to personalizing his room ( he has got some ideas and I am trying to make it look astheically pleasing;), busy hanging out with friends, and not looking forward to the new school year. Although, he is pretty pumped about his new trapper keeper:)

Grace: Is starting to have some successes with her "with holding", her team took 1st place in her Jr. golf tourney (she got a birdie:), lots of swimming, had a great time with cousin Brianna, is looking forward to school, looking forward to dance starting, wants to try figure skating this year and loves her music!

Liv: She is starting to say and use more words, she is mommy's cling on, she is hilarious, she is always trying to make strangers and familiar people laugh, she loves other kids, she loves to run and ride her trikes, her new favorite is playing in the car, she is "crazy", she like to tell us all when she has a stinky in her "bup", we purchased her a potty chair as she seems to become aware of her bodily functions (to be continued...), she is a good helper, she loves food...the list could go on!

Pictures to come...

Our anniversary was so nice! I usually don't get that excited about that kind of stuff...usually it is just a card or a dinner. It was fun to celebrate a little more this year. Ten years feels like an accomplishment of some kind. I bought tickets to the Twins game for Cory. Instead of a diamond as a gift, I am taking him to the baseball diamond. Neither of us has been there yet so it shoudl be fun. My sister and her husband are joining us as well. I am really looking forward to it. We will be seated by the Twins dug out so if you are watching the July 3rd game you might see us on TV:)

Our anniversary night fell on a Thursday, which people around here know as sacred "men's night". Even our 10 year was no match for "men's night". So, the kids and I made a trip to the zoo. Liv was clapping her hands and screaming when we pulled into the parking lot. She had no idea where we were but she was pretty pumped about it. Nothing makes me happier than to see the pure excitement in my kids faces. Right off the bat the monkeys and armadillos were entertaining! It was a great time we shared together. Liv LOVED it! She walked most of the zoo hand in hand with Holden. He just loves her so much. He is just as thrilled to see her squeal with delight as I am.

I asked for suggestions on where to eat (stupid, I know). The kids wore me down and Space Aliens was the hands down winner. We had so much fun playing the games together. We had a game that was psycho and kept shooting out piles of tickets for nothing. Holden took full advantage...okay so did I:) The kids and I toasted to our anniversary and texted Cory to let him know. We decided to order ourselves a desert to share to bask in the specialness of the day:) We got a large brownie sundae thingy with M&M's and chocolate syrup (my heart beats faster just thinking of it). We had 4 spoons. Of course, 1 spoon sat there unused as I fed Liv from my spoon. Girlfriend only had one bite from me and then quicker than I could catch her she was out of her highchair, unused spoon in hand, digging into the monstrosity that sat before us. She was hilarious going after all she could fighting her way in there with her big brother and sister trying to scarf down what they could. We were all laughing and Liv could not understand why...but then she did...and she put on a show for those all around her. It was such a fun night! Cory ended his night early and came home to hang with us. It was perfect.

I thought I'd update on all the kids today.

Holden is very busy with hockey, golf, and baseball. Throw a little of swimming and a lot of time with friends and there you go! He is finishing his last week of hockey camp. So far he has had lots of fun. Chris Vandevelde came for one day to teach them some skills. He is a NHL player right now. As well as Matt Cullen from the MN Wild and Brian Lee...superstars hailing from Moorhead. So it is pretty exciting. He broke his first stick at practice. His version is he was going for a puck and this kid came from behind and nailed him from behind and his stick went into his gut and the blade into the wall. He lost his breath and layed on the ice for some time. I know it was not quite that dramatic of a story (eye witnesses;) but he feels a bit tougher now.

He is growing so fast. He is getting tall and broad. We put our feet together the other night and he is only slightly smaller than I am! I can't keep him satisfied either. He is always hungry. I get it now why my mom seemed to get exasperated whenever we'd be hungry 10 minutes after a meal.

I just love him so much. He is sensitive and kind. A really cuddly kid. He is fun to joke with. I love watching him interact with Liv. It is so special. I know that he is even more in love because of what he experienced when his brother died. One thing Liv loves to do is after she gets dressed for the day she likes to show off her outfits to the kids. They always ohh and ahh for her. Just yesterday she has a dress on and a pair of sunglasses. He scooped her up and squeezed her and said "Liv you are so darn cute, I just want to eat you up!"
Grace is doing really good. We are working on the bathroom thing. Some days are better than others but she seems to be less defiant. We are hoping this resolves sooner rather than later. My goal for this to be resolved by the end of the summer. I am concerned about school next year and how this could effect her socially.

Grace is in golf lessons and she loves it. In the rest of her spare time she choreographs dances, sings, loves to go to the pool. She is becoming less of a quiet trouble maker, which is a huge relief:) The only thing I really need to look out for now is her getting into my make-up and hair stuff. Why is it that you can buy them their own stuff, but they still go for my more expensive version?

And Liv...well there is so much to say about her! Her personality is bubbling over at this point. She is still not saying much for understandable words but she is getting there. She can say da, da da (Holden, i think), mama, ouch, uh oh, off, ya, grandpa, hmmph.

The girl loves to dance but she is pretty particular in her choice of music. She is definitely more of a pop song/rap type of girl. She is almost always got her hands up in the air and bopping her head to the beat when she is in her car seat.

She is always looking for attention. She loves to make people laugh. She is especially good at lifting up her shirt and showing people her belly button.

She is a dare devil. She will climb anything and everything! Sitting in a cart at any store will not happen unless there is a very tasty treat to snack upon. We find the popcorn combo at Target to work well...for 15 minutes;) She enjoys taking off and running as fast as she can and pulling anything she can reach off the shelf. We were at Sams' Club the other day and she had a death grip on a barrel of cheese balls! She quickly ripped off the plastic seal...so we now are proud owners of a gigantic barrel of cheese balls. She definitely keeps me busy and utterly worn out by the end of the day. I can't wait until nap time...every.single.day! Then I get antsy for her to wake up so I can get those sleepy snuggles (once a week...b/c usually she is jumping up and down in her bed). Then about 15 minutes after she gets out of bed I wonder why I was so excited to chase her around and pull her off everything in her path! This will pass right???

I am so thankful to have my kids and their health!

Have a happy and safe 4th of July! We can't wait to hang with our family!!

10 years...

Ten years ago today, Cory and I were married and announced to all our guests by the priest..."And now I introduce you to Mr and Mrs Klinkert! Oops, I guess all that time we spent with the priest pre-wedding, he forgot to memorize our name. Or maybe it was payback for me for all of the disagreements we tended to get into in the planning and pre-marriage counseling sessions. "To honor and obey thy husband"...ahhh NO! Marriage is a two way street in my opinion and it has worked so far:)

We have had 10 great years so far. Of course we have had our learning experiences along the way, but it has only helped us understand each other better. Obviously, the biggest challenge thus far was grieving Beckett. THAT WAS HARD! I would sometimes have to bolt up to our closet and scream and sob into one of my sweatshirts. Not because he was doing anything bad, but because I may have been having a "silent moment of despair" and he was having a "moment of happiness" at the same time. It was trying and absolutely painful at times. It was ridiculously hard to not get mad at him and vice versa. It was hard to understand, connect, be empathetic, and forgiving.

However, we overcame all that with the support and help from lots of great people. Our love and admiration for one another shined through too. We are a much stronger and united couple since that tragedy.

That first week of fumbling through Beck's death were some of the most tender moments we have ever shared together. Some of the most raw and unfiltered. We were the only two people who understood the gut wrenching, heart crushing pain. That pain and experience bound us so tightly.

There have been plenty of wonderfully fun and deliriously happy moments as well. Obviously the birth of our three living children rank up there in the top. As well as the trips we have taken together. And just everyday things...we are a good match. I am so happy that he is in my life. And I hope there are many more great years in front of us.

We had our long awaited appointment today for Grace. She was going to see a pediatric gastro. guy regarding her digestion issues. I wonder if it take 3 months to get in just because the Dr. is so animated in discussions and people want a giggle so they choose him? He literally showed me several ways in which she could be holding her poo with facial expressions to match!

We were going to rule out Hirschsprung's disease. I guess the good news is that she does not seem to have that. However, good news or not that would have been the quickest fix to her problem. It would have meant a surgery to remove part of colon. Does not sound "easy", but definately quicker.

The issue we are dealing with is withholding. The withholding is a result of a traumatic experience around the time of potty training, most likely. She has taught herself to do that in response to the urge to go poo. That has created a plethera of problems within her body.

He needed to do a little internal exam in that region, if you know what I mean, and she was not letting him do what he needed to do. He said her strength was impressive! He actually said it was unreal how strong and powerful she was. (Girlfriend has been working her glutes for 4 years!) He said she has a very serious case. She is more secure than Fort Knox. She is strong willed and physcially strong which combined...not easy to "fix".

When he was questioning me about what events were going on at the time of potty training, I got choked up, knowing the cause. It is the only logical explanation. We were training her so we'd only have one child in diapers. She was doing alright. We were getting there. And then our world got flipped upside down. Our baby that we talked about EVERY single day, the baby the kids talked to through my belly to EVERY night, the baby we so EAGERLY counted down to "birth day"...well that baby died. And a part of us died too.

I was a complete wreck of a mom to her. I cried all the time. My kids walked by me warily gauging my emotions. Is it a good time? Not a good time? She really needed me and I was not there for her the way she needed me to be. I just wasn't. I could not help it. I was utterly and totally devastated and sad beyond belief. And then 6 months later there was another baby on the way. We were happy, sad, nervous, anxious....the girl really must have been more lost than I was. Needless to say, I feel completely guilty and sick inside today. Our little girl was just trying to control something in an uncontrollable world.

And it has turned into this. Frustrated parents. A tarnished self esteem from everyone getting down on her. Embarrassment about everyone talking about her "issues". Teasing from peers. I can't even think of a single day that she gone through that she has not felt bad about herself for her bathroom issues. And it breaks my heart that there were plenty of times I could have been more understanding but I wasn't. I could have turned the other way and not lectured, but I did not.

I just feel so responsible for this whole mess. I feel like she really needed me and I let her down. She was so young when Beckett died...she could not understand and I could not control my despair and emptiness.

I told myself I could feel bad for all that has happened for just a short while today. Then, we need to gear up for a difficult 6 months to a year of helping her learn to not hold...and just let go:) I remind myself...she does not need surgery, she does not have cancer, she does not have serious medical conditions, she will not have to live with a bowel problem the rest of her life...this is treatable...this is fixable.

So, to all my readers that have contact with Grace...it is incredibly important that her "issues" are not discussed within ear shot of her hearing. No one can ask her how her "potty" is going. No one can pay her any attention even if you see her looking like she needs to use the restroom. She needs to figure this out on her own. Her body no longer knows what she needs to do and when. So we will be giving her high doses of laxative daily for 6 months to a year so there is absolutely no doubt in her mind of when she needs to visit the bathroom. Get your toilet brush ready Sher!! We are coming this weekend (LOL).

I guess it is off to Target to stock up on Miralax and undies:)!!!

We have had such a great weather the last week! We have spent many hours of the day working and playing in the sun. The gardens are all looking good. Beckett's garden is filling in great. I love to sit and look at it. I was not sure Beckett's tree was going to make it this year, I thought the same last year. It looked pretty dry and brittle...and then one day brilliant. It is kind of ironic. That is how I feel about Beckett's death and his absence in our lives. Often when I think about him I feel very alone, brittle, and depressed...and then something will happen and I will see all the riches his death has brought to our lives. Not to be mistaken that given a choice I'd much rather have him here with us, but since it has to be this way, I can see the goodness and the richness in everday things that I did not before. The tree is a great reminder to me of the beauty that can come out of a hopeless looking situation.

9 reasons I love you...

My boy Holden turns 9 today. I can't even believe it. Nine years he has graced this world with his presence. He is such a wonderful boy whom we are so proud of!

Holden...since you are 9 I thought I'd write 9 reasons that I love you.

1. You wear your heart on your sleeve.
2. You have always been such an old soul. I love that about you!
3. You are kind and thoughtful.
4. You are a very loving son.
5. You care about things bigger than yourself...like how other people are feeling and how we take care of our planet.
6. You are adventurous.
7. You are goofy.
8. You are honest.
9. Most of all I love you for all that you are and all that you will be!

We are looking forward to a busy but great day! It is a gorgeous day outside. Holden thinks that it was Beckett's gift to him. I think so too buddy:)

At this stage in Holden's life, he is very self conscious. He is reserved. He gets embarrassed easily. Therefore, pictures are very hard to come by, let alone good ones. So, here a couple of the best ones.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOLDEN! We love you so much:)

My momma means everything to me. She is such an inspiration in my life. I have so many fond memories growing up as a kid. She was always there to take care of me. She was always there to cheer me on. She was always there with a stern word when I'd get into trouble. Of course, there are always a few memories I'd like to forget. Mostly those times when I was a little snit. Snit is my sister's word...snot+shit=snit. Mom used to use the word schister...it is German for shit head I think. A little vocabulary lesson.

A few distinct situations come to mind. I don't know what I did on this particular day but I ended up running around trying to evade my mom who was chasing after me with a yard stick. I must have done something bad to get that reaction out of her. I swiftly (well that is how I remember it:) climbed up into our pine tree. I was high enough where she could not reach me. I her yelling at me to get down there. I stayed in the tree for quite a while. Was she nuts? Did she think I'd really come down there when she was yielding a yard stick? I never did get the stick, but I might have gotten dad when he got home from work.

I love my mom. She was there for me every step of the way. She always had advice but usually would only give it if I asked. 9.5 times out of 10 her advice is dead on. Sometimes when my sister and I are talking about a situation, we usually say, "What would mom do?" She has a good heart and knows how to use it.

She is always there to lend a helping hand too. She is great with all the grand kids and seems to know just about how to do everything. She is almost always one of the first people I call for anything. I know I could google just about anything and figure it out but I like to talk to her.

I am so fortunate to have a mom like her in my life. I want her there for all the big and small things. I desperately wish I lived closer to her so we could do more of those big and small things together. But I do know that we cherish the time we do get to spend together even more.

I just hope that I am half the mom she is and was to me. I want my kids to always feel loved no matter what. I never want to let them down. I never want them to feel like the are not important and cherished. There has never been a time that I can remember that I have ever felt that way in our relationship and believe me...I did not always make that easy.


I love you mom! You are the best...always have been. I SO wish I could be with all of you today. I hate it when I am the only one missing. Hopefully the weather is beautiful and you can all sit out on the deck and enjoy the beautiful lake! Miss you tremendously!


I wasn't always an easy child. Like mom says, "You were an angel as long as I did not say no to you!" I have a feeling I might have a couple of daughters who might follow in my footsteps. I could go on an on about my memories.


**For the record I tried to look up schister for the correct spelling...and schister does not seem to mean anything about sh&^...what were you calling me?

My special aunt Lulu needs some prayers. Her husband is entering hospice. Please pray that they both feel God's arms wrapped around them...life is not fair!

Life is not fair sometimes...that is why it is so important to revel in the small things. We have no control our future so let's live for each day. It is too darn hard to think of all the icky things that could and might happen...or did happen.

Yesterday was a beautiful day! The kids and I spend most of our time outside. Liv and I went for a walk in the morning and the little bugger stayed put in the stroller...content...WOW! When Grace got home from school she made a little spot for her and I on the driveway. I watched her drag out various items, curious as to how she was going to use all of them together and what for. She had to large blankets, 4 outdoor ride on toys, 2 pairs of sunglasses, hand sanitizer, a watch, and 2 pillows in her arsenal. I was prepared to enjoy some time eating my lunch without Liv demanding my attention (any parent knows this is the simplest pleasure). Grace came in the door beaming at what she had created. There was one blanket spread out onto the driveway with the 4 ride on toys anchoring each corner. Two pillows were lined up side by side. The second blanket was spread over the top of the first blanket. By our heads lay the hand sanitizer and watch. She created a spot for us to lay and watch the clouds together...then she was going to sing me a Mother's Day song she made up the night before. I gave up the idea of a long, quiet lunch and instead ate quickly and went to lay on the pavement with my little girl...sharing what we saw in the clouds. We definitely thought Beck was taking a ride on one. We laid there in the warm sun with a blanket covering us when the sun went under the clouds...never had a chance to use the hand sanitizer, but oh well!

It was a simple moment like that that I will remember forever. It was an amazing hour together.

Later that day, the girls and I were walking out of swimming lessons. Liv was holding Grace and my hand as we walked. Grace looked at me and said "Today is the best day of my life!" I responded, "Really? Why?" Grace replied, "Just walking...with Liv holding my hand." It is the simple things that mean the most...not all the stuff that clutter up life sometimes.

Happy Easter!

I was gently woken up this morning by a soft rub on my arm. I reluctantly opened one eye to peek at who was waking me from my deep slumber. There was the sweetest face looking at me with the hugest grin plastered on. Her eyes were dancing. In a whisper, "Happy Easter Mommy". Even though I saw the time, 6:37am, I could not help but listen intently to her telling me that the easter bunny was here! "That is great! How exciting! How about you come into bed between mommy and daddy for a bit?" (please, please, please)...."Ahhh, okay." I got a good 15 minutes more before we were woken by loud sighs...and the day began.

The littlest Klinnert really had no idea what was going on...and what is the point of finding these eggs?? Grace and Holden immediately went into egg finding mode like pros. They quickly left Liv behind. All she wanted to do was eat the jelly beans and m&m's anyway:)

We spent the afternoon with Grandma and Grandpa Spielman. The kids found some eggs, got to eat some delicious ham, and played outside...It was a very nice day.

When we got back home, we took an easter basket to Beckett. We each wrote a note to him and tucked them into plastic eggs. It was the first time to visit his grave since last fall. It felt good. When we approached we noticed to very large bunnies grazing in the "kids" section. Obviously bunnies are everywhere...but since there were two and they stuck around for a picture...I'd like to think it was Ann and Beckett.

We noticed a couple of new things at Beck's grave. I can not even tell you how much it means to me that someone takes the time to stop there and drop off a trinket. It just makes me so happy to know that others remember him too. I wish I'd know who brings things there...so I could thank them, but most are anonymous. There was a blue bear there with a note taped to his hand, but the type had been mostly washed away...so whoever you are thank you! There is also an angel perched on his stone. It is very sweet. Again, no idea who placed it there but thank you. The kids are just tickled about those types of things...who else would come here??

Part of me does wonder though if those items are just placed there by a random person...maybe someone who feels like he is forgotten because his spot is quite bare compared to the others there. That thought makes me feel a bit guilty because I do not place a lot of things there. I guess it is still a sore spot. It is not for lack of caring...far from it. It is just so sad for me to place items there...I can't put it into words. So, I am thankful for the people that do it for me.

Here are a few pictures from the day...I finally got a couple of Holden when he isn't covering his face or running from the camera. All it took was a little threat of taking away PS 3 for a week.

This is as good as it gets of all 3!

The sun was a little shiny.

The girls with Fernando.

Shades, my basket, and a stolen chocolate bunny.



Ann and Beckett:)




I love this picture...the kids reflecting at Beck'd grave.




And the accidental funny of the day!! LOL...Could you have placed those Elmo's any better Cory?



Happy Friday!

Hard to believe that just a few days ago we were outside in tee shirts feeling the warmth of the sun and loving it....to today...cold, snowy, rainy, sleety, cloudy. Oh well!

Here is a few random pictures from this week. Liv has come to love two things this week. 1. the cozy coupe and 2. having her snacks in a martini glass (plastic). She must be my daughter! HA!



One too many pieces of Life cereal!!



 

The girls and I embarked on a "girl's only" trip this weekend. We enjoyed a beautiful car ride to St. Michael. The sun was beating on us and it felt amazing. Well...in theory it felt amazing. We took daddy's car, which at the present time does not have AC. I could not get any type of air circulation so we suffered until we couldn't anymore and then let the windows down until we could not stand that anymore. Grace was whining telling me she was so hot she was sweating. Come to find out that was just Sprite she drizzled all over her head. She had a light bulb moment remembering her umbrella was in her backpack just for an emergency like this one. She popped the umbrella and used it as a sun shade. It worked great and no more complaining.

We got to Sherri's house and were greeted by her son Cole. I got the, "I thought this was a girls only weekend?" We spend the next half and hour playing outside on the swing set, exploring grass, walking the neighborhood and then all the way down to the pond they have in the neighborhood. Liv's little legs just kept going and going and going. It was BEAUTIFUL outside! Liv finally got a little tired on the trek back up the hill. So I picked her up and she nuzzled into the crook of my neck and just laid there...pooped! It was so sweet.

Then we got to go to Julia's for the real "girl weekend" (well it was like 24 hours, but Grace did not need to know all the details). Grandma Audrey was there too. We had lots of fun together. The girls played so well. The next day was some big girl alone time. We made a brief trip to Buffalo to pick up some coffee and visit some of the little boutiques. That is my favorite kind of shopping:)

Then it was time for the girls and I to head to Watkins for the rest of the weekend. Grace says "Is grandpa going to be there?" "Yes." "Then how is that a girls weekend?" I told her to "Put a wig on him!".

I needed to be back in Watkins for a gathering of friends with the Neisen family to come together and remember Kris. It was so good to see everyone again. He is certainly a very missed person in this world! It was great to look at photos and share stories. Of course, the gathering went into the Sunday morning hours. It was a lot of fun and a good break from parenthood.

Meanwhile, the boys were back in Moorhead...having a real "boy" weekend. Cory and Holden got to hang out all weekend together doing buy stuff like hockey games, video games, batting cages, more hockey games, dinner out, and a friend to come and hang (do the say a play date anymore at this age?:). Cory said Holden was loving it and wished....let me guess...that every weekend could be boy weekend....correct answer! Holden's only wish was that his little brother Beckett was with them. *tear*

Do you know how much that breaks my heart to hear? It feels like my heart is being squeezed in a vice and my breath taken away. I know how bad he wanted that brother. I can picture the two of them wrestling on the floor. I can see Holden teaching him hockey tricks out in the driveway. I can see Holden coming to me and begging me to keep him away from him and his friends because he is annoying them. It hurts to know that he was so close to having his brother he wanted so bad. It hurts to know he carries that feeling of loss and wishing things would been different too. I think back to the single family photo we have of the five of us together. The one that shows Cory, Holden and I looking at Beckett...trying to be brave...trying to act happy...trying to appreciate the moment...trying not to burst into tears and scream out all the pain that was swallowing us up inside...trying to take that one photo of all of us together knowing that we would NEVER have that moment again. And yes, it is that same pictures where Grace is looking right into the camera with her HUGE grin...happy to be next to our new baby. She had no idea.

Although there is a definite absence of a little boy in our life, we are so thankful for all that we do have. We are lucky and can't waste time feeling sorry for ourselves. We need to live each day being thankful that we have it.

Happy 20 year anniversary to my sister Sherri and her husand Bill!! 20 years...it is hard to believe it has been that long. I distinctly remember her wedding day. I remember being so proud she was my sister. I thought she was the most beautiful bride. It was a blast of a wedding. She might kill me for telling this story, but let me just preface it with...this is totally out of character for her! I remember being in the bathroom at the same time and she was blubbering about how much she loved me. I remember being a little confused and she seemed a little different (I am 10 years younger). Turns out she had a little too much drinky, drinky and had to be carried out at the end of the night over her grooms shoulder. He had a little trouble with his 100 pound bride in getting her into the car. She got a whopper on her head! TOO FUNNY:) So congrats to the two of you and making it 20 years! Enjoy your day on the beach in Florida! Cheers:)

Cheers to Conehead as well, it is his birthday today!

Yesterday finally felt like a spring day in Moorhead! We even noticed that we can now make it to Beckett's gravesite. It has been way to long a winter and it has been way to long since I have been able to visit where his body rests. I miss being able to go there. Soon enough all this snow will be gone and we can take our walks there.

Last night, Liv was just itching to get outside. She is going to be an outdoor girl! I took her outside for a little walk. She loved it! Her little legs were booking it. She squealed with delight and stopped a number of times to pick up a rock or touch a puddle. And then we came upon a large puddle of water. With no hesitation, she ran through it. She was grinning from ear to ear. I had to bring her in to get changed and she screamed the whole time.

We went out for round two with Grace and dad this time. Liv knew exactly where the puddle was and went for it once again. This time her sister joined her:) They were so cute sloshing through the water. It was another fight to get her to go inside and get dried off. Another child with a fiercely strong will! We got a few good shots of the fun.

I was not born with the natural gift of gab. I was painfully shy at certain points in my life. In environments where I feel comfortable, I can talk your ear off (just ask Cory~I don't think he appreciates this upon just opening his eyes). It has always been a bit of a struggle for me to form relationships because I get so anxious and never spit out the words I want. It is one thing I wish I could change about me. It can be inhibiting. It can be frustrating. I got pretty good at it when I was working as a case worker. Then I stopped working to raise our family and I regressed.

I don't really know why I am sharing this with the world because it is quite embarrassing. It seems so simple to just say "Hello, how are you?" In my mind, I know this. But, I get nervous and tongue tied at times. It is hard to explain. But, there was one woman I was introduced to through a friend recently. We made small talk. Then I'd see her here and there and did not strike up another conversation because...well, see above. I need to get over this stupid road block because I can miss out on some really great people.

Last week, I heard that she found out she had stage 4 breast cancer. Immediately, I just felt sick inside. She has a family with two small boys. It is not fair! I think of how heartbreaking it would be to look at your babies and think all those thoughts you know you would. One day everything is great...the next day can be a life changer.

I have not been able to stop thinking about her or her family. I pray for her. I pray for them. I ask you to join me. I found her blog and let me warn you...grab a box of Kleenex. She is an amazing writer. You feel like you are in the room with her. Hopefully she won't mind that I linked to her blog but I think she'd appreciate the extra prayers and support. You will be inspired by her spirit. You will wish you knew her. In addition, on the right hand side of the blog, you can click to purchase a bracelet made of hockey laces. The proceeds go to the family. I put my order in today and I hope you do to!

http://thewestraworld.blogspot.com/

Grace is getting better! Yeah. But of course, since my husband was on a mancation this weekend, Grace had to start having trouble breathing...which lead to a phone call to ask a nurse...which lead to an ER visit on a Friday night. Thanks to Keith for staying with Liv while I took Grace in. And of course once we got taken back to the room, Grace's breathing started to improve. The Dr. thinks she was having some kind of pulmonary spasm. Once she had a nebulizer treatment, she was feeling a ton better. We got out of there by 10:30pm. I was a little concerned for our safety. The ER was crawling with people. I wanted to make a bubble around us to ward off all the infectious bugs that had to be swirling in there! When we got outside I looked like a lunatic looking around us, keeping Grace tight to me...just waiting for someone to approach us. I have a bit of a wild imagination at times.

We had another appointment to day for Grace. Her lungs sound good now:) But momma sure did not feel good when the Dr. asked me if I was pregnant!!! I worked out today too! I looked down to my stomach...it was not even protruding!! I once asked someone if they were pregnant when they were not, so I guess it is coming back to bite me. Believe me...I have NEVER asked someone that question again!

Already thinking way too much about the Dr.'s question, Grace decides to tell me my fortune. She comes down with a sequined scarf wrapped around her head. She looks at my hands and then says, "Yep, you will be a grandma when I am 19!" So I am looking pregnant and just learned one of my children will have a baby awfully young;) Lots to think about:)

YIPPEE! Grace has pnuemonia too! That nasty bug has hit and taken down Cory, Liv, Grace, Sherri, Cole, and Ella. Who is next???

If you can not handle vomit stories then discontinue reading!

Poor Gracie girl was laying in bed all day yesterday. She only ate a few small things. We let her camp out in our room last night (much to her brother's dismay). I am so glad we did bcause she started vommiting as well! UGH. She moaned and wimpered in her sleep most of the night. Then before sunrise she had another bout of vommiting. Poor thing! She was so miserable this morning. She was buring up with a fever and could hardly move. She is one tough cookie to take out but she was knocked on her butt this morning. Luckily I was able to nab an early doctor appointment. Poor thing was crying because it was so hard for her to walk.

The chest x-rays confirmed the pnuemonia. It settled right into her right lung, but her oxygen levels were good...so that was great news. I made a quick run in to the store to get her medicine and Gatorade. I always thought water was just fine but this doctor wanted her to have some sugar/salt drinks. It was Grace's lucky day. She did not even have to settle for G2!! Her eyes were as big as saucers when she saw that I bought her a "big" jug! She got about 2 sips in before he tummy was going to spit it back up. Just as we got to the front door and explosive array of purple, green and yellow was nicely displayed on our front stoop. Liv was shell shocked. She had no idea what the heck was going on. Once Grace got composed, we got the giggles about the rainbow of colors she so nicely shot out. I went out shortly to go clean it up, only to find it completely frozen! LOL. So watch your step if you stop by...not much I can do:)

I hate to see my little girl so sick and lifeless. But, now I definately know that the reason I can not keep the house neat and clean is because of Grace. I always had a hunch she was the culprit. Now I know. Now that she is kept to one room the mess is contained:)

Here's to hoping Holden and I escape this nasty little mycroplasm that has infected Sher's family and mine!

As a stay at home mom, we need lots of activities to keep busy and away from the television. This usually includes an art project or 10 per day. I try to let them use all the things I despise cleaning up. Glitter, glue, and paint hitting the top of the list. Generally, it takes a lot of persuasion and many promises that they will clean it all up themselves (yeah, that always happens). I tend to eventually let them do it. They seems so darn sincere! So I tend to let them foster their artistic abilities in a variety of ways. Am I annoyed that our new kitchen set has permanent paint stains on the leather? YES. Am I annoyed that there is permanent glitter on my kitchen floor? YES. Am I still disgusted by the paint that is never coming off our driveway and outdoor steps despite my best efforts and the power washer? YES. Am I annoyed that the door to door salesman that tried to sell me a $60 bottle of cleaning product was able to scrub off a strip of that paint in a matter of seconds but I refused to buy a cleaner that expensive? YES. I guess I only have myself to blame.

Here is where I draw the line...lip gloss slathered all over the really ugly mirrored closet doors in the girls room! There were plenty of lip imprints as well. I can just see Grace smooching herself in the mirror over and over again! She thought it was ART! She thought it was a GOOD DECORATION! Naturally with entire tubes of lip gloss emptied, there had to be some on the carpeting too. A nice ruby red color. After about an entire roll of paper towels, I still was getting a glitter and pink tinted residue. Thank goodness my first round of dish soap lifted most of the stains from the carpet.

Everyday it is some kind of mess. Every. Single. Day. I often wonder if this will change once she is in school full time. She keeps me on my toes. She is one in a million. It is funny. A lot of the time her "messes" frustrate me, but on days like today when she has been laying in bed all day because she is sick...I actually miss her antics:) Oh wait, I brought her a go-gurt to have in bed. I later went up to check on her and I found a bunch of dixie cups filled with yogurt. I guess even having a fever can't stop her from making some kind of mess:)

I have been honest about my anger and resentment towards God for taking Beckett from us...way too soon. In that first year, I had many awful thoughts run through my mind. Thoughts that made me unsure of how I would or could continue a relationship with God. I did not trust Him. I did not feel much love for Him. I felt guilty for having those feelings. I'd have to remind myself of what my sister told me. God will still love you through your temper tantrums. Just like a parent has that unconditional love for their child...even if they make some bad decisions.

I have worked through my anger on my own. I had come to a place of contentment. I do still have flare ups from time to time, but mostly I have let that anger go.

This weekend our pastor spoke on grief and how one can live through it. Anyone that knows our pastor knows what a wonderful speaker he is. He is so real. He does not seem to pretend or sugar coat. He seems so vulnerable and he shares that. I think that is why so many people respect and admire him. Their family has experienced more tragedy than a typical one. So when they talk about grief you tend to listen and hang on their words.

They lost a baby girl to SIDS when she was just 6 months old. We share a connection in that sense. I know it was difficult for the both of them to help us bury our baby. So, I guess what I am trying to say is that I respect them and I listen to them...because if they can carry on and trust in God then I most certainly can.

One part of the sermon stuck out in particular to me. He said that he could not understand why God took their Katie from them. And then he said something that really resonates with me...helps me in a new way...God did not take Katie from them. Death took Katie from them. God was there to save Katie from death. I had an Oprah moment. An "Aha moment". I feel like I was meant to be there to hear those words.

We have had a week so far!

Monday morning Liv and Cory were so sick we made a trip to the walk-in. Both were sent on their way with a "virus" that needed to works its course. Monday was Grace's birthday so she was a little disappointed that the sickness was raining on her parade. We had plans to go to Chuck-E-Cheese (ick). However, both Liv and Cory were in no condition. I had to put my negotiating skills to use. I suggested a picnic at home and that we'd all go out to a restaurant together when everyone was feeling better. But, that was not what she wanted (she dislikes a change in plans). She for sure wanted Liv to be there on her birthday. This conversation was going no where fast. She ended up running upstairs in tears to my bedroom and locking the door. I talked her into opening the door for me, only to have her lock herself in the closet in a stand off. "I am not coming out until you say daddy can come to the restaurant!" I felt horrible. She was so sad that her birthday did not go as planned. Eventually, we got her to come out but it took some promises to be made. We got it worked out that I would pick up Qdoba and later on in the week when everyone is feeling better she could invite a friend with us to Chuck-E-Cheese. Whew!! Once that was settled it was all smiles again (until she has been told each night since...still not ready to leave the house:().

Liv had trouble getting to sleep that night (understatement). She was not comfortable. Finally, around 11p, I gave in and brought her to our bed and gave her some Tylenol. She maybe slept for a half hour. The rest was moaning, whining, and thrashing while her eyes were closed. Around 12:30 am, I had to get her out of our room. Cory was sick and needed sleep. There was NOTHING I could do to calm her. She was miserable. She cried and cried, while pathetically resting with her head on my shoulder. About 2am I called ask a nurse. They told me to take her to the ER right away. Ugh...really? I waffled for a while and around 2:30a...I decided to take her in.

She was taken back right away and examined. After another hour of her crying and thrashing around the doctor came in and said she had pneumonia. I was relieved there was a quick answer to what was causing her all this pain. After getting a couple of injections of antibiotics and watching her for reaction, I had a completely exhausted baby girl who could barely keep her eyes open. We got home around 5am. She was so exhausted and sick. I laid down with her for  couple hours of shut eye before getting kids ready for school.

Liv woke up not a happy camper. She was so sick and tired. I told the kids what happened in the middle of the night. Of course, after that they announced they both had headaches and stomach aches...ugh. I was not really in the mood to drill them and reluctantly let them stay home. Meanwhile, Cory was going to head to the cities for a presentation he had to give. He really was in no condition to go anywhere. So I was going on maybe 2 hours total of sleep (have not done that for years!) taking care of one really sick kid and two that were clearly not sick enough to stay home. One was completely fibbing! It was a LONG, LONG day.

Now it is Thursday and Liv has turned a corner. She slept a full night last night. She was not crying when she woke up. She seemed in good spirits. Lots of smiles and even some teasing. Thank goodness! It is so hard to watch your little ones so ill. You are completely helpless. I kept thinking I'd walk into her room and find her unconscious and not breathing. That is something that haunts me since Beckett has died. I can really dream up horrible scenarios and I get so worked up.

Hopefully, things will get back to normal. So far the other kids and I have been healthy through all of this. I hope we have avoided it! The kids and I are supposed to spend spring break next week in St. Michael and Watkins. Not very tropical but we get our lodging and food for free:)

Unfortunately, due to all the illness and missed days of work, we are not able to take Holden to the state hockey tourney tonight:( Our hs team plays tonight at 8pm. He is settling for late night appetizers while watching on tv. Hopefully they win and we can make it to Friday nights game. GO SPUDS!

Happy Birthday to my sweet Girl Grace!

Grace turned 6 years old today! It is a pretty exciting day. Yesterday she had some friends from school join her at a gymnastics gym for some fun play time. It was a fun group of girls. They were all so sweet and kind. Grandma Karen had to help me out because Cory had to be at Holden's last hockey game for the season. An unfortunate scheduling, but it went just fine with Karen's help. The girls had a lot of fun!

When I woke this morning to get the kids up, Grace was not in her bed. I peered downstairs and could see the glow of the television. Liv and I walked down and started singing Happy Birthday. Grace stopped me right away. She said, "MOM, you forgot to put a pull up on me last night!" I apologized and asked if her bed was all wet. "NOPE, dry. It was all dry! I got up and went potty in the morning." She had the most proud look on her face. She giggled and said "It must be because I turned 6! In the process of telling me, she took of her pj bottoms and undies (quicker than I have ever seen her move) just to prove it to me. It was a wonderful accomplishment! She has never had that happen since she was 3. Hopefully this is the start of something good. It would be wonderful not to have to buy pull-ups anymore!

She is so happy today. I loved watching her get off the bus and run up the driveway with her birthday crown on! So cute:)

The only bummer is that daddy is down sick. He woke up sick on Sunday morning and really has not gotten out of bed since. I took both Liv and him to the walk-in today. I was nervous Cory had influenza A. He was negative for all of that and probably has a virus that needs to run its course. Liv checked out fine too. She is sick too. She was so pathetic this morning especially. She just whined and moaned. She is on day 5 of her illness. Hopefully she will turn around soon. It is so sad to watch tiny ones cough and have a tough time breathing. Toodles has not been sleeping well either, but that did lead to a couple hours of her sleeping by my side, her tiny had wrapped around my neck. I love to feel her sweet breath hit my cheek.

So...with Cory down and out...that may leave me to take the kids to Chuck E Cheese for Grace's birthday!! UGH. Number 1...ick, it is Chuck E Cheese. Number 2...food is not too tasty. Number 3...I get all anxious just walking into the place, it is like I can see all the germs crawling on every surface! I am really trying to sway her into a fun picnic on the living room floor. So far she is not buying it!

Her favorite birthday cake...chocolate doughnuts!

From the moment the ultrasound lady slowly and carefully closed her laptop after performing an ultrasound on Beckett...I knew our baby was dead. Our hearts and minds were a flurry of fear and the most intense anxiety I have ever felt. It was only a minute later when what we knew was confirmed with those awful words. "I am so sorry. There is no longer a heartbeat." From that moment it was a flurry. It is amazing how when you are in this position a million questions are thrown your way and you have to answer them all. BUT, you simply are not there in your mind. You are shut down. You are utterly devastated. Thank goodness for everyone who rallied around and helped us answer the questions and try to make decisions.

We were surrounded by so much love. And sometimes, there are people you don't even know that end up being so memorable. One of those people was Nick Tunheim. He was the person from the funeral home that took care of our little boy. He was wonderful. He was so calm and reassuring. I trusted him completely...without even knowing him. I remember when he came to our home for the final arrangements. He came here because we could not go there. I distinctly remember him asking me how I wanted Beckett to arrive at the cemetary. I remember him offering to drive him in his car so we would not scare our other kids with a hearse. I remember asking "You would do that?" He was so authentic, genuine and  empathetic. He was a perfect match for our family.

Today, I was checking in on the rialeephotography blog. There was a story of family who was traveling back from Ethiopia with their adopted daughter. Ria was there to capture the momentous occasion. I was crying from the very first picture. Towards the end of the phots there was a picture of the whole family. I recognized the father immediately. He was the gentleman from the funeral home that took care of our baby. More tears. Now, I know why he was so special. He posted a link to their blog http://www.annandnick.com/.

I guess I needed a good cry because the tears just won't stop flowing.

We had a FUN weekend. The weather and the feeling that spring is on the way make it all that much sweeter. Saturday was Hockey Day MN and not being a hockey fan...I really did not get all the buzz. However, the event was pretty cool. Moorhead was the host city this year and Holden got to be a part of all the fun. He had the first game of the day. G'ma and G'pa came to cheer him on too! He volunteered to be the goalie (orange). He has some budding skills in that position. Here are some pictures.

After that we went to the Kiwanis pancake feed where there was a pleasant surprise for the kids. About a third of the Fargo Dome was dedicated to many bounce houses. Grace and Liv LOVED it!

The weather was so beautiful on Sunday. We got out to enjoy it. Liv LOVED being outside!! We walked around and around and around the triangle in front of our house. Holden was so tickled Liv was outside with him. He treated her like a little princess. Those two have a very special relationship. It just warms your heart to watch them together.

I love my family!

Cory and I are so lucky to have four little Valentines. They each bring so much to our lives in different ways.

Holden is such a calm and loving kid. He thinks of others. He is a old soul in an 8 year old body. When Holden was in preschool, his teachers always commented on what a kind hearted, old soul Holden was. He is wise beyond his years. He thinks on a different level and sometimes I am shocked at the things he says (in a very good way). Grace is loving and helpful. She does have some "listening" issues, but I know that she hears and notices everything. She is a pretty deep thinker herself. She is a handful but is never really bad. She loves to "color outside the lines". I personally am a rule follower, so it is difficult for me to let her go and be who she is sometimes. I have really learned to not care so much if she looks like a miss matched little girl.  I have learned to appreciate her sense of style and flair. For example, her hair today was a crazy mess, but she thought she looked beautiful. I let her go to school with that crazy hairdo even though I really wanted to "fix it". Liv is the sweetest little dolly baby. She makes us all laugh. She is funny, sweet, and a total goof ball. We are starting to think we have a 2nd Grace in the making (please HELP me). We all feel so lucky to have her in our lives. She has helped us all heal and enjoy the simple things. I squeeze her, kiss her, and tell her how much I love her easily a 100 times a day.

Our kids are a huge reason why we have been able to pick up and move on after loosing Beckett. They all have played an important role for getting us back on track. Certainly, we have our bad days or moments when it all feels not right in our world. Somehow...someway...they have a way of pulling us back and seeing what is before us, not behind us.

The girls and I picked Holden up from school on Friday. It was a beautiful sunshiny day. As we were driving home we were going past the cemetery. My heart felt lighter (literally). I told the kids it would not be long now until we got to go visit Beckett. Grace said she forgot about that. I could tell she felt bad for saying "forgot" so she tried to correct herself. Then Holden said something that was so profound to me. I think about what he said almost every hour since. He said, "Mom, it is hard to think of all the bad things that happen when there are so many happy things to think about." He is so right. We can't dwell on all the bad things because there are all these wonderful things to think about. Obviously Beck's death has had a major impact on our lives and if I let myself I could think about him all day long. I could sit and lay in bed curled up with his blanket. If I let myself do that I'd miss out all of the happiness that surrounds me. It is okay to think of happy things. Sometimes you want to dwell on the sad because it makes you feel closer to the person you lost. I have realized though, that when I focus on all the happiness...Beck is still there...he is a part of that happiness. Without him...we would never be in this wonderful place we are now.