The new year is not rolling in as wonderful as I had hoped it would. The morning started off wonderful. My children and I all snuggling on the couch. It was too early to fight...too early to say many words. I decided to try and make my mom's famous homemade bread today. The kids were very excited! Grandma's toast is pretty famous. It is even famous among friends of the kids. One time the kids were looking for a snack and Holden's friend said, "Hey do you have any of that grandma's toast?" Grace and I were just finishing up mixing the dough when I got a phone call from my mom. I thought she was just checking in on us to see how the bread was coming along. I could hear the frog in her throat...I asked if she was sick.

The pause and word "No" told me something was wrong.

She told me that her dearest friend in the world, the woman whose name is my middle name, my godmother, was dying. Through her tears she continued to explain that she only had about a week to live. She had leukemia and did not know it. The sickness she has had over the last month just took over her body and at the hospital they discovered the cancer.

My heart is breaking today for my mom...for Ann's family...and for all of those whose life she was a part of.

She was a good woman. She was a large part of our family's life. Ann and mom together would make us laugh! They were hilarious together.

She is mom's best friend. She has been for 48 years!!! WOW. Their friendship spans for so long. How do you say goodbye to someone who means the world to you? How do you ever fill that hole? I don't know all of mom and Ann's secrets but I do know that they had a beautiful friendship. I know of all the trips they took annually together, their scrabble wars, their long talks, their bottles of wine shared, their sleepovers we used to tease them about. I know my mom cherished her and relished their time together. One of mom's biggest excitements about moving to the farm was that her and Ann would only be 5 minutes apart. They did everything together. I am so sad that their earthly friendship is coming to an end. I know my mom's world will be changed forever. I know she will feel that horrendous sadness and aching to call her friend to share stories. It truly is devastating.

Thank goodness my mom and dad were able to get a flight out tomorrow. I just pray that they make it in time to be with her. I pray that all her children will make it in time to be with her as well. Please join me in my prayers that the goodbye, although terribly sad, will be a good one.

I love you Annabell!! From Holly Dolly (as she called me)...

In her famous words on every note and card....peace, love and prayers!!

Liv has really taken a liking the the photo of Beckett we keep displayed on a shelf in the kitchen. Lately, she has been pointing to him every morning. I will take the picture down and she will hold it and giggle. She will grin her biggest grin and scrunch her eyes. She gave him some moochies too. I always tell her who he is and she will just giggle. It is so sweet. She may do the same for any other baby picture out there, but I'd like to think there is a special connection there.

This is our 3rd Christmas without our little guy. How can it possibly be that long? I remember how miserable that 1st Christmas was. I really don't remember much of it. I do remember my sister standing up and giving a little tribute to Beckett, tears in everyone's eyes. I remember not being able to look at anyone. I remember my mom making special angel oranaments that year for him. I remember just wanting to disappear. I remember that saddness in my heart. I remember missing him so fiercely. I remember staring out the window Christmas Eve and just longing to be close to my baby.

I long to be close to him always. The pictures just are not enough. I want to hold him. I want to squeeze him. I want to smell him. I want to know him.

I saw this somewhere. I do not know the author. It is fitting for this time of year for all those who are missing someone dear to them.

I'm Spending Christmas With Jesus This Year



I see the countless trees around the world below


With tiny lights like Heaven's stars reflecting on the snow


The sight is so spectacular, please wipe away that tear,


For I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.




I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear


But they can't compare with the Christmas choir up here


I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring


For it's beyond description to hear the angels sing


I know how much you miss me,


I see the pain inside your heart


But I'm not so far away, we really aren't apart.




Please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do


For I can't count the blessings of love He has for you


I can't tell you of the splendor, nor the peace in this place


Can you imagine Christmas with our Savior face to face?




I'll ask Him to light your spirit as I tell him of your love


Then pray for one another as you lift your eyes above.


So, please let your hearts be joyful, and let your spirit sing


For I'm spending Christmas in Heaven,


and I'm walking with the King!

The Klinnert family (much like everyone else's family) has been incredibly busy. I do appreciate the hustle and bustle. It keeps me focusing on the future. Today as I was driving home from a quick errand...it hit me. Beckett is missing from all these wonderful times with us and his family. I think about our little boy all the time. But, most of the time it is just thoughts...remembering him. And then there are the times that my heart feels like it is in a vice. I feel like my breath is taken away. Today was one of those times.

I'd love to be out buying him gifts. I don't want to be just remembering him. I want him here to hold. I want him here to destroy the Christmas tree. I want to hang a stocking for him and I want him to be point out which one is his.

Some times I get sick of staying strong, holding in my feelings, sick of having to move on, sick of not having him here as he should be, sick of only having memories, sick of missing him, sick of being thankful for what I have...it is tough work. Some days are harder than others.

The day has arrived! Liv is officially 1 year old. I don't know who is the most excited in this family. The kids are so absolutely adorable about this day. They are so thrilled for her. They are a little miffed that a few things are on the calendar for today. This day should be reserved for everything Liv:)

I can't even describe the joy that is in my heart today. I have so many beautiful emotions that I am feeling. I remember the day she was born very clearly. I remember the tremendous load of grief and fear that seemed to be lifted the moment I heard that beautiful baby scream. I remember being completely overwhelmed...in disbelief...relief...and then just an outpouring of pure love. I remember her being put into my arms. Every little movement and sound seemed like a wondrous moment. Those were some of the best hours of my life. All my kids births were tremendously special, but after the tragedy of loosing Beckett...this day was just that much more meaningful. Not because she means more to me than my other kids but because I had a new appreciation for life. What a beautiful gift Beckett left us with. The gift to know such pain so tremendous and agonizing...to then only experiencing the high of life. It was a great day. A tremendous day. A glorious day...indeed.

How wonderful that she is here so that we are able to celebrate her milestone of reaching 1 year old! It is amazing. She brought such joy and laughter to this house. She delights us all, as well as, her extended family. She has such a lovely spirit. We are so lucky to have her.

Liv had two parties. We celebrated with the Oster family over Thanksgiving. Her aunt Mandie made her a very cute Elmo cake. She hated the party hats (of course). She did love the cake. She really had no idea what to think of this chunk of red food placed before her, but eventually she figured it out.

Then there was a gathering with the Spielman's. Another homemade cake for her to devour. And another round of presents to open. She likes to rip off a chunk of paper and then hand it to someone. The process can be very slow and more than one thing to open a little overwhelming. She got a pair of squeaker shoes from G'ma and G'pa...super cute and fun! She still does not have it figured out that whenever she takes a step she squeaks. Photos are not cooperating at this time.

What a wonderful day!

Raise your hand if you are excited for Liv's birthday? ME! ME!

I can't believe our baby girl is going to be turning one! I think back to about this very time last year and how I was so desperately struggling to keep myself sane. No kidding. I went in for the amnio and the results not good. The second amnio a week later...not good. It was an incredibly low time for me. I was sick with fear. My anxiety level had reached an all time high (obviously I looked the part too because my doctor was a little concerned about my mental health). Well, I am not mental this year! This year my heart wants to leap out of my chest. I am bursting with gratitude and love for my baby girl. I feel like we are approaching a huge milestone that I was never sure would come. It is exciting. It feels wonderful.

Liv has really been showing a lot of personality. She is so darn cute...I can't get enough. I will notice her naked toes when she is sitting in her high chair and I must nibble on them. When she flashes her smile I need to squeeze her. When she starts flapping her wings in excitement, I need to scoop her up and plant kisses on her. I am just so in love with this little human being.

She is a stinker...into EVERYTHING. If there is a cupboard, she opens it. If there is a bin of toys or laundry, she will thrown each item out one by one. If something resembles food on the floor, it is in her mouth in a flash. If she is quarantined to a space, she will protest. If there is a magazine, she will rip it. If there is a toilet near by she will try and swish her hands in the water. If there is a garbage, she needs to look inside. If there is a computer, she needs to try and rip they keys off the board (I am currently missing my Y, arrow key, and enter button). If there is a baby in eye sight, she must be next too him/her. Loosing Beckett, has given me the patience to take everything in stride. If I start getting a little frustrated, I always stop and think about Beckett and what I would not give to have him here and everything seems so trivial. What a wonderful gift from our little guy.

Really? Really...

Three weeks ago, one of my dearest friends, Donna...lost her brother. It was not a sudden death, but rather a journey that their whole family was a part of. They had a couple of weeks together surrounding him at his bedside. A truly remarkable story and one that will tug at your heart. He died with dignity and surrounded by his family...hearing the story (not being there), I would assume the feeling of love and admiration for him was palpable in that room for those couple of weeks. What an amazing story of love, friendship, and a family's unwavering love.

Today, I got a call from Donna. I was surprised to see her name on my caller ID at this time of the day...it was unusual for a weekday. Within the first few words of our conversation, I knew something was not right. I could hear the pain in her voice immediately. She was calling to let me know her dad died. Immediately, my heart sunk as I listened to her tell me what had happened. It was an unexpected death. And just 3 weeks after they buried their beloved brother and son. Seriously?! Really?!

Dear God,
Isn't this just a little bit too much to ask of one family? To just begin to grieve the loss of their brother and son...and then to have to start this whole process over again to say good bye to their father and husband? I don't get it. I don't understand. It seems so cruel. It just isn't fair. No one understands the reasons...but please wrap your arms around them as they try to understand and make peace in their hearts of all this loss and sadness. May he be peaceful and blissfully happy...in heaven.

Amen

Please keep this family in your thoughts and prayers. This will take an enormous amount of strength to get through...

Dad's are pretty special people. They are a little girls first love. They seem invincible...powerful...strong. My dad was always a bit mysterious. Emotionally tough...that is what I remember anyway. I always knew my dad loved me...even if he had a tough time showing it sometimes. I have lots of fond memories of my dad. Here are just a few...getting to take the staples out of the bottom of his work boots after he got home. He put his feet up in the recliner and we'd get a screwdriver and pry them out. Sometimes he'd let us take off his boots too (but we had to be careful not to tickle his feet). He took us out of the boat all the time to fish. After we were done fishing he'd make huge waves and we imagined we were driving over whales. I remember catching crayfish and having huge feasts. I remember the special gifts he'd go buy us for our birthdays. He usually put them in huge windshield boxes. I remember all the trips up north to the cabin. He would buy us liquorice, boston baked beans, burnt peanuts. I remember the years spent building our house at the lake. He built it himself. He knew I really loved this little pick-up. He fixed it all up for me to have in high school. I loved my little white Chevy Luv pickup (4 speed on the floor:). He was always there when I needed him. He still is always there for me and my family. Now we are making a host of new memories and I am eternally grateful!! Because Donna doesn't get to say all these things to her dad anymore...I love you dad! Thank you for being the greatest dad in the world!

I have an opinion to share today. It was prompted by a heart wrenching story I read in our local paper today. A sixteen year old girl took her life Thursday morning. She appears she may have been bullied by classmates through texting and facebook. I am so sick of hearing these stories of these beautiful kids taking their own life! No one knows all the information in these situations, but what one can conclude is that it is so senseless. Why do kids feel the need to tirelessly pursue others and torment them? We definitely had the kids that were "picked" on in school and I am sure they felt miserable, but at least there was no texting or FB to continue the tormenting when they got to the safety of their home. There is no shut off for some of these kids.

I was teased until I was in the 4th grade about my weight. I was fat. I knew I was fat. I distinctly remember wanting specific jeans but I could not fit into the "cool" jeans. My mom made me buy Hunt Club brand at JCPenney's because they had "husky" sizes. I cried and cried. I did not want those jeans! I wanted to fit it and be cool. I remember being at a friends house and we were all getting hungry. I was told I could only have dried mustard and water because I was too fat. The gave me a water bottle and put the dried mustard on the straw part. It was mortifying.

I remember going to the bathroom one time and sitting there and looking down at my "fat rolls". I think I probably had up to seven or eight. It was then I distinctly remember wanting to get a knife and just cut those fat rolls off. They were out of control. 

I can't say that I did anything to prevent the rolls...there is actual video footage of my chubby self walking down to the lake with a cookie in each hand, one piece suit on, the sounds of my heavy feet walking onto the dock and beautifully posing in front of the video camera shoving the cookies in my face in a dramatic way! I guess I owned it:)

One pivotal moment happened when I was in the fourth grade. It was after school and I was standing on the 1st floor of St. Anthony's near the bathroom on the east side of the building. I was looking at the magazines on a rack in the hallway. I had on frosted blue jeans. My hair was mulletish. Mrs. Salzl came up to me and tapped me on the shoulder. "Holly you are really starting to thin out!" And that is all it took to help me gain some confidence. One kind word. I am not saying all my issues stopped there because they did not (I still struggle with my body image), but obviously it meant a lot and went a long way. It was a HUGE (no pun intended) turn around for me.

I know that my story is tame and mellow compared to many. I know that my story is a really common one. The point is that I know teasing can hurt and stick with you. I know that life for many teens and grade schoolers is far more difficult to maneuver through in 2010. There are so many avenues to be degraded and dehumanized...and it can be done so easily and anonymously. It is not fair. It is not right.

I was not a perfect student or friend all the time growing up. I may even have left a mark on someone I don't even realize. BUT, you can be sure that I talk to my kids almost daily about the importance of accepting kids that are different or seem "weird". I always tell them to be kind and treat people the way you want to be treated. I give them examples of how their feelings have been hurt and using that as a way to demonstrate how they can make others feel by their actions. Does anyone really want to sit by the kids who picks his nose and does unmentionable things with his mucus? NO, but you have a choice in how you react. Do you really want to pick one of the worst players to be on your kickball team? NO, but you could throw them a bone once in a while or cheer them on when it is there turn so they gain some confidence.

I know my kids are not perfect, nor am I, but I hope the talks help them make good choices (even if it is not popular). I hope they hear that voice in their head.

Holden was telling me that a teacher came up to him and his friend and thanked them for sitting by a kid without her asking them to. He wondered why she would say that to them. I gave him my two cents and told him I was proud. He told me that this kid is a "little weird" but he likes them. I told him he may not have many friends so he is not sure how to act around other kids but to give him a chance. He told me that this kids said some "weird" things and Holden was pretty sure he was talking about things happening in his imagination, but he said him and his other friend just listened and nodded their head. I was so proud in that moment hearing him talk so sincerely.

This morning he told me that he was a captain to pick teams yesterday and there were 10 kids left and he still picked this kid even though some others were better. I guess he threw caution to the wind and picked another unlikely gal. I guess the other captain also chose an unlikely person as well after that. I was and am SO proud of him. He did the unpopular thing and went with his heart...and someone else followed. Interesting how one act can cause a ripple effect.

Maybe if there was just one or two people who would have stood up for this 16 year old girl to stop the bullying she'd be here today. I hope everyone starts taking bullying seriously (victim or not) and takes some action!

First off, congrats to my cousin and her family who welcomed a healthy little girl to their family this weekend. I just LOVE hearing news like that!!

So, Halloween was a little interesting. We discovered Liv was "not a fan" of costumes. Halloween was not too exciting for her, rather, a terrifying event. We managed to get some pictures of her in costume but she really hated it. She toughed out some trick or treating, but was happy to be home! Here are a few pictures of the kids.

Holden is the skeleton and Grace is the cat. The other kids are neighborhood friends.



Holden, Grace, &v Liv (she wants nothing to do with this)!

Another big event on Sunday was Reformation Sunday. Holden received his first Bible at church. He was so excited to get it. We had to take classes on how to use it before he could receive it. He is already on Chapter 3. He says he is going to read the whole thing. I don't want to tell him that Grace has already read through 3/4 of our Bible!! Go figure she is a speed reader...



This is our pastor and her son. He was showing Holden the Bible he got.

In other big family news....drum roll...Grace lost her first tooth!! Very exciting for her. She woke up Friday and ran in to tell me her tooth was missing. We went to search the bed and surrounding area. No luck! I noticed a white speck in her hair and thank goodness it was her tooth. She wants the world to know!



And now you do! Wish I looked that cute making a face like that:)



On Monday, thanks to a great friend who volunteered to watch the girls, I listened to Natalie Holloway's mom speak on hope. It was powerful to be in the same room with someone who has gone and continues to through some tough stuff. Well, tough, is an understatement. Her words were ones I could take home because I know that anyone who had lived through a horror such as hers, is someone to listen to. She spoke about making a conscious choice everyday to make it a good day. That is so true. Even though your heart feels empty and the pain and anger creep up...you need to make a choice to make it a good day. Keeping things in perspective is a difficult task some days more than others.

Words are often difficult to live by, especially when you've been knocked down a time or two (or too many to count). It is something I try to do each day. Some days are more successful than others, but the human spirit is amazing. Beth's spirit in the aftermath of her daughters hideous death is something to be inspired by! I am so glad I was able to be there. And to my other friend...thanks for the ticket!

As I posted earlier in the month, a beloved friend of mine died. I was able to attend his wake and funeral which was such a beautiful tribute to him. He has so many friends in his life that loved him to pieces. That was very evident at his services. One can only hope to touch that many people in a short lifetime. Since his funeral, he has been in many of my dreams. He is either just sitting there with a smile or simply a part of what is going on. I find this so interesting. I think of him often...maybe that is the reason he is always there. However, I think of Beckett all of the time. I used to just sit and think of him before I dozed off hoping he would appear in my dreams that night. I can only think of 2 dreams that he was there and I am not even sure it was Beckett. Both were not peaceful dreams...I just find it interesting that I am having all these peaceful and fun dreams of Coney and for some reason dreams of Beckett just do not happen.

I have been doing some reading on the human spirit, specifically the spirits of babies...I just wonder if there is some connection and if the dreams and the spirit are somehow intertwined. The readings I have looked at say that the spirit is the same age of the person who died. Some say spirits age just like we do on earth. They mature over time...I just wonder if over time Beckett will appear more in my dreams as he gets older in his spirit life. I don't even know if I believe all of that business, but it makes me feel more connected to him. Mediums are really interesting to me. Maybe someday I will decide to go see one.

Please keep my friend and her family in your prayers as they had to say goodbye to a brother and son way too soon this week. There has been so much death and heartache lately. My heart just hurts because I know the pain that all the days and months and years that follow hold for them.

Goodbye to a great friend!

Today my heart is aching. It aches for a dear friend who has passed from this life and for his family who are left to grieve.

I was friends with this man for as long as I can remember. We became especially good friends in the 2nd grade. We loved to torment Mrs. Kaufman, but she loved it!! She always teased us that we were going to get married someday. I could go on and on about all the "adventures" we had together. We were a dynamic duo of sorts. I never felt the "eww...boy germs" with him. We were good friends simple as that!

We made a pact one day that we would get married if neither of us had found someone by the age of 30. We also had made plans to run the town bank because we were definately qualified and super smart at math!

He basically is associated with all my childhood memories. We shared many laughs, lots of trouble making, and he was the source of some unforgetable memories. He was the person you always wanted around because you'd always be laughing! I remember we were sitting around the campfire in high school and him trying to light his farts on fire. He would jump up and down to work one out and then let it fly as he would hold a lighter near his bum. It worked...and at least one time his pants started on fire.

We had a special friendship that was based on so much more than crazy antics. We had lots of heart to hearts. We connected on a lot of levels. I will miss him tremendously! Though the years after high school we had grown apart, he'd always have a huge hug when we'd see each other back home. I loved him.

Over Christmas 2008, I was home and a group of us got together. Cory was along for the fun (well we had WAY more fun). I remember I was so excited for Cory to meet him because he was such a huge part of my childhood. I am glad he got to meet him!

I could go on an on about the memories and the things I loved the most, but Liv is not cooperating:)

So to a dear friend...I love you...goodbye...may your soul be flying with the angels...give my little guy bump!!

A sign...

Today was a very difficult day. It was very sad and emotional. I knew it would be hard, but I honestly was not prepared to feel this way. After a day of grieving, your body and mind is exhausted. I have a headache the size of Texas, but hopefully the worst is behind me.

I write again to share how we honored Beck tonight and the special sign that was to follow. We went out for dinner and then headed to the cemetery to let our balloons go. When we got there we found some beautiful flowers and a teddy bear with balloons attached to his arm. Thanks guys!!! We sang happy birthday to our little guy and let the balloons soar. We lingered for a while, watching Holden and Grace run around. We said, "Let's go guys, come on!" We did one group hug and started to disperse.

That is when we got our sign. There was a little lady bug crawling up Grace's leg!! We could not believe it.

Those that have followed our story, you know why this is significant. For any new followers...the day of the graveside service Grace took off and squealed loudly at the service, "A legobug! A legobug!" She took off and was attending to the legobugs. It brought laughter to everyone there. It was a break in the utter sadness we were all feeling. So, the ladybug has been special to us.

It was the perfect ending to a not so perfect day:)

2 Year Angelversary for Beckett...

No one has seen this video put together by Rialeephotography. It has only been seen by a few family members and ourselves. I have only watched it a couple of times. It is incredibly painful to watch. I wish I had been able to include more "before" pictures but it was done while I was in the hospital and I had no idea where to tell people to look. I tried putting a video together myself (I actually promised that) but my scanner stopped working and I couldn't load them on my computer. I wanted to share this with all of you today...so many people have invested in our story...I wanted to share a little more.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s0st7JR7oU8

Today we will release balloons to the heavens for our little guy. We plan to have some cupcakes in honor of his birthday as well. THANK YOU ALL for remembering him with us today and each time you think of him! He is one loved little boy. I sure hope they are celebrating him in heaven today!

I got to spend 24 hours away from home to scrapbook with a few friends this weekend. What a great way to busy my mind with fun stuff. Not to mention, we were on a lake with all the leaves turning brilliant colors. It was SO beautiful! Peaceful.

When I got home, the kids and I decided to go out and play in the leaves. Of course, Holden complained the minute I brought out the camera. I told him someday you will want pictures of yourself. Your future kids will want to see what you looked like. I told him it made me sad that I have no pictures to scrap of him because he always looks away from the camera. I guess those were magical words and I got a few photos of him, but he was still self conscious:) My children are the great loves of my life. Here are a few photos of our time together.

Liv loved the leaves!! The kids were hilarious in their goggles to keep leaves out of their eyes.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Tomorrow is October 4th. Two years ago, on that day, we finally got to hold the little baby we longed to meet. Two years ago, on that same day, we had to say goodbye to a little angel. It was the hardest day of my life. I will never overcome the trauma of that day. I will never forget that crushing pain in my chest. I will never forget the endless tears that rolled down my cheeks. I will never forget the emptiness I felt when they walked him out of our room. I didn't know how I would pick up and move on...

You never said you were leaving,

You never said goodbye.

You were gone before I knew it,

and only God knew why.

A million times I needed you,

A million times I have cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,

In death I love you still.

In my heart, you hold a place

No one could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

But you did not go alone.

For part of me went with you,

the day God took you home.

~Author Unknown

Each day that passes, the anniversary of Beck's death looms. There is much sadness in my heart as I remember all the great feelings and anticipation of meeting our little baby. I distinctly remember going with Grace on her field trip to the pumpkin patch a exactly 3 days before he would stop moving. I remember trying to stay focused on Grace and her special day, but I could not keep the excitement of having another baby at bay. I remember as I watched her run around...standing and rubbing my stomach...so proud and thinking about how our life was going to change. I remember people asking me when I was due and asking if it was a boy or a girl. I remember feeling him kick me, as I sat on that uncomfortable school bus for the 20 minute ride home. Everything seemed so perfect. And to think in just a few short days we would be told horrific news. I will NEVER, ever forget laying in that room and watching and waiting for the nurse to find our baby's heartbeat. And our life has never been the same since.

As i finished this entry, the mailman just came to my door to deliver our mail. In the pile of mail was a card from my mom and dad. Being curious (I should have guessed the nature of the card), I opened it right away. Thanks for being there for me mom in a moment when I needed it. Interesting how some things work...

My darling little boy, I miss you more than I ever thought it possible to miss a human being. Missing you all the time is hard work. For one tiny, little man...you sure take up a lot of space in my heart:)

Kiss your kids today. Make them laugh. Give them a few extra hugs. Surprise them by telling them something that is unique about them that you love so much. As long as your at it...do it for your significant other as well. Your life can change so quickly...one day everything is great and your biggest concern is how you are going to get all your laundry done. Then without warning, you are wondering how you are going to get out of bed and face the day.

Disclaimer: Nothing has happened to me personally to prompt this post. I have just heard lots of stories of heartache over the last few days!

Today is a better day! Yesterday was a pretty low day for me. The rain and cold weather probably did not help the situation either. I actually got sick later in the afternoon. I got pretty worked up and my nerves were reacting. I knew it was bad when I wanted to back out of my weekly night out with my girlfriends. I just did not feel good. I just felt depressed. However, you know the saying fake it until you make it? Well, I put those words into action and I snapped out of it. I told myself I could not cancel on my friends and I psyched myself up to put on a smile and enjoy some time without someone pulling on me or needing me. It worked.

I don't know how it always works out this way...probably because I just have some great friends...but they always seem to know when I need to talk about Beckett. It helped. And the one thing about those particular friends, is that I know that they try so hard to understand how this affects our family each and every day. I appreciate it so much. Not because I want attention or for people to feel sorry for me...that is the last thing on my mind. What I appreciate so much is that they remember our little boy. They keep his spirit alive. That is what touches me. That is what I appreciate. He is not forgotten. As long as I live this life, he will be alive in me.

I am so sad. It is coming up on 2 years since Beckett died and I am overcome with grief. I was driving to a store today and I drove by the funeral home where he was. I am starting to have regrets that I did not go there. I did not go there to pick out a casket. I did not go there to hold him one last time. I did not go because I was a coward and I lacked the courage to face reality. The pain was too immense and I couldn't do it. I wish I would have. I wish now that I would have taken every single opportunity I had to be with him because today I feel overwhelmed by the lack of time I had with him. I hate that he died. I hate that he is not here. I hate that instead of planning his birthday party I am thinking about how to honor the anniversary of his death.

I walked Liv into her bedroom this morning for her nap.  All I could see were the mocha walls with painted dots...the clothes lined up in the closet. The clothes neatly folded in the dresser. His blankets that were waiting for him. Overcome with sadness, I held Liv tight and cried, while she patted me on the back:) And I thanked God that she is here with us.

Friday night dance party!

Here is Liv dancing to her favorite tune...Dynamite...by Taio Cruz. Whenever she hears the tune she stops and starts shaking it:) By the way, we apologize for the annoying voice (Grace) in the background;) She wanted people to think it was Liv singing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYe5AjfLWb0&feature=channel

Have a great weekend!

It has been a while since I have been choked up. I guess choked up is not the word...maybe suffocated. I was cleaning out my buffet and came across a thank-you card with a card made by the funeral home. I don't know what they call those pamphlet things. It announced the death of Beckett. My heart started pounding. I just sat there and stared at that mold of his foot. And I was overcome by grief of never getting the chance to kiss those little toes. I then came across the picture book with all of Beck's photos. And I sat there and cried...sobbed. He was so beautiful. He was my little baby and he was dead. I just can't believe the magnitude of what has happened. What happened to him!

I have not let myself cry for quite some time. I have not let myself feel the heaviness of our loss for quite some time.

I miss that little boy with every fiber of my being.

So....it has been a while since I have been able to sit down and update my blog! The days are flying by. Generally, they are filled with lots of activity. Our past 3 days though have been wonderful! Nothing like opening all the windows and letting the fresh air in. A break from the heat has been nice.

We just spent a week in my hometown area with family and friends. I got to see my dear friend who was here from Oregon. Cory had a class reunion the last weekend in July. Saturday night turned into a VERY late night extravaganza! We had a blast. Who would have thought I'd thoroughly enjoy my husbands class reunion? We got home just before 4am. Laughing and talking until we noticed the time and thought it might be good to call it a night!! When I spoke with Donna the next day she had planned to meet up with us Sunday night. UGH! I had it in my mind we'd meet Monday afternoon. Anywho, I had 2 hours to pack the kids up for a week and drive 3 hours...alone...with 3 kids (who are not the best travlers)...on a little less than 3 hours of sleep. To my great surprise, the kids were rockstars!! The Diet Coke kept me peppy!!! We made it safe and sound with no traffic and minor crying from Liv!!!! Yeah.

I got to enjoy a wonderful visit with Donna and Matt. Donna is a good friend from high school. We cemented that bond when we left for college. Most people spends hours and hours researching schools...it seems we both thought Aberdeen, SD looked like a nice place...so why not? So off we were to try our hand at being adults. Many, many stories I could share. Well...why not one?

So we drive to Aberdeen for a tour of Northern State University. It was months into winter. Snow covered everything! We are driving around the campus looking for the entrance to get us to the Admissions Office (or something like that)...in my Turismo 2.2, I might add. We see two large gates that looked very inviting and there was clearly a path cleared...so it must be where you go, right? We head through the middle of the gates, taking in the scenery, scanning for good looking boys. Everyone seemed really friendly. A lot of people seemed to take notice of us. We smiled, trying our best to look as friendly and outgoing as possible. We noticed a few snickers...we got a little self conscious...paid a little more attention. We were MORTIFIED when we realized that we were actually DRIVING THROUGH CAMPUS!!!!!! We were driving on the sidewalks....MEANT FOR STUDENTS!! We swiftly found a way out of there and now can laugh about it until we almost pee our pants. We made lots of memories together. Some not our "brightest" moments. Donna was wonderful to us when Beck died. She is a great friend. I cherish our time together. Now if I could just get her to move back, just a smidgen closer!

The kids are doing great. Grace is preparing to enter Kindergarten. I have mixed feelings about all of it! It is so hard to let go and be excited. The upside to that is I get to have Liv all too myself for a couple of hours anyway. She will no doubt miss her siblings while they are at school! She looks for them all the time. The second she hears one of their voices her head is spinning around to find them. They have encouraged her to reach all her milestones so far:) Let's see...she is sitting, crawling, moving swiftly from place to place, she can pull herself up on everything, she can stand for up to 10 seconds without support, she can almost do a complete back flip out of my arms and car seat, she can say mama (whether or not it is specifically for me-still yet to be determined), she claps her hands with much enthusiasm. She is a VERY (understatement) busy gal. She is a risk taker. She will not be left behind. She is a lot of work!

There is not one minute that goes by that I am not thankful for her presence in our lives. She has brought so much love, joy and happiness to our lives. She is just such a special little girl. I think we all feel that. We all needed someone like her to step in and help us heal. I squeeze her so tight and tell her how special she is to all of us all the time.

And now for a few pictures...

Smore face

Spud logo

Cragun's

Grace relaxing

Holden at Cragun's

Liv and Cory-Cragun's

Loving the grass

Liv

She moved a lot of business to get to this location and chew on wrapping paper!! I caught her and was able to get one picture that turned out because I was giggling so hard!

You know how when you sit there sometimes, thoughts float in and out, not intentionally...just random things pop into your mind? Gosh, I hope I am not the only one! Lately, my thoughts have been consumed by Beckett. That is pretty typical for me on a daily basis but lately I have been feeling really sad. Choked by visions of him laying so still in my arms. Recollecting that long, lonely walk out of the hospital without my baby but in his place a box filled with a few momentos. I think of him after he left our room...thinking of where they took him. I think of him going to the funeral home. I think of him laying in that white coffin. I think of that lifeless, precious boy. I think of how big he'd be right now. I daydream about what he'd look like. I take the mannerisms I like the most from Holden, Grace, and Liv and give those to him...then I watch him in my mind. In just 3 months he'll be 2 years old. Full of life...and then I stop daydreaming and the reality of our life without him hits me. That is when I see him as we did on that horrendous day. And my heart sinks. And I can't wrap my head around how something so horrible...happened...

I look at Liv and I can't even explain in words the joy she brings to my heart and soul. This sweet, pure, innocent soul...how blessed we are to have her in our lives. She is absolute treat! Everyday I am thankful, grateful, and 100% of the time reminded of how this little life is to not be taken for granted.

I think a lot about how we got to where we all are and what it all means. I have come a long way in my grief and trying to understand Beckett's death and why it happened. I have taken some time to digest a simple,quick conversation I had with my mom about the book, The Shack, back in June. I read the book within that 1st year of loosing Beckett. The book was so/so. The part of the book I was most interested in was the fact that the little girl knew her dad when he saw her in heaven. She remembered him. There were feelings shared there. That was the part of the book that spoke to me. Now I can see why. It was where I was in my grief. I just couldn't get over where he was and what would happen when we met again. I was still po'ed at God too. It was He that did this to us. He hurt us. Who else was to blame? When there is not an explanation for death you look for someone to blame. I chose to blame God. If someone is killed by a drunk driver, it is that person who caused this horrific accident and carries the blame and there can be a direction to channel anger. In my situaiton, there were no red flags. It happened quickly and without reason. So I blamed God. I am not ashamed to admit that.

My mom asked me what I thought about the idea that God would never hurt his children. We are all His children and He would not harm us. That long ago free will was chosen so that is what determines our future. Hmmm. I heard something similar in a sermon from our pastor. I believe I blogged about it some time ago. Everything he had said did not entirely make sense to me, at least not until my mom had stated it so simply. Hmmm. I pondered this throughout the rest of the day. I had an epiphany of sorts that evening as I laid in bed with Grace at my side and Liv at the foot of the bed. I cried in to my pillow. It seemed to make perfect sense to me....18 months later.

I was raised Catholic. I attended Catholic school through the eighth grade. We read from the Bible, learned interpretation through the eyes of our teachers and priest. I remember always having a fear of God. One could be struck down...sent to hell...it always seemed to be the negative that was the focus. Therefore, I learned to fear God and his rath. Maybe this was not all that was taught but that is what I remember most. (The teachers/parents probably used a little bit of scripture to scare the begeesus out of us in an attempt to encourage good behavior). I must say I have used "catholic guilt" a time or two:) How this relates to the way I felt about Beck's death is really clear to me now. At first, I took it personal. WTF did I do to deserve this? Why us? Why me? Why not the person who wants to have an abortion anyway? Why not the families that don't care about their kids? Why, why, why? I also thought of it as a lesson God was teaching us...Beck the sacrificial lamb....sent to teach us things we could never learn unless we experienced a death of a child. I felt God did this to us. There was a "purpose". The old cliche "everything happens for a reason"...but since then I have had a revelation of sorts for myelf.

The revelation was strong and it was almost as if I felt God right there in the room with me, clapping His hands. It was like a parent praising a child for learning something new. It felt so real. It is since then I have been able to let go a little bit of the anger and resentment. I can see Beck's death in a new light. I can see the God was not hurting us intentionally. Why would a loving God bless a family with a beautiful new baby just to take him/her away? Why would God allow two parents to be killed and leave children to be alone? Why would God allow brutal killings? Why would a loving God allow pedofiles to roam the earth? Those were always the questions I would have stroll through my mind and inferiorate me even more. It made me doubt. It made God feel untrustworthy to me.

In that room that night it was like this huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. It is like my heart was open to let God in again. It sounds totally corny, I know, but it happened. I believe God intended for us to have Beckett in our lives but something happened. It was something He could not control. Free will comes into play here. It just happened and He was there to take Beckett to heaven. He loves each of us and never wanted to hurt us. It was not His intention, rather just something that happened. He did not inflict us with this pain. He is there to help comfort us in our sorrow. He is there to fulfil His promises to us.

I know some may argue with me. "Everything happens for a reason." For some those may be words of comfort and a source of strength to draw from. For me, those words are hurtful. Those words mean that God intentionally hurt my children, gave us horrific memories to live with, branded our hearts with pain too immense to describe, gave us a reason to doubt Him and not trust. For me those words do not provide me with a sense of peace. What gives me some peace is believing God loves me and my family. He would not hurt us or allow horrible things to happen. He is all love.

Thanks mom!

We spent a wonderful weekend with my sister and her family this weekend. We walked, talked, shopped, played...we even squeezed in a movie for the adults. It has been a while since Cory and I have been able to have a little time together. It was nice.

Liv is officially 6 months old already! Big blue eye is cute as ever. She is very active (understatement). She loves to move. She works hard at it. She gets especially excited and motivated to get close to newspaper/magazines. I am not really sure what gets her so geared up but she kicks her feet fast to get momentum built up to propel herself forward. And when she actually reaches her goal... and it gets taken away from her there are repercussions. I'd be a little torqued too. Tonight she actually had lifted her whole body up as if she was doing a push up and held it for several seconds. Grace was thrilled for Livie. She is one of her biggest fans:)

The last 6 months have really flown by. The last 6 months have been some of the most beautiful months. I am thankful for them. These months have also served as a great distraction to the saddness that lingers. We don't have much time to reflect on the grief now. Things move at such a fast pace. Having 3 kids keeps a family busy on many levels. Having 2 kids in a plethera of activities also exhausts our free time. In June, like a ton of other families, we are booked every day. Granted we signed up for all of these activities and the kids really love it, so we have no one to blame but ourselves:) We are doing Babe Ruth baseball, Big Bopper baseball, Tae Kwon Do, golf, hockey camp (a month long!), 1 mini family vacation, 1 couples golf weekend and *sigh* it will be July.

A visual update!

 

This has been a painful visual post:) They appear in a random order. This blog interface is not my friend. It makes me feel inept. In my mind, I envision this beautiful display and then I get this. Oh well!!

#1. This is my dad, Dave, and Holden on his 8th birthday...with the cake he made himself (not kidding). Mom and dad made the trek to Moorhead to hang with us to celebrate Holden's birthday on May 16th. It was a wonderful weekend that went entirely too fast.

#2. Liv at 5.5 months. I could stare at that face for hours...sometimes I do:)

#3 and #4. Grace cleaning out the fountain in Beck's garden. She is detail orientated.

#5. A picture of Livie and her rolls. This picture really showcases her many folds that need to be cleaned. And oops you can see her bubbies on this one:)

#6. Liv with a stache.

#7. Holden and Liv cuddling on the couch. Good pictures of Holden these days is hard to come by. He is allergic to my camera. The good news is his nose is clear...generally that is not the case!

#8. Holden and his friends posing with the limousine we rented for his 8th birthday! It was crazy loud, really fun, and hopefully the last hurrah for b-day parties!

Holden: "Dad, I need a new butt?" Cory: "Why do you need a new butt?" Holden: "Because mine has a crack in it!"  Holden made a funny last night. If this joke is an oldie (still a goodie) we have never heard it before, neither had Holden. He believes this is a quality joke he thought up himself. Since it drew so much attention it has been told many times over since last night! Do butts, farts, and burps ever loose their humor? I know my dad still gets the giggles over a good push, so maybe not...

I got to meet a beautiful, tiny baby on Friday. It is cliche, but I can't believe how fast babies grow. I can hardly remember Livie being that small. Liv is inching up to being 6 months old! I can't believe how fast it went and I really took the time to enjoy and savor every moment I could. She has changed so dramatically. Not so much in the looks department, but in her interactions and physical abilities. She is able to move from one place to another. She was even mobile enough to get to her monitor and throw it out of the crib. Needless to say, that has been moved to another location. She is really enjoying her Johnny Jump Up. She loves to bounce and twirl. She is sitting up already! She needs to be supervised but she balances really well in the middle, but she has not learned how to master not tipping over if she gets off her center. She can blow bubbles with her saliva (always a good one). She has transfered that ability to food. She is eating oatmeal, pears, apples, sweet potatoes and peas. She is also getting the hang of a sippy cup. It is a pretty exciting time for the kids. They love to feed her. They love to help her learn new tricks.

Friday morning all the kids were up early enough to have breakfast together. But why wouldn't they be up early all together? They must have sensed that mom was up late Thursday night...why does it always happen like that? Anyway...I put Liv in her highchair. I started to fix breakfast. When I turned to hand out the food the kids were all lined up. Grace and Holden both pulled a chair beside Liv. It was the cutest thing!!!! They love, love, love her. She is a complete joy to all of us. It helps that she is a mild mannered baby and so smiley. I am so thankful for her presence in our lives. She has made such a tremendous impact on all of us.

I often wonder where I'd be in the grief process if Liv had not been born. There just doesn't seem like there is much time to give in to my pity parties anymore. By the end of the day I am so worn out...I don't even let myself go there. I still think of him many times throughout the day, but I am never alone for more than a couple of minutes to process any of my thoughts that pass through my mind. In a way, that is a blessing. In another way, it makes me feel guilty or disconnected at times. Sometimes I feel so far away from him. That is a really confusing thing. Why do I feel close to him sometimes, but othertimes I feel like we are universes apart? I don't understand. If anyone out there knows of any books written about children in the spiritual world, I'd like to hear about it.

After Beckett died, I met some new people. These are people that I most likely would have not met had we not all shared the profound loss of our boys. When I lost Beck...I had no idea how all this grieving stuff worked. I felt very alone. I felt like no one could quite understand. I felt different from everyone else. And then, unfortunatley, there was another family who lost their baby boy. We connected through mutual friends and our kids were in the same sport. I never knew that meeting that mom would help me so tremendously move through my grief. We shared this awful commonality...and we could talk about it and totally get it. We could share some dark humor. It was a life line I am so thankful to have had and have. And then, unfortunately again, another family lost their boy...and the three of us would meet for some "therapy". We would meet at a coffee shop to listen, talk, and remember.

Then within similar time frames...we were all pregnant. Ironically, we all lost boys and we all had girls! The final girl has arrived and she is adorable, beautiful. So...now we will move through this stage in the grief and parenthood of a child after a loss. I am so incredibly happy for all of us to be where we are right now.

And thank you to whomever left the lady bug at Beck's grave! Grace especially enjoyed it:)

Speaking of Grace...I am still crossing my fingers and not convinced it is for real...but we have had lots of success in the bathroom department. I am talking "all" areas!!! I think the medication is working. It is helping with the leaking. I think she was as worn out in trying to stay dry and we were! Now that she is getting a break from the constant wetness...she is heading to the bathroom on her own and staying dry all day. Seriously? This little pill could have helped us avoid that last 3 years?!!? Oh well...I am just thrilled for her. I can tell she is proud too. (And yes, I feel incredibly guilty for all the nagging/lecturing/disappointment). She needed some medical help. Ahhh...I hope it lasts:)

Quite a while back I was invited to go on a scrapbook retreat with my sisters to Hinckley, MN. It took a lot of thought...but on my last chance to sign up I decided to do it. It would mean leaving Liv for almost 3 days! I typed yes, hit send and sent a check off immediately so I could not back out. I spent many a nights/days pumping...and pumping...and pumping to have enough food for Liv. 125 ounces to be exact! As Friday morning approached my stomach was turning over and over. I really was not sure how I was going to leave my baby, but I did it and Cory was going to be on his own (included in the mix was a birthday party and going away party).

I have not gone away with my sisters in 5 years without children with us. I was anxious to leave but looking forward to some sister time. We had a nice, relaxing time together. We worked on our scrapbooks of our kids and family...so it was even more fun reminicing or seeing photos for the first time. The three of us got to share a room together. There we were lined up each on our own twin bed...youngest to oldest. I can't really say that Mandie was in the room as much as us. She is a die hard...not coming to bed until 4:45AM!! Seriously...my creative juices run dry by midnight. I can't keep up with her. We had an excellent time...I wish those times happened more frequently. On my way home Sunday, I was able to meet my momma and godmother for a quick lunch. It felt a little wierd as I never just drop in quick. I hated to leave but I knew I had three excited kids waiting for me and a daddy that might want a little relief. It was so awesome to pull into the driveway and have my kids coming out to greet me. Holden had a big smile on his face and gave me the biggest squeeze. Grace was super excited to have me back. She would reach out and just touch my arm with a big smile on her face throughout the rest of the afternoon and next day. Liv was full of smiles and "talks". It is so nice to come back and see those happy faces...just for me. I really thought there would be some pay back...as in lots of crying, whining...but they handled it really well! Cory did not cry either...or bolt out the door to the golf course:)

With this early summer like weather the garden for Beck has been coming in nicely. I thought his tree might have bit the dust but it is sprouting like crazy. It makes me happy to think of taking the kids to pick out special annuals to plant for him. His garden is a very special place (for all of us). When I care for the plants, I am thinking of him constantly. With that there is a lot of saddness, it is a heartache that will never go away, but it is also gives me something to do...look after in honor of him. I have been thinking that I want to plant a couple of perinneals at his grave sight. So...if there is anyone that has some suggestions of some meaningful plants that might work, please let me know.

I just want to thank all those people who still send me an e-mail to let me know they are thinking about us, those that let me know they still read this blog, and for those who help keep Beck's memory alive. I think of him every single day...every hour...and then some. He is my little angel whom I know watches over us. I am so grateful for his beautiful spirit. It has been just over a year and a half since I held my little pumpkin. I SO wish he was here with is...begging me to play. I'd love to be digging in the sand and showing him all kinds of interesting bugs outside. I'd love to be strolling him and Livie side by side in the stroller. I'd love to be picking up his sippy cup that he has thrown on the floor for the tenth time. I'd love to be complaining to my friends that I am exhausted caring for all these kids. I would have loved him to have stepped out onto the steps to greet me home this weekend. But, then again...he was with me this whole weekend. Grace DID NOT want to be outnumbered by boys so I offered to take Beckett with me:)

Liv is now a rolling over machine. Her first offical role over was on my birthday, December 15th. She was 2 weeks old. I was there to witness the roll.

I worked when Holden was little. I worked some really bad hours some days. It was too demanding a job with a young family. I was the manager of a group home for adults with disabilities. It sounded so awesome! I thought $21, 000 was a lot of money. I was naive:) I loved the people I helped. I still think of all of them often. They were like a second family. But I missed out on so much with that job. Sometimes I'd have to work until 10p, midnight and until 3am. It was hard to try and be a mom and wife with that kind of job. I was lucky to get a job as a case manager with more family friendly hours. I had a large caseload of kids with disabilities and I helped those families with respite care, school issues, and working to make a normal life as possible for the kids. When I was pregnant with Grace we really became serious about developing a plan that would allow me to stay home. Things fell into place (Cory worked very hard at making it happen)...and when Grace was born we decided that I would quit my job and be a stay at home mom. I was going to be able to be there for all the firsts for my kids from here on out!

It was hard to adjust to a new lifestyle but I loved it...still do. I am so very thankful that we were able to make it happen. I will never regret that decision. What does all of this have to do with my beginning entry that Liv can roll over? Well, we have been working with her for the last 2 weeks on rolling over with no luck. Then yesterday Grace got some new gold nail polish, so while I was painting her tootsies and fingers, Liv was laying next to us on her back playing with a toy. I had been talking to her as I was concentrating on the perfect paint job (if I paint outside the lines...there is trouble). I glance over at Liv...still there...but wait! She was on her back and is now on her stomach! She rolled over, holding her head up high with a smile on her face. She did it...right under my nose! I missed it. I can't believe I missed it. I missed her triumph. Crap!! But since then I have witnessed many of roll overs. Yeah for Livie...it won't be long before she is getting around by herself.

Grace had her 5 year check up yesterday. I made Cory come with me because I wanted him to assist when it was time for her to get vaccinated. I had prepared her for one poke..not three! Of course the topic of discussion was incontinence. Grace shared with Cory that we really need to fix this problem. It has not gotten better with the tonsilectomy, which they thought. We have decided to start a medication to help her stay dry. We are kind of hoping that if we can help her out and use medication for a couple of weeks...she'll be more successful. We have gotten to the point that we are afraid her self-esteem will become effected by the reactions from us and others. We don't want to damage her in that way. Crossing our fingers this medication helps! Our doctor is a little perpelxed by her. She told us that Grace is a sophisticated, special kid. She had a lot of positive remarks about her. She asked where she gets the strong willed trait. Cory and I look at each other and said "We have no idea!" Both Cory and I are laid back and flexible. Grace can be...but she can also be bull headed. Usually when it comes to clothing, shoes, and accessories (help me!). I guess when I was a kid and more realistically through my high school years...I was strong willed. Independent. By my college years I had mostly outgrown my strong willed days. So I guess it is just a little pay back for my challenging days adn Cory is along for the ride. BUT, I would not have Grace any other way. She is unique, loving, giving, funny, and entertaining.

As long as this entry has become about the kids...I can't leave Holden out. He is as busy as ever...and if there is a minute of down time...I will hear about it. "I am SOOOO borrreeddd!" I can give him 5 ideas of what to do and he will have an excuse why none of those will work out. He is at an interesting age right now. He is approaching 8. I can see how he is starting to seperate himself slightly from us. He still loves to cuddle up and read a book, organize a family night, or go for a bike ride together, but he is definately into friends right now. He asks for sleepovers every weekend, never wants to go anywhere unless it involves fun, and wants to stay up late. He is still very in love with his little sister, but he is busy as ever. You may find him digging a 3 foot deep hole, for instance, behind the house. He may be playing a game of football or hockey with the neighborhood kids. He is non stop. I guess that would explain why he asks for food ALL THE TIME! Today I was driving by his school and noticed his class practicing the mile run (remember that?). After I dropped of his cousin at school I caught his attention waving my hand out the window yelling "Hey Holden, go buddy, run!" I think he was shocked (and probably embarassed), but he kicked it up a few notches:)

Last week decided to take Liv to Beck's grave. We sat there and I told her about him. She stared at his stone...I am sure she liked the contrast (or patterins as Grace would call it). I placed her little hands over the imprint of his hands. She only has about a quarter inch on him. It was a peaceful time there together until a large bird (I couldn't tell what it was. I just knew it was absolutely huge) interupted our peaceful moments. It was massive and stunning. It landed on the lowest branch of the tree next to us. I looked to see what the hell it was. It was an owl! I have never seen an owl outside of the zoo. It was 2o'clock in the afternoon so I thought that to be odd as well. He stared at us...intently. Then he made some clicking noises. I tucked Liv into my arms and watched him. He just sat there. I moved and he flew over to the next tree...still watching us. Still making noises. I am not familiar with owl habits so I decided that maybe Liv and I should head back to the car. I had a vision of this massive bird swooping down and carrying Liv away.

I am a person who has always looked for signs...signs from Beckett that he is still here and knows us. I googled what the "meaning" behind seeing an owl. The first blurp I read was that an owl is a sign of death or a bad omen (well that is appropriate). But the presence of an owl is also associated with protector. I just felt it ironic that I was there at that particular moment with the child I was so desperately waiting to arrive safely...so anxious about loosing even now...I hope it was a sign that Beck is watching over us. I'd like to believe it was. It was awfully odd...uncomfortable...but peaceful as well.

Grace has been talking A LOT about Beckett over the last few days. It makes my heart sink some days...that they carry this trauma with them too. We will be just driving down the road and she will ask questions or tell me her thoughts about Beckett without being provoked. The other day she was telling me that Beckett just was not healthy and that is why he died. I just told her that we did not know why Beckett died but something happened. She then started thinking of her own mortality. She is convinced that she will not die until she is an old grandma (well I hope so!). She has also been talking to Beck on Liv's phone rattle as well. Asking him what he is doing in heaven. She is super sweet to him. She talks to him in the voice she uses with Liv. She has also asked me some tough questions about heaven and if Beckett is there...is he still in the ground? Tough to explain...I don't even get it!! We all miss him. Liv has reminded us of all that we are missing out on...forever with him.

By the way, Grace is doing really good after surgery. The first 24 hours SUCKED! But after that it ws not so bad (easy for me to say). She just started eating all kinds of food again. All of a sudden she is eating like she has been staarved for a year!

Back to cleaning...laundry...good times, good times!