I am back from a weekend spent with my mom, sisters, and some friends. It was so refreshing and much needed time with some of the most important people in my life. There was a point on Saturday when the joy I felt in my heart was spilling over. I felt light joy and sunshine was oozing out of my pores. I guess it just felt really good to be home and surrounded by beautiful people.

Before my friend and I left for Watkins, we needed to read a local magazine that featured a friend of ours on the cover. I have been waiting patiently for the magazine to be in the stores. That beautiful family on the front cover is my friend who lost her baby boy Beck shortly after we lost our Beckett. She was the one who saved me from spinning out of control in the grieving process. We have built a great friendship, brought together by tragedy and now the bond of our two little girls Piper and Liv who have brought us so much JOY. I attached the link to the article. Yes you might need a tissue, but you will be amazed at Tami's strength and see the goodness that came from great sadness. I am proud to have her as my friend.

http://www.onthemindsofmoms.com/

You can pick up the magazine at any of our local grocery stores and various stores throughout town...as well as doctor's offices. I was interviewed for the article and was very honored to participate in a small way. Tami is such a wonderful person whom I look up to. I just feel blessed to have her in my (our) life.

There are no adequate words to express the pain that is left in our hearts. The day Beck was delivered it was cold, rainy, dreary. Today it is warm, sunny, glorious. Last night, I felt the darkness of that day. I was overcome with intense anguish. He was all I could think about. I tried watching frivolous shows. I tried playing games. I tried reading a book. But, the replay of all the events that lead to October 4th, 2008 kept replaying over and over and over again. Building in strength with every passing minute. Then midnight neared and the built up feelings just exploded. I tried to close my eyes and will it away, but the tears just puddled and soaked my pillow. I wished there would be a pill I could take to make it all go away. I knew I was in for a long night. I tried taking a Melatonin but knew I needed a Zanax or something. I have never even had a Zanax but it sounded good.

Life is not fair. It is filled with bad deals...(green weiners if you will;). But without those bad deals...we'd never get to experience life with such open eyes. The sun just is not as glorious. The sound of the leaves falling is just not as cool. Staring at your kids is just not as wonderous. The beauty of friendships not realized. The importance of family and their love and support not appreciated as much. All these things have been revealed to us in the aftermath of Beck's death. Not to say that others do not know these things, but when you have dealt with a deep and intense grief of any kind...you appreciate more.

Thank you to all the wonderful people in our life who have remembered us even after all these years. Thank you for the flowers, cards, prayers, messages, e-mails...thanks for remembering him most importantly. I think that is all a parent wants is to know that people remember the kids that are not here with us but still live with us everyday. He is a big part of our family. An important part of our family.

Beckett,

3 years old buddy! Happy birthday to you. I am hoping that there is some celebration for you today. I see you running, laughing, and playing. I see Ann there with you...holding you and pointing out things to you. That makes me feel better to know that she is there too.

Not a single day goes by that you are not thought of. You are ever present in our lives, just not in the way we had hoped. God picked a good family to have you born into because you are loved and missed by so many! There is not another family who could love you more.

I wish I could squeeze you and kiss those soft cheeks. I wish I could share so many things with you. It is hard to accept that those things can only happen in my mind.

Happy Birthday baby!

Just thinking of you today little buddy. I thought I heard you whisper in my ear today..."I am okay mom."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDUkp1Ts8A&feature=related

This day would have marked your last day that I carried you alive...that last movement felt...