Our little baby girl...             

    Holden, Grace and Liv      

    Family picture

All pooped out!!!

A moment of peace to make an entry...I love the chaos three kids brings. At times it is bit challenging but it is nothing we can't handle. It has been a month since Liv was born. Hard to believe how fast it has gone by. The holidays certainly sped things along. She is gowing so much. She is filling out in the legs and the face mostly. She is an absolute joy. She is the best baby. She rarely cries and if she does it is very short lived. She grunts alot...which makes everyone laugh. She probably gets kissed a minimum of a 100 times a day. She gets told she is loved all the time. I think we all appreciate her a little more than we would have had we not experienced the pain of loosing Beck. I am grateful for that gift. Having a living, breathing baby just seems so miraculous.


Liv is a constant reminder of all that we missed out on with Beck. There is definately a saddness for Beck when I care for Liv. In the first months after loosing Beck I really struggled with the thought of his body in the ground. I came to a place where I no longer perseverated on that. I just pictured him as a little angel with very fluffy wings. Now, as I look at Liv, I am noticing that struggle resurfacing. It all just seems so impossible and unnatural. There are a lot of feelings I am having that did not expect-good and bad. I have not felt guilty...I thought I would...I feel like I have been given a gift and I need to be the best mom I can. I need Beckett to see all the love that he would have been given. In a way, it is my way of memoralizing him. Thinking back to those first few months...how much I longed to hold him, feed him, be up in the middle of the night with him, smell him...I am taking all that pain of what I missed and giving it to Liv. I am embracing all of it...cherishing it. That time is special and I will never get it back.


The week leading up to Christmas I was getting the holiday blues. There was definte excitement of having Liv with us this holiday...it was more than wonderful. But, there was definately someone missing. My heart ached for Beckett this Christmas. I pictured him among the mix of everything. When I looked at pictures of all of us together I couldn't help but picture a little one year old boy too. I wish I could say I got everything I wanted for Christmas...but I will never have all my heart desires. When we took a family picture...I wonder if it will ever feel like a complete family. I am guessing that does not change for anyone that experiences a profound loss. There is always that missing person. I just need to figure out how to be content with our reality. I need to find that peace...I need to figure out how to let go of the anger...I need to figure out how I can accept loosing Beckett.

Despite the holiday blues leading up to all of our celebrations...the celebrations were wonderful! We had a great time with Cory's and my family. We left on Wednesday to make it my parents home to avoid the winter storm. We made it to Watkins in one piece. There were some very sketchy road conditions, basically the whole way. When we hit highway 55 we basically could not see the road at all. We were grateful to pull into mom and dad's driveway and unwind from the white knuckle drive:) My knuckles were definately white (Cory did fine:). The snow was great for the kids. We made snowmen, had a snowball fight, and the kids went sledding. Grandpa even made a large pile of snow with the tractor for the kids to climb on. The finale of Christmas was just perfect...my brother and dad took Grace and Holden ice fishing and they watched John catch a big Northern. He even fillet it so Holden could bring it home. Holden and Grace sat and watched and also got a biology lesson! I thought Grace would be totally grossed out but she was totally into it. At one point she said, "I can't wait for him to cut his head off!" Should we be worried??? We still have one more Christmas to celebrate. We will be headed to Fergus this weekend to celebrate with Cory's extended family.


I hope you all had great Christmas celebrations!

Having a newborn in the house and only 2 hands equals not much spare time to catch people up! But, I would not trade it for anything. Liv continues to be a little bundle of joy. She is a big sleeper and is asleep most of the day and at night. She is pretty consistent on her awake times and fortunately it works out well for us. Cory and I are lucky to get about 2 hours of awake time with her when the kids just head off to bed. I dreamed of these days for so long...

Liv fits right in. So far the kids have adjusted great, as if she has been here all along. This might change when she is awake more and demands more of my time. Right now she is content to be held by all of us or easily lays down for a nap (which is not too often:). It is difficult for me to put her down for a nap. I definatley feel like I am giving her all the attention I'd give her and Beck combined. It is my way of being able to care for him too. I hope he watches us and sees how much love and attention he would have been given.

I am feeling the holiday blues. It is hard to admit that when I have a beautiful little girl here with us this Christmas. She is a blessing and I am so grateful that she is here. But, it does not take away the hurt that Beck is not here with us all too. It hurts that there are no presents for him under the tree. It hurts to think of where his little body lays. It hurts that he is not in our arms too. Having Liv has just opened the wounds. I love her with every fiber of my being...but sometimes I look at her and think holy crap...we really buried our little baby boy. The reality of that slaps me in the face sometimes. I know that it is real but sometimes it feels like that was just a dream. But then the horror of the reality hits you.

Sometimes I watch Liv sleep and I see Beck's face. And sometimes I get scared...wondering if she will just stay sleeping one of these days. Sometimes I see him so clearly in her and I am comforted. Sometimes I see him and I see his still little face. That just kills me. Holding Liv and feeling all the happiness and pride...thinking to Beck and remembering all the saddness and hurt...it just isn't right. It will never be right.

I wish I could say that I have everything I want for Christmas, but that would be a lie. I want to say that my life feels so complete...our family feels complete, but there is still this huge hole there. I wish I could fill it. We will have a great Christmas and we are so excited to have our little girl here to share it with us. That makes me very happy. I am so lucky. I really am. I just wish Beckett was here to share it with us too.

On another note, I really hope we make it home for Christmas. The predicted snow could cause a problem. I so want to introduce Liv to all the family that has not met her yet.

Happy Holidays to each and every one of you!

It has been a while since I have updated my site. I feel a little guilty that I have not shared more than one post since Liv has arrived. We have been busy and have had lots of company helping us. I have recovered very well so far. My mom is here this week keeping the house in order, keeping our laundry baskets empty, filling our home with smells of fresh bread, carmel rolls, and yummy food. She has been a tremendous help and I love getting to spend this time with her, especially when we live so far away and miss out on this stuff. I am so glad she was able to do this. It always makes me sad when my family needs to leave because I know how fast Liv will grow and how much they miss out on, but I am thankful for the time we have now.

Liv is so precious. She is just a snuggly, tiny bundle of joy. She melts my heart. I could stare at her all day long. We are so lucky. I cherish every moment with her. She has definately contributed to some healing of hearts in this house. My heart still aches for Beckett. I ache for everything we missed out on with him. I look at Liv and I picture Beck laying there on my chest. I imagine the sounds he would have made and how he would feel in my arms. I try not to let my mind go to the places it sometimes wants to go...thinking of him...picturing him and the way he came into this world. A baby should never die. You should never have to bury your child. To me it is almost more sad now...holding Liv and being reminded of how great life should be after the arrival of a newborn...it should not be any other way.

With the difficulties in dealing with loosing Beck after the arrival of Liv, oddly, nothing diminishes the utter happiness and joy that Liv has brought to our lives. Having a child after a loss is by far the most amazing experience. I appreciate everything on a different level. I feel giddiness like I have never felt before. I feel on top of the world sometimes (more so when my pain meds kick in:). I genuinely feel happy. Despite loosing Beck, I feel happy again. I don't think I realized what a depression I was in for the last year. I didn't realize that I could feel this amazing again. I feel like Liv has begun this unexpected healing.

Ever since Liv has arrived I have slept peacefully every single night. I have had no nightmares. I have had no anxieties. I have had no worries. I just sleep. Maybe this will all come crashing down and if it does I guess I expect that, but right now in this moment...it feels amazing! It also helps that Liv only gets up once at night and twice the last two nights. She is just a very easy going, quiet baby thus far. She rarely cries and if she does it is more of a little whimper. She calms very quickly.

Thanks for all the cards, e-mails, and gifts...it is just so exciting for us and we appreciate it all so much. There is no proper thank you to everyone. We are open to visitors so please stop by in you wish. You might want to call first just to make sure we are here, but I am feeling great and we are all so excited to show her off!

Here are a few more pictures of Liv...

IT'S A GIRL!!! Liv Harper Klinnert weighed in at 7lbs 1oz and was 18.5 inches long. She has a cute little double chin and a round tummy.

Sorry for the delay in post but we have been just reveling in the fact that we have another child. What a ride it has been. It still does not feel real at times. Our baby made it here safe and sound and screaming at the top of her lungs.

She was born at 7:30 am by c-section. It was an intense time for us. It was a combination of many emotions. Even as they were working on getting baby out I still did not believe this was actually happening. It all went so fast. To hear her screaming loud and clear was a surreal moment. When I saw her I was overwhelmed with emotion...lots of tears and the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. Cory and I just could not believe it. We still are trying to comprehend that she is alive and is coming home with us.

She is the sweetest baby, who is loved by so many. We have enjoyed holding her and cuddling her. She has spent very little time in the bassinet. Mom and dad have been taking turns holding her and just soaking her in. She is beautiful. She shares physical traits of both Holden and Grace. She has the same head of brown hair that Beck had. She has similar cheeks to Beck. She also has a dimple on one cheek. We are blessed. We are so thankful. We are so happy. I feel so calm. The anxiety and stress has disapated. The kids are very excited about the newest addition. Holden is very serious and sweet with her. Grace is so excited to have a sister and loves to touch her. This is such a happy time for our family.

I will have to go into more detail at another time. I just wanted to get a picture up and share the good news.

We hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! We had an excellent and relaxing day! The food was delicious (I can say that because I did not make it:). The kids had a lot of fun entertaining each other. We got up at 4am to brave the crowds for Christmas shopping. Having a large belly gets you a little special treatment. We took a break to head to the clinic for a NST and quick chat with our doctor.

Baby looked great on the NST. Lots of dips and peaks. We anxiously awaiting our doctor to come in and discuss our options. We asked if Friday was the only day that we could deliver. She was direct and said, "You know the risks. Your baby is not mature, but yes we can deliver earlier if you want to." I think she saw the wild look in my eye because she suggested we do it for my mental health. We walked out to see what was available in her schedule. We are scheduled first case Tuesday, December 1st. This is an agonizing decision. This was a decision I thought would be easy...given all of my feelings. Once it was switched I felt a wave of emotions, not all necessarily good. I felt relief. I felt happy to have a date. I felt my heart sink...hoping we are making a smart decision. All the what ifs flood me. This is what we wanted. However, when faced with making a concious decision about when to have this baby (knowing what we know), we will be responsible for the outcome. There is no where else to place the blame if something happens. It is a difficult decision to make. It would be easier if I just went into labor naturally, then it is out of our control. Ironic when you are given a little control you are scared of taking it. We do know through all of the research we have done that our baby should be fine. There is a very small chance the baby will have trouble breathing. I think the chance of having a repeat stillbirth and the chance of breathing difficulties are about the same. I will be 38 weeks and 3 days on Tuesday. My heart is heavy with fear. However, I believe I would feel that way no matter what.

So, Tuesday is the scheduled day. We are hoping for an uncomplicated c-section and a healthy baby.

We got the news today that we will not be having our baby on Friday. The baby's lungs are still not developed enough to proceed. A huge disappointment for us. We had not been really preparing at all for a delivery Friday as we did not want to be let down again, but it was still a hard pill to swallow. I thought maybe if I didn't think it would happen it would. When the nurse called me I knew right away it was not going to be the news I wanted. I could tell that she felt awful. The nurse and I have been chummy since I started doing NST's at 32 weeks. Baby got a 37. So, that was a huge leap from 12 but not good enough. I could just about kick myself, though. As I was laying there waiting for them to find a "good spot" for the amnio, we were joking around. My doctor was telling us that one time during surgery the OR team forgot to give her a hat for surgery so she took the father's hat and put it on backwards to keep the hair out of her eyes for surgery. I told her that Cory would let her keep one of his hats if it meant we could deliver the baby on Friday. She looked at me and said "Holly we can go ahead and just do a c-section on Friday if you want. We can skip this and take our chances." Cory and I both said "No, we are here. I couldn't live with myself if something bad happened." Well, after hearing it is a no go...I thought I can't live with myself if this baby is stillborn too. At least if it was born it would be okay...it might just need a little help. That seems more bearable than visiting a grave yard.

After I heard the news, I screamed some choice words:) (Yes, I was alone:) I punched pillows and I felt physically ill. I had to hang up with Cory because I was sick. I was just instantly sick with fear.

It is really hard to explain these fears to someone who has not experienced this type of loss. It is not that I don't know the baby is better off inside for a while longer. It isn't that I am just dying to meet and hold this baby. It is that I think this baby will die too. I think this baby stands a better chance outside of me where people can do something if there is a problem. What I am trying to do and what people are asking me to do is trust in God. But, God took our baby just last year. We are still grieving. We still do not fully trust the plan. We are hurt. We are scared. So, I know everyone means well, but please don't tell me that everything will be okay. Everything will be fine. Nobody knows that. Living without our little boy doesn't feel fine. Life is unpredictable and uncontrollable and that is scary.

I am so thankful that we have a house full of company this weekend. It will make the days go by faster. I will go in again on Friday at 11am for a NST and to discuss options. We will hope for a delivery at the beginning half of the week. We will keep people posted. Again, thanks for all the prayers-they have to work sometime don't they?

A silver lining...

Since so many have asked what is next I thought I'd fill people in. I am done with the steroid shots and baby looked great yesterday on the NST. I was able to have more clarity on what the numbr 12 meant and what I can expect from here. 12 is a level of sufacant in the lungs of the baby. They would have expected our baby to be near 50. Being a 12 does not mean that they baby would be in a lot of trouble if he/she was born. It would even be possible for the baby to be born and be perfectly fine or it could need to be in the NICU for a few days with some help of oxygen. I was told they would not stop any labor at this point even knowing what they know, but they will not do an elective surgery with those numbers. They would expect, typically, for a baby to reach the level of about 40 with the steroids (a baby withour numbers). That coupled with the 6 days the baby is able to grow and mature it is a possibility that I could deliver next Friday (27th). After we received that information we have decided we would do the 2nd amnio and hope for good results. The lastest they would make me wait is December 4th. I think with the level of anxiety, stress, and sleepless nights I have been having...we are really hoping to just have to push through another week.

I was up at 2am until 6am last night. The baby was so still and was not moving when I'd try to wake it so I got really anxious. At about 5am I decided to have some yogurt and a cold glass of water...otherwise I was planning on heading in to get things checked. The food and water did the trick and I was able to fall back asleep until I was woken up by my sweet boy. So, this will be a challenging week but we have some things planned to make things go a little faster. AND, my sister and her family are coming on Wednesday because they have no school- so we are really excited to have their company.

Here is the silver lining...my friend just called to tell me they have lifted the ban on visitors at the hospital!!!! I can't even tell you how awesome that is. If I had the choice to wait a week so our kids could be apart of all of this at the hospital-there would have been no question I would have toughed it out so they could be there. That is just the greatest news and makes all of this a little more exciting. It will kill me to have to wait to tell them just in case things change quickly, but I think I will keep it under wraps until we know when we are going in.

A HUGE disappointment...

I received the news around 1:30 today that the amnio came back with not so great news. Baby K is no where near ready to be born. It is not on the "immature" radar. I can't even begin to put into words how hearing this news made me feel. I tried to prepare myself for the unlikely possibility that our baby would not be ready. However, I have failed that attempt as my reaction to the news clearly shows. Our baby got a lung maturity of 12. That is severly low in medical terms. 40 is considered "immature". I am not sure what kind of number means mature but I believe it is above 60. So, we have a long way to go. I was given 2 options-neither which I liked-but I have choices. I could either get a series of steroid injections and repeat amnio with possiblility of delivering on Friday the 28th or wait until 39 weeks to deliver. Hmmm...I am going crazy each day that passes. Each day feels like another step closer to death.

We opted to go for the steroid injections, which I have gotten the first shot just an hour ago. Let me tell you this hurt!! I'd rather have an amnio. When we went in this morning I really nervous. It went pretty quick and was undoubtly uncomfortable but not painful. The shot in the butt was way more painful. In fact I am sitting on an ice pack right now. My doctor is shocked by the number, as well as the perinatalogist. But, she says it does not mean anything is wrong. Our baby just happens to fall into that small percentage of babies that are not ready. I think steroids are the way to go though because if I happen to go into labor naturally I am concerned on how the baby will fair without a little help. This is my 4th child so anything can happen.

I am definately beyond disappointed. I am feeling pretty awful. I just don't understand why God would put us through all of this. I know having a healthy baby is what we want more than anything, but right now it is a little hard to digest the news. We are not even close. Why? I just feel so abandoned...left to suffer. Not only do we need to worry about loosing the baby...we need to worry about the baby's lung health.

Thanks for all the support and prayers! I guess put them towards the following week, I guess.

A little update...

We got a call yesterday moving our amnio up to Wednesday morning. My Dr. has jury duty?! Great timing.
I hope that the 24 hours is not a make or break for us. The waiting is killing me. I feel like we are on borrowed time and it is just a matter of hours sometimes that our baby will be taken to heaven again. Yesterday was the exact point in my pregnancy with Beckett when we lost him. Ok, as I just wrote that the baby gave me a hefty kick to the rib. I feel like it is Beck's spirit following this baby along in there and he gives me jabs when I talk negatively.

Anyway, it looks like we will know Wednesday late afternoon (that is what we want) if delivery will happen on Friday. I guess the sooner we get the results the more likely the lungs are not mature.

This day could not come fast enough, but at the same time I feel like there is so much to do and not enough time to do it.

Send up some prayers for some healthy lungs Wednesday! And, let's hoe I don't pass out when I see that LOOOONG needle:)

To my forever baby Beckett,

You are in my thoughts all the time little buddy. I look at your pictures several times a day trying to memorize those features and how it felt to hold you in my arms. It was so hard to plant your face with kisses because I was trembling so bad. We waited so long for you to get here. We were all so excited to finally meet you and learn who this amazing little human being was and what he/she would become. We were SO close...so close to having you here with us. I just feel if we woudl have had one more test, if I would have been told to count your movements, if we would have gotten the care we are getting now...you just might be here today. I know you are safe where you are, but it doens't change the fact that I miss you everyday. I think of you all day. I walk around with a hole in my heart. Out of our tragedy in loosing you we have been blessed with another child. You will have a little brother or sister soon. Our hearts will NEVER get over the loss of you, but I feel a little more hopeful about the future. That was a gift from you. I wish you were here too, to share in the excitement with your brother and sister. I know that you have come to me recently, I have felt your presence. I am the one soupposed to be caring for you but I know you are there helping me make my way through this pregnancy. I want to ask that you be there with us when it is time to deliver your brother/sister. I need you to be with me and let me know it is all going to be alright. I need you to know there is not a single person in this enitre world who could ever take your place, if anything it will solidify your place in our family. It will be hard for me to hold this child and not think of you. It will be hard to not imagine you and all that you did not get to do. You never opened your eyes, we never heard your voice, you never took a breath...If there are any kind of strings you can pull for your mommy up in heaven...I pretty much depending on some healthy lungs for Baby K so we can meet him/her on Friday (preferably as early in the day as possible:) I love you Beckett and I so wish you were here...always.  Love , Mommy

To our unborn child,

Some day you will learn about your family. Someday you will learn that you should have two older brothers. Someday you will learn how your beautiful, precious life fits into the story of our family. We have struggled through one of the hardest years of our lives as a family. Learning we were expecting you on Easter day 2009 was a wonderful and intense day! I will never, ever forget the events leading up to finding out and seeing your daddies reaction. We were VERY surprised. We were VERY excited. We were VERY nervous and scared. You were watched pretty closely from very early on. There were countless times when I thought I'd lost you or would loose you (as I write this those are still really big fears). I have devoted so much time and attention to you as you grow...I just can't wait to shower that all on you when you arrive. You have given our family hope. You have given us all excitement. You have given us all an immense gift. Those are all things you can't and won't understand the gravity of until you are much older. I just want you to know that you are wanted, loved, and cherished. I feel so bonded to you both physically and spiritually. This is the only pregnancy that I have been aware and intent on each movement. Actually you are probably aware of that because all of the poking and proding you have been put through already. Holden and Grace love to touch your butt. They think it is so funny! You like to stick your butt out from time to time and they love to rub it. Matter of fact, you have stuck your butt up right at your mother's doctor. Very nice, I guess we might have to have the "what is appropriate and not appropriate" talks with you as well. I can't wait to meet you and have those conversations with you. I hope I get to. I cant wait to hold your face to mine and hear you little noses. I can't wait to examine every inch of your body. I can't wait to lay you on my chest and feel you breath. I can't wait to hear you cry. I can't wait to see your arms and legs stretch out. I can't wait to feed you. I can't wait to rock you. I can't wait to introduce you to everyone. I want you to know how much we love you and want that chance to raise you. You were never conceived as a "replacement". You are not hear to make us feel whole again. You are not here to take away our grief. You are not here for any other reason than the fact that we love you and want you. Keep working on those little lungs! We want to hear your scream loud and clear on Friday. We want to shower you in warmth and love. I can't wait to smooch those chunky cheeks (well they look chunky on the pictures). Love, Mommy

We have a very busy weekend to look forward to which is great because it helps getting me to next Thursday sooner. The more distractions the better at this point. Holden has 3 hockey games this weekend. We are heading to the Peter Pan play tonight with the kids. And, of course the Vikings play on Sunday. We also have a list of things to accomplish, mostly having to do with getting ready for the baby. I kind of hope to have the room somewhat together. I can't wait to find out which color scheme is going to be used. There are a lot of people guessing I am having a girl. I really don't know what to think...all I know is that I swallowed a basketball. And, I'd just like to put this on record for my grandmother Olga, who has had 12 children, guessed I was having a boy judging by my widening backside...well grandma lately several people have commented they didn't even notice I was pregnant! I am not saying I am not huge but maybe my butt isn't as wide as you led me to believe:) She has a pretty accurate track record, though, so I don't totally disregard her opinion!

We love the names we have picked out, but are still searching for a middle name for a girl. Their are so many people thinking it is a girl so we better make sure we have a solid name. It is so much fun not knowing what the gender is. If I didn't have that to look forward to I think I'd have a tougher time getting to the delivery. I am so curious...

I have to share a cute Grace story. There are many but this one needs to be put into a scrapbook one day (this blog will be great for that). We are having the babies pictures taken by Rialee Photography. Look her up and see her beautiful work http://www.rialeephotography.com/ She was the same photographer that came and took pictures of us with Beckett and went above and beyond anything we would have hoped for. She was supposed to photograph him alive but was brave enough to take on a different type of photo session. Well, we hope to have a little boy or girl to photograph very soon after delivery. Anyhow...Grace needed something to wear for pictures and after about 2 months of looking and Interent shopping I found something that is perfect and she loves it, we just needed to go purchase it. I dressed her up in black tights, black knee high boots, a sparkly Hannah Montana shirt and a jean jacket to head out for a little shopping. She looked pretty darn cute:) She really thought she was Hannah Montana for a day! When we were walking out the door she came back in to grab a pen "just in case someone wants my autograph. Mom where should I sign it for people on their arm or something?" She was strutting her stuff, but unfortunately no one had mistaken her for Hannah Montana. She got in the house and said, "Well I guess no one wanted my autograph." I told her I'd like it and I got the 14 year old eye roll and "MOM!" She is growing up tooooo fast.

I hope everyone has a great weekend and if you can sneak in a few prayer for healthy lungs that would be super:) By the way, I can't find the check spelling icon anymore so I apologize!

So many things are taking place and I am starting to feel very overwhelmed. I feel like I am really struggling emotionally. As the date gets closer I feel like all these "things" are in the way and non of it are things that I can control and it is getting very hard to not just "freak out". The kids both started to get sick this weekend, Grace before Holden. Grace tested negative for H1N1 but when I took Holden in to the walk-in yesterday he said he was almost positive that is what we are dealing with and that we were out of the window to treat for Tamiflu and he was not in the category of kids they would treat. I was fine with that as I noticed that Grace was acting like a crazy lunatic in the doctor's office. She was wild! In a cute way, though...so that was good. I figured they both had basically the exact same symptoms so Holden would be better in a couple of days. So far it seems to have been pretty mild. A lot of laying around and only drinking fluids. So naturally, I have been a mad woman disinfecting surfaces 10 times a day, washing sheets daily (does anyone know if flu virus can live on bedding?), washing hands every 10 minutes, nasal rinses, gargling...the list goes on:) If I get it I just hope to get it sooner rather than later, Cory as well. Again, this is nothing I can control and better now than after baby. I can be really rational, however, sometimes I start to throw a quiet pity party for myself (I guess I am inviting you all in now:) Things could be worse...much worse.

So those words take me somewhere else. I am extrememly scared, nervous, anxious, excited...my feelings are all over the board. What if? What if something happens? What if somethign bad happens? I don't think I can handle another heartbreak. I know I can't. That fear is very overpowering. It pushes all rational feelings aside. It takes over. I run through being in the operating room last October and how excruciating everything was. I can't picture a happy scenerio-all I can think of is all the bad that can happen. I try to remember back to when Holden and Grace were born. The only positive experience I had was when Grace was born. Things went pretty smooth. Holden was more of a frantic scenerio trying to get him out quickly and I felt like I was being suffocated...I felt like I had no air and I was dying. Grace was pretty smooth. Beckett, well I think I have been over that before. I am terrified to go back to the hospital again. I am terrified to walk the same hallway. I am terrified to sit there and wait while they prep me. I am terrified that something will go wrong. I am terrified I will not hear our baby's cry. These are real fears. It is eating me up inside. Then I think, ok so everything turns out great, then where does that leave me in all of this? There is no manual on where to go from here. I guess I will have to find my own way.

I am truely grateful that my sister and mom and dad will be here Thursday night (granted amnio is good). I think it will help take my mind off of everything. There is also this calmness that I always feel when they are here. It gives me something else to look forward too. I have only seen my family once since the end of August so I will be very excited to have them here! We are also going to have some visitors for Thanksgiving this year. This is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity!:) The kids are really excited to not have to travel "for once" they say. Holden think he and his dad are going to make a special cake. I am sure it will be really special if Cory is involved:)

Grace came downstairs this morning and the first thing she said was, "Two things today mom! Only 9 more days until the baby and field trip day at school!" I think her baby excitement has returned. This past weekend her and I decided to pack a bag for the baby with the stuff he/she would need for the hospital. I never bought a "coming home" outfit...as this is just something too assuming. I have 2 drawers one with boys clothes (all from Holden/Charlie) and one with girls clothes (all from Grace). She chose a little pink Zebra outfit she wore when she was just a few days old for the girls to wear. She also picked a little outfit Charlie (Jaosn and Chris's boy) wore. She took her time folding each outfit very neatly. She picked out the socks. She picked out a sleeper (white of course:). She really enjoyed doing that. One of the cutest things she packed was a set of earplugs for Cory for when the baby cries!

We still have yet to get the baby's room in any kind of order. The walls are completely primed but nothing else is set up...just a ladder. Maybe this weekend we will be able to get a little more done. Two of my good friends, who have been extrememly supportive of everything we have gone through and are going through, have volunteered to paint the baby's room while we are in the hosptial. I think it will be fun to come home and see it all pulled together. I hope my mom and sister know they will have to pull it all together! Well the personal touches will have to be done a few weeks later. Hmmm...Mandie might be coming for Thanksgiving...I wonder what kind of creative touch I can talk her into doing:)?

I graduated

Today was our last ultrasound and visit to the perinatologists. We waited nearly an hour past our appointment time. There was "something unexpected" that came up with another patient. If this would have happened to me a "before" I lost Beckett, I would have been very impatient. But, now my heart just goes out to whomever may be facing a crisis. We got to see our little chubby, cheeked baby today. He/she looks so big on the screen now. I found myself sad for a couple of reasons. Of course, I think of Beckett and how we lost him at just about 9 days at this point in our pregnancy with him. I think of how this maybe the last time I see this baby alive. I think, holy crap, we could be holding this little baby in just 16 days. I think, I am kind of sad that this will be the last time I see these nurses/doctors. You get used to these faces. You are not treated like just another number or pregnant person. There is a level of understanding there that they know things can turn on a dime. They seem to be very sympathetic to the anxieties that mothers who have lost babies feel.

Baby looked great today from it's head to it's little feet. All vitals looked great. Biophysical looked great. Growth was at the 22nd percentile today. A dip from 55% just 4 weeks ago. Baby is at about 5 lbs. On the ultrasound screen it had my e.d.d. at 12/19/09. I asked the ultrasound tech and she seemed sure of that date. We have been told for the last 6 months is was 12/11/09. This is important because this could potentially change delivery. Luckily, we were right! Thank goodness or I might have had an emotional breakdown right there! In the doctors opinion, I am very likely to be able to deliver on the 20th. I also wanted to know what kind of risk I was at for loosing this baby with all the information we have right now and my stats have significantly improved. 1-3%...although I know this doesn't guarantee ANYTHING. I got that 10% out of my head. However, we were in the low percentile risk with Beck too. Maybe hearing all of that information will help me get a full nights rest. Even with taking Ambien I am not sleeping well...I realize most pregnant people do not get much sleep now, but that just means more time to worry (nighttime is when my anxiety is at its highest). Last night though, I didn't even move until I woke up this morning at 6am. Incredible what a good night's sleep can do for a person.

When Holden got home from school I let him know that the baby looked great today and really healthy. The first thing he said was "Good then that probably means this baby won't die." It absolutely breaks my heart that he "gets it" even if it is on another level. He is concerned for this baby too and cautiously excited. Grace just said, "I just don't have that much excitement about baby today." So cute...I don't really think she has any clue as to what having a baby in the house will be like. We've been talking about it for nearly 2 years now. I am sure she is ready for this whole "baby" thing to happen.

If anyone came to our house today...you would really see no clues that we are hoping to bring home our baby in 16 days. Most of everything is still packed away, except for some diapers, wipes and a few clothes. The baby's room looks nothing like a baby's room. There is nothing "ready" just some primer on the walls. We hope to do a few more things to "get ready" this weekend.

The final piece...

We got a notice in the mail on Saturday that Beck's grave marker was installed. Within 15 minutes we were over there to take a look. I could not wait another minute. As soon as we got there tears immediately came, my stomach tightened, and my heart felt like it was in a vice grip. There lies the body of our little baby. There is the stone that will forever mark his place in a cemetery. Not exactly a peaceful feeling. I could not stop the tears from falling. The stone itself is perfect, beautiful and a proper marker for our little Beckett. There on his stone lay a Minneapolis 2009 Marathon Finisher Medal. Jamie ran her first full marathon on the anniversary of Beck's death. She ran the last mile in honor of Beckett. I know that she worked so hard training for that marathon. Lots and lots of hours of running...it takes a lot of focus and drive to not to say forget it...it is too hard. But she did it (as we all knew she would). AND to see her medal laying on Beck's grave was an indescribable feeling. A feeling that has no adequate words, just tears. Thank you Jamie! Here is a photo of Beckett's grave marker. We feel it is as perfect as it can get. Thanks also to Cory's mom and Keith for sharing the expense.

I love you little Beckett. I wish we were picking out Christmas gifts for you instead of something to mark your grave. We never thought in a million years that you would not be with us today. We love you more than you will ever know!

Baby was very quiet this morning and not easily aroused like he/she typically is. Of course, I assume the worst that baby is going downhill. So, it was great timing to have a morning appointment. Baby looked really good on the NST today. Grace and Cory came with and got to see where I have been spending some time lately. Another couple entered the room and we were separated by a curtain. The nurse could not locate a heartbeat on their baby. Obviously, you can hear what is taking place. My chest just got tight...I began to worry about them...I was praying that they would please find a heartbeat soon. Not more than a minute later we were taken off the monitor and taken out of the room. Obviously, it is none of my business but I really hope they were able to find a heartbeat and they were on their merry way.

My doctor said everything looked really good. We talked about delivery date and amnio for a little while. Apparently I will not be feeling so hot after the amnio so I am planning to be laying in bed the rest of the day with supper service:) We should find out that day if baby is mature. I hope and pray that it is because I think they will just need to knock me out if I have to wait a week (I shared that with my doctor:)

Right now there is a visitor ban at the hospital due to H1N1. I totally understand the need for this ban. I totally understand that our baby getting here healthy and alive is the most important thing! However, I'd be completely untruthful if I did not say I am extremely sad. The last time we were in the hospital it was a VERY horrendous situation. It was just an awful experience (to say the least). When we got pregnant again, I daydreamed about how this could be different. I envisioned the kids in the waiting room (as anxious as we are) to hear baby is doing great. I envisioned Cory scooping them up to tell them "You have a brother/sister!" I pictured them walking into the room and getting to see their little faces so happy and capturing it forever. I pictured all the people who have supported us for all of this time getting to share in the joy and some of the sorrow that will be. My doctor was pretty confident the ban would still be in place in 3 weeks so we should prepare our kids. That just breaks my heart. Just another thing I can't control. Obviously, it is for the benefit of everyone in the hospital and the babies who are at risk...I get that, but it doesn't change the fact that only our parents will be able to be there with us. No one else will be allowed. I guess let's just hope they stay healthy so we can have some visitors:)

I got a call yesterday from the monument people. They needed a final measurement of Beckett's hand to make sure the prints are the correct proportion. It was such a weird feeling. Measuring my boys hands. His fingers seem so long for a little baby. I have molds of his hands, they are slightly curled. I stick my finger through them sometimes and imagine him squeezing back. I just stared at his little hand prints...those prints will be etched into his grave marker.

Surprisingly, his stone is completed already (about a month early). We still don't know when it will arrive and be installed but I am guessing sometime this week. I put up this wall sometimes, a very sturdy wall, and I can talk about his grave marker like it is no big deal, but it really is. It is so final. Not that his death was not final, but placing something permanent into the ground. His name etched in stone, in a cold ground...forever...that is final. There is nothing else for us to do anymore. All the obligatory pieces have now been done, the final piece will be put in place shortly. So, that is it. It feels horrible.

At the same time I struggle with the finality of it all, there is this amazing little baby growing inside of me. This baby also occupies almost all my thoughts. I have tried to protect myself as much as I can...to be prepared for the possibility of bad news. That has been pretty difficult to try and do. Nearly impossible. I told myself I would not buy anything, I would not do anything to the room, I would not get my hopes up...I even have thought about what I'd bury this child in if we had to. I have thought about all the things I'd do differently or the same if this child were to die too. I have even gone so far as to picture another grave stone right next to Beckett's. It is morbid. It is icky. I hate it. But these horrible thoughts are right there with the visions of me holding our living baby for the first time, hearing he/she cry. I hate that this is my experience (or anyone else's). We have been robbed of ignorance. I just hope that in the end (assuming there is a happy ending) it will be that much sweeter. Right now I honestly feel as if I am on borrowed time with this baby. Each morning I feel the baby kick me, I am thankful to have some more time with him/her. Yes, i am counting down the days (24), but I am trying to remember and savor these last few weeks of being pregnant because I just don't know!

On another note, I had a NST done on Monday. Baby performed beautifully. The heart rate, which went from 125-150's, is supposedly very positive...funny, I thought that wasn't so good. I only had one slight contraction and the baby did fine through it. That is reassuring because I'd get a little nervous before that with every contraction the life was being squeezed out of our baby.

Keep a dear friend of mine in your prayers who is going through a similar situation that we did last October. My heart just breaks for them as I know the pain and know how loosing your little baby can change your world. My heart goes out to them...I wish there was something I could do to help. Hearing of tragedies similar to ours, and others as well, really fuels the anger that still lingers. Why? Why does this happen so often? What is the point? It is frustrating...infuriating...

I had another appointment today...I experienced a brief moment of pure fear. I was hooked up to the monitors (watching a Baby Story)...when my stomach tightened slightly and baby's heart rate dipped really low and there was no heart beat. I pushed the nurse button immediately in full on panic. Seconds later I realized that the monitor had just popped off. Baby was fine. After all of that fiasco...they needed to "stimulate" baby because it was not as active as they needed it to be. She brought in a vibrator of sorts and gave my belly a jolt on both sides. About 30 seconds later...baby was doing some tricks. It was quite comical when I got to thinking about it! All is well with baby today. Praying for 29 more days of good news...

A sneak attack

Saturday was supposed to be Beck's 1st birthday. The day snuck up on me. I knew it was coming...we just came off an emotional weekend so I thought it would just kind of float by. I couldn't sleep that morning and I came downstairs by myself to read the paper. Instead I just sat there and thought about what we should be doing.

I imagined myself hearing him whimper in his crib letting us know he was ready to get up. I'd go upstairs and quietly open the door and then a wide smile would erupt and I'd hurry over to his bed and pluck him out. I'd give him big squeezes and wish him a happy birthday. I'd probably twirl him around, tell him about the day we had planned for him. I'm sure he'd wiggle out of my arms to start exploring...me wishing he'd just sit and cuddle...him thinking I need to get moving, what mischief can I get in to. I pictured his special little birthday cake and him digging in slowly and then demolishing it...covered in cake from head to toe just like Holden and Grace did. We'd probably have some family over and he'd ripped through a couple of presents and eventually give up and play with the paper/boxes; which is always more exciting to a 1 year old. I tried to imagine what he'd look at as I stared at his baby pictures...I can't really come up with a face. It feels so unfair. It feels so sad. It feels just so wrong in every sense. It all feels like this incredible dream...I can't believe our little boy is dead. I can't believe we will never hold him again. I can't believe! But, I do believe because I feel his absence with every breath. I feel the emptiness that can never be filled by another person. There is ALWAYS someone missing.

On a much brighter note, Cory and I enjoyed our time away very much. It was so simple and so refreshing. It was great to just lay there...no worries, no pressure to do anything. And, to top it off the Vikings won in a nail biter! We ended the mini trip on a good note. It was great to sit at a quiet, clean bar and watch the game uninterrupted with delicious burgers. When we got back to town we stopped at Holden's cousins house where he was playing (so excited to see him). When he saw our car, there was not a wave or a smile, rather, his head went down, tilted to the side and his shoulders shrugged. He was disappointed!! He was having a great time and did not want to leave. We then went on the grandma's to get Grace and we got a little bit warmer of a reception but she was concentrating on her "art". It is easy to leave when you know they are having a great time back home!

This week I start the twice weekly appointments. Today is my first non-stress test. I hope the test goes smoothly so there isn't any need for further testing. I always get a little anxious when they are going to "test" the baby. I guess I am just waiting for bad news. If all goes well from here on out, we are keeping our fingers crossed to be able to meet Baby K alive and well in 32 days!

Holden has been so sweet through this pregnancy. He is so attentive and wants to take care of his mom. He seems to be really excited about the baby. When it is time to do my kick counts for the evening, I always go to my bedroom and watch a little TV...a little me time to focus on the baby. So far, the baby has been giving me 10 kicks in about 15 minutes so the down time is short lived. The last two nights, Holden has been joining me. He comes in and asks if there is anything he can get me like food or a drink. Then he will lay down beside me and ask me what kick "we" are on. He asks how long I have been counting...and usually rubs my belly or my arms. He is just too sweet sometimes. He is very serious and satisfied when I get to number 10. He knows that means baby is doing good. I have asked him many times if he is scared that something will happen to the baby and he always says "No." He just tells me he misses Beckett and wishes all four kids could be together. (Me too).

The kids are off school all week so they have had to run to appointments/errands with me. Today we saw my regular OB. We waited for nearly an hour. When we finally got to see her she told me she had 35 patients this morning. They were all supposed to be tummy checks but that was not so. I have a feeling some families got some horrible news today. It is just so sad that SO many families do not get the happy outcome they envision. It is devastating and my heart aches for each one of them. It is not fair. No one should have to come to terms with loosing their child/ren.

The appointment went good. Baby is measuring right on. Holden must have looked a little irrsistable because I causually stated that he was wishing he could see the baby but I had to tell him he'd have to settle for a heartbeat. My doctor told him she'd let him get a peek at the baby. She rolled in the ultrasound and we got a peek. She explained everything to him and printed him a picture. There is definitely a difference in resolution! I could barely make out anything except for the heart. I am at 32 weeks this Friday...yeah...just 5 more weeks to go, hopefully. From here on out I will be seen 2 times per week. I will be doing non-stress test 2 days per week and a doctor visit once. I just hope and pray that this will go smoothly and they will catch anything that might seem suspicious. I know they can't work miracles...there is only so much they can do and I can do...I just need to leave the rest up to God.

October 17th was supposed to be Beck's birthday. Hard to believe we would have had a one year old, little boy running around here. This was not planned to coincide with the date, but Cory and I are getting out of town for a day. We are just going to get away and relax, just the two of us. We are really looking forward to this alone time before (hopefully) baby comes. It is supposed to be a beautiful weekend and we are staying at a hotel with a beautiful lake view. The kids will be happy as clams at Grandma Karen's house with their cousins. Cha-ching! as Grace would say.

An eventful week and it's only Wednesday!

Lots of downs and ups this week. Lots of news...some sad some good. Some if it is not my news to share so I won't, but we have a few people in our prayers. My 90 year old grandpa fell backward down the stairs on Tuesday and broke his hip. He has had surgery to repair the brake, but it could be a tough recovery! Let's hope grandma and grandpas marriage can survive this!

We had an ultrasound this morning...not quite as exciting as the previous one. The machine they used today did not have the 4D capability so Cory did not get to see our little one up close and personal...bummer!The black and white seems so boring now. Grace got to come with today and she was excellent...she was very quiet (helps to have people she does not know well around:) The baby has finally turned head down after being breech for most of my pregnancy. I noticed a different variety of movements lately and that is probably the explanation. Baby's heartbeat and blood flow in the cord was perfect. The heart looked great again. The nose and lips are as tiny and cute as ever. I guess the biggest news is the percentile baby measured in today.....DRUM ROLL PLEASE....55%!!!!!!!! That is right 55%. A huge leap form just 2 weeks ago when we got the 8% measurement. This is quite a significant jump in growth. Some explanations maybe a different ultrasound machine, different ultrasound tech, baby has grown a significant amount (obviously)...So we are where the doctor would expect our baby to be with Cory and my measurements and previous kids birth stats. I don't even know how to feel about it...I was hoping for 10%. Of course I am overjoyed and more comfortable with that measurement, but I am a little shocked to say the least. With all the good news today I knew what the doctor was going to tell me...it is not necessary to be seen every 2 weeks at this point. SO, I will see them again in 4 weeks. I am at 31 weeks pregnant right now. That will be just 2 weeks before delivery. That means 6 more weeks to go! So next time it is likely will be my last visit with the specialists. To tell you the truth it makes me a little sad. I have come to really enjoy my visits there. They are a great group of people from the nurses, to the ultrasound techs, to the perinatologists...I have nothing but positive feelings for all of them.

I have not been sleeping well at all and it is starting to wear on me. I just simply can not sleep. I maybe get 2 solid hours in before I am up. I am going to try some Ambien to help. Let's just hope I don't sleep so sound I wet myself! The Doctor reassured me that it was safe and would not transfer to the baby due to the molecules being too big. My fear is that if it puts the baby to sleep I will be even more anxious than I am right now because movements will be decreased. I am going to give it a try and see how it goes. I can't continue on this way much longer.

One year...

I can't believe it has been one year since that devastating day. I really can't. Beckett was born at 7:35pm on October 4th, 2008. He was 7lbs, 8oz and 20 1/2 inches long. He had lots of dark brown hair. He was a beautiful little boy, whom I miss tremendously. My arms feel very empty today as I think of him. He would be one year old. Just starting to walk, maybe babble words, and making us laugh (probably even driving us a little crazy keeping him out of trouble). It hurts to think of all that we have missed and will miss in the future. It hurts to know my kids will never get to know their brother. This has been a hard year. Grieving is an ongoing process that does not follow a pattern. It can be frustrating, comforting, and leave you emotionally drained. Our little boy is in heaven, that much we know but all the unanswered questions are the hardest to contend with. Why...what is heaven like...was he scared on his journey to get to Jesus...does he see us...does he miss us...does he know how much we love him and are torn up over loosing him? We will not ever get those answers here on earth. You know how your child gets home from school or a friends house and you want some details about what they did, who they played with, what was exciting about their day? We don't get any answers. We just get to try and envision and trust. He is gone and their is no one to fill us in.

I had trouble sleeping this weekend...thoughts and visions of Beckett overtaking my mind, while a little one squirmed inside me. I woke before 5am today. I remember back to those first months waking so very early (like this weekend) crying. Not wanting to start another day without him. Trying to breath in the scent of him through his blanket. The day started easier than it did last October but the emptiness and heartache still very fresh and present. I could not attend church today. I am still angry. Today would have not been a good day to put myself through a service or socializing. Cory and my mom took the kids instead. Afterwards we went to visit Beck's grave...we brought fresh flowers and a fall arrangement. We released blue balloons with messages written on them for Beckett. The sun peeked out for a mere minute. Just enough to kiss our cheeks. We watched the balloons fly away through tears of sorrow. The kids certainly helped lighten the mood.

After my sister and mom left I laid down to rest. I got out Beckett's box and looked through it. I took the outfit he wore and tried to take in any lingering scent. I held his blanket in my arms. I read him a book that my sister read to him before his burial. I took out his hand and foot molds and traced them. I lit his candle. I sifted through the hundreds of cards and letters. I cried. I packed it up and wiped the tears. I hope he can feel all the pain in my heart which is just love for him. Our little boy...

I want to thank EVERYONE for the gifts, flowers, cards and e-mails remembering us this day. It is so thoughtful and means so much to all of us. A dear friend of mine also ran her first full marathon today in Minneapolis. Yeah for her! She dedicated her last 1.2 miles to the memory of Beckett. She has his name and date of birth/death on a t-shirt she wore. We were very honored that she chose him to get her through that last grueling stretch. She did it! Congrats...now a break from running so we can hang out!:)

Although this day is tremendously hard but not much different from everyday...it is a beautiful feeling to feel the newest addition to our family roll around and kick me. There is life after death. Through all this sadness and heartache a beautiful blessing grows inside me. We hope that in 47 days we will get to meet this sweet little baby. We love baby K so very much...we are looking forward to the future and what this child will bring to our family and families if we are so fortunate.

Thanks for all the support and prayers...

Last year...I woke up and started my day like any other. Around noon I noted that the baby was pretty quiet so far. I honestly figured it was settling into position and getting so big that there was not much room to move around. Around 2pm I started to get a little more anxious, but again justified the decreased moves to getting close to delivery. I packed up the kids and headed to the MSUM/Moorhead Spuds parade. Cory met us there. I started having the feeling that maybe something was not right (keep in mind I had no thought that what might be wrong is death). The baby hadn't wiggled throughout the entire parade and I was sitting on a curb, I thought it peculiar. I told Cory that I thought something was wrong. He shrugged it off and said the baby is so big now, there is no room. I remember eating supper and I was pushing on my stomach and thought I felt something...but, I still did not "feel" right. Cory and I spent that night working on the baby's room. He was painting and I was moving items to the kids room. I started to get pretty anxious at this point. I got online and googled a few things. I remember coming upon the word STILLBIRTH. I briefly read it and then passed over it. I thought I was just at the doctor, the baby has been healthy so far, I did not engage in any activities that increase the risk of stillbirth...that simply did not add up. BUT, the term kept flashing in my mind. I told Cory I was going to take a bath and see if that would stir up some movement. I sat in there for 20 minutes...nothing. Some panic settling in-the word stillbirth flashing. I got a glass of OJ and drank that and laid in bed...waiting...nothing. A little more convinced that something was not right (still not really even thinking death)...that wouldn't happen to us. I went to talk to Cory again, he said I was worrying about nothing. I always worry. I sulked back to my room...waiting...for something...thinking well maybe if I go to sleep the baby will be wide awake in the morning. Maybe I will go into labor early? Maybe baby was moving down and getting ready to make an early entrance? Yeah, that is it! It is my 3rd baby...that happens. The baby was just checked by my doctor and everything looked perfect!

The following morning...I woke...the baby did not. I remember being in what I guess might be called denial. Although, honestly...I did not think our baby was dead, but I knew something was not right...but what? We went to Holden's flag football game that morning at 10am. I was an anxious mess. I pushed and poked at my stomach. I tried to bend over to squash the baby to get in to wiggle. Nothing. I sat there for an hour in a daze and slight panic. Naturally, I called the person I always call with "kid" questions...Sherri. I asked her what she thought. She told me I needed to call the birth center. I remember saying, "Really, do you think something could really be wrong? I was just in to see my doctor." She said, "Something could be wrong, but it is probably nothing but call them and call me right back." I called and the nurse frightened me. She seemed shocked that I had not felt the baby move since about 5/6p the night before. She told me to come in immediately and get checked out. Cory was in the store and I was sitting in the car panic settling in. I was a little dazed, confused, worried, and thinking what if? We dropped the kids off at Cory's mom right away and went to the hospital.

On the way there we nervously laughed a little. We bantered back and forth. I told him he could just go with the kids to Brianna's b-day party and I could go to the hospital. He said, "I want to be with you Hol, what if it is something bad?" That is when it hit me. This could be something really bad. I got sick to my stomach. I felt like scared. I could not even imagine what was to follow.

Wednesday...last year

As I go throughout this week certain things stick out in my mind. This is the week I looked back on after Beck's death and wondered...what did I do that stopped his tiny heart? I have tried and have been successful for the most part of keeping those guilty feelings that I did something to cause this at bay. I could not ever bear the thought that it was something I did or a certain activity that compromised his fragile life, therefore because I can't deal with the pain of that I have tried to avoid it, but every once in a while it 'pops' up.

Wednesday of last year...I had a visit with my OB. Grace was with me. Just a tummy check. Heartbeat was strong. Everything was good. We discussed delivery and all of that stuff, including tubal litigation. Everything was ship shape, perfect!

I spent the night out with one of my dearest girlfriends. We didn't golf because either I was getting too large or the weather was not cooperating. I remember we went to Gymboree to spend our Gymbucks. I remember looking for things for the baby but not knowing gender puts a damper on most of that shopping. I considered purchasing Christmas outfits for Holden and Grace and then I'd pick up a matching one for baby after we found out boy or girl. I did buy one item for the baby that night and it was the sweetest knit pumpkin hat. I thought it would be perfect for Halloween. Little did I know Beckett would be buried in that hat just 6 days later. We also went to a movie that night and I over did it on the popcorn (with butter, of course). I had only 2 more weeks to "live it up". When I got home that night I got sick. I spent much of the night awake nursing a sick stomach. I often wonder if that was a sign that things were going down hill and I had no clue.

I believe this Thursday (instead of dates I am more focused on the days that coincide with last year) was the night that Beckett started to get weak and I missed all the signals. Maybe there were not any blaring signals, yet. I just remember that Friday was the day that I started to panic off and on, but obviously not enough to call the hospital and go in.

I hate the saying, "everything happens for a reason". I know I used it before Beckett died, plenty enough. It is a safe thing to say. It comforts people and yourself. If this statement wasn't true then that means bad things happen to good people, sometimes for no reason and that is too painful and makes a person feel vulnerable and unsafe. Well, I don't believe that saying anymore. I don't think God put Beckett here and took him so quickly to teach us something...I think that happens because of cause and effect. I think that sometimes there are accidents. I believe God knows outcomes to our lives but I think sometimes things just happen. I am sure that if there would have been a different scenario...let's say...I was doing kick counts and noticed a severe decrease in movement and we went in immediately...they would have seen that he was in distress...there would have been an emergency c-section...and he could possibly have been alright with some intervention. If scenario B would have happened I think I'd be saying "it was meant to be", "this happened for a reason." When something this tragic happens to your own child...it is too hard to ever think "this happened for a reason".

If I had one question I got to ask God...I'd ask "WHY?"

No cool pictures to show this week, but we do have some news to share. I had my Ob appt. today. Baby's heart sounded really good and my tummy is measuring right on. I am approaching the 30 week mark. So, of course I am getting antsy, anxiety ridden, tired, and I just need to have something to look forward to. I asked about the amnio and how that process all goes down...I told her I was concerned that we have the amnio and then the next day there is no room for me to have the baby (assuming baby is mature enough to make an entrance). She said, "We have plenty on time to schedule that." I think she sensed that wasn't the answer I was hoping for. I told her the closer we get to the end the more crazy I feel, even though I try to put on a front for everyone else. She said she knows me well enough to know that I am not okay right now. That deserved a giggle. So we discussed dates to deliver and all that good stuff. We had several options to choose from but we opted for an amnio on Thursday, November 19th and delivery on November 20th. If the amnio comes back with the results that baby K is not ready yet; we need to wait another painfully, long week and deliver on the 27th of November. Most important though is getting this baby will make it to the finish line and in our arms to stay.

It is absolutely a terrifying journey to be on. At the same time it is such a blessing and miracle. When the baby moves it is the most incredible feeling. I don't take 1 single kick for granted. When the baby keeps me up at night, I don't care, it is a sign that baby is healthy. We love this child so intensely (we love all of our children this way), but loosing Beckett has heightened the feelings. We know how precious life is and how thankful we are to have these wonderful kids in our life. They can never be replaced.

As I approach the anniversary of Beck's death, I remember the activities I was doing leading up to the week of his death. I remember how carefree and oblivious I was that my life was about to be flipped upside down. That our faith would be tested. That our sense of hope and excitement for the future was going to be stripped away. On this day one year ago, I was with Grace and her preschool classmates at the pumpkin patch. I remember that I was moving more slowly. Telling people when I was due and how excited we were. I worked on the finishing touches to the baby's room. This week will be an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. I am trying hard to keep all those emotions in check for the benefit of little Baby K.

4Dimensional pictures

ISN'T THAT JUST COOL! This baby has some bicepts!!!

The coolest thing...

Do you ever happen by those photos in magazines showing a 4D image of a baby inside their mother? I do...I always thought how cool would that be to get a picture like that...see your baby like that. Well, today was my lucky day! I feel guilty that it was something only I got to see, as Cory is in Baltimore. I got to see our baby in color, up close and personal!!! It was incredibly thrilling. It was surreal. I gasped when I caught a glimpse of baby K's face (well the mouth and nose) from what I saw it has a striking resemblance to Beckett. It had chunky little cheeks. I will post a picture when I have an opportunity (my disk drive is broken and Cory took his laptop). It was spectacular! The only way to describe it. Although, I do have a bone to pick with this young baby. It held its arm firmly in place covering his/her eyes and half of his/her face. The tech tried more than once to get a clear shot and the baby was being stubborn.





Here is the medical information. Baby was not in the 15% as I was shooting for. He/she was in the 8th percentile:( This is not bad news, according to the doctor. Baby is just small. The growth was on track just the way they would expect a baby in the 50% to do. Our baby's growth is just on a different scale. But, those numbers do allow me to see the baby more often. I go back for another ultrasound in 2 weeks. Maybe another 4D shot for Cory? I hope so! I feel spoiled. This doctor definitely would recommend waiting for an amnio at 37 weeks. SO that was a bit of a bummer. Each day seems like a mountain climbed and I am getting weary. They also conducted a biophysical (measures movement, breathing, and tone) the highest score is an 8 and little baby K scored and 8/8. So that was positive as well. I will return in 2 weeks to continue to monitor the growth of our baby. Being it is on the small side he/she will get some extra attention.



On another note, we ordered the grave marker for Beckett. I hope it turns out how I have it envisioned in my head. We get to see it before it is etched so we can still make some changes. Cory's mom and Keith are sharing the expense with us which we are grateful for. It will be a black stone with a cross and the his hand prints etched in the stone. The verse "Heaven will keep you safe until we are home with you" will be written along the border. Nothing out there could mark his resting place appropriately. There is no way to put all the love, sadness, tears, heartbreak, and beauty he has brought to our life on a grave marker. Holding that in our hearts will have to do.

I am tired of having bad dreams. I am tired of waiting for something bad to happen. I am tired of not sleeping for fear I won't know if the baby has died. I am tired of my constant friend...anxiety. I am tired. Sometimes I think 8-8 1/2 weeks isn't that long...we are not ready for what comes next! Other times I wish time was up and we would know what was in store for us. Can't I just be monitored 24 hours a day? I know I'd grow tired of that too. I use prayer to help me when I am feeling in despair and my prayers will be answered by a kick. Those kicks are great. They are comforting but Beckett was a big kicker and mover and he did not make it. There is no good answer...just patience and prayer at this point. My patience is definitely wearing thin. (I believe God threw me a bone when Grace started pooping on the potty...he knew I could only take so much before turning into dragon lady).


Cory and I talked about the October 4th...what will we do? It certainly is not a day to celebrate in my opinion. It was the worst day of our life. I won't need to sit there at his grave and remember that day and the events leading up to finding out his heart was no longer beating. Those thoughts run through my mind each and every single day sometimes 3 to 4 times. I remember crying alone in the operating room leaning on a sweet nurse while I got my spinal. I was scared out of my mind. Terrified of what was to come next. I remember getting sick and the anestitist trying to help me. I remember the defining silence as they pulled our baby from me...the lack of crying...the silence. The announcement "Congratulations, it is a perfect little boy!" The indescribable ripping of our hearts. There we sat broken. Wanting to wake up from this horrific nightmare. I remember them presenting that beautiful, still face to us. I could barely see through all of the tears. I remember going back to my room and digging down as deep as I have ever had to to hold our forever sleeping baby. The pain indescribable. The pain...unbearable. I relive those moments every day. I don't need a certain day to expose those feelings and memories. They are always there. SO, I don't know what we will do. I bought some flowers to bring there. We will probably release some balloons to the heavens just as we did on the day we buried him and on his due date. It seems a little lame to me but what else do you do?


On a lighter note...the kids are loving school. Holden says he has the best teacher in the whole world. He really enjoys her. He thought there was going to be a substitute teacher one day so he thought he would stay home sick. I am really happy for him. Liking your teacher can make a big difference.


Grace loves preschool so far too. She goes every afternoon for 2 1/2 hours. She asks all morning when it is time to leave for school. It certainly is different to have that time to myself. Although, I thought that sounded like a lot of time for me to get things accomplished, but it goes by very quickly! But it is great to run those little errands that I put off when the kids are with. It is also pretty fun to be able to go out to lunch with friends or my husband. It has been 4 years since I have been able to do that:) Grace attends a christian based school so they learn lots of stuff about the bible and Jesus. Cory told me she told him that when we sin we get a black heart but if we don't sin our hearts stay pink. She thinks she is sinning when she wets her pants. Cory corrected her and said that was not sinning. I think maybe we should go with the guilt:)! I know we all grew up with plenty of 'Catholic guilt":) Not necessarily all from mom and dad...the nuns and teachers at school used it on a daily basis:)


I have an ultrasound this week Wednesday. I am flying solo on this one so I hope there is nothing but good news. I am hoping for a 15% baby. I hope to walk out of there with a little extra hop in my step. Seeing our baby provides us with some reassurance...even if it is short lived. That hour is amazing.

I had another appointment yesterday. I was supposed to be seen by the nurse practitioner since my OB was on vacation, but they told me she came in to make room for a few patients and I was one of them. That was reassuring. So I saw my regular Dr., whom I must say I have grown a new affection for. She is just so good to us. She always takes her time to find out how I am doing emotionally and is very reassuring in covering the next steps. Heartbeat sounded great. This is the first appointment that it was easily found. Hmmm...does that mean it is getting bigger? My tummy is measuring right on. And I had the most clear urine of the day! Yeah for me:) I had a Coke before my appointment...not 6 cups of water. Coke gets the baby going and sometimes I need that to keep sanity.


We discussed the next months ahead and what my care will look like. Every two weeks with her from now until it goes to weekly. It was nice of her to offer weekly appointments but I declined for now. I will be seen weekly here coming up so I think I can live with that. We discussed delivery. Such a terrifying thought. My doctor recommends a amnio at 37 weeks, she think 36 is a little early. I explained that we certainly did not want our baby to be in the NICU. After all we have been through, in a perfect world, I imagine us being in the hospital room with our little bundle...everyone being able to hold him/her and for him/her to be able to come home with us. The thought of that just brings immediate tears to my eyes. Could we really be bringing this baby home with us? Can we allow ourselves to believe that without being completely crushed? I guess we will see where this takes us, but if we go with the 37 weeks (she did mention my mental stability-if I can hack 37-so it could still be negotiated at 36) we are looking at November 20th or the first part of Thanksgiving week. FYI to family-the Klinnert's would not be traveling anywhere for the Thanksgiving holiday:) Too much to think about yet but it is kind of nice to have an idea, however, baby could have it's own plans and not be ready to make an entrance that soon.


It is extremely hard to believe that the year anniversary of Beck's death is approaching. Even more shocking sometimes is what else is going on in our lives. I guess I never would have dreamt that we'd be expecting another baby within a month of Beckett's due date of October 17th. IT IN NO WAY is a replacement or even something that we expect to heal us. There is nothing that can take that pain of loosing Beck away. There is nothing that can fill the hole that is left in his absence. There is nothing that can take away those memories of my time with him. There is nothing that can erase the hell we lived through, especially around the day he was born. We will always grieve our little boy. We will always feel like we are missing something. BUT, I do believe there will be some hope restored. I believe we will feel the joy a child brings to your life. I know there will be struggles and heartache along with all the happiness. I can't even begin to start reading all the literature on parenting after a still birth or child loss. I know that brings it's own set of issues. BUT, we are thankful for a huge support system that will help us through our trials and celebrate the accomplishments.


BTW, Grace just came down to tell me Spike and Arthur, their only pets, died!!! Yesterday she overloaded them on food and I told her she would kill them if she fed them all of that food. I did not make the time to clean the tank after the "excessive feeding" yesterday as Grace and Holden both told me I should have done...now they are dead. Crap! I guess we will be having a burial tonight. I am sure I will be blamed for their deaths as well. Not good timing, given our circumstances (they still think it might have been something I did that caused Beck to die). Wish me luck!:)

We have HUGE news to announce! Saturday night Grace pooped on the potty!!! Woohoo...repeat action on Sunday. It was a glorious weekend. I can't even explain the joy and the triumph after 2 years of working on it. FINALLY! One might think it was a big battle but it was as easy as pie and something we have coaxed her with hundreds of times before. We were out for a nice family dinner. Grace felt the urge and I had nothing packed for her. I just said "Well, you could poop in the potty and then right after supper we can drive to Target and buy you a Webkin?" There was no reaction just the typical, look away and ignore me. Then about 2 minutes later she was like "Okay, I will do it but we will go right after and get a Webkin?" "Anyone you want!" She ran into the bathroom...sat down and within a minute or two we were out of there. Simple as that. No crying, no fighting, just huge smiles and a mom dancing in the bathroom of Mexican Village (craving Pollo Fundido). We bought the Webkin and we were one happy family! Then to top it off...the next day I was on the computer and I asked Grace if she was ready to leave with me. She said "Just a minute mom I have to go poop on the potty." I about fell off my chair!!! She did it again. We went to Target and she picked out a special toy. Then she started naming off all the other things she was going to get after each poop. I will go broke! I am willing to do this for a short while and then we need to come up with another plan. Right now I figure it is the co-pay to see the child psychologist:) I know this may not continue but we will fight hard to keep this our "new reality"!


We are approaching the 28th week! Yes, we have almost made it to the third trimester. As the time goes on more anxiety settles in. I know it is just the reality of the situation. I take time out of my day several times and count baby kicks. The baby has given me quite a few scares and kept me up worrying many nights. (I am sure this will be a theme). I try to be thankful for everyday the baby is with me. I appreciate every movement and kick. I don't take one for granted because I know it could be the last. Talk about living in the moment! I have come to the realization that no matter what the outcome is...if this baby does not make it, I will want to have as many moments with him/her as I can. If this baby makes it, it will feel like an absolute miracle. I pray (many, many times a day) that this baby stays healthy and makes it into our arms living and breathing.

An emotional week...

This week threw me a few curve balls. My emotions went whack! After the ultrasound, seeing the babies face so clearly...hearing the baby is in the 12% percentile...trying to clean out Beck's room for the newest addition...the mess strewn throughout the house...it all became a little too overwhelming. It has been a long time since I was in such a dark place. While organizing and purging I came across a story Holden wrote for school. It was called Beckett's Garden. I don't recall if I has seen it before. I think it was just tucked into end of the school papers. He illustrated it. It made me so sad, sad for him to lose his brother he wanted so badly, sad that the kid tries so hard to not let people forget that he has a brother. He is such a sweet and sensitive boy (well most of the time:). That sent me spiraling into what I felt was out of control. I can't even describe the unrest I felt and how it affected me physically. I felt like throwing a huge temper tantrum! Such a combination for things taking place at the same time and it can become overwhelming and come without warning.

My sweet husband came home to sit with me for a while. He even planned to cancel his afternoon of golf off to sit with me. For Cory, that is a big deal! I forced him to go out and enjoy the day with his friends. I just needed that reassuring hug at that moment...to calm me. I miss my baby boy tremendously. I want the baby I am carrying now to make it here...healthy. I want all four of our children with me. It is just a combustion of many emotions and thoughts...trying to sort them out and put them each in perspective but they are all so intertwined it makes it difficult.

I am grateful that I was able to pull myself out of my slump fairly reasonably in order to accomplish my goals of clearing out baby's room and "super" organizing the kids room. Not that it is going to last...each bin neatly labeled and every little toy put into a "specific bin"...no, it is too good to last, but I can hope:) Can you tell I am trying to gain control over something?:) The baby's room is cleared out! Ready for Cory to prep the walls for paint that two of my good friends have volunteered to paint after baby's arrival. And if this baby does not make it? Well, there is a blank slate for me to write angry messages all over the wall, maybe even a few holes:) We have never had a "gender specific" room so we are going to pick two colors and themes and see what we have and then take it from there. Everything except for the crib and dresser will be redone. I just can't have any of the "same" it is just too painful. Beckett's crib was not up when the tragedy happened so I do not connect him with the crib, but everything else will be different.

Grace and I went to have some "girl time" yesterday. She wanted to go to Target and look for some kind of miniature puppies (didn't I just donated 10 boxes of stuff to Goodwill?). We each got a snack and drink and took our time. She is just too adorable when she shops. She has many of rock and roll type shirts picked out. She grabbed one that had a vest attached and was so excited about it but they did not have her size. I found a Very similar one and she looked at me and crinkled up her nose and said "No Mom". I had a flash forward moment! We went to the baby section to pick up a few things. Grace chose everything pink, of course. BUT, I had a 1st with her...she said "but it could be a boy so we better wait. I'd like a boy too, mom. We just want it borned!" Hallelujah!!

When we got back from the store I went out to visit Cory who has been hard at work all weekend scraping and painting all the trim on the house. I told him of the things we bought for the baby. Funny, (well not really funny) thing is I don't really even believe that we will have a baby to hold. I took account of how much time we had to return items. I thought myself silly for even purchasing the things I did because are we really going to be able to use them? I think it is a defense mechanism as we get closer and closer. I can clearly remember getting to this point with Beckett. We were so excited...impatient...ready! We could possibly be at 10 weeks to go and counting! The fears are coming more fiercely. At those times I take a rest and wait for my baby to move. I talk to him/her. I push to find the little body and imagine holding it in my arms. That is comforting...enjoying the moment and trying not to focus on the outcome. A friend and I talked about that last night. She had her share of troubles and loss...and when her baby was finally given to her she couldn't believe it. It took a while to sink in that she was here and healthy! I believe I will have a similar experience. Until I see our baby and hold it, feel it breathing, I will not believe it.