A sneak attack

Saturday was supposed to be Beck's 1st birthday. The day snuck up on me. I knew it was coming...we just came off an emotional weekend so I thought it would just kind of float by. I couldn't sleep that morning and I came downstairs by myself to read the paper. Instead I just sat there and thought about what we should be doing.

I imagined myself hearing him whimper in his crib letting us know he was ready to get up. I'd go upstairs and quietly open the door and then a wide smile would erupt and I'd hurry over to his bed and pluck him out. I'd give him big squeezes and wish him a happy birthday. I'd probably twirl him around, tell him about the day we had planned for him. I'm sure he'd wiggle out of my arms to start exploring...me wishing he'd just sit and cuddle...him thinking I need to get moving, what mischief can I get in to. I pictured his special little birthday cake and him digging in slowly and then demolishing it...covered in cake from head to toe just like Holden and Grace did. We'd probably have some family over and he'd ripped through a couple of presents and eventually give up and play with the paper/boxes; which is always more exciting to a 1 year old. I tried to imagine what he'd look at as I stared at his baby pictures...I can't really come up with a face. It feels so unfair. It feels so sad. It feels just so wrong in every sense. It all feels like this incredible dream...I can't believe our little boy is dead. I can't believe we will never hold him again. I can't believe! But, I do believe because I feel his absence with every breath. I feel the emptiness that can never be filled by another person. There is ALWAYS someone missing.

On a much brighter note, Cory and I enjoyed our time away very much. It was so simple and so refreshing. It was great to just lay there...no worries, no pressure to do anything. And, to top it off the Vikings won in a nail biter! We ended the mini trip on a good note. It was great to sit at a quiet, clean bar and watch the game uninterrupted with delicious burgers. When we got back to town we stopped at Holden's cousins house where he was playing (so excited to see him). When he saw our car, there was not a wave or a smile, rather, his head went down, tilted to the side and his shoulders shrugged. He was disappointed!! He was having a great time and did not want to leave. We then went on the grandma's to get Grace and we got a little bit warmer of a reception but she was concentrating on her "art". It is easy to leave when you know they are having a great time back home!

This week I start the twice weekly appointments. Today is my first non-stress test. I hope the test goes smoothly so there isn't any need for further testing. I always get a little anxious when they are going to "test" the baby. I guess I am just waiting for bad news. If all goes well from here on out, we are keeping our fingers crossed to be able to meet Baby K alive and well in 32 days!