I have not written for a while, I just realized. As you move along in grief, I think it becomes harder to pour your heart out. Some of the thoughts are just so repetitive. Some thoughts I hold close to me and do not share. And at at this point you wonder about other people's judgement and some things are just so difficult to put into words.

I think most people will be glad to know that I can now pray for our family, along with other people's families. It is kind of funny though, towards the end of my silent prayers I find myself having a one sided conversation with Beckett. I ask him why I have not felt him physically for a while. I ask him if he thinks about us or watches us and ever longs to be held in our arms or by his brother and sister.

The kids were excited to see a path plowed out in the cemetery and asked if we could drive in there and look for Beckett. Of course, Holden calls out I see I can see where he is. We really need to get something out there so we can see where he is. I am thinking, I know, I know...Then Grace says in a very sincere manner. You know what mom, it is really sad that Beckett died. She is really absorbing all of this nearly 5 months later. Obviously, she does not know the enormity of it, but I think she is starting to genuinely miss him, even though...she really wanted a girl:)

I think about picking out grave stone a lot. I have looked on the Internet at some different ideas. I know who I need to call, but I can't bring myself to do it. Nothing seems perfect or unique enough for him. It is all to standard or frilly. The finality of it is so very painful. We did not know we were having a boy. I bought him a couple of things for his coffin. A nice, warm blanket and a gold cross. The only other thing I get to pick out for him is a grave stone. So at this point, nothing seems good enough. Nothing can really reflect how much we cherish him and love him. I think I will just have to suck that one up though, head stones are never that cheery or rarely do they tell a story. And I really want him to have something more than the generic funeral home marker.

Lucky me, I get to work in the infirmary today. Holden is home sick so we are all here sick. Except Cory, he is at work sick. I told him no school, no hockey or basketball tonight. I think we might be having a little disagreement later this afternoon (Holden not Cory:).

If there is anyone out there...who has advice...for a mom and dad who are potty training an (almost 4 year old) for one year...who knowingly can use the toilet, but just chooses not to depending on "how she is feeling"...please enlighten me. We have tried just about every possible reward, system, punishment, consequence...yesterday I think I made her change about 5 bottoms. We had a nice little snuggle and talk last night about how she was going to do it right the next day. She looks at you with those big, beautiful brown eye and puts a hand on each cheek and gives you a big kiss. You want to believe, but you know better. Boy are we in t-r-o-u-b-l-e!!! I am afraid I might resort to the tying her underwear around her neck method. That method has taunted me all my life, mother:)!

I want to thank the people who have recently wrote to us or sent us a card. It really does mean a lot. Don't ever doubt, should I-should I not...people that are in grief are comforted by the caring words. You never know when a person might open that note or e-mail and how it can change mood of the day.

On another off note, this morning at breakfast...the kids announced that they want to plant a garden for Beckett. I just wrote about that Monday. Grace wants to plant snapdragons and a rose. They want to make some homemade stepping stones. Holden thinks daisies might be a good choice. I just wonder where these thoughts develop, but they warm my heart. It makes me feel good to know that they still think of Beckett a lot too. I just don't want him to ever be forgotten. He is a part of our family and still is. He has changed all of our lives.

There was a friend of ours, well I met him through Cory, who died when Holden was pretty young. He died of cancer, way too young and so full of life. He was one of those people who everyone considered him a best friend because he had a unique way of making you feel like you were the coolest person in the room. Anyway, I remember something from one of the eulogies given by his sister. She said Geoff's biggest fear was not dying, but people would forget that he was still here. That really struck a cord with me then and now. I kind of feel like keeping Beck's memory alive will keep him near us. I think that thinking of him all the time will keep him here with us. I think looking at pictures of him and talking about him will keep him here.

The family all left...sick...we all got sick except for my dad and Bill. Cory, Grace and I laid down for a nap. We feel a little better now. Grace did not want to sleep. She put on her PJ's though and laid with us for a "pajama party". We put on a movie for her. Thankfully she fell asleep too, and is still sleeping! We had a good weekend. No one has been here since October. It was great to have everyone here.

We talked about having a spring planting party...that would involve making the special garden for our little boy. I am excited to plant it. I think it will be good to have something that I can care for and nurture. We have quite a few items waiting for their home in the garden.

On a side note...my brother, Jason, had made a beautiful wind chime with a wooden cross hanging down inscribed with Beckett's name and birth date on it. He hung it in screened porch (it is pretty protected). We also have our hot tub in there. Many times since his death we have been sitting in the tub and I always look over to it wishing it to ring, but it doesn't, unless Holden goes over there and gives it a push. However, two weeks ago (it was extremely windy out), we were all in the tub and the chime rung once. It did not ring again even though there were plenty of gusts to make it chime. I have to think it was little Beckett, swooping in for a little family time. An old roommate of mine lost her grandfather while we were in college. I remember her telling a story about a bell ringing (randomly, I believe). I remember the little saying, "Every time a bell rings an angel gets his wings."

The rain has helped melt away some of snow in the last few days. I can see some grass here and there. I volunteer on Tuesday's at Holden's school for this little reading thing and on my way home I decided to "swing" through the cemetery. Let me just say, it is awful to have your child there (as if most people could not guess:) I just sat there and stared toward his grave site. I just sat there and remembered back to the day we went there to bury him. All those awful, dreadful feelings came immediately back and have decided to settled down stay for a little while. I just remember all the sobbing and staring at that little white box...wanting to open it and take him out of there and shake him. Wake him up! Wake me up from the horrible nightmare. When it was time to bless his little coffin...it was so painful. It was not peaceful for me...comforting-no...I was just angry, devastated and with an indescribable sadness in my heart. I just rested my head on his coffin and sobbed, Cory right beside me doing the same. I didn't want to let go. I thought I was going to die of a broken heart right there.

I struggled yesterday...I think it is because I conceived Beckett at about this exact time last year. I have been having a pity party for myself since yesterday afternoon. I will make a conscious decision today to put it behind me. It is not easy to grieve at this point with your children present. That kind of hurt is gone for them and I think they would wish it was gone for me too. Yesterday Grace gave me her little stuffed doll. She said, "Here take this baby instead of Beckett." Anyway...this pity party will end today. I am starting to feel pathetic.

On a MUCH brighter note. My sister and her family and my mom and dad are coming to stay with is this weekend. We are very excited to have them here. It is a real treat when they come to visit. It will definitely brighten my mood! Can't wait to have you. I have not seen any of them since early January. It will be good to have some company.

Changing the settings must have worked since a few responses came back. Good=)



Here is a visual for your day. Grace and I went to the mall across from where Cory works (he is on the 7th floor). Grace wanted to call him so we could wave to him. So we are outside on the sidewalk. I am carrying my purse and 2 bags and talking on my cell to Cory and Gracie spots Cory and gets very excited. The next few moments we a little blurry. i am not sure why I crouched down, I think maybe it was to be on her level to see her excitement. But, there we were waving and then all of a sudden out of nowhere she barrels into me from the side. I think he intention was to jump on my back, but what happened was mommy went flying. The bags dropped to the ground, I hit my knees...at the same time I was still on the phone with Cory who was watching the whole thing!! From up there it looked like she tackled me and took me down. So of course, I am laughing...Grace is a little shocked...and Cory is laughing. I quick looked around to see if anyone else witnessed this hilarious display-the coast looked clear. I actually fell hard enough to skin my knee. No worries though, we got back home and Grace played doctor and I got a little sab (salve) and band aid. Cory also got one on his forehead before he went back to work after lunch. Good times! It still makes me laugh.

Holden got to play a short (2min) hockey game between a period of the high school hockey team last night. He was SO nervous. I felt bad for him:) However, he was pretty fired up when he was out there. I love to see him so excited about something. The varsity team lined up and the kids skated onto the ice between them...very cool!

I have been thinking this week how different our life would be right now if Beckett were here. He would be 4 months this week. I can't believe that so much time has passed. I can't believe how far I have come emotionally in that time. I am still sad and a bit depressed...but I definitely have more highs than lows. Granted, that can all change rather quickly if I were allowed time to think about Beck without a ton of interruptions. I am so thankful for my children and how they have helped me plow through this. There are times when I do get frustrated and I just want to think about him all alone and with no interruptions. That can be a real challenge...to not get angry when I want to be self-absorbed.

There are quite a few people who try to leave messages but they can't. I am not completely sure of the reason but I changed a few settings and maybe this will help. So if you want you can try again sometime and see if it works.

I have talked about things I have learned from Beckett's death. I learned to love more tenderly and freely. That is something that is hard to do when you are under the blanket of grief. You want to isolate and protect yourself, but doing that will only hurt more down the road. I know the depths of my love for my kids. I love them more tenderly and patiently. That is a gift. A gift Beckett gave me. I just know how precious their life is and how quickly the future can change. It is something I always imagined I'd know...but I did not really realize it until now.

Another gift from him...I get to love him in a way that is (painful, yes) but with no regrets. I did not ever get frustrated with him. I never told him, "Not now, I am busy". I never yelled at him for something he did. I get to love him as a pure, innocent soul. I think that is a gift. I get to love him and when I get to be with him again someday, I can just hold him...rock him...and tell him how much I love him and missed him. I don't have to apologize for anything I regretted.