The prayers must be working. It seems to feel less scary around here. There are still many possibilities of trouble arising, but we feel so much better about the situation and hoping to get back into our disaster of a house. We are so thankful that so far so good. Things appeared pretty grim on Thursday. Keep the prayers coming there are still a lot of things that could happen. We are still concerned about our friends and neighbors and hope they stay dry. And there is always that possibility of sewage backup-eww!!

We really need to thank our hostess and host. Steph and Gregg Gess have been great!! We are starting to feel a little bit bad about invading all of their spaces. We did not want to leave town and we wanted to stay on the east side of the river. They have been very wonderful to us. We owe them! The kids have had a blast playing with each other so far:)

We really hope to be out of the Gess's hair soon. We are really hoping to get to be able to move back to our home in the next couple of days. We will keep everyone posted.

Thanks for the concern and prayers!!

Please pray for the people in this area. No precipitation would be ideal and snow is better than rain. It is ABSOLUTELY amazing to see all of these people here to help! There are so many college students, older people who probably should not be working this hard, and lots of couples and families lending a hand. It is hard not to be anxious and worry when you see all the business going on outside your door. I am really worried for the neighbors. We really hope their dikes will hold the water back. Lots of great people in this area!

People wonder how they can help...some people can't do the physical work but you could offer to watch people's kids so they can get out there and help. Karen and Keith came over and watched the kids and Andrea's kids so we could work. I could barely walk last night, but amazingly I can walk!! We hope to head out again tonight if we can find a sitter. Well, at least one of us will be:)

Church today was a little emotional again for me. I thought I had gotten past all that...only the occasionally sound of a baby would tug at my heart. I was all fine and good until I noticed a little boy sitting directly in my view. He was maybe 3 months old...peering around. He gave his mom and dad a few smiles. I started to cry. I just pictured my little boy with no life in him and then I imagined him in my arms smiling at me. It is in those moments when it takes so much strength to hold in all the emotion...who wants to make a scene. I thought about walking out a few times, but really what purpose would that serve? This is our life. A life we need to adapt too. I can't run away and think that pain will then go away, because it does not. It is here to stay. What I need to do is learn how to make my mind say...cute little baby, so sweet...but all I think of is our little guy...all that should have been, all that could have been. I think of what was taken away. I think of how unfair it all feels. I think how incredibly wrong it feels to have Beckett's body in the ground and his soul in heaven. This new reality for us is an incredibly hard one to digest. It is hard to remain consistent in thought. My feelings about all of this can change day to day...hour to hour...I just wonder how long it takes (or if it ever happens) for my emotions to be consistent and feel peaceful. That is one thing I don't believe I have felt yet...I have not felt at peace yet. There were maybe some fleeting moments in time. I wonder if it has something to do with not knowing what happened in my womb, how he died. It was just a tragedy with no answers.

5 months have gone by...

I thought I needed to commemorate the passing of 5 months time with a short entry. I can not believe that it has been five months. There is something too those milestones. Everyday sometimes feels like a milestone. With the milestones comes some saddness. I always think of what he would be doing now and how big he would be. My heart still aches to have our little boy with us. Sometimes I think to myself, wow, that really happened. With that amount of time that passes...I just can not believe how far I have come emotionally. There are still moments where my anger takes over or the saddness. For instance, I received a survey in the mail and they state that they only select a very small amount of people. So naturally I scribble in large, capital letters. "My baby died before birth. Please remove me from all of your lists immediately." And I put it in the no postage necessary envelope and mail it off with some satisfaction. I could have just thrown it in the trash. And then there are times when I am amazed at what a long way that I have come in my grief. I believe with all my heart that we never, ever would be here right now as sound as we are...without all of the amazing people who stood by us. I also truely believe that meeting another mom suffering the same loss...has brought me so much further along in this process. I believe God has a hand in putting people where we needed them to be. So after all that sap...I will leave you with a little kid story...

I decided to do a workout video Cory's sister gave to me (it is a good one, very doable). It was not more than 5 minutes before I had a workout partner, Grace. She is with me doing the moves with just her pink Elmo underwear (typical attire while at home). She decided she needed a little more traction and put on her pink boots with the fur. So she is by my side in her calf high boots in her undies doing lunges, jumping jacks, and jump rope. How is a girl supposed to keep her composure? That kid is one fine specimen. I wish I had a few stories of Holden but he is just "too cool" to do quirky things:)

Another one is sick, this time it is Grace's turn...we went to Paradiso for Cory's sister's birthday last night. She fell asleep in my arms around 7p. When we got home she had a 103 temp, we jostled her awake for some medicine. She was as groggy as ever, drooling-but in Gracie fashion had a smile on her face for us. I was expecting an early morning wake up call but she did not come in until 7:30!!! She had a big smile on her face and was looking so much better:) Holden was reveling in the "alone" time with mom and dad. Of course, I had to tune into the Bachelor...the suspense who will he choose but then not choose:) Holden and Cory watched it with me and I had to shush them more than a few times. We let him stay up a little later to see who got the ring. I forgot to tell him that on the after show he took the ring back and chose the other girl!

I did find a couple of grave markers that caught my eye...it is so hard to even start this process. What to have inscribed, picture no picture, quote no quote...and then talking to someone? I wish this could just all be done without having to face someone and discuss it, but I want to do it...I do not trust it to anyone else. I keep asking myself, "Is it really that big of a deal?" For some reason, it is.

I am really hoping that the warmer weather approaches soon. I think it will really lifts my spirits. I am feeling really dull. A little empty. A little angry.