This weather, seriously...could we see some sun and feel some warmth? I think the weather is getting me down. I just finished reading an entry on a blog written by a husband whose wife died shortly after giving birth. The things he writes about transcends into our situation...granted totally different circumstances...but it resonates with me. The loneliness and knowing someone is always missing from your life, each day. I miss Beckett each and everyday...all day. I try to always tell myself, he is here...he is still right here. Even those are words I believe it does not lessen the sting.

I hope to get this slide show completed soon. I need to steal my hubbies computer and transfer a few pictures...not easy with a bum disk drive. I shared the unfinished version with some family...immediate tears. It is hard to watch his short life in pictures and not feel robbed of something so wonderful.

I am working on a slideshow of Beckett to share with all of you. I am trying to put it to music as well. Of course, I am not that technically inclined so I was hoping to have it posted around Easter time. That is the way it goes though:)

The sunshine has been a tremendous boost for spirits. I sat outside below Beck's wind chime 2 times this week and it rang. It pains me that he is not sitting out there with me in the physical sense, but a great feeling that reminded me that he is always there.

Easter had a very deep meaning for me this year. Of course it was difficult to get the kids dressed up and take a picture knowing that I was missing one of them. I felt the promise though of hope and everlasting life. I felt it that evening.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! We hope to be spending lots of time outside.

So an incredible urge overcame me today to go visit my boys resting place. The snow looked to be melting away enough so that I could get to him. I know exactly where he is but I had to dig and dig with my bare hands and kicking snow away with my foot (which happened to be coated in mud). It felt good to go after it, releasing a little pent up anger. There his little marker covered in a few inches of water. Big machinery was working on a clay dike just to my backside as I crouch there feeling lonely, angry, incredibly sad and feeling a helpless feeling. I think the 6 month thing is creaping up on me and tearing out my heart again. The difference from then to now is I am more easily distracted. I feel like I have more control over it. I know when I leave the house in 5 minutes to pick up Gracie I will have it all pulled together with a smile on my face-delighted to see her.

My life feels so drastically changed. I never thought I'd be visiting my baby's grave instead of waking him up from his morning nap so we could pick up Grace. This sucks...

6 months since we last held you.

Dearest baby Beckett,

My sweet little angel. Your sweet little face I miss so much. The pain in my heart is immesurable. I felt like such a fool today. We were walking into church and Pastor Kathy called for me to let me know she was thinking of me yesterday. I nodded and said "thanks" with a smile on my face. I had to think...was I doing something special yesterday? What in the world was she talking about? Was she just letting me know that she was thinking of me just because? I sat down still trying to figure out the significance when your dad leaned over and said, "Beckett died 6 months ago, it was the 4th of April." "WOW!" I can't believe several people were thinking of me (us) and I was not even thinking of us. I felt like I betrayed you. We were so busy yesterday and it just slipped by me. But it hit me there in church and I tried to hold back the tears. I wanted to leave and just be alone with my thoughts of you and cry. I couldn't let myself do that though because I could never pull it together and go out there and face everyone. The pain is so raw sometimes. I sat there though, and a million flashes went through my mind. It was like little flashbacks to that day. Snapshots. Cory and I trying to see the ultrasound screen. The sound of the laptop snaping shut quietly. The words I am sorry. Your daddy and I walking into the hospital to deliver you. Sitting in the bed getting prepped for surgery. Getting the spinal in the OR and remembering how calm and utterly devastated I was. Hearing "Congratulations a beautiful baby boy". The painful sobs let out in hearing those words. Holding you and not wanting to ever let go. Holding you trying not to gaze too much at you for fear of my heart breaking even further. Facing that fear and taking a long hard look and falling into pieces. All of that can run through my head in a minutes time. I can feel it all over again. Beckett, I miss you so much and I daydream of you with me every day. I honestly do not think that there has been a 15 minute period when you have not crossed my mind. It does not matter what I am doing thoughts of you are always there. I am guessing you kind of know that in some way. I love you little buddy. I know someday I will get to hold you. Just know that your mommy and daddy miss you more and more each day.

Love,
Mommy

Friends of ours dropped off a card and some stones for Beck's garden today...remembering us in that way is so touching. Thank you!