Here is the latest update on baby #4.

Unexpected glucose testing today-yuck! But, happy to do anything to maintain the health of this baby. Holden felt this was a incredible inconvenience to him though. This will probably be the last time he gets to hear the heartbeat as school starts and he won't be able to come with. The heartbeat was at 138 this week. I asked my Dr. about the baby being little and what she thought of it. She said I was measuring at 25 weeks (ahead of schedule and way ahead of the original due date). Basically told me not to worry about that. Everything seems to be growing. We asked her to give a guess as to the sex of the baby but she would not...does that means she knows?:) Everything checked out good. The next appt is on the 2nd of September with the specialist and we get another ultrasound.

My grandmother, who has had 12 children of her own, has predicted that we are having a boy. Due to my back expanding?!!??! Thanks g'ma! Her actual percentage of accuracy has not been computed but she tends to be right more than wrong. At this point...I am leaning towards a girl and so is Cory but I am not sure why that is. I can tell you we have girls names picked out but zero for boys. We better get cracking. If I get to deliver at 36 weeks then we are looking at 11 weeks to go.

The kids and I got to spend Wednesday until Sunday with my mom and dad. One last hurrah before school starts and we see them less and less. We had planned on camping and fishing but the weather was not cooperating. Instead, the girls did a shopping day and the boys went to the farm to mess around. Holden brought back a box of "treasures or antiques" as he likes to call them. I call them hideous, stinky and clutter! To each their own. We got some weird birds on a wire, a horrendous seashell and flamingo night light that would not fit in a shoe box, a ceramic squirrel that holds on to two nuts which serve as salt and pepper shakers, a few straw hats...ahh the list goes on and on. And to compound that I let my dad take Grace and Holden to the farm-without me a second time-and they collected even more "treasures". Lots of laughter for those who know me and how much I hate clutter and things that take up space (much less these "beautiful" treasures). Mom and dad may get some paybacks! Holden even buckled them in on the ride home to keep them safe.

On Saturday, there was a Schneider reunion at the farm my mom grew up on. The kids thoroughly enjoyed themselves and the freedom of the country. They let cows lick them, Grace tried to ride the dog, and they had a few hayrides. The kids loved it! We had a fun time. My sister suggested that I let the kids stay with her until camping next weekend. We have an annual camping weekend next weekend with all of my siblings and their kids-such a good time (also my dad's 70th b-day)! Holden could not do it because he has a few activities this week he really should not miss and Grace-well she is simply too young and too attached!! Well she had other plans. She was determined about going to Sherri's for the week. I, on the other hand, did not think it too wise as she would miss me way to much and she would miss her daddy. She told me she was going to stay at Sherri's. She suggested I keep a diary of how much I miss her and leave a note about when her bedtime was. She also said I could text her whenever I wanted, or e-mail. After much deliberation and a call to ask Cory if he'd mind, I gave the dreaded okay. I trust Sherri 110% but I know how painful it would be for me.

I packed my little darling up on Saturday night and reluctantly sent her off. She gave me a sloppy kiss on my arm and away she went. That is 6 nights without my little girl...9 nights away from Cory-the longest period of time ever for both of us. She is our little sunshine. She has a huge smile for us to start each day. Lots of kisses and hugs. Many funny stories. A giggle that is contagious. She is really missed, but she is having such a good time. I don't know that she will ever want to come home! She has been to the spa, swimming, movie, out for slushies, out for ice cream...who else knows! You can bet the 3 hour drive to the campsite will seem like forever and there will be fighting over who gets the first hug and snuggle.

In the meantime, Holden is soaking up being the "only" child this week. He has grandiose plans of what this all could mean this week. So far though, we golfed...went to TCBY...went out for lunch...he accompanied me to my appointment...he got to help mow lawn...certainly not what he was envisioning I am sure! We are pretty lucky to have this opportunity to have him all to ourselves. Who know when this will ever happen again. As for Grace, I know she is in good hands and enjoying her time as well. I am sure this will be a good thing for her. She does everything with me and the baby will no doubt infringe on that time together. This is good for both of us (at least that is what I am telling myself)!

A peculiar thing happened...

This morning was a beautiful one! Sun was shining, it was cooler, a slight breeze...a perfect day to air out the house. The kids and I made an impromptu stop at the park for a little chasing around before lunch. It was just so beautiful out. It actually reminded me of the day we buried our sweet little baby. That compounded with a call for the monument person set those emotions in motion.

I was pushing Grace on the "baby" swing. She says it is safer:) Her giggle makes my heart so warm. I thought about how Beck would be old enough now to sit up in one of those swings. I pictured him sitting there with a big gummy smile enjoying the breeze on his face and the thrill of being swung back and forth. Of course, tears are dripping down my face as I smile thinking of how much Grace enjoys being pushed as high as she can go. Then Holden comes over to join us on the other swing. I get him started and they laugh together. In the meantime, I am looking to the sky daydreaming while keeping the two going. I am thinking of Beckett and how dearly I miss him. The song Glory Baby pops into my head and I hear the words so clearly. It dawns on me that there are some lyrics in that song that may be just right for his headstone. As I am crying, absorbed in my misery and loneliness wondering if his spirit is around us at the park...I realize that Holden and Grace are having that very conversation together. They were talking about how his is always around us. Holden thinks that if we go to China or something he wouldn't be there. Grace corrects him and says he is all around us and he lives in our hearts always. Holden decides to agree (amazing). I just thought it peculiar that without me mentioning a single word out loud to the kids were thinking of him too as they swung just as I was. I am so proud of them. I am so proud of who they are. I am so proud and thankful they are ours.

Last night we decided to go have supper on a patio of a restaurant. Grace playing a game with me that I was a teacher and her and I could ask each other questions. Of course she asked me when I thought Grace would poop on the potty. There were other silly questions. Then I asked her "are you excited about having a baby in the family? Are you going to hold it? Are you going to give it lots of lubbies?" She replied, "Yes, but mom (she got serious) what if the baby dies?" Those are questions I struggle with in my heart. That same thought runs through my head 20 times a day. It is just so sad that everyone is excited...we have waited so long it seems...but we are guarded. Afraid. Untrusting. It is just so utterly draining. I try so hard to not let those feelings overcome me. Sometimes I am successful, other times I am not. However, I do know it is normal. Anyone that has lost experiences these same feelings. I am thankful I have those people to lean on when I need the support.

Meet baby #4

The top photo is Beckett. There is definately a resemblence:)

We got some good profile shots today. You can see his/her hand smacking it's head. It must be one of ours! We had another ultrasound to view the heart and check growth. I saw when the ultrasound tech measured baby's melon that it was small, but I wanted to hear it from a doctor and not my own observation. We must have waited about 25 to 30 minutes for the doctor to come in. In the meantime what does a patient do? After about 20 minutes of laying their waiting...I noticed the ultrasound machine was still on and there was still goo on it. I have to say I am pretty good. I located the head right away!! Such a cute profile...much like the other 3. I joked about peeking between the legs but I would have no idea what we were looking at anyway. I just fooled around a little bit. I put the wand down (external:) and picked it up a couple of times for another peek. Cory made a knocking sound and I about crapped my pants. I thought I was going to get caught playing with very expensive equipment. That was the end of my experimentation. The doctor came in and took a quick look himself. He said that everything appears to look great. All the organs look healthy. The baby is still in the low percentiles.

Last time we were there I remember hearing that if the baby was not in the 20th percentile there may be cause for concern. So of course my mind goes there. Baby has had some growth but remains on the lower end where he would expect a baby (with parents our size) to be in the 50th percentile. He still did not seem to be too concerned about it yet. He said when I hit 28 weeks and it is still in those lower ranges then there will be some concern. However, he did say I could just be followed up with by my regular OB from now on. I questioned that since we were told otherwise and that I understood that we would be seen there as well until the birth of the baby. The part of me that gets upset is because Beckett was just fine!!! He did great throughout the whole pregnancy. He looked perfect. Everything was in order and appeared completely healthy and then something happened and he DIED!! I just want to scream it. He agreed with me and said we could definitely be monitored with them from here on out. He did not read previous notes that we would be followed throughout by both my OB and these specialists. Whew! It just makes me feel better to know that we will be doing everything we can to get this baby here alive.

Please pray for some more growth and for the continued health of this baby.

There has been a request for a couple more pics of the kids, so here you go!I am not bias but Grace poses for pictures and Holden refuses...so I am limited to action shots at a distance of him. He was hard at work trying to catch minnows and Grace was chillin' on the beach.

A few cute stories of the kids. Grace was asking me what the word lame meant. I really had no good answer for her without using "bad" words so I told her lame means kinda silly. She thought about that for a while, questioned me...I blew her off. Then she says, "Mom you are so lame!" We laughed and laughed. Then I told her what it really meant and that we should not use that word...it is a big kid word.

Sweet Holden story. Grace and I have an early appt. Wednesday morning (poop Dr.:) so Holden is going to get up and go with Cory to work that morning. He was so excited...who would have thought? I kept telling him it'd be like 7 more days. He keeps asking me when it is going to be, for the 100th time I said WEDNESDAY MORNING! Anyway, he asked me for his new backpack (briefcase style). He came down the stairs with the laptop in there!! How cute, just like his daddy. Then he said, "Well I should probably throw in a notebook or something." He get that all in there. Then he decides he needs to pick out an outfit to wear (he was contemplating a dress shirt and tie). Just when I think he is all grown up he does something like this and it is just too adorable. So he is all packed up and ready for his hour with daddy in the office Wednesday morning. I hope it is all he dreams it will be:)

New baby is moving so much more now. Cory was able to feel it give a good punch last night. Every time I tell him to give me his hand the baby stops moving so last night he finally got to feel little nubin again. I was up around 6 this morning (not by choice) but the baby moved around for about 2 1/2 hours. I think that is the longest stretch of movement. Holden got to feel his little brother/sister this morning for the first time. He was all smiles. I am feeling a little more confident going into this weeks appointment the there will have been some steady growth. The heart still makes me a little nervous...just because it does no real reason. Part of me wishes we would have decided to have an autopsy performed and that maybe we'd have some answers. Not knowing what happened sometimes makes me think it was something to do with his heart (even though there were no indications of that). But still the thought of anyone touching our little baby in that way makes me feel ill. So, I guess it was the right choice.

We stopped by Beckett's grave the other day to water the flowers. The kids have a new favorite place to hang out! There is a water pump and bucket...a new discovery. So they proceeded to water people's flowers at their grave sites. Very dark humor, I know, but it is kind of funny. So those that rest at the Evergreens Cemetery near Beck's grave have been taken care of as well.

I had some alone time on Saturday morning (1 1/2 hours to be exact). I realize how little of that I have at times like those. Anyway, being alone gives your mind this time to think and cry. I am so emotional when I am alone. I think everyday is so busy and all this stuff needs to get done when it is just me and me alone to deal with the gloves come off and I am vulnerable and sad. I just can't shake the fact that this still all feels so wrong. Not me being pregnant, but that Beckett is not here. It feels like something is always missing. There is always this emptiness that will never be filled.

Here are a couple of pictures of the kids at our annual Cragun's trip. The weather was a bit on the chilly side but we still enjoyed our time very much. The kids just love it there! Grace wanted to stay for 11 days. We did many things together and still got a little time for ourselves too. We enjoyed a little golf and the girls went for a spa treatment that was wonderful! I had a pregnancy massage. I was able to comfortably lay on my stomach with the help of a special pillow. Oh, how I miss laying on my stomach:)

Everything we did there I imagined doing it with Beckett. He sure is missed. It hurts so bad to know that we will never get to make any memories with him. We just get to imagine what joy and fun he would have brought to our lives. I miss our baby so dearly. I still think about him ALL of the time. I imagine what he felt like in my arms and I try to go back there but it is so damn painful that I need to stop myself. Sometimes it seems as if it were all a dream. That it never really happened, something that awful could have never happened but it did and it makes me so ill to think about it.

But as I sit here thinking about it little bambino is giving me delicate kicks. Oh, how I long to meet this baby and hold her/him. Smelling their head. Having them nuzzle in and make little noises. I know it will be an incredibly joyous moment...with some sadness in remembering our little baby boy and how still he was. I just pray that we will have a little baby to hold and take home with us in just over 3 months.