Our little baby girl...             

    Holden, Grace and Liv      

    Family picture

All pooped out!!!

A moment of peace to make an entry...I love the chaos three kids brings. At times it is bit challenging but it is nothing we can't handle. It has been a month since Liv was born. Hard to believe how fast it has gone by. The holidays certainly sped things along. She is gowing so much. She is filling out in the legs and the face mostly. She is an absolute joy. She is the best baby. She rarely cries and if she does it is very short lived. She grunts alot...which makes everyone laugh. She probably gets kissed a minimum of a 100 times a day. She gets told she is loved all the time. I think we all appreciate her a little more than we would have had we not experienced the pain of loosing Beck. I am grateful for that gift. Having a living, breathing baby just seems so miraculous.


Liv is a constant reminder of all that we missed out on with Beck. There is definately a saddness for Beck when I care for Liv. In the first months after loosing Beck I really struggled with the thought of his body in the ground. I came to a place where I no longer perseverated on that. I just pictured him as a little angel with very fluffy wings. Now, as I look at Liv, I am noticing that struggle resurfacing. It all just seems so impossible and unnatural. There are a lot of feelings I am having that did not expect-good and bad. I have not felt guilty...I thought I would...I feel like I have been given a gift and I need to be the best mom I can. I need Beckett to see all the love that he would have been given. In a way, it is my way of memoralizing him. Thinking back to those first few months...how much I longed to hold him, feed him, be up in the middle of the night with him, smell him...I am taking all that pain of what I missed and giving it to Liv. I am embracing all of it...cherishing it. That time is special and I will never get it back.


The week leading up to Christmas I was getting the holiday blues. There was definte excitement of having Liv with us this holiday...it was more than wonderful. But, there was definately someone missing. My heart ached for Beckett this Christmas. I pictured him among the mix of everything. When I looked at pictures of all of us together I couldn't help but picture a little one year old boy too. I wish I could say I got everything I wanted for Christmas...but I will never have all my heart desires. When we took a family picture...I wonder if it will ever feel like a complete family. I am guessing that does not change for anyone that experiences a profound loss. There is always that missing person. I just need to figure out how to be content with our reality. I need to find that peace...I need to figure out how to let go of the anger...I need to figure out how I can accept loosing Beckett.

Despite the holiday blues leading up to all of our celebrations...the celebrations were wonderful! We had a great time with Cory's and my family. We left on Wednesday to make it my parents home to avoid the winter storm. We made it to Watkins in one piece. There were some very sketchy road conditions, basically the whole way. When we hit highway 55 we basically could not see the road at all. We were grateful to pull into mom and dad's driveway and unwind from the white knuckle drive:) My knuckles were definately white (Cory did fine:). The snow was great for the kids. We made snowmen, had a snowball fight, and the kids went sledding. Grandpa even made a large pile of snow with the tractor for the kids to climb on. The finale of Christmas was just perfect...my brother and dad took Grace and Holden ice fishing and they watched John catch a big Northern. He even fillet it so Holden could bring it home. Holden and Grace sat and watched and also got a biology lesson! I thought Grace would be totally grossed out but she was totally into it. At one point she said, "I can't wait for him to cut his head off!" Should we be worried??? We still have one more Christmas to celebrate. We will be headed to Fergus this weekend to celebrate with Cory's extended family.


I hope you all had great Christmas celebrations!

Having a newborn in the house and only 2 hands equals not much spare time to catch people up! But, I would not trade it for anything. Liv continues to be a little bundle of joy. She is a big sleeper and is asleep most of the day and at night. She is pretty consistent on her awake times and fortunately it works out well for us. Cory and I are lucky to get about 2 hours of awake time with her when the kids just head off to bed. I dreamed of these days for so long...

Liv fits right in. So far the kids have adjusted great, as if she has been here all along. This might change when she is awake more and demands more of my time. Right now she is content to be held by all of us or easily lays down for a nap (which is not too often:). It is difficult for me to put her down for a nap. I definatley feel like I am giving her all the attention I'd give her and Beck combined. It is my way of being able to care for him too. I hope he watches us and sees how much love and attention he would have been given.

I am feeling the holiday blues. It is hard to admit that when I have a beautiful little girl here with us this Christmas. She is a blessing and I am so grateful that she is here. But, it does not take away the hurt that Beck is not here with us all too. It hurts that there are no presents for him under the tree. It hurts to think of where his little body lays. It hurts that he is not in our arms too. Having Liv has just opened the wounds. I love her with every fiber of my being...but sometimes I look at her and think holy crap...we really buried our little baby boy. The reality of that slaps me in the face sometimes. I know that it is real but sometimes it feels like that was just a dream. But then the horror of the reality hits you.

Sometimes I watch Liv sleep and I see Beck's face. And sometimes I get scared...wondering if she will just stay sleeping one of these days. Sometimes I see him so clearly in her and I am comforted. Sometimes I see him and I see his still little face. That just kills me. Holding Liv and feeling all the happiness and pride...thinking to Beck and remembering all the saddness and hurt...it just isn't right. It will never be right.

I wish I could say that I have everything I want for Christmas, but that would be a lie. I want to say that my life feels so complete...our family feels complete, but there is still this huge hole there. I wish I could fill it. We will have a great Christmas and we are so excited to have our little girl here to share it with us. That makes me very happy. I am so lucky. I really am. I just wish Beckett was here to share it with us too.

On another note, I really hope we make it home for Christmas. The predicted snow could cause a problem. I so want to introduce Liv to all the family that has not met her yet.

Happy Holidays to each and every one of you!

It has been a while since I have updated my site. I feel a little guilty that I have not shared more than one post since Liv has arrived. We have been busy and have had lots of company helping us. I have recovered very well so far. My mom is here this week keeping the house in order, keeping our laundry baskets empty, filling our home with smells of fresh bread, carmel rolls, and yummy food. She has been a tremendous help and I love getting to spend this time with her, especially when we live so far away and miss out on this stuff. I am so glad she was able to do this. It always makes me sad when my family needs to leave because I know how fast Liv will grow and how much they miss out on, but I am thankful for the time we have now.

Liv is so precious. She is just a snuggly, tiny bundle of joy. She melts my heart. I could stare at her all day long. We are so lucky. I cherish every moment with her. She has definately contributed to some healing of hearts in this house. My heart still aches for Beckett. I ache for everything we missed out on with him. I look at Liv and I picture Beck laying there on my chest. I imagine the sounds he would have made and how he would feel in my arms. I try not to let my mind go to the places it sometimes wants to go...thinking of him...picturing him and the way he came into this world. A baby should never die. You should never have to bury your child. To me it is almost more sad now...holding Liv and being reminded of how great life should be after the arrival of a newborn...it should not be any other way.

With the difficulties in dealing with loosing Beck after the arrival of Liv, oddly, nothing diminishes the utter happiness and joy that Liv has brought to our lives. Having a child after a loss is by far the most amazing experience. I appreciate everything on a different level. I feel giddiness like I have never felt before. I feel on top of the world sometimes (more so when my pain meds kick in:). I genuinely feel happy. Despite loosing Beck, I feel happy again. I don't think I realized what a depression I was in for the last year. I didn't realize that I could feel this amazing again. I feel like Liv has begun this unexpected healing.

Ever since Liv has arrived I have slept peacefully every single night. I have had no nightmares. I have had no anxieties. I have had no worries. I just sleep. Maybe this will all come crashing down and if it does I guess I expect that, but right now in this moment...it feels amazing! It also helps that Liv only gets up once at night and twice the last two nights. She is just a very easy going, quiet baby thus far. She rarely cries and if she does it is more of a little whimper. She calms very quickly.

Thanks for all the cards, e-mails, and gifts...it is just so exciting for us and we appreciate it all so much. There is no proper thank you to everyone. We are open to visitors so please stop by in you wish. You might want to call first just to make sure we are here, but I am feeling great and we are all so excited to show her off!

Here are a few more pictures of Liv...

IT'S A GIRL!!! Liv Harper Klinnert weighed in at 7lbs 1oz and was 18.5 inches long. She has a cute little double chin and a round tummy.

Sorry for the delay in post but we have been just reveling in the fact that we have another child. What a ride it has been. It still does not feel real at times. Our baby made it here safe and sound and screaming at the top of her lungs.

She was born at 7:30 am by c-section. It was an intense time for us. It was a combination of many emotions. Even as they were working on getting baby out I still did not believe this was actually happening. It all went so fast. To hear her screaming loud and clear was a surreal moment. When I saw her I was overwhelmed with emotion...lots of tears and the weight of the world lifted off my shoulders. Cory and I just could not believe it. We still are trying to comprehend that she is alive and is coming home with us.

She is the sweetest baby, who is loved by so many. We have enjoyed holding her and cuddling her. She has spent very little time in the bassinet. Mom and dad have been taking turns holding her and just soaking her in. She is beautiful. She shares physical traits of both Holden and Grace. She has the same head of brown hair that Beck had. She has similar cheeks to Beck. She also has a dimple on one cheek. We are blessed. We are so thankful. We are so happy. I feel so calm. The anxiety and stress has disapated. The kids are very excited about the newest addition. Holden is very serious and sweet with her. Grace is so excited to have a sister and loves to touch her. This is such a happy time for our family.

I will have to go into more detail at another time. I just wanted to get a picture up and share the good news.