Our little baby girl...             

    Holden, Grace and Liv      

    Family picture

All pooped out!!!

A moment of peace to make an entry...I love the chaos three kids brings. At times it is bit challenging but it is nothing we can't handle. It has been a month since Liv was born. Hard to believe how fast it has gone by. The holidays certainly sped things along. She is gowing so much. She is filling out in the legs and the face mostly. She is an absolute joy. She is the best baby. She rarely cries and if she does it is very short lived. She grunts alot...which makes everyone laugh. She probably gets kissed a minimum of a 100 times a day. She gets told she is loved all the time. I think we all appreciate her a little more than we would have had we not experienced the pain of loosing Beck. I am grateful for that gift. Having a living, breathing baby just seems so miraculous.


Liv is a constant reminder of all that we missed out on with Beck. There is definately a saddness for Beck when I care for Liv. In the first months after loosing Beck I really struggled with the thought of his body in the ground. I came to a place where I no longer perseverated on that. I just pictured him as a little angel with very fluffy wings. Now, as I look at Liv, I am noticing that struggle resurfacing. It all just seems so impossible and unnatural. There are a lot of feelings I am having that did not expect-good and bad. I have not felt guilty...I thought I would...I feel like I have been given a gift and I need to be the best mom I can. I need Beckett to see all the love that he would have been given. In a way, it is my way of memoralizing him. Thinking back to those first few months...how much I longed to hold him, feed him, be up in the middle of the night with him, smell him...I am taking all that pain of what I missed and giving it to Liv. I am embracing all of it...cherishing it. That time is special and I will never get it back.


The week leading up to Christmas I was getting the holiday blues. There was definte excitement of having Liv with us this holiday...it was more than wonderful. But, there was definately someone missing. My heart ached for Beckett this Christmas. I pictured him among the mix of everything. When I looked at pictures of all of us together I couldn't help but picture a little one year old boy too. I wish I could say I got everything I wanted for Christmas...but I will never have all my heart desires. When we took a family picture...I wonder if it will ever feel like a complete family. I am guessing that does not change for anyone that experiences a profound loss. There is always that missing person. I just need to figure out how to be content with our reality. I need to find that peace...I need to figure out how to let go of the anger...I need to figure out how I can accept loosing Beckett.

Despite the holiday blues leading up to all of our celebrations...the celebrations were wonderful! We had a great time with Cory's and my family. We left on Wednesday to make it my parents home to avoid the winter storm. We made it to Watkins in one piece. There were some very sketchy road conditions, basically the whole way. When we hit highway 55 we basically could not see the road at all. We were grateful to pull into mom and dad's driveway and unwind from the white knuckle drive:) My knuckles were definately white (Cory did fine:). The snow was great for the kids. We made snowmen, had a snowball fight, and the kids went sledding. Grandpa even made a large pile of snow with the tractor for the kids to climb on. The finale of Christmas was just perfect...my brother and dad took Grace and Holden ice fishing and they watched John catch a big Northern. He even fillet it so Holden could bring it home. Holden and Grace sat and watched and also got a biology lesson! I thought Grace would be totally grossed out but she was totally into it. At one point she said, "I can't wait for him to cut his head off!" Should we be worried??? We still have one more Christmas to celebrate. We will be headed to Fergus this weekend to celebrate with Cory's extended family.


I hope you all had great Christmas celebrations!