When Beckett died, I am not sure I would have come out of it so well had it not been for Holden and Grace. Holden was sensitive to all that was happening. He was always there for a big squeeze or to hand me a tissue when I'd be crying. He'd mention Beck everyday. He'd ask to go to his grave. He made pictures with Beckett in heaven with Jesus. He let me be emotional and he'd be emotional with me. He always reminded me that Beckett was every bit a part of this family as he was. He was great through it all. Grace was the polar opposite. She was upbeat and reminded me that life needs to go on. She'd make me laugh at my darkest. She'd interupt my pity parties and demand my attention. She let me know that it scared her to see me cry and feel so awful. She tried her hardest to get me to forget Beckett. She'd even say some mean things that I know she did not mean but rather she was trying to get our life back...our happy life...our carefree life...a life when mommy was there for her. In her mind, Beckett caused this upheavel in our safe and happy home with his death and she did not like it. Wow! How confusing that all must have been for her in her mind. And then there is our little Liver Beans...she plays such a tremendous role in our healing. That is a big role for such a little girl. A role that one day she might think unfair. But as it is right now she is a little ray of hope, sunshine in our day, someone to stare at and touch when I am feeling blue, a little being that gets more attention then she probably cares to...

Liv has noticably affected the kids. She makes Holden happy. I can see when he holds her that he has all this love for her. He has waited for a sibling for so long. She has made it okay for him to talk about Beckett freely because she heals some of that hurt. Grace has done a complete turnaround. Maybe it is her age...maybe it is Liv's presence...but she talks about Beckett now more than ever before. SHe talks about him with a smile on her face. Somehow Liv has made it safe for her to express her true feelings for her brother. They both always talk about how we have 2 boys and 2 girls. They say we are a family of 6 with pride. Grace frequently talks about Beckett being near us--floating. No matter where we are she will comment on where he is in the room.

Last night we went out to eat to celebrate Cory's 38th (yes, 38th) birthday. The kids were so happy. They just love birthdays! After we sat down with our food the kids were feeding Beckett. They made room for him at our table. While some people might find this odd (okay I'll admit I thought it was a little strange:), it is their way to solidify his place in our family. Very concrete, yes...but also enduring and sweet. He ate a chicken fry for the record:) CHicken fry? Why yes, we really step it up for birthday meals!! We visited the Pizza Ranch:)

Our birthday's always tug on my heart for some reason. The one gift I wish I could have given Cory is his little buddy back. It is so hard to believe that almost 16 months have passed since we had to say goodbye to Beckett. While taking care of Liv's dripping nose the other day it reminded me of those final moments with him. I remember wiping his nose a few times and I just could not handle it anymore. I got scared. I don't know what I thought would happen...but we decided it was time for them to take him. That was an awful decision, one to this day can throw me into a complete puddle. ***break for tears and a nose blow*** I knew I would never see him again except for in pictures. That ripped my heart out. Literally, that is what it felt like. I remember loosing it emotionally. My heart felt like it was pulled through my chest and shredded, stomped on...I never, EVER want to experience that kind of pain again. EVER! It is amazing that people live through that and on top of that smile again. I am more resilient than I ever thought I could be.

Lots of thoughts going out to people today. Those who recently had to say goodbye to their babies forever, those friends of mine who are missing their little boys, those who are desperately waiting for their little ones to arrive safely and for another friend who said goodbye to her little girl 3 years ago.

The photographer who took absolutely B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L pictures of Liv posted some on her blog. A very touching glimpse of our story was shared on there are well. Check it out at rialeephotography.com! If you ever want the best experience and photos you will for sure love make an appointment. I have yet to place my order because it is so hard to decide.

LIv continues to do great but she is experiencing some reflux which is unpleasant (for all:). There is a lot of projectile vomiting taking place. You never know when it will strike. She gets a cute drunk look on her face when she is done letting it all out. Thank goodness I have a very abundant milk supply!!

People always ask who she looks like and I can can't honestly say who she resembles...it depends on whose baby picture you look at. It is a perfect combo of Holden, Grace and Beckett all rolled into one. Sometimes I have to admit I get a little freaked out when I see Beckett sitting there. When I am delerious at nightime feedings sometimes I see him whimpering there and it just breaks my heart. Of course I know it is Liver Beans (one of her many nicknames) there but I see him and I want to hold him. I want to comfort him and tell him everything is alright. I can't believe I never got that chance.

I think of him a lot. I wish I could have a glimpse into his life now. It just kills me that I have no idea and I just have to trust. Sometimes I think my Grandpa Oster has him in his lap. Sometimes I see him with our friend Geoff being tossed in the air. I have come to the realization through talks with others who have lost someone so significant, books I have read, blogs I follow...that I will never get over this. I will never be peaceful with this. I will never be able to look at his photos without feeling the knife in my heart. On the outside it looks like everything is getting better. On the inside I am still really vulnerable and hurt. I am able to see the blessings in my life, but loosing Beckett is so monumental and devastating.

I have learned some coping strategies and they do work. Whenever I am feeling down, I give myself the moment I need and then I think of all the other people in the world who suffer. Someone always has in worse and I able to put my pity party aside and be thankful. Watching the news these last few days is a great example. I don't think I can look at one more photo of the children affected by the earthquake in Haiti. It breaks my heart. Speaking of that, Pout Boutique in Fargo is accepting NEW clothing for infants and children for donation, which will be sent to Haiti. A bonus is you will recieve a 25% off coupon for your donation. Please consider dropping off some items for those children and families who have lost everything.

And to sign off....GO VIKINGS!

My surgery went great today. I thought this might be the best place to let people know who have been thinking of me. I don't think I even mentioned that I was having another surgery on Beck's blog. The nasty vericose veins that made Beckett's pregnancy so difficult and ended in a sugery to remove them made an appearance with my pregnancy with Liv (they were supposed to gone). It was just my luck that they developed on the left side of my body and ended up thrombosed again...so it ended in yet another surgery. We had to be there at 5am...hmmm...3 kids 5am what to do? I have some great friends. All it took was one phone call and I had someone willing (even offering) to come over at 4:30 to watch the girls. Holden was excited to sleep over at a friends house and hitch a ride to school. I am so thankful to have all of these people in my life.

While I was recovering before being released this morning Cory got a phone call from Holden's teacher. He had a sad look on his face. I guess Holden was not himself in school today and wasn't taling much. His teacher asked him what was the matter and he said he was worried about his mom. Tear. Melts my heart. I was able to talk to him and tell him everything was okay and I'd be home when he got back from school. I feel horrible that he was worrying about me...such a kind hearted kid. Grace on the other hand was ready for me to race her up the stairs as soon as I got home. This could be an interesting taking care of her while I recoup:)! I am much more sore than I thought I'd be but thankful to have my old friend hydrocodone back for a few days. Yippee! I am not an addict but I certainly welcome the happy place my friend takes me for a few hours:)

Well sitting is not the most comfortable position so I am going to sign off for now...