Baby was very quiet this morning and not easily aroused like he/she typically is. Of course, I assume the worst that baby is going downhill. So, it was great timing to have a morning appointment. Baby looked really good on the NST today. Grace and Cory came with and got to see where I have been spending some time lately. Another couple entered the room and we were separated by a curtain. The nurse could not locate a heartbeat on their baby. Obviously, you can hear what is taking place. My chest just got tight...I began to worry about them...I was praying that they would please find a heartbeat soon. Not more than a minute later we were taken off the monitor and taken out of the room. Obviously, it is none of my business but I really hope they were able to find a heartbeat and they were on their merry way.

My doctor said everything looked really good. We talked about delivery date and amnio for a little while. Apparently I will not be feeling so hot after the amnio so I am planning to be laying in bed the rest of the day with supper service:) We should find out that day if baby is mature. I hope and pray that it is because I think they will just need to knock me out if I have to wait a week (I shared that with my doctor:)

Right now there is a visitor ban at the hospital due to H1N1. I totally understand the need for this ban. I totally understand that our baby getting here healthy and alive is the most important thing! However, I'd be completely untruthful if I did not say I am extremely sad. The last time we were in the hospital it was a VERY horrendous situation. It was just an awful experience (to say the least). When we got pregnant again, I daydreamed about how this could be different. I envisioned the kids in the waiting room (as anxious as we are) to hear baby is doing great. I envisioned Cory scooping them up to tell them "You have a brother/sister!" I pictured them walking into the room and getting to see their little faces so happy and capturing it forever. I pictured all the people who have supported us for all of this time getting to share in the joy and some of the sorrow that will be. My doctor was pretty confident the ban would still be in place in 3 weeks so we should prepare our kids. That just breaks my heart. Just another thing I can't control. Obviously, it is for the benefit of everyone in the hospital and the babies who are at risk...I get that, but it doesn't change the fact that only our parents will be able to be there with us. No one else will be allowed. I guess let's just hope they stay healthy so we can have some visitors:)

I got a call yesterday from the monument people. They needed a final measurement of Beckett's hand to make sure the prints are the correct proportion. It was such a weird feeling. Measuring my boys hands. His fingers seem so long for a little baby. I have molds of his hands, they are slightly curled. I stick my finger through them sometimes and imagine him squeezing back. I just stared at his little hand prints...those prints will be etched into his grave marker.

Surprisingly, his stone is completed already (about a month early). We still don't know when it will arrive and be installed but I am guessing sometime this week. I put up this wall sometimes, a very sturdy wall, and I can talk about his grave marker like it is no big deal, but it really is. It is so final. Not that his death was not final, but placing something permanent into the ground. His name etched in stone, in a cold ground...forever...that is final. There is nothing else for us to do anymore. All the obligatory pieces have now been done, the final piece will be put in place shortly. So, that is it. It feels horrible.

At the same time I struggle with the finality of it all, there is this amazing little baby growing inside of me. This baby also occupies almost all my thoughts. I have tried to protect myself as much as I can...to be prepared for the possibility of bad news. That has been pretty difficult to try and do. Nearly impossible. I told myself I would not buy anything, I would not do anything to the room, I would not get my hopes up...I even have thought about what I'd bury this child in if we had to. I have thought about all the things I'd do differently or the same if this child were to die too. I have even gone so far as to picture another grave stone right next to Beckett's. It is morbid. It is icky. I hate it. But these horrible thoughts are right there with the visions of me holding our living baby for the first time, hearing he/she cry. I hate that this is my experience (or anyone else's). We have been robbed of ignorance. I just hope that in the end (assuming there is a happy ending) it will be that much sweeter. Right now I honestly feel as if I am on borrowed time with this baby. Each morning I feel the baby kick me, I am thankful to have some more time with him/her. Yes, i am counting down the days (24), but I am trying to remember and savor these last few weeks of being pregnant because I just don't know!

On another note, I had a NST done on Monday. Baby performed beautifully. The heart rate, which went from 125-150's, is supposedly very positive...funny, I thought that wasn't so good. I only had one slight contraction and the baby did fine through it. That is reassuring because I'd get a little nervous before that with every contraction the life was being squeezed out of our baby.

Keep a dear friend of mine in your prayers who is going through a similar situation that we did last October. My heart just breaks for them as I know the pain and know how loosing your little baby can change your world. My heart goes out to them...I wish there was something I could do to help. Hearing of tragedies similar to ours, and others as well, really fuels the anger that still lingers. Why? Why does this happen so often? What is the point? It is frustrating...infuriating...

I had another appointment today...I experienced a brief moment of pure fear. I was hooked up to the monitors (watching a Baby Story)...when my stomach tightened slightly and baby's heart rate dipped really low and there was no heart beat. I pushed the nurse button immediately in full on panic. Seconds later I realized that the monitor had just popped off. Baby was fine. After all of that fiasco...they needed to "stimulate" baby because it was not as active as they needed it to be. She brought in a vibrator of sorts and gave my belly a jolt on both sides. About 30 seconds later...baby was doing some tricks. It was quite comical when I got to thinking about it! All is well with baby today. Praying for 29 more days of good news...

A sneak attack

Saturday was supposed to be Beck's 1st birthday. The day snuck up on me. I knew it was coming...we just came off an emotional weekend so I thought it would just kind of float by. I couldn't sleep that morning and I came downstairs by myself to read the paper. Instead I just sat there and thought about what we should be doing.

I imagined myself hearing him whimper in his crib letting us know he was ready to get up. I'd go upstairs and quietly open the door and then a wide smile would erupt and I'd hurry over to his bed and pluck him out. I'd give him big squeezes and wish him a happy birthday. I'd probably twirl him around, tell him about the day we had planned for him. I'm sure he'd wiggle out of my arms to start exploring...me wishing he'd just sit and cuddle...him thinking I need to get moving, what mischief can I get in to. I pictured his special little birthday cake and him digging in slowly and then demolishing it...covered in cake from head to toe just like Holden and Grace did. We'd probably have some family over and he'd ripped through a couple of presents and eventually give up and play with the paper/boxes; which is always more exciting to a 1 year old. I tried to imagine what he'd look at as I stared at his baby pictures...I can't really come up with a face. It feels so unfair. It feels so sad. It feels just so wrong in every sense. It all feels like this incredible dream...I can't believe our little boy is dead. I can't believe we will never hold him again. I can't believe! But, I do believe because I feel his absence with every breath. I feel the emptiness that can never be filled by another person. There is ALWAYS someone missing.

On a much brighter note, Cory and I enjoyed our time away very much. It was so simple and so refreshing. It was great to just lay there...no worries, no pressure to do anything. And, to top it off the Vikings won in a nail biter! We ended the mini trip on a good note. It was great to sit at a quiet, clean bar and watch the game uninterrupted with delicious burgers. When we got back to town we stopped at Holden's cousins house where he was playing (so excited to see him). When he saw our car, there was not a wave or a smile, rather, his head went down, tilted to the side and his shoulders shrugged. He was disappointed!! He was having a great time and did not want to leave. We then went on the grandma's to get Grace and we got a little bit warmer of a reception but she was concentrating on her "art". It is easy to leave when you know they are having a great time back home!

This week I start the twice weekly appointments. Today is my first non-stress test. I hope the test goes smoothly so there isn't any need for further testing. I always get a little anxious when they are going to "test" the baby. I guess I am just waiting for bad news. If all goes well from here on out, we are keeping our fingers crossed to be able to meet Baby K alive and well in 32 days!

Holden has been so sweet through this pregnancy. He is so attentive and wants to take care of his mom. He seems to be really excited about the baby. When it is time to do my kick counts for the evening, I always go to my bedroom and watch a little TV...a little me time to focus on the baby. So far, the baby has been giving me 10 kicks in about 15 minutes so the down time is short lived. The last two nights, Holden has been joining me. He comes in and asks if there is anything he can get me like food or a drink. Then he will lay down beside me and ask me what kick "we" are on. He asks how long I have been counting...and usually rubs my belly or my arms. He is just too sweet sometimes. He is very serious and satisfied when I get to number 10. He knows that means baby is doing good. I have asked him many times if he is scared that something will happen to the baby and he always says "No." He just tells me he misses Beckett and wishes all four kids could be together. (Me too).

The kids are off school all week so they have had to run to appointments/errands with me. Today we saw my regular OB. We waited for nearly an hour. When we finally got to see her she told me she had 35 patients this morning. They were all supposed to be tummy checks but that was not so. I have a feeling some families got some horrible news today. It is just so sad that SO many families do not get the happy outcome they envision. It is devastating and my heart aches for each one of them. It is not fair. No one should have to come to terms with loosing their child/ren.

The appointment went good. Baby is measuring right on. Holden must have looked a little irrsistable because I causually stated that he was wishing he could see the baby but I had to tell him he'd have to settle for a heartbeat. My doctor told him she'd let him get a peek at the baby. She rolled in the ultrasound and we got a peek. She explained everything to him and printed him a picture. There is definitely a difference in resolution! I could barely make out anything except for the heart. I am at 32 weeks this Friday...yeah...just 5 more weeks to go, hopefully. From here on out I will be seen 2 times per week. I will be doing non-stress test 2 days per week and a doctor visit once. I just hope and pray that this will go smoothly and they will catch anything that might seem suspicious. I know they can't work miracles...there is only so much they can do and I can do...I just need to leave the rest up to God.

October 17th was supposed to be Beck's birthday. Hard to believe we would have had a one year old, little boy running around here. This was not planned to coincide with the date, but Cory and I are getting out of town for a day. We are just going to get away and relax, just the two of us. We are really looking forward to this alone time before (hopefully) baby comes. It is supposed to be a beautiful weekend and we are staying at a hotel with a beautiful lake view. The kids will be happy as clams at Grandma Karen's house with their cousins. Cha-ching! as Grace would say.

An eventful week and it's only Wednesday!

Lots of downs and ups this week. Lots of news...some sad some good. Some if it is not my news to share so I won't, but we have a few people in our prayers. My 90 year old grandpa fell backward down the stairs on Tuesday and broke his hip. He has had surgery to repair the brake, but it could be a tough recovery! Let's hope grandma and grandpas marriage can survive this!

We had an ultrasound this morning...not quite as exciting as the previous one. The machine they used today did not have the 4D capability so Cory did not get to see our little one up close and personal...bummer!The black and white seems so boring now. Grace got to come with today and she was excellent...she was very quiet (helps to have people she does not know well around:) The baby has finally turned head down after being breech for most of my pregnancy. I noticed a different variety of movements lately and that is probably the explanation. Baby's heartbeat and blood flow in the cord was perfect. The heart looked great again. The nose and lips are as tiny and cute as ever. I guess the biggest news is the percentile baby measured in today.....DRUM ROLL PLEASE....55%!!!!!!!! That is right 55%. A huge leap form just 2 weeks ago when we got the 8% measurement. This is quite a significant jump in growth. Some explanations maybe a different ultrasound machine, different ultrasound tech, baby has grown a significant amount (obviously)...So we are where the doctor would expect our baby to be with Cory and my measurements and previous kids birth stats. I don't even know how to feel about it...I was hoping for 10%. Of course I am overjoyed and more comfortable with that measurement, but I am a little shocked to say the least. With all the good news today I knew what the doctor was going to tell me...it is not necessary to be seen every 2 weeks at this point. SO, I will see them again in 4 weeks. I am at 31 weeks pregnant right now. That will be just 2 weeks before delivery. That means 6 more weeks to go! So next time it is likely will be my last visit with the specialists. To tell you the truth it makes me a little sad. I have come to really enjoy my visits there. They are a great group of people from the nurses, to the ultrasound techs, to the perinatologists...I have nothing but positive feelings for all of them.

I have not been sleeping well at all and it is starting to wear on me. I just simply can not sleep. I maybe get 2 solid hours in before I am up. I am going to try some Ambien to help. Let's just hope I don't sleep so sound I wet myself! The Doctor reassured me that it was safe and would not transfer to the baby due to the molecules being too big. My fear is that if it puts the baby to sleep I will be even more anxious than I am right now because movements will be decreased. I am going to give it a try and see how it goes. I can't continue on this way much longer.

One year...

I can't believe it has been one year since that devastating day. I really can't. Beckett was born at 7:35pm on October 4th, 2008. He was 7lbs, 8oz and 20 1/2 inches long. He had lots of dark brown hair. He was a beautiful little boy, whom I miss tremendously. My arms feel very empty today as I think of him. He would be one year old. Just starting to walk, maybe babble words, and making us laugh (probably even driving us a little crazy keeping him out of trouble). It hurts to think of all that we have missed and will miss in the future. It hurts to know my kids will never get to know their brother. This has been a hard year. Grieving is an ongoing process that does not follow a pattern. It can be frustrating, comforting, and leave you emotionally drained. Our little boy is in heaven, that much we know but all the unanswered questions are the hardest to contend with. Why...what is heaven like...was he scared on his journey to get to Jesus...does he see us...does he miss us...does he know how much we love him and are torn up over loosing him? We will not ever get those answers here on earth. You know how your child gets home from school or a friends house and you want some details about what they did, who they played with, what was exciting about their day? We don't get any answers. We just get to try and envision and trust. He is gone and their is no one to fill us in.

I had trouble sleeping this weekend...thoughts and visions of Beckett overtaking my mind, while a little one squirmed inside me. I woke before 5am today. I remember back to those first months waking so very early (like this weekend) crying. Not wanting to start another day without him. Trying to breath in the scent of him through his blanket. The day started easier than it did last October but the emptiness and heartache still very fresh and present. I could not attend church today. I am still angry. Today would have not been a good day to put myself through a service or socializing. Cory and my mom took the kids instead. Afterwards we went to visit Beck's grave...we brought fresh flowers and a fall arrangement. We released blue balloons with messages written on them for Beckett. The sun peeked out for a mere minute. Just enough to kiss our cheeks. We watched the balloons fly away through tears of sorrow. The kids certainly helped lighten the mood.

After my sister and mom left I laid down to rest. I got out Beckett's box and looked through it. I took the outfit he wore and tried to take in any lingering scent. I held his blanket in my arms. I read him a book that my sister read to him before his burial. I took out his hand and foot molds and traced them. I lit his candle. I sifted through the hundreds of cards and letters. I cried. I packed it up and wiped the tears. I hope he can feel all the pain in my heart which is just love for him. Our little boy...

I want to thank EVERYONE for the gifts, flowers, cards and e-mails remembering us this day. It is so thoughtful and means so much to all of us. A dear friend of mine also ran her first full marathon today in Minneapolis. Yeah for her! She dedicated her last 1.2 miles to the memory of Beckett. She has his name and date of birth/death on a t-shirt she wore. We were very honored that she chose him to get her through that last grueling stretch. She did it! Congrats...now a break from running so we can hang out!:)

Although this day is tremendously hard but not much different from everyday...it is a beautiful feeling to feel the newest addition to our family roll around and kick me. There is life after death. Through all this sadness and heartache a beautiful blessing grows inside me. We hope that in 47 days we will get to meet this sweet little baby. We love baby K so very much...we are looking forward to the future and what this child will bring to our family and families if we are so fortunate.

Thanks for all the support and prayers...

Last year...I woke up and started my day like any other. Around noon I noted that the baby was pretty quiet so far. I honestly figured it was settling into position and getting so big that there was not much room to move around. Around 2pm I started to get a little more anxious, but again justified the decreased moves to getting close to delivery. I packed up the kids and headed to the MSUM/Moorhead Spuds parade. Cory met us there. I started having the feeling that maybe something was not right (keep in mind I had no thought that what might be wrong is death). The baby hadn't wiggled throughout the entire parade and I was sitting on a curb, I thought it peculiar. I told Cory that I thought something was wrong. He shrugged it off and said the baby is so big now, there is no room. I remember eating supper and I was pushing on my stomach and thought I felt something...but, I still did not "feel" right. Cory and I spent that night working on the baby's room. He was painting and I was moving items to the kids room. I started to get pretty anxious at this point. I got online and googled a few things. I remember coming upon the word STILLBIRTH. I briefly read it and then passed over it. I thought I was just at the doctor, the baby has been healthy so far, I did not engage in any activities that increase the risk of stillbirth...that simply did not add up. BUT, the term kept flashing in my mind. I told Cory I was going to take a bath and see if that would stir up some movement. I sat in there for 20 minutes...nothing. Some panic settling in-the word stillbirth flashing. I got a glass of OJ and drank that and laid in bed...waiting...nothing. A little more convinced that something was not right (still not really even thinking death)...that wouldn't happen to us. I went to talk to Cory again, he said I was worrying about nothing. I always worry. I sulked back to my room...waiting...for something...thinking well maybe if I go to sleep the baby will be wide awake in the morning. Maybe I will go into labor early? Maybe baby was moving down and getting ready to make an early entrance? Yeah, that is it! It is my 3rd baby...that happens. The baby was just checked by my doctor and everything looked perfect!

The following morning...I woke...the baby did not. I remember being in what I guess might be called denial. Although, honestly...I did not think our baby was dead, but I knew something was not right...but what? We went to Holden's flag football game that morning at 10am. I was an anxious mess. I pushed and poked at my stomach. I tried to bend over to squash the baby to get in to wiggle. Nothing. I sat there for an hour in a daze and slight panic. Naturally, I called the person I always call with "kid" questions...Sherri. I asked her what she thought. She told me I needed to call the birth center. I remember saying, "Really, do you think something could really be wrong? I was just in to see my doctor." She said, "Something could be wrong, but it is probably nothing but call them and call me right back." I called and the nurse frightened me. She seemed shocked that I had not felt the baby move since about 5/6p the night before. She told me to come in immediately and get checked out. Cory was in the store and I was sitting in the car panic settling in. I was a little dazed, confused, worried, and thinking what if? We dropped the kids off at Cory's mom right away and went to the hospital.

On the way there we nervously laughed a little. We bantered back and forth. I told him he could just go with the kids to Brianna's b-day party and I could go to the hospital. He said, "I want to be with you Hol, what if it is something bad?" That is when it hit me. This could be something really bad. I got sick to my stomach. I felt like scared. I could not even imagine what was to follow.

Wednesday...last year

As I go throughout this week certain things stick out in my mind. This is the week I looked back on after Beck's death and wondered...what did I do that stopped his tiny heart? I have tried and have been successful for the most part of keeping those guilty feelings that I did something to cause this at bay. I could not ever bear the thought that it was something I did or a certain activity that compromised his fragile life, therefore because I can't deal with the pain of that I have tried to avoid it, but every once in a while it 'pops' up.

Wednesday of last year...I had a visit with my OB. Grace was with me. Just a tummy check. Heartbeat was strong. Everything was good. We discussed delivery and all of that stuff, including tubal litigation. Everything was ship shape, perfect!

I spent the night out with one of my dearest girlfriends. We didn't golf because either I was getting too large or the weather was not cooperating. I remember we went to Gymboree to spend our Gymbucks. I remember looking for things for the baby but not knowing gender puts a damper on most of that shopping. I considered purchasing Christmas outfits for Holden and Grace and then I'd pick up a matching one for baby after we found out boy or girl. I did buy one item for the baby that night and it was the sweetest knit pumpkin hat. I thought it would be perfect for Halloween. Little did I know Beckett would be buried in that hat just 6 days later. We also went to a movie that night and I over did it on the popcorn (with butter, of course). I had only 2 more weeks to "live it up". When I got home that night I got sick. I spent much of the night awake nursing a sick stomach. I often wonder if that was a sign that things were going down hill and I had no clue.

I believe this Thursday (instead of dates I am more focused on the days that coincide with last year) was the night that Beckett started to get weak and I missed all the signals. Maybe there were not any blaring signals, yet. I just remember that Friday was the day that I started to panic off and on, but obviously not enough to call the hospital and go in.

I hate the saying, "everything happens for a reason". I know I used it before Beckett died, plenty enough. It is a safe thing to say. It comforts people and yourself. If this statement wasn't true then that means bad things happen to good people, sometimes for no reason and that is too painful and makes a person feel vulnerable and unsafe. Well, I don't believe that saying anymore. I don't think God put Beckett here and took him so quickly to teach us something...I think that happens because of cause and effect. I think that sometimes there are accidents. I believe God knows outcomes to our lives but I think sometimes things just happen. I am sure that if there would have been a different scenario...let's say...I was doing kick counts and noticed a severe decrease in movement and we went in immediately...they would have seen that he was in distress...there would have been an emergency c-section...and he could possibly have been alright with some intervention. If scenario B would have happened I think I'd be saying "it was meant to be", "this happened for a reason." When something this tragic happens to your own child...it is too hard to ever think "this happened for a reason".

If I had one question I got to ask God...I'd ask "WHY?"