From the moment the ultrasound lady slowly and carefully closed her laptop after performing an ultrasound on Beckett...I knew our baby was dead. Our hearts and minds were a flurry of fear and the most intense anxiety I have ever felt. It was only a minute later when what we knew was confirmed with those awful words. "I am so sorry. There is no longer a heartbeat." From that moment it was a flurry. It is amazing how when you are in this position a million questions are thrown your way and you have to answer them all. BUT, you simply are not there in your mind. You are shut down. You are utterly devastated. Thank goodness for everyone who rallied around and helped us answer the questions and try to make decisions.

We were surrounded by so much love. And sometimes, there are people you don't even know that end up being so memorable. One of those people was Nick Tunheim. He was the person from the funeral home that took care of our little boy. He was wonderful. He was so calm and reassuring. I trusted him completely...without even knowing him. I remember when he came to our home for the final arrangements. He came here because we could not go there. I distinctly remember him asking me how I wanted Beckett to arrive at the cemetary. I remember him offering to drive him in his car so we would not scare our other kids with a hearse. I remember asking "You would do that?" He was so authentic, genuine and  empathetic. He was a perfect match for our family.

Today, I was checking in on the rialeephotography blog. There was a story of family who was traveling back from Ethiopia with their adopted daughter. Ria was there to capture the momentous occasion. I was crying from the very first picture. Towards the end of the phots there was a picture of the whole family. I recognized the father immediately. He was the gentleman from the funeral home that took care of our baby. More tears. Now, I know why he was so special. He posted a link to their blog http://www.annandnick.com/.

I guess I needed a good cry because the tears just won't stop flowing.

We had a FUN weekend. The weather and the feeling that spring is on the way make it all that much sweeter. Saturday was Hockey Day MN and not being a hockey fan...I really did not get all the buzz. However, the event was pretty cool. Moorhead was the host city this year and Holden got to be a part of all the fun. He had the first game of the day. G'ma and G'pa came to cheer him on too! He volunteered to be the goalie (orange). He has some budding skills in that position. Here are some pictures.

After that we went to the Kiwanis pancake feed where there was a pleasant surprise for the kids. About a third of the Fargo Dome was dedicated to many bounce houses. Grace and Liv LOVED it!

The weather was so beautiful on Sunday. We got out to enjoy it. Liv LOVED being outside!! We walked around and around and around the triangle in front of our house. Holden was so tickled Liv was outside with him. He treated her like a little princess. Those two have a very special relationship. It just warms your heart to watch them together.

I love my family!

Cory and I are so lucky to have four little Valentines. They each bring so much to our lives in different ways.

Holden is such a calm and loving kid. He thinks of others. He is a old soul in an 8 year old body. When Holden was in preschool, his teachers always commented on what a kind hearted, old soul Holden was. He is wise beyond his years. He thinks on a different level and sometimes I am shocked at the things he says (in a very good way). Grace is loving and helpful. She does have some "listening" issues, but I know that she hears and notices everything. She is a pretty deep thinker herself. She is a handful but is never really bad. She loves to "color outside the lines". I personally am a rule follower, so it is difficult for me to let her go and be who she is sometimes. I have really learned to not care so much if she looks like a miss matched little girl.  I have learned to appreciate her sense of style and flair. For example, her hair today was a crazy mess, but she thought she looked beautiful. I let her go to school with that crazy hairdo even though I really wanted to "fix it". Liv is the sweetest little dolly baby. She makes us all laugh. She is funny, sweet, and a total goof ball. We are starting to think we have a 2nd Grace in the making (please HELP me). We all feel so lucky to have her in our lives. She has helped us all heal and enjoy the simple things. I squeeze her, kiss her, and tell her how much I love her easily a 100 times a day.

Our kids are a huge reason why we have been able to pick up and move on after loosing Beckett. They all have played an important role for getting us back on track. Certainly, we have our bad days or moments when it all feels not right in our world. Somehow...someway...they have a way of pulling us back and seeing what is before us, not behind us.

The girls and I picked Holden up from school on Friday. It was a beautiful sunshiny day. As we were driving home we were going past the cemetery. My heart felt lighter (literally). I told the kids it would not be long now until we got to go visit Beckett. Grace said she forgot about that. I could tell she felt bad for saying "forgot" so she tried to correct herself. Then Holden said something that was so profound to me. I think about what he said almost every hour since. He said, "Mom, it is hard to think of all the bad things that happen when there are so many happy things to think about." He is so right. We can't dwell on all the bad things because there are all these wonderful things to think about. Obviously Beck's death has had a major impact on our lives and if I let myself I could think about him all day long. I could sit and lay in bed curled up with his blanket. If I let myself do that I'd miss out all of the happiness that surrounds me. It is okay to think of happy things. Sometimes you want to dwell on the sad because it makes you feel closer to the person you lost. I have realized though, that when I focus on all the happiness...Beck is still there...he is a part of that happiness. Without him...we would never be in this wonderful place we are now.

Oh Mexico...

Well we are back from our week long trip to Cancun, Mexico. It was wonderful from start to finish. We knew the kids would be in good hands and it was time to kick back and relax. We put 110% into that!

It had been so long since we had taken a tropical vacation. It was long overdue! We needed that couple time. There has been SO much that has changed and happened over the last few years to our relationship and family. It was SO good to just be able to focus on ourselves and be a couple without other pressures.

I get so little quality time to myself (like most moms). There is always something to do. The biggest task on my "to-do" list in Cancun was to get the best spots possible to sit in the sun all day. I was the only early riser. I would spend about 2-3 hours by myself each morning...reading a book either on the beach or near the pool. It was AWESOME! Read for 20, nap for 10...just thinking about it makes me want to book a second trip...like NOW! Here was my view most mornings...

We spent our whole day in the sun. We ordered food from the pool grill and ate outside in our suits everyday. Around 4:30 or 5:00 we'd head back to the room for a little Yahtzee, cards, reading or naps. We had an amazing balcony with a table and chairs and an incredible view.

 There is always a smile on Cory's face if the sun is shining and it is warm!

 It was fun to walk the beach and find treasures for the kids.

 I got knocked on my butt one time and swallowed a gallon on salt water. I would not have swallowed all that water had I not been laughing so hard at loosing my balance only to be hit by a second massive wave that took me under. I am sure it was amusing to anyone watching. I was amused:)

 Cory tried boogie boarding. I don't think they ever caught a wave. After watching for about 20 minutes I got bored and went back to lounge:)

 We were not completely sedentary. We took part in the daily volleyball game (well I played once). the competition was fierce for a bunch of old farts. I happened to be wearing the wrong swimsuit the day I played and I was continually loosing my bottoms! I did not test the bottoms in water. They seemed to fit when dry:) This is an action shot of Cory.

 I caught some slight air;)

It was an amazing trip. We had so much fun together. It was pretty perfect. I did not even miss the kids as badly as I thought. The first 24 hours were tough. We were able to skype the kids which made it SO much easier. There were a few kids about Liv's size that I just wanted to scoop up and snuggle but overall I did much better than anticipated (just like mom said I would...she is always right:).

Thanks again to the grandparents for taking time off of work and hanging with the kids. While we were gone Liv learned how to go down the stairs "safely". She also gained a few more teeth. The older two really enjoyed having the g'mas and g'pas here. It was good to come home, though, and see the smiles on their faces when they saw us in person. That is priceless.