Has anyone heard that song by Leann Rimes? It has to do with loosing someone. There was a line in the song that is causing an emotional uproar. It has to do with I never pictured every minute without you in it. That just really hits home today for some reason, but it is so true. Everyone knows that death happens...it is that part of life you wish you did not have to deal with. But loosing a child before he ever got to take a breath in this world is still shocking to me sometimes. I pictured our whole life with him and it is really hard to adjust to this 'new life' without him here. I think this winter is getting way too long and I need a little sun and warmth and life (like budding trees, grass, blooming flowers). I am sick of looking at the piles of snow and feeling the bitter cold air smack my face. I don't even want to know what the little ground hog saw today:) I might really fly off the deep end.

BTW, Cory and I have both decided on the tattoo we want! I need to figure out a place for mine and we need to get up the nerve to go. Cory is not nervous...but I am a little nervous! I just have to make the call. Of course we will post pictures after it happens...no LA Ink or Miami Ink, though!

Today is Cory's 37th Birthday! He got some great presents from the kids. After he opened then up Grace went and wrapped some more presents...shoes from the closet for all of us!! It does not matter if she is giving you something she picked out at a store or something she dug up in the house...she is SO very proud of herself and genuinely excited for us to open it. So adorable!

Church this weekend was much easier for me. I am not sure why, there was still a lot of talk of baptism (and of course all I think about was Beckett's baptism) and all the new babies in the church. I remember sitting in church the weekend before he died and planning out the baptism in my head. The baptism of my kids has always been a very powerful and emotional time for me. I am guessing all subsequent baptisms will have even more meaning and most likely a few more tears.

I know there are so new readers to this blog, old readers and some I had no idea would even tune in. It means a lot to us to know that people care and are interested. I began writing the blog as a way to release my emotions and keep family and friends updated. I think writing has really helped me move through the grief process effectively. My godmother told me some day I might want to look back and see how far I have come. I can see that so much already. Those first couple of months were so dark and sad. Nothing in life could have prepared me to meet that fate. My family and friends were there to pick us up and walk through those dark tunnels with me. I hope this writing will help someone else in their grief journey. It is going to be a long journey...lots of bumps and falls...but the human spirit wants to keep going. My spirit is pretty strong. So I am thankful for your ears, prayers, and your support.

I have been quietly agitated the last few days. I heard back from my doctor's nurse (first irritation). My balloon was so deflated when the answer to my question of what would be the earliest we could deliver than answer was a depressing 38 1/2 to 39 weeks. I really don't know what I was hoping for...I was kind of thinking 37 weeks. I know that everyday up until the birth will be such a anxiety stricken time. Maybe the thought of delivering sooner, in my mind, would be less time spent in hopeful misery. And I guess it made me feel like Beckett's death was just another number or blown off as a fluke. The loss of his life is not important enough to think with a little more urgency next time or for my doctor to make a personal phone call to me to tell me that she will do everything she can to make sure this does not happen again. I don't think that is too much to ask. In her defense, maybe she already told me that but I was not listening. Anyways...her answers would not stop us from trying again. We both would love to have a happy ending...hopefully it is meant to be.

I found Grace digging through Beck's memory box. She looked like a deer in headlights when I asked her what she was doing. His little hat lay there on the floor. I picked it up and touched the blood that left stains on the hat. I brought it to my face and took a deep breath. I just want to feel him physically. I feel his spirit in my heart. I feel his spirit with me, with us. But there is that insatiable yearning to hold him again.

What a fun day! I get to have a 2 year old in my house for a couple of days and it is so much fun. I love the conversations and she is so darn cute! Grace has to adjust a little bit to not getting all the attention. I have a feeling that a baby in the house would have been really challenging for her (me). However, I would gladly take that challenge on! Cory and I have been discussing a 4th child and wow, Grace would almost be 5 if we started right away! Gosh...I wonder if she'd be out of diapers?! I'll be sending her off to kindergarten and I'd have to pack a diaper and some wipes for her in case she needed to 'do a duty'.

I called my doctor yesterday with some very important questions for her to answer about getting pregnant again. There are so many things to consider. It is a very scary journey. We don't know if our hearts could take another loss, however, it is something that we need to consider and be aware of. I did get a few answers that would help with the anxieties. I guess there would be additional ultrasounds and monitoring. I would have to go in for a stress test weekly (couldn't that be all day long?). Did you know that 1 out of 200 pregnancies end in stillbirth? That is CRAZY! Why doesn't every pregnant mother get that kind of care? It is a little infuriating that you get it after something tragic happens. How about trying to prevent it and being a little proactive? I don't know if extra monitoring would have saved our Beckett. I had more ultrasounds that typical and everything was always wonderful and normal. My goodness, 2 maybe 1 day before he died I was in the clinic and his heartbeat was so strong. He must have died either Thursday in the middle of the night or Friday. I remember Grace sitting on the chair in the exam room, her big innocent eyes looking at me and a little smile when she heard the heartbeat. I remember walking out of there on top of the world...so very excited that the big day was almost here. What is sad...is I know very well that if we get pregnant again I will never feel that way without a weight on my heart. The constant fear. My friend told me that I probably won't feel safe until that baby is in our arms.

My sweet little angel...

We went to church today, it has been a while since we were there because we have been out of town most weekends. Wow, I had a really tough time. I was on the verge of tears and desperately trying to hold it all together~I contemplated walking out about 3 times when I thought my wall was going to crumble. Amazingly I held it together. Hearing the sounds of little babies, talking about baptism, and watching a little girl lay her sleepy head on her moms shoulder just kind of rubbed salt in the wound. I think I know what I want from God. I think I know why it is hard to be at church. Going back a little bit...God spoke to me one afternoon. I was in my closet. It was one of the only times when I heard him...He said, "Holly he is okay, I have him." This was not just a voice in my head, nor was it a voice anyone else could hear. That was near the time when I made the conscious decision to accept Beckett's death. I needed to really hear Him talk to me! But I have realized what it is that I want Him to say to me. I know this because the mere thought of it brings me to tears and I feel offended. I need him to simply say that I am sorry. I am sorry that I needed to call Beck back. I am sorry that this hurts you so bad. I am sorry that you do not get to hold your little boy. I am sorry that you are left to pick up the pieces. I am sorry to have hurt you. I think the true healing would begin then. I think that is why I have such emotional reactions in church.

It is like when you have had a big falling out with somebody, but you still talk to them. The relationship is not quite the same, there is like a white elephant in the room, but no one is talking about it. That road to mending the relationship will take a long time, but you are still drawn to be with them. There is something about the relationship that is still needed so you suffer through it waiting for the day the ice will be broken and your relationship ends up being stronger than it was. I know some day I will look back on this entry and say, "Wow, I have really grown."

I don't necessarily like talking about the weather...but crap it is cold! I am running a space heater and the fireplace to keep the main floor at a decent temperature. I do not necessarily like being stuck in the house because it is cold, so it is trying my patience. I am glad to have Bunco tonight so I have a legitimate reason to leave the house:) We should have planned that warm vacation after all.

I have not had a good, sobbing cry in about a week. I have just had the sniffles. I wonder when the next wave is going to hit me. I think about Beckett all the time and I am still a little bitter about the whole thing, but it is nice to have these breaks in crying all the time. I never thought the days would come when I could be composed for an entire day, much less a few in a row. It does not mean that the pain is gone, the hole in our hearts gone, or that we do not wish for him to be with us...far from it. I think a person gets so tired and learns to not let your mind relive those dark days all the time. It is like throwing a blanket on it and then you know that eventually it needs to be cleaned...you'll need to lift and up and throw it in the washer. There you are vulnerable and cold. And then you pull it out of the dryer and throw it back on and you are warm and comforted. I fight that a lot. I fight the urge to let myself go back to those days. I am just really tired and I want to be hopeful...I push myself to think ahead to life without Beckett and all the blessings there are waiting for us to embrace.

Thank God for my wonderful children and husband who make forging ahead so much easier.

Holden and I, along with the cousins & Bill and Sherri, went to see Marley and Me. It was a good movie and I probably would have loved it under different pretenses. In the movie it was a dog that lost it's life. However, it made me think of Beck so much and I know Holden was thinking the same thing. Holden was very sad afterwards. He knew what was going to happen before we decided to go and he was sure he'd be okay. I really feel so sorry for my little guy that he needs to go through all this pain. It feels so unfair that they are so young and need to learn a hard fact of life~no warnings. It is very difficult to explain when you have no answers. We happened to watch a show and some kids dad died. It was then that it kind of hit them that maybe mom and dad could die too. I find it hard to be reassuring when we know the truth all too well. Grace has become obsessed with death and dying. Everyday she talks about it, several times. She does not necessarily talk about Beckett...but the stories I hear her have with her dolls and figurines...someone always dies. I am not sure if this is something I should interrupt and talk to her about~she is very nonchalant. Yesterday she was singing "Our baby is dead, our baby is dead." She did not sing it in a tune of sadness. I don't know...maybe that is just her way of working through it.

We have been talking more about trying to have another baby. The thought excites me but I'd love to have a guarantee that everything would be alright. I know that is not possible and that every pregnancy comes with risks~but it is just all too real for me. I put my baby in the ground and that has my confidence down. Sometimes I think that if I am not confident then I am not ready, but I think I am justified in my feelings and I am not so sure that I would ever feel confident again. It will be a hard 10 months of waiting. There have recently, in our area, been so many precious babies that have died and that scares the crap out of me. What if our baby made it to the finish line and then we got the rug pulled out under us? I also think Grace would drive me nearly insane with her comments. I can totally picture her talking about the baby dying and if we will have to bury this baby in the grass. I wonder if I can muster up the strength to push those fears aside and hope for the best. There is supposedly a machine that you can get that monitors your baby while you sleep and the feeds are sent to a doctor who monitors them for any issues that might arise. My sister told me about it and it would be something for us to consider. Could you imagine? The fear and the reassurance all balled up into one? Ugh...ignorance was so blissful!

It has been a while since I have written. We have been a little busy! We had a fun trip back from my sister's house. About 13 miles outside of Moorhead our truck started making an awful noise. We thought we blew a tire. Of course, the kids were filled with a 100 questions! We pulled over and there was not a sign of a flat so we decided to keep going very slowly on the shoulder until we got to the next exit, which seemed to take forever. Holden was concerned he would not make it to hockey (we were in charge of treats!). Of course, that was our first priority too!! We limped to the exit and called for a tow truck (good old AAA), however, we found out we needed to renew our membership, not such a big deal but a little bit frustrating when you have 2 kids in the car, it is freezing, and both kids are still asking a 100 question with no time to answer in between them!
Luckily, Cory's step dad was on the way to rescue us and get us to the hockey game on time! I dressed Holden for his game in the back end of the truck, in the mean time Grace peed her pants and she decided she need to change shoes! So the three of us were squished together trying to achieve our individual goals...then g'pa arrived and we crammed 2 car seats, 2 kids, 3 adults and all of our baggage and hockey gear into a sedan...you can fit a lot into that car. But not after being told my butt was too big to fit in the backseat with the kids (by Holden) and that dad could fit better. Needless to say, we had our car towed, we made the hockey with time to spare and we were home by 6 for supper-not bad!

One lesson we have learned from loosing our son is that nothing really can get any worse than it is! We have already lost the most precious thing in the world so everything else seems like peanuts...it is refreshing to have that new outlook. We have already been through the worst of it, the rest is just bumps~nothing to get too jazzed about.

Speaking of peanuts...it made me remember a story that we laughed about recently. While in high school I accidentally backed into the garage door. I had opened the garage but it started to come back down and I did not realize it. I backed out and heard a crack and new I was going to catch it from my parents. When I told dad...he was furious! How could I be so careless! I told him I'd pay for it and his reply was "What with peanuts?!!!" Obviously, he knew he'd be forking out the dough to pay for my mistake. Not more than a couple of days later...wouldn't you know...dad did the exact same thing! I was laughing hysterically to myself. I am sure I was a little smug when he told everyone what had happened. I remember my comeback, "How are you going to pay for that? With peanuts?" I am not sure if I got the belt...but I should have.

There was more that I wanted to write for today but I got off on a tangent and I need to help Grace write a scary story!

For those of you who know that Grace enjoys having imaginary friends...she has rounded out those that are the closest to her. There is Bing,Bing (she is the BFF) she has been around for a while. Once in a while her mom and dad come to our house too. Grace let us know that Bing,Bing's mom had a baby and it died. They were sad about it. Broccoli is also in heaven. The there is Nacho, Cheese, and Cereal. These kids are a little more than acquaintances. They were here yesterday and Grace needed to make a 'fence' out of small garbage bags to contain them. I will let you know that I have hurt Grace's friends on occasion. One time I accidentally threw one on the ground. She was sitting on a shoe box top in the car. Boy...did I catch it! I had heard once that imaginary friends were a sign of intelligence, so what does that mean if she has 6? That little girl makes me laugh and sometimes want to cry at all of her antics! Her latest "antic" was taking cherry chap stick and putting it all over the babies face and then she got the butt cream out and put that on her baby, then she had to take almost a tub of baby wipes to clean her 'dirty' baby. I just jumped in the shower for 5 minutes! She will have so many stories for me to tell her when she gets bigger...she will be most famous for running around nakey!

We are heading to St.Michael this weekend for a little R&R and to celebrate Ella's birthday! Holden is so very excited. I always say, "Guess where we are going this weekend?" And it is always followed by "SHERRI'S". Holden is very excited...it is one of his most favorite places to go...even if the pool is not open! He will find out soon enough, though, that he is going to be missing a hockey game and a pizza party:( That will be a heart breaker for sure. I hope to be able to do laundry, clean the house...and sit on the couch and visit:) I'd think about making some meals, but Sherri is a pretty good cook...I am not sure they would eat what I would make.

My little Beckett,

Tear come to my eyes when I think of you today. I was thinking with your dad earlier that you would be almost 3 months old already. Our days would be so different with you here. I really miss what should have been. I look at pictures of babies about your age and I wonder how you would have changed. I am sure you would have been a chunky monkey, maybe even developing some rubber band hands. Our house would be filled with so much more things...instead they are all tucked away. I look into your room and I have this urge just to throw some new paint on the walls...when I look at all the dots on the walls I picture myself just shortly before you were born...taking so much time to perfect them with the smallest paint brushes! It is hard to think of those days leading up to your birth and how I was making all those final preparations for you...on the top of the world...and then poof! We were preparing how to send you off. Ahh...sweet baby, I hope you are flying high, your little wings so perfect. I picture you with those fluffy wings...twirling around...swooping in visiting everyone. I love you little boy. I miss you like crazy.

Fly little wing,
Mommy

I just finished a book that was a compilation of stories of people's encounters with those that have died or those who saw the afterlife but came back to their bodies. It helped me feel that knowing Beckett came to me was not just a figment of my imagination. It was not as grand as some stories...I heard the song glory baby and he spoke just a few words, but I believe he was there. There have also been a few people who told me of things and their experiences with him (Beck). Just further affirmation. I think it is pretty fantastic! I remember when I was just a young kid...my Grandpa John came to me when I was sleeping. He died when I was just a year old. I felt pressure on my leg and I saw him. I had mentioned this to mom and dad some years ago. I am kind of thinking that our baby is with my grandpa...I have been told he loved babies.

There is something I have not written about yet...something that I came upon at Christmas.To me it was rather shocking-to be honest it still is. I was sitting around and my brother-in-law had his iPhone sitting there...very tempting to play with! He has a beautiful picture of his 3 kids on the background so I decided to scroll through his pictures...not really thinking this was an invasion of privacy! Duh!! No...I did not find pictures I should not have seen...but there were photos of a baby who did not look alive. I stared at it...stared at it...I thought to myself "That baby does not look alive...whose baby were they taking pictures of?" It was then that I focused on the hat and I realized that was Beckett. It took about a good 10 seconds to realize that was our baby! That was our little boy. He looked different that the little boy I held on. I was in utter shock and when I had realized it was our baby, I quickly exited the pictures. But of course, I needed to look. I needed to do a little more examination. I was stunned...don't even know how else to describe it. I walked into the bedroom a little like a zombie...I was so confused, a little irritated (not at you guys!), and just speechless.

I was not scared. He did not look bad. He was just different than the picture in my head and the pictures on our walls. The fluid that he had retained from dying in the womb was gone. His puffy eyes were gone. He looked like Grace. He had the petite features she had as a baby. It was hard to see a picture of him that I had never seen...maybe I needed to see it for the healing to begin. I will tell you what, that is a moment I will NEVER forget. When you think you have seen it all...Sherri had told me that she took pictures of him for us before he was buried-so it was not like I did not know they were out there, I just forgot.

I thought of it today and I think it has to do with me starting to accept his death.

I think that I am coming to accept Beckett's death. I find myself questioning God's choice less and less. Although, it is difficult to accept the alternative isn't that great. I am sure there will still be times when I want to throw something or have a particularly hard day...but right now I am really focusing on just loving him for all that he was and is now. Acceptance does not make the pain go away-it will resurface in a mear second the moment I think of him. I think my acceptance is trusting that he is with God in all the glory-an innocent soul. I trust that there was a purpose for Beckett. I trust that there are lessons that I need turn into positive actions to honor our son. I wish I knew what that is, but I think for now I just need to heal my heart. I need to take things day by day. I need to live in the moments and cherish them rather than be angry about what is missing. If I continue that path it will lead to a sad life. I believe Beckett surrounds us every day and I need to revel in that. Some days it is harder to believe it...it is hard to put on a happy face and face the world, but it seems there is more time between cries or moments of great sadness.

I received a newsletter for parents who have lost a child. There was a section in there that made a lot of sense to me and was comforting. It goes as follows:
Does the pain ever end? No, i don't think the pain ever ends. I don't even think it gets less. But i DO believe that our capacity to absorb, submerge, manage and breathe through the pain expands until it lays over our grief like a comforting quilt. Sometimes we lift the corners and peek underneath and are overwhelmed that the same pain is there, but we learn that gently putting the quilt back down and resting our hands on it lets us know that we are in control of our grief, not the other way around. It takes a long, long time. It takes a lot of very hard work. But we are the ones to make our grief covering quilt and we do it in our own way, on our own time, and in our own pattern. And the quilt growers bigger with time, too, covering all those "new" things we discover bring us grief...like cleaning out our kids bedroom, or finding a diary that was hidden in a drawer, or hearing from our child's best friend years later, saying that he or she still misses and thinks about our kid. May your quilt cover your grief softly today and may you feel its warmth and weight and know that love made every stitch. Written by, Vicki W

I think it is a great analogy.

I get to head our tonight with a couple of girlfriends for supper. We need to catch up on life. I told Holden I was going out with my girl friends and he said "Your girlfriends? What, do you want to kiss them?" He said "Boys don't call their boy friends, boyfriends...why do girls?" I told him I did not kiss my girlfriends, just wanted to reassure him-I don't want rumors spreading at school!

We had a great New Year's Day...we were invited to play a little hockey at a friend's house. Holden loved it! Grace tried to skate a bit to, but she was a little more stable with her boots. We also started the year off great because GRACE POOPED IN THE POTTY! She just did it as simple as that. I was probably duped about her being "scared". However, in true Grace form...don't get too excited because she had a little "accident" later in the day! Oh, my little girl. She also fell asleep on the way home from skating. That was about 6:15ish. Well, we could not wake her up! I thought for sure I'd be up around 4am making her breakfast. Surprisingly she crawled into bed beside me at about 4, but she just snuggled me and fell back asleep until 7a! I don't think she has ever slept that many hours continuously in her little life.

I didn't fall asleep until 4am so she was looking out for me. I am still struggling with sleep. It is really frustrating. I have never had that problem until Beck died. Now it is probably habit. I just had an awful night. I was so full of fear that something bad was going to happen to Holden, Grace or Cory. I kept thinking well maybe something was wrong with Grace for her to sleep like that. I checked on her a few times. And this is embarrassing and hard to admit, but I kept thinking I'd go into her room and find her not breathing. I was freaking myself out. I considered waking Cory to make him check on her so that way I would not find her. How awful is that? How irrational? I am just so scared that something might happen to them. It is so real to me now, how swiftly life can change. One hour you are happy and excited the next you are shattered. I guess I have just heard of so much tragedy lately, especially precious little ones...that it is difficult to get a handle on the anxiety. It is very traumatic to bury your child...and then go on carefree and ignorant. Ignorance is bliss (I get it now).