I think that I am coming to accept Beckett's death. I find myself questioning God's choice less and less. Although, it is difficult to accept the alternative isn't that great. I am sure there will still be times when I want to throw something or have a particularly hard day...but right now I am really focusing on just loving him for all that he was and is now. Acceptance does not make the pain go away-it will resurface in a mear second the moment I think of him. I think my acceptance is trusting that he is with God in all the glory-an innocent soul. I trust that there was a purpose for Beckett. I trust that there are lessons that I need turn into positive actions to honor our son. I wish I knew what that is, but I think for now I just need to heal my heart. I need to take things day by day. I need to live in the moments and cherish them rather than be angry about what is missing. If I continue that path it will lead to a sad life. I believe Beckett surrounds us every day and I need to revel in that. Some days it is harder to believe it...it is hard to put on a happy face and face the world, but it seems there is more time between cries or moments of great sadness.

I received a newsletter for parents who have lost a child. There was a section in there that made a lot of sense to me and was comforting. It goes as follows:
Does the pain ever end? No, i don't think the pain ever ends. I don't even think it gets less. But i DO believe that our capacity to absorb, submerge, manage and breathe through the pain expands until it lays over our grief like a comforting quilt. Sometimes we lift the corners and peek underneath and are overwhelmed that the same pain is there, but we learn that gently putting the quilt back down and resting our hands on it lets us know that we are in control of our grief, not the other way around. It takes a long, long time. It takes a lot of very hard work. But we are the ones to make our grief covering quilt and we do it in our own way, on our own time, and in our own pattern. And the quilt growers bigger with time, too, covering all those "new" things we discover bring us grief...like cleaning out our kids bedroom, or finding a diary that was hidden in a drawer, or hearing from our child's best friend years later, saying that he or she still misses and thinks about our kid. May your quilt cover your grief softly today and may you feel its warmth and weight and know that love made every stitch. Written by, Vicki W

I think it is a great analogy.

I get to head our tonight with a couple of girlfriends for supper. We need to catch up on life. I told Holden I was going out with my girl friends and he said "Your girlfriends? What, do you want to kiss them?" He said "Boys don't call their boy friends, boyfriends...why do girls?" I told him I did not kiss my girlfriends, just wanted to reassure him-I don't want rumors spreading at school!