We went to church today, it has been a while since we were there because we have been out of town most weekends. Wow, I had a really tough time. I was on the verge of tears and desperately trying to hold it all together~I contemplated walking out about 3 times when I thought my wall was going to crumble. Amazingly I held it together. Hearing the sounds of little babies, talking about baptism, and watching a little girl lay her sleepy head on her moms shoulder just kind of rubbed salt in the wound. I think I know what I want from God. I think I know why it is hard to be at church. Going back a little bit...God spoke to me one afternoon. I was in my closet. It was one of the only times when I heard him...He said, "Holly he is okay, I have him." This was not just a voice in my head, nor was it a voice anyone else could hear. That was near the time when I made the conscious decision to accept Beckett's death. I needed to really hear Him talk to me! But I have realized what it is that I want Him to say to me. I know this because the mere thought of it brings me to tears and I feel offended. I need him to simply say that I am sorry. I am sorry that I needed to call Beck back. I am sorry that this hurts you so bad. I am sorry that you do not get to hold your little boy. I am sorry that you are left to pick up the pieces. I am sorry to have hurt you. I think the true healing would begin then. I think that is why I have such emotional reactions in church.

It is like when you have had a big falling out with somebody, but you still talk to them. The relationship is not quite the same, there is like a white elephant in the room, but no one is talking about it. That road to mending the relationship will take a long time, but you are still drawn to be with them. There is something about the relationship that is still needed so you suffer through it waiting for the day the ice will be broken and your relationship ends up being stronger than it was. I know some day I will look back on this entry and say, "Wow, I have really grown."