We had another appointment today. 3 weeks went before this one and that felt like an eternity. It took a long time to find the baby's heartbeat again but I could feel movement so I knew it was just bouncing around. Mickelson said we have a very active baby. This had also been stated in 2 previous ultrasounds! Could mean we will be doing a lot of chasing in the future.

I had an official panic attack (self diagnosed) last Saturday night. I have been feeling the baby move more and more. I can usually feel it in the morning before I get up and at night when I lay down. Well, the baby had been quite quiet that whole day. I laid down several times to feel baby but could not. I did not go into panic mode until about 11pm that night. I (irrationally) thought ok, this is it, we made it this far and it is over. Could I do this again? Would we do this again? All of these horrible images and flashbacks when trying to get baby Beckett to move but nothing. Rationally, i know I will not feel consistent movement for a while yet. I know it is normal to not feel it very much right now, but it does not change the emotions and images that drift into your mind. I know this is completely normal. I found a group online that discusses all of this stuff, so I don't feel like such a whack but I know it is irrational thinking. I stayed up until 2am that night waiting to feel a little kick...finally there it was and I could finally go to sleep.

7 more weeks and I can start kick counting which will help me feel like I have more control and action to take if the #'s aren't there. I told Mickelson today that I am a bit of a nut case. I asked her what I could do when I feel panicky. She gave me the name of a nurse to call and told me I could come in daily if I would like to have the heartbeat checked. I probably won't go but it is nice to know I can show up and won't be sent home.

Hard to believe that in 15 weeks we could potentially holding our baby! That also makes me think we need to start doing a few things to get ready...just a little bit. We will need to redo the baby's room for starters. This is something I don't think I can be present for. We are just going to prime it until the baby arrives. Then we will choose a color to go onto the walls. It would also be nice if we could come up with some names. I bought a book last weekend and found about 4 boys names (Cory said no to each one:) and 1 girls name (we both like it, not sure if we love it), so this baby might be nameless. I am not sure we will share any choices we have to eliminate the chances of people making fun of the name and it goes out the window...we are very limited to what we like so we can't "risk" loosing one or two because someone spoils it:)

Thanks for all the continued prayers and thinking about us still. We are still grieving Beckett (not sure that will ever stop). We are excited to meet the new addition, but know we have a long way to go to get there.

2 more days until of Cragun's trip!!! We are very excited to head out and enjoy the beach, golf, and great friends! Let's hope for a bit of a warmer forecast right now it looks like we will be shivering on the beach!

19 weeks and 3 days today. I hope and pray the little nubin is growing inside me. I am getting really anxious for the ultrasound in 3 weeks! Really? I know...I just need to hear baby is growing and is at the 20th percentile or something close. I have really struggled with my anxieties of baby dying this last week. The little kicks are far and few between...although I can't even express the calm that comes over me when I feel them. I am elated and so in love with this baby. Then there are all the other times when I can't feel him/her and I detach myself. I don't want to get my hopes up for them just to be deflated. This is really agonizing. I knew it would be hard. I knew I'd be a whack job. But, I did not know how much energy this would zap from me or how worried I'd be all the time. People always tell me it will be just fine. It won't happen again. Just let all the fear go. Just enjoy the pregnancy. While those are great words to live by it is not possible when you know the harsh reality.

What may be surprising to some people is that I do enjoy this pregnancy in an odd sort of way. It helps me remember Beckett more vividly and those 9 months we had together. I am very grateful and in awe of what a miracle and gift being pregnant really is. I don't take this pregnancy for granted for one second. It has helped me look at little babies now without hurt or feeling sorry for myself because I have one growing inside of me. Feeling the baby move is just an amazing experience...something that can feel old hat when you've been through it a few times. Sure, it was always cool but I've never felt like this about it. I feel Beckett's presence more than ever...especially when I am struggling. So, I am enjoying the pieces of it that I can.

We had a great weekend with some friends this past weekend. We spent some time at the lake. The kids just love it! I miss living by one. I didn't really know it then, but what a treat for us to live on the lake during the summer. Lots of great memories at our cabin...and some freaky ones too!:) Spending the weekend at the lake gets me really excited for our annual trip to Cragun's resort in Brainerd, MN. We leave on the 30th of July for 4 nights. This is something the kids talk about all year round. They just love it there and we have made some great memories. I love to see the kids faces so full of excitement to be at the beach...everyday! I thought this year I'd have a little baby to keep from eating the sand and to swish tiny toes in the lake. I am sure little Beck will make a visit to us and hang out at the beach...giggling. I sure miss him and all that should have been. He is safe and living in great splendor everyday...I shouldn't complain about that.

We have just come off a very fun weekend. My sister and her family and my mom came on Thursday to spend the weekend. Mom generously came to watch all the kids while we were in a 2 day golf tournament. We had a lot of fun together. I am sure mom is tired but the kids really enjoyed having her around. So did we...who wouldn't? We came back between event on Saturday and the house smelled of homemade bread, carmel rolls, homemade pizza crusts, and chocolate chip cookies! All the while the kids were happy, in one piece, and the house was picked up!! The kids are begging me to make bread like grandma...trouble is it would never taste the same. We have enjoyed homemade toast every morning and for snack as well...mmmm!

As you know from the previous blog we had a good ultrasound with the one bit of information that has sent me into a quiet tizzy. The height of my anxiety came yesterday. On Saturday afternoon as we sat around with our feet up I had felt the baby move. I think I have felt it before but this was a "sure thing". The little kicks were even strong enough that Cory was able to feel it. Very few and far between at this point but still a heart warming feeling. Monday there were no movements that I knew for certain were from the baby. On Tuesday I went into full fledged panic mode that the baby was not going to make it. I could not feel it all day. I would lay down and patiently wait but nothing. I thought about calling the Dr and requesting a heartbeat check but I didn't want to be over anxious or hear any horrible news. I cried at the thought of burying a second child. I prayed to God that I could not bear to loose this one. I begged him to not take this baby from us. I don't know who I'd become.

This morning as I laid in bed reading I felt the baby wiggle several times. I feel a weight lifted off of me today. I feel like I can function today without being short with my kids. I feel so full of anxiety...fearing the worst. I am approaching 19 weeks. So approximately only 17 weeks left...that sounds like a daunting task emotionally. I know that with feeling the movements a new anxiety will settle in. Even with all the extra care...this will be an huge accomplishment to make it through this without being scarred for life.

I want to thank Karen for the solar light for Beckett's garden, it looks really good. I think it is complete. Thank you!

We had our 18 week ultrasound today. There is no news to share regarding girl or boy. We are going to wait that one out! This ultrasound was with the specialist. It took forever. It was at least 50 minutes long...a little longer because baby was not cooperating. The baby was in breech position and lying in such a way it made it difficult to see some of the organs well enough. They seemed to spend a lot of time on the heart. Obviously, that is a very important organ and they could not get the greatest look at it. The placenta is exactly where it should be and the cord is attached in the correct spot. The doctor said all the anatomy looked great but they will keep an eye on the heart.

Here is the BUT...I would feel so much better if I would have never heard that word. The baby is measuring small (13%). He said this is not something he would even mention right now because of all the factors but given my history it needs to be noted. He said it is nothing to be alarmed about (not likely in this situation). So I will have a repeat anatomy ultrasound in 4 weeks and they will compare the growth. If the growth is not great that will open a can on worms.

I can even begin to tell you how it makes me feel. This will great challenge to keep myself in check for 4 weeks and anxiously await the news. I am trying to hold it all in perspective but it is so hard (almost impossible) to go with the flow on this one. God help me take this one day at a time. Focus on all the positives given.

I met a new specialist today (they take turns traveling to Fargo). He concurred that an amnio at 36 weeks and delivery at the 36/37 week mark if all looks good with baby. So, if we make it that far...looks like we will be having a Thanksgiving baby, not a Christmas baby.