You never said you were leaving,

You never said goodbye.

You were gone before I knew it,

and only God knew why.

A million times I needed you,

A million times I have cried.

If love alone could have saved you,

You never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,

In death I love you still.

In my heart, you hold a place

No one could ever fill.

It broke my heart to lose you,

But you did not go alone.

For part of me went with you,

the day God took you home.

~Author Unknown

Each day that passes, the anniversary of Beck's death looms. There is much sadness in my heart as I remember all the great feelings and anticipation of meeting our little baby. I distinctly remember going with Grace on her field trip to the pumpkin patch a exactly 3 days before he would stop moving. I remember trying to stay focused on Grace and her special day, but I could not keep the excitement of having another baby at bay. I remember as I watched her run around...standing and rubbing my stomach...so proud and thinking about how our life was going to change. I remember people asking me when I was due and asking if it was a boy or a girl. I remember feeling him kick me, as I sat on that uncomfortable school bus for the 20 minute ride home. Everything seemed so perfect. And to think in just a few short days we would be told horrific news. I will NEVER, ever forget laying in that room and watching and waiting for the nurse to find our baby's heartbeat. And our life has never been the same since.

As i finished this entry, the mailman just came to my door to deliver our mail. In the pile of mail was a card from my mom and dad. Being curious (I should have guessed the nature of the card), I opened it right away. Thanks for being there for me mom in a moment when I needed it. Interesting how some things work...

My darling little boy, I miss you more than I ever thought it possible to miss a human being. Missing you all the time is hard work. For one tiny, little man...you sure take up a lot of space in my heart:)

Kiss your kids today. Make them laugh. Give them a few extra hugs. Surprise them by telling them something that is unique about them that you love so much. As long as your at it...do it for your significant other as well. Your life can change so quickly...one day everything is great and your biggest concern is how you are going to get all your laundry done. Then without warning, you are wondering how you are going to get out of bed and face the day.

Disclaimer: Nothing has happened to me personally to prompt this post. I have just heard lots of stories of heartache over the last few days!

Today is a better day! Yesterday was a pretty low day for me. The rain and cold weather probably did not help the situation either. I actually got sick later in the afternoon. I got pretty worked up and my nerves were reacting. I knew it was bad when I wanted to back out of my weekly night out with my girlfriends. I just did not feel good. I just felt depressed. However, you know the saying fake it until you make it? Well, I put those words into action and I snapped out of it. I told myself I could not cancel on my friends and I psyched myself up to put on a smile and enjoy some time without someone pulling on me or needing me. It worked.

I don't know how it always works out this way...probably because I just have some great friends...but they always seem to know when I need to talk about Beckett. It helped. And the one thing about those particular friends, is that I know that they try so hard to understand how this affects our family each and every day. I appreciate it so much. Not because I want attention or for people to feel sorry for me...that is the last thing on my mind. What I appreciate so much is that they remember our little boy. They keep his spirit alive. That is what touches me. That is what I appreciate. He is not forgotten. As long as I live this life, he will be alive in me.

I am so sad. It is coming up on 2 years since Beckett died and I am overcome with grief. I was driving to a store today and I drove by the funeral home where he was. I am starting to have regrets that I did not go there. I did not go there to pick out a casket. I did not go there to hold him one last time. I did not go because I was a coward and I lacked the courage to face reality. The pain was too immense and I couldn't do it. I wish I would have. I wish now that I would have taken every single opportunity I had to be with him because today I feel overwhelmed by the lack of time I had with him. I hate that he died. I hate that he is not here. I hate that instead of planning his birthday party I am thinking about how to honor the anniversary of his death.

I walked Liv into her bedroom this morning for her nap.  All I could see were the mocha walls with painted dots...the clothes lined up in the closet. The clothes neatly folded in the dresser. His blankets that were waiting for him. Overcome with sadness, I held Liv tight and cried, while she patted me on the back:) And I thanked God that she is here with us.

Friday night dance party!

Here is Liv dancing to her favorite tune...Dynamite...by Taio Cruz. Whenever she hears the tune she stops and starts shaking it:) By the way, we apologize for the annoying voice (Grace) in the background;) She wanted people to think it was Liv singing.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VYe5AjfLWb0&feature=channel

Have a great weekend!