First Holiday, Beckett would have been 2 weeks old

Today is the first official holiday without our baby. Halloween isn't a holiday that I get too excited about. Most people wouldn't really think it would be that big of a deal. In all my preparations for the baby, I had bought a cute knitted pumpkin hat for the baby to wear on Halloween. He is buried in that hat. The kids wanted to buy a full on costume for the baby to wear. I knew I would not be trick-or-treating with my kids. I'd stay home with the baby and show him/her off to all my friends and strangers. I am such a planner that I was envisioning all these little things. That is what makes this day hard. I had it all planned out in my head. I'd be hurrying to get the kids dressed, fed, while answering doorbells, baby crying, everything chaotic. Then the kids would leave with daddy and baby and I would hand out candy together. The kdis would be so excited to show me everythign when they got home. I'd have to tell them to be quiet because the baby is sleeping. Does anyone else think this far ahead? Maybe I am wierd...I sound wierd. Well, a positive thing is that I will get to watch the kids trick or treat. It will be interesting to see if Grace actually says the magic words or if she whispers them.

On another note, we received a surprise package on our doorstep this morning. Cory discovered it first. It was a big, disgusting turd in tinfoil on our front step! (Some people are probably wondering what type of neighborhood we live in). I get that it is Halloween...but that is in very bad taste! Not funny. I am guessing it may have been the same person or group who enjoys torturing our kids by demolishing their snowmen, stealing their pumpkins...someone is very comfortable walking up to our house. I really want to hang a sign that says "Our son is dead, back off."
~The funny thing is when I returned from morning appointments there was another package in tinfoil at our front door. I was ready to come unglued, but it was a loaf of bread with a beautiful card from someone who reads this blog. Thank you!~

Some of you know that we had an appointment with my doctor. It was a very difficult appointment to go to. I knew I had to wear a hat and pull it down to cover my eyes so I would not have to look at all of the pregnant mothers, little newborns, ect. Thankfully, it was not that busy. I always feel like I am on the verge of loosing control when I am in those situations. It is hard to hold back the tears. I am really good at just letting them pool without them falling out.

We heard some things today that were both comforting and heartbreaking. This was the first time we could really ask questions about what had happened. First, I told her that we did not care for the physician that took care of us. She told me right away that she was sorry and that she would have liked to have been notified of our situation. Whew...she can still be my doctor. I knew I liked her. I did not want to pose that question to her because really what would she say? "No Holly, I would not like to be bothered on my weekend off"?

Then we spoke about the possibilities of why this happened. Why did Beckett die? The reports indicated there was no medical reason, that they could tell, without an autopsy, the reason for his death. There were no underlying conditions in me, there were no cord issues or placenta issues...he was a perfect baby boy. That hurts...it really hurts. It was excruciating when they announced that in the OR. "A beautiful baby boy with lots of hair". Knife right threw the heart out and then twisted for good measure! Granted, we did not ask for an autopsy. What did it matter really? The outcome was the same. On the other hand, we are thankful. Thankful...to know he probably did not suffer or struggle. Thankful...he probably just fell asleep and did not wake up. Thankful...that there was not a "condition" that went undetected in me that could have prevented this.

So, it is both a blessing and a heartache. A mystery...a reason for Beckett's death will not be known. That is something else I will have to digest and work through. We kind of knew that already, but it is confirmed. It is the end of the story. You always tend to want and answer. Sometimes that makes it easier to process. It medically it is probably better that there was not a "reason". If we decide to try for a fourth child, we don't have to make that decision based on possible complications we could face. We would certainly have intense anxieties and I am guessing it would not be a pleasant 38 weeks.

Some people are asking about my "veins"...I had a couple of doctors take a look see at them. Facial expressions are priceless...it is something I can get a real giggle out of. They discussed lancing them...sounded scary to me...I was picturing myself in this huge pull-up to contain the blood! They decided that it would need to be done in a surgical setting. Thank goodness...I hate my veins but I was pretty nervous about the outcome. Looks like I will go back to the vascular surgeon and see what he thinks. Holly maybe having another surgery very soon. They spoke of lasers so that can't be too bad. Right?? So the veins stay for a while.

So, I really don't know what else to write. I kind of feel numb right now. It will take some time to work through the news. Thankfully my dear friend Donna will be here tonight and we can work through it together. I know there will be a lot of sarcasm and words shared that we always tell our children not to use like "stupid" "dumb"...

As I was doing a little grocery shopping at Wally World, Sorry to all of you Walmart lovers, but I just don't like it! So I was in a little bit of a bad mood...I didn't want to be there but I needed to buy black hair paint and to save a trip to the grocery store I thought I'd get it all done in one shot. I was just waiting for someone to ask if something was wrong or tell me to cheer up and then I'd let them have it. I feel so bad for secretly, well now publicly, wanting just to yell at some unsuspecting stranger. That is so cruel. The good news is, I would only say those things in my head. Big talker, no action. It just feels good to think it.

I can't control my mind sometimes, I see baby toys, Christmas stuff, baby stuff...I still get so angry (a lot of swear words run through my mind). I feel so hurt and so robbed. It is like someone came and just took something very special that was ours and it's not fair, I know I'll never get it back and I am mad. I want to throw a temper tantrum. I want to chase after whoever did this and get it back.

I know Jesus has Beckett. I know he will allow me to throw a few temper tantrums and get away with it, like we let our own kids do sometimes. I am trying so hard to come to terms with the fact that this is how my life is now, our life. It is like it was before. I was planning and preparing for the changes we would have in our family. I wanted those... no matter how tough, crazy, tired our lives would be. I want my Beckett. I want my little boy. I secretly and then sometimes not so secretly wished for a little boy. I love my little girl like crazy and I would gladly take 2 but I wanted a little guy. I got him.

It is a beautiful day today, we are supposed to top out at 70 degrees. As I was driving home I looked over to Beckett's grave site and I had to go to him. I visited him alone today. I cleared all the leaves away. I sobbed for our little boy. I have to find something to mark his grave before it is covered with snow and I can't find his when I drive by. I wonder why I torture myself sometimes. Why do I purposely take that route? Why do I always glance over whenever I go somewhere?

I was doing a little reading yesterday, which lead to some thinking, which led to some internalizing, which led to some possible answers that I can work with. I have an anxious personality. I get extremely nervous when there is bad weather and I worry about car accidents. That is a very big fear for me. To help myself try and cope with those situations, I always tell myself I give that control to God and I feel a little bit better.

Maybe that is my light bulb moment. We have learned that we are not in control. If I were in control Beckett would be in our arms, sleeping in his bassinet, and being loved up 24/7. I think our lives are in God's hands. I have always believed that he was an ever present, all knowing God. This is where I get hung up in this tragedy, all tragedies.

How could he do this to us? He knew we would love that boy and raise him to be a christian. How could he cause my children pain? Why would he take Holden's little brother away? Why would he take Grace's little playmate away? Why does He want us to suffer? I think the answer is we are all on our own journey. We have some control, but ultimately He knows where we will end up. He doesn't want us to suffer but we are all so connected that it just happens. Maybe each of us is on our own journey, even though we are all intertwined...we still have our own journey in this life.

That is a hard concept for me to grasp, when you have your family that you love so much. How can this not be about all of us together? Maybe Beckett was on his own journey? Maybe we were lucky enough to be chosen to care for him for such a short time? Maybe that was an honor we received? A gift from God? Even though it hurts so badly and I want him with us so desperately..maybe this was God's plan...not a plan to hurt us and cause us pain...but Beckett's plan. We just happen to be the ones given to love him. It is all too large to grasp. It doesn't make the heartache, longing and pain go away, but maybe it is a concept I can build on that may bring me some peace and understanding later on.

I know our little boy is in heaven. The hard part is not knowing how he got there, who cares for him, and will he know us when it is our turn. Does he know that I miss him? Does he know how much I love him? Does he know how bad I am hurting? Does he watch us? Does he miss us? Does he know when I am thinking of him? It is so hard to not know...I still want to be his mommy. I am not sure how to do that from so far away.

This is photo is when we first held our baby boy. I think this picture captures all of our emotions. I love this photograph. These pictures were taken by a family friend Ria. I will give readers a link to her website so you can see the beautiful work that she does. She is an amazing artist, http://www.rialeephotography.com/

We had her scheduled to take pictures of our newborn baby. Things didn't go as planned, but she did a beautiful job capturing our moments with Beckett. Oh, how I wish things were different.

My first laugh...

Last night, I had my first laugh since the Saturday we learned our baby had gone to heaven. Sure I have giggled, but it was empty. It was a very powerful moment, yet it sounds so silly. I am embarrassed to tell people what I had laughed at, but I know all the mom's and dad's out there (well I hope we are not the only ones!) have had this experience. We were all laying in bed, well Grace was on the floor because she was too hot to cuddle (could it be because she was in a full fleece flower costume with mittens on as pajamas?), and there was a smell. Cory said "Seriously Holden..." I don't want to embarrass my little boy so I won't share any further you can come up with your own ending. I was laughing! It was a genuine laugh. The look on my husband's face as he looked at me was pure joy. It was a moment we were all aware of. Just a shared moment...that we all felt...even if it was unspoken. We had a glimpse of our old selves. It felt really good even if the moment passed. It was there and it gives me a little more hope that it will return. It will return without guilty feelings associated with it.

There used to be a lot of genuine laughter at our house. I don't mean to brag or anything, but we have a pretty neat little family. There is a lot of fun to be had. A lot of smiles, giggles, and laughter. A lot of game playing, tickling, rough housing...just a lot of love shared between us all. We are all crazy about each other (well most times:)...I can't get too nostalgic.

When you go through a death in the family, death of a child, you get really wrapped up in yourselves. I am really wrapped up in my own grief. We talk about what each other is going through, but we each have to work it out and find the best ways to cope within ourself. Cory and I have decided that we need to plan a little getaway, just the two of us. We were generously given a condo in Scottsdale to stay in for a long weekend. My family will be taking care of the kids. They are both a little nervous about us leaving and probably a little jealous that we are going on a plane and they are not. We think they will have enough distractions staying at Sherri's house that they will hardly know we are gone. And if we promise to bring them back a snow globe we should be a-ok. (They have decided to start a snow globe collection). Help me! I do not like a lot of knick-nacks! But I will do anything for those little buggers. Hopefully the trip will reconnect us and we can share a few hardly laughs. We know those Arizonians will be laughing at us when we step out in our swim suits to enjoy the outdoor pool when it is 75 degrees! We went a few years ago and all the outdoor pools were shut down and here Cory and I were with our suits and towels ready to lounge by the pool with our books and towels in hand. Hey, we are from Minnesota! It was 72 degrees in December!

I know that some people are hesitant to leave a message for us on this blog or can't figure it out, but we'd love to know where it has traveled. Thanks for reading.

This morning was tough one. I completed a letter I was writing to the hospital where we gave birth to Beckett. The doctor we had was VERY professional. By that, I mean she did not show us much compassion. She was not mean, but we got less than fuzzy feelings about her. Anyway, I retold our story of those first few hours after learning about our baby Beckett. It brought back so many feelings. It makes me sad that when I think of Beckett I think of all the pain in our hearts. We have no memories of him outside my womb that are not full of sorrow and pain.

Maybe that is why I am sad all of the time. When I remember him I only have heartache, and I think about him all day long. There is literally not a minute that goes by that I do not think about him. When I am doing laundry, I think about him. When I am unloading the dishwasher, I am thinking about him. When I walk up our stairs, I think about him. When I am playing with my kids, I am thinking about him. Maybe that is my way of letting him know I am caring for him and trying to protect his memory. I hope my kids can't tell or won't remember that I was an emotionally absent mother for a period in their lives. It feels so unfair to them. I feel so guilty about it, but I can't help it. I can only hope that as time passes I will be able to be fully present for them. That also scares me too because then where does Beckett fit in? How do you keep his memory alive without feeling sorrowful when you never got to make any memories? There are no answers, only hope, I guess.

Anyway, I hope to add some more pictures of Beckett soon. So you'll have to check in to see. Thank you to everyone who continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers, we still need them!

A poem given to me by a friend...

To the Child in My Heart

Precious, tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family

We never had the chance to play,
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle.
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to you giggle.

I'll always be your mother
He'll always be your dad.
You will always be our child,
The child that we had.

But now you're gone...but yet you're here.
We'll sense you everywhere.
You are our sorrow and our joy.
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong.
We'll forget you never~
The child we had, but never had,
And yet will have forever.

We tried to find great poems when we were planning Beckett's service. That was a difficult task. This one tells it very nicely and maybe it will find another family.

My youngest sister Mandie and her little one Julia came to spend the weekend with us. Having the comfort of ones family is so good. We got out for a little shopping. We picked out a memory box to keep all of Beckett's stuff in. While we were sitting at the table, her organizing his belongings and I writing thank you cards...it felt so awful. We should be sitting around holding him-organizing pictures of him-sending out birth announcements-laughing. Instead we were trying to get everything in order and thanking people for helping us in our time of need.

Today we decided to tackle the job of reorganizing the baby room. Nothing feels right! All the work I did to prepare that room for a baby is now back to being the kids play room. Everything I moved out, we moved back in. It is so unfair. How quickly life can steer you in another direction. We were on such a high. The long wait was almost over. We had envisioned the upcoming holidays with a baby. The spring time. How our summer would be a little different with a baby. You plan so far ahead for what your life will be like and in a matter of hours it is all taken from you and you are left to deal. No answers...You really don't know what to do with yourself. It doesn't feel comfortable to be doing anything other than caring for your baby right now.

Someone wrote in a card that Beckett will be all around us. We should look for him in the first snowfall. Well, today was the first snowfall here in Moorhead. I had envisioned the first snowfall and thinking of him. It would be dark and the big flakes would fall slowly and glisten. We would all be standing together holding our hands out to catch them. Holden and Grace with their tongues out. Instead the wind is whipping the snow horizontally. It is wet and cold. When I think about it is pretty ironic. They way you imagine and plan things and the way they turn out sometimes. How beautiful it can all be and then how ugly things can get. It is just how life works and sometimes it just isn't fair.

I just want to tell everyone thank you for reading the blog...sharing it with other people. I know there are readers out there that I never would have guessed would be tuning in. That is very comforting. I want everyone to know about our little Beckett and how special he is to us.

To my little Beckett,

Hey little buddy! Mommy thought about you almost every minute today. It was 3 weeks today when mommy and daddy walked into the hospital to deliver you. When I think back I can't believe that we actually did that. I can't believe we had the strength to do that. Walking into the hospital scared out of our minds, we didn't want to have to say hello and goodbye to you. It still seems so unfair that you were taken from us. It hurts us so much to not have you with us.

I could not sleep again last night. Well technically, just in the early morning. I feel like that is our alone time. Your mommy likes to sleep on my left side which would just happen to be where your bassinet would have been. Ironically, it is also the direction of your grave site, just two blocks away. So I lay and imagine you and what you are doing in heaven. Where do you sleep? Do you sleep? Are you a baby boy? Or are you able to run and play? Are you sitting there with Grandpa and Grandma Oster? Grandpa Laugen? I just wonder what it is like for you and who cares for you. It is so hard to not know, but we just need to trust and believe in our faith. It is a struggle now, especially when I am questioning everything and trying to come up with a version that I can be comforted by. I just have to believe those things will come to us over time.

I love you my sweet angel boy and I long to hold you and rock you. I so desperately want to know that you know about us and that you smile on us. I wonder if you miss people when you are just a little baby in heaven. We sure miss you! I want you to know that mommy keeps a picture of you close to my heart. I hold you all the time.

All my love to you my baby boy,

Mommy

A night out...

Last night a friend of mine forced me to leave the house with her. I didn't really want to go but I pushed myself to do it anyway. I will admit it did feel good to get out of the house for a little bit. We just did a little shopping and sat down for a burger and a drink. Of course these days I am not really buying too many clothing items as absolutely nothing fits right or looks good. At least when you have a baby with you wherever you go you feel like you have an excuse to look pudgy. When you have empty arms it just makes you feel like a blob of mush and you get angry at yourself. It may have helped if I would have chosen a simple salad, fruit, and diet drink, but nooo...I went for it with a burger, fries, and a strawberry margarita!

As we strolled around the mall we entered Victoria Secret. maybe some cute underwear and matching bra might make a girl feel good for a little bit. I was actually in VS two days before we heard the horrifing news about our baby. I was there to look for something cute to wear for my hospital stay...this was my last baby, I wanted to treat myself a little. While in there I ran into an old aquaintance. She was actually the wife of a chiroprator we had taken our kids too. They actually had a baby girl who had died at 2 months old...if I remember right she had a brain aneorism. This was one of those couple I wanted to reach out to but just didn't know what to do.

Anyway, I kept peeking around the store...in the attempt to ditch out if I spotted her. She had helped me find something to wear just a few weeks earlier. As luck would have it I almost ran right into her. She was a little startled and then she recognized who I was. Immediately she looked to my belly. It was obvious I was no longer pregnant. We talked to a brief moment and then I felt I just needed to spit it out. We cried together and she held me. We talked about things. It makes me wonder are all these things coincidences? Are they meant to happen? On Tuesday when we attended that remembrance service I saw her daughters picture on the slide show. It all seems a little weird to have happened in that sequence. I am sure I will be in touch with her. We have different stories, but we are both still hurting. She ended up having another little girl!

I do know now that sleeping, cuddling, and crying into Beckett's blanket is normal! Someone else does it. Since I am more of an introvert than extrovert, I think I will need to push myself to reach out to these other moms. I actually felt sick after talking with her, my friend said she felt the same way. However, I also felt some hope for myself...for my family.

On another note, my younger sister and her little girl Julia are heading this way for the weekend. We are very excited to have them staying with us. I have a few creative jobs for her to help me with. We will see what we can get done with 2 little tots running around. I better get the house a little shaped up before they arrive.

Thanks for all the prayers, e-mails, phone calls, letters, cards, packages for kids, food, magazines, coffee...it is all so wonderful and truly is helping us-keeping me sane!

I had a handful of wonderful friends who stopped by yesterday, unannounced~they are welcomed surprises. I am so grateful that I have all these people looking out for us. Friends that are not afraid of us. I am not saying that I know people are afraid of us, but there are definately people that are uncomfortable and not sure how to act. I can tell you from previous expereince...I was that person. I always thought I'd be bugging someone, I am not a person they'd want to hear from, they need alone time, I don't want to intrude...there were a lot of reasons to be hesitant, but I have learned through this-it is simple things that can get a person through a really hard day. A quick e-mail, a card, stopping by with a magazine, or a visit. It is so appreciated. I know for a fact that if I did not have these people in my (our) life...I'd be in an even darker place right now!

This is my first experience with death of someone very close to me. It happened to be our child. I was always so uncomfortable with it. I still will be, but at least I will have a little insight into what someone might need to keep going. I am thankful for that knowledge.

Last night Holden had his first hockey practice, I know we never wanted to be involved with hockey! Nontheless, there we were. I was so proud of him...he tried so hard, he fell a million times and got up fast and keep going. We were not sure of what he'd say after getting off the ice (he has never really ice skated much-especially not with all the pads!). He loved it! He was the sweatiest I'd ever seen him. I was not sure what to expect at the rink, there were a lot of people, a lot of familiar faces-but oh boy, I was completely wiped out! I started to get real panicky, I wnated to get out of there! When I got home...I had to release it. I went up to our closet and just let it out. It was too much! Too many people! Too much normal! I don't really understand why I was so agitated. Gosh, I hope i am not going off the deep end:) I am going to guess that it was all too much too soon.

That is the part that is difficult to deal with as a mom who is very active in their child's lives. I want to be there for as much as I can. Supporting them, seeing them succeed, giving pep talks when there are disappointments, playing with them...it is really hard to be there when you are struggling with just needing to be alone with your grief. That is a daily struggle and something that I feel immensely guilty for. This morning they both crawled into our bed for cuddles. As I had my arms around both Holden and Grace I felt so grateful and so much love for them, but I was also thinking Beckett should be here too. I just feel so guilty about not being able to just be in that moment and appreciate it without being angry. I hope these feelings are all normal.

Today will be my second morning alone as Grace goes to preschool. These days are pretty tough for me as I know that this was my planned "baby" time. This was going to be mommy and baby time to just cuddle and sleep together. Now these days will be without him physically but thinking about him...wondering about him...wondering about his journey without us.

All cried out...

Last night we decided to attend a candle light service held in our community to remember all babies that have died. Wow! Did we pour out the tears. The music was beautiful. Parents shared stories or poems written for their little ones. One dad got up and spoke, he lost his son at 6 months old due to severe prematurity, he was one of five babies growing inside his wife. The four surviving children are actually in the same grade as Holden, in the same school. One of them is his friend, now they have another connection.

The father said that he was not going to tell us he know how we feel because he doesn't. We've each taken our own journey and have our own unique stories. What we all do have in common is that we can understand the pain and the emptiness parents and families feel when they have lost a baby. That is so true. It was good to see that we are not alone (that is something we knew, but you still feel different from everyone else). It was also sad to see that so many other families have faced these tragedies. It is just so unnatural for your child to leave this world before you do. It also scared me a little, but also comforted me to see that even after years have passed the pain is still so evident.

It scares me because it is really hard to face each day without your baby. It is just so painful. I have a really hard time thinking about where his body lies. That is really a struggle for me. I feel an overwhelming sense that I still need to protect him and keep him warm. The body is just a body, but it is really hard to separate that from the spirit when the body is all you have known. There are times when I just want to crawl out of my skin and jump into a new one to feel good again. To feel alive. To feel like myself again. It scares me not to know how this new Holly is going to be. I just have to believe that I will return a better, stronger person.

It comforted me to see some families, look peaceful, happy...picking up and moving forward but never forgetting that child that left such a strong mark. It was good to see some moms pregnant again after all the tragedy (some had lost several babies). It gives me hope that although our family will never be the same without Beckett in our lives (we will always dream and wonder what might have been), he will be there in spirit and one day we will be able to pick up our shattered hearts and glue them together and enjoy what we have while we are here on earth but ALWAYS remembering Beckett and the joy he brought all of us.

He made us laugh even though he was in my tummy. He did funny little tricks. He moved wildly when the kids would talk to him or sing him songs. He always got the hiccups after I chewed a glass of ice. He would shiver in my tummy. He'd keep me up in the middle of the night trying to get comfy. I was pretty nauseated for the first four months. I was sick all day long and I was miserable. I remember telling my sister, "I can't wait to meet the little bugger who was making me so sick". I jokingly said, this little girl or boy better be darn cute so I forget all this. He met every expectation! I fell in love with his sweet little face. I can't stop staring at him and envisioning him. I would do it all over again and again and again despite the outcome, just to be close to him once again, just to get to be his mommy.

I thought I could cry no more after last night, at least for one day...wrong again! Then something seems to always happen...a dear friend of mine just rang the doorbell and had a Starbucks for me! As one of my aunts said, that is God's work sending people to us (well, me in this case). I needed that!

I will start with a funny kid story, try to lift the mood a little. Grace has been yelling for me to come as quickly as I can for the last week now to view something that has been advertised on television. She wants EVERYTHING! Her list for Christmas is longer than I am tall. (She also yells for me to see things she thinks Holden would like too.) This is starting to get a little annoying to say the least. This morning as we were having breakfast together she used her frantic voice to get my attention to see something she wanted. "I want that, mom. I want that, mom" and then she said "Oh, I already have that, but I still want that." In the midst of my silent crying she made me crack up.

Two new little kids from down the street came to play after school yesterday, I have never heard of them or seen them before but they seemed like nice kids. Holden knew them. When they asked if they could come in I said for just a little while and Holden said, "Don't worry mom they know what happened to our baby. They know he died." Then the conversation continued with a million questions, How did he die? Are you sad, Is he in a grave yard? What grave yard? They are just kids but they are so blunt. I just wanted to run away and scream. (I'd also like to scream because the 6 year old told me he was home alone, his grandma was watching him but she left...let's just hope that was not true).

Holden and I had a little "alone" time last night. I asked him about how he is feeling about Beckett and what happened. He said he didn't know. It makes him really sad. He said he thinks about him a lot. We shared such a great moment together. He is such a kind and sweet soul. I know the heavens are better than here on earth, but Beckett sure is missing out on a great brother down here.

This tragedy has shaken us all so badly. We are going to get some family grief counselor to try and help us wrap our minds around this reality of our life now. I still don't want to accept it, I am still angry, I think about Beckett all the time, I fantasize about holding him and doing all those things a mommy does for their baby. I want Beckett...

Well, it is cowboy day at Little Lights, Grace's preschool, I must get her all dressed up. She has quite the get-up. I can't believe I actually have pink cowboy boots and a pink suede cowgirl hat to match!

Routine...

So back to the routine it is. This morning went pretty well. I think I got everyone ready for their activities. I know I packed a snack for Holden and that is pretty important to a 1st grader.

As the morning went on I kept thinking how this was to be the day we brought our baby home. Our house would be filled with all the things a baby needs. Instead, we packed all those things away a few days ago. You wouldn't think seeing a box of baby wipes would bring you to tears, but it does. I can try and protect myself from seeing all these things, but I have to face it. We do not have our baby boy coming home to us. We will daydream about all the things that might have been but are not. Beckett has a different home.

It is crazy how many different situations you see in public can evoke a reaction from me. It is amazing how quickly I can feel tears filling my eyes, just from seeing a pregnant mom. Or how seeing a toddler can bring me to think of what I think Beckett would have looked like at that age. Loosing a baby is tough stuff. Learning to cope with these feelings everyday will be tough stuff. There seems to be a different emotion everyday. There is no order. I spoke with the wonderful man Nick from the funeral home today...like he said everyday will just be different. He did not tell me that everyday things will get better or easier, because honestly they don't. It is just simply different.

I don't always mean to be such a downer, but behind the smile is a lot of sadness.

Love to all of you!

Glory Baby...

This is the song we played at Beckett's service...the words are so perfect! I wanted to share it.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pyd8vnuOdzI you can listen here.

Glory Baby, You slipped away As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened Dear,
You disappeared on us baby, baby
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you

CHORUS
We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay*
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until mom and dad can hold you*
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing
All things work together for our good
And God works his purposesJust like he said he would,
just like he said he would

Without you it's lonely...

They say times heals and that in time the pain will not be so great...not that many people can be wrong can they? I feel like as time has past the pain is worse. It is a different kind of heartache than in the previous 2 weeks. I think the finality of it is settling in. I realize that time will not stop. It keeps going. My sister described it best...it's like you are in a movie and all the characters are spinning around you and you are standing still. That is exactly how it feels. You want to cry out "STOP", just let me be here...but it keeps going. That is becoming more and more of a reality and it cuts you.

The pain of knowing what all these days should have been is excruciatingly painful as well. Regular life starts tomorrow for us. I have to put Holden on the bus. Take Grace to her gymnastics. Feed my husband and Grace lunch. All the routine things that up to this point have been taken care of for me. Maybe it will be a good thing. It is hard right now to see all the positives.

I miss Beckett with such a ferocity. I fell in love and it was taken so quickly. I miss him. I want him back. I want him with us. It is getting harder and harder to look at all the pictures. I did not expect that. I just really hope that he know how much we love and miss him. I hope that from in the heavens he can see how much we love him. Does that happen in heaven?

Just sad...

Good day to all of you!

Last night Cory and I took Sherri and Bill out to a great restaurant for some good food and conversation as a thank you for all they have done, do for us, and will do in the future. We really enjoyed sitting down at a quiet restaurant together. We had some laughs.

When we returned home around 9:30p (I know we are crazy!) we noticed that one of the kids pumpkins had been stolen while we were out. It angered me on so many levels. First and foremost I was appalled that someone had the nerve to walk up to our house, to our front step, and take our pumpkins while the kids were inside~awake! Mother bear will come out if I ever catch the little rascals. Some people have no respect. Thank goodness I did not catch them because if I did I was in just the right mood to take after them.

It is so interesting how a person can change overnight or within a course of hours even. This whole experience has changed me in so many ways. I still have my humor, thank goodness. Some of these changes I know are temporary. Some changes will be with me for a life time. I am not ready to share all of those yet- I don't even know them all yet. I have lots of time for reflection, in the dark of the night when I can't sleep.

I was up really early this morning overcome with great sadness. No cries today, that was a first. I was just extremely sad. I just felt empty. This whole grieving process throws you so many different emotions. Nothing in a book can prepare you for all that you will feel. The hardest part is that there are no two people that grieve the same. This could be our biggest challenge to overcome as a family.

I think we care going to try and keep this a normal Saturday. It is extremely hard to believe that 2 weeks ago we lost Beckett. It seems so long ago but yet so fresh. We took Holden to his last flag football game today. Beckett would be so proud-he scored 5 touchdowns! One of them an interception...it was fun to watch and I know Beckett would have looked up to him so much. We are probably going to head to the pumpkins patch too. The kids need some normal, even though I'd love to curl up in a dark room and just be. The kids are a motivator to not sulk all day long.

Letter to Beckett

Dear baby Beckett,
Today was to be your birthday. A long 10 months of carrying you inside me. Finally, the day we have long awaited for arrives, but you are not here. You will never be her physically in our arms. We will not all be in the crowded hospital room fighting over who gets to hold you next. We won't be staring at that sweet face and talking about who you look like. We are not dressing you up in all the cute little things we bought for you. We won't feel that excitement of seeing your eyes open and look around the room all of us trying to get your attention. All of us acting like goofy adults speaking in baby. Your brother and sister who loved you so much through my tummy, won't be holding you and everyone snapping pictures to catch their reactions.

Holden won't be gently touching your face and smiling his sweet smile at you. Grace will not be tickling your chin and saying incessantly, "Beckett, Beckett, look at me. Look at me." Grandma and grandpa's will not be gazing at you with the proudest smile upon their faces. Aunts and uncles will not be holding you and telling you about all the fun you were going to have together. Mommy and daddy will never get to sleep with you lying on us. Mommy and daddy will never get to fight over who has been a baby hog. We will not be calling all of our family and friends to tell them the good news, "It's a boy!" We will not be loading pictures onto the Internet to e-mail everyone.

No, today we are holding you close in our hearts. Wishing and hoping you would be here with us. Instead we are planning what we should do to commemorate this day. We plan to visit your grave site, on this cold, wet day to being you some pumpkins the kids painted just for you. We plan to release some balloons into the heavens for you. Maybe we will watch the beautiful slide show Ria made for us to remember our beautiful baby.

We love you Beckett and we did since the moment we knew you were growing inside of me. You are so beautiful and innocent. We will never let your spirit fade. We miss you more than we ever knew we could miss someone. I pray that God is holding you in his arms this day and telling you about us.

Love, Mom and Dad

The pain is almost unbearable today. The night was restless much like it is the night before you know you are to deliver but with a different feeling. A feeling of uneasiness and anguish for the day to come and what should have been. It was supposed to be such a joyous day, a day for celebration. We never saw this coming...we never planned for anything close to this.

I always thought of myself as a planner but someone who could appreciate each day and be thankful. Now I know what that really means...

Many Thanks!

I just want to thank everyone, I wish I could do this personally, for all your heartfelt sympathies, words, prayers, and for those people that are always checking in on us. We are so blessed to be surrounded by such love and genuine caring from those around us. We have heard from so many unexpected people and it is truely amazing!

There will be many things that we will learn from this experience, but something we have already learned is how to help people in a time of need. I personally have never experienced death so close to me. I have never lost someone that I have loved so much. I will know how to reach out to others in their darkest hours. The simplist things have such a great impact. Do not think for a moment that the act of sending a card to someone does not impact them. The e-mail here and there to reassure people that they are still thinking of you. Someone sending a magazine or a sweet book. Someone sending something little for the kids. These have all been so wonderful! We are SO thankful. We will pay it forward.

I want to thank all of the people who have been feeding us with such wonderful meals! Since this tragedy we have had non stop meals and will continue to get them until the end of October! Unbelieveable! We enjoy seeing everyone and the kids love to have the 5 o'clock visitor. It has been such a help. The last thing I want to think about is cooking a meal and doing all the dishes. We appreciate it so much!!

I also want to thank my family and Cory's family so being here to help us through. Each one of them has done something very special for us. Our close friends have done and continue to do
so many wonderful things for us...I can't even express my gratitude and I never will be able to properly thank them.

My best friend from high school is flying in all the way from Oregon to be here with us through that first holiday. We are so excited to have her come. I wish it were under better circumstances, but I am sure we will fill ourselves up on fountain pop and a little more retail therapy!

So today's blog is just a HUGE thank you to everyone! Thank you to those who tune in to the blog. Maybe someday this might help someone get through a tough time...maybe someone will know how to help someone through a tough time...who knows.

Tomorrow is going to be a very difficult day for me. My sister and mom/dad were all supposed to come tonight and we'd sit around and bet on if the baby would be a boy or a girl, talk about what he/she would look like and all that excitement leading up to the moment when you finally get to meet that beautiful blessing. Unfortunately, that is not what tomorrow will signify. We plan to do something to celebrate what would have been Beckett's birthday. We plan to visit his grave site and release a few balloons as we did the day we said goodbye. The pain is so overwhelming at times.

Wow...who am I

We have all had the moments when we stop...what was I just thinking? What was I just going to do? What day is it? I used to feel I was pretty organized and able to put my day together pretty well, with the occasional lapse in memory. Nothing compares to the way I am feeling today. I can have 20 good minutes, conversation can flow, my mind is connecting-wham! In space...it is the wierdest state of being somewhere, but not really being there. Walking through the motions, but not connecting with them. I feel for my children for when our family needs to get on with their lives, we have to go through the day alone...I hope that I will have this burst of knowing what to do. Right now I feel like I know what to do but I lack any motivation to do it. My mom and dad have been here since Sunday afternoon and my sister rolled in last night to get us through this weekend.

Friday was supposed to be Beckett's birthday. I had big hearts circled on every October 17th in my house. I know it is going to be so painful. We waited 37 weeks to meet this little one. I knew I was pregnant at 4 weeks. From the moment I first felt him move I knew his patterns of sleep, awake time, hiccups and how excited he seemed to get when the kids would talk to my belly. He was already apart of our family, it was just a matter of time before we got to meet him. This was supposed to be such a joyous time. Instead, I am looking at a perfect baby room door that is shut and cold. Baskets of baby clothes I had ready to put on the baby. Blankets bought for him. Stacks of diapers and the most expensive wipes. Baby wash, baby wash clothes, baby wipes (the most expensive and softest, of course:) baby swing...the list can go on. Someday I will have to go and put that all away...for that dream is over.

One thing that I know I can do is kiss my kids, hug my kids, beg them for cuddles, and hold them when they are sad. Those are important things. Please everyone...give your kids just a little more patience, a little more love, and a validate their feelings (even if it is being upset over not getting a brownie at breakfast). Even if you can only have the energy to do it for an hour. They are such precious little gifts.

Just a note to pass on that a friend shared with me...tonight at 7pm across the nation people are lighting candles to remember all the babies that have gone to heaven, like Beckett. So if you are at home please participate in creating a wave of light across the nation-we will be!

Empty Arms

It is really interesting to me how your body still acts like it is pregnant or that it is caring for a child. It is actually really cruel. I think I shoudl lobby for research to come up with a serum that erases all of the aftermath of pregnancy for those who loose their children. Maybe the Days of Our Lives directors have something cool I can take. I woke last night after dreaming about having a baby. I never found out if it was a boy or a girl, I was just screaming at the nurses and doctor "Is the baby okay? Is the baby okay?" I woke to find that I was wet from breast milk. Great, get up put some pads in, change shirt and go back to bed. It all seems to cruel. We used to laugh when something like that would happen-amazement at the human body...now it just really irritates me.

When I woke early this morning, well I initially woke because I had a 6 year old stalking us (when will he learn to just tap us on the shoulder), I had my quiet time. I consider this my quiet time with my baby boy...I just let the tears fall and his blanket catch them. Of course, wouldn't you know it I had a let down. Seriously!!! Leave me alone. I don't want to think that I would have been waking up to nurse him, taking him downstairs to cuddle him before anyone else woke up, sharing that precious quiet time with baby that you don't get too often with older kids.

I used to complain that I always had to get up, but now I know that was a gift. If we ever come together and decide that we want to try for a fourth child (you will probably catch me still complaining)...but I will revel in those moments.

Today was a pretty good day. I am thankful for the times when I feel my heart at peace. I find that the mornings are the hardest time for me. My mom said it is because you know you need to start a new day. My days for 6 years have always began with my kids, maybe that is why. I know I have another little child who is waking in the arms of Jesus and not mine. That is a hard pill to swallow. Even though I know there is no better place and it is the place where we all want to be...I don't know even how to finish that.

Sunday we decided to go to church. I knew that it was probably too soon, but I knew I could walk out if it was necessary. More importantly I was waiting for something...to feel God's arms wrap around us...I didn't feel what I was hoping to feel-I guess I just have so many unanswered questions and it is too soon in this process to feel that. I know there are some people that can't understand my feelings but I also know there are others that have felt the same way and are feeling the same way. I do know that in time I will feel what God wants me to feel. My anger will turn to peace. Although my questions and hurts may never go away, I will feel him pick us up and move us forward.

Although, it did not help that we sat in plain view of a beautiful, baby boy just born 4 weeks earlier. I tried not to look, but I kind of wanted to look. His sweet innocent eyes, looking at the big church. And then it hit me. I never looked at Beckett's eyes. I also then felt for other mother's who have lost their babies much earlier than I. Although it hurts to know I did not examine every inch of him...I got to hold him, have a picture with him, and mother him for such a short while. Their are lots of other families that never got that experience and for that I am so thankful and my heart aches for those other women.

So many people have asked to see a picture of our baby boy. Here is Beckett. As you can see, he was perfect as could be. He was a little swollen from delivery. We plan to send out birth/death announcements later on. I meet with the godsend of a photographer this week to make them. Some might think it is a little wierd, but it is what we would have done had he still been with us. We are so proud to be his parents.

The Sweetest Gift

Good morning. Today I feel like I really need to share about the sweetest, most heartfelt gift we received...not that all the gifts, sympathies, flowers, and presence of others were not greatly appreciated and needed-they were, but this was so precious to Cory and I as parents. As a mom or a dad you want to parent-you want to parent your children and your children that are no longer with you.

My sister Sherri (with godparent Bill's help) took care of our angel baby boy Beckett in those final moments before they put him in his coffin-I will call it a basket from now on. Who could do that? Only people that love us so deeply they could put pain, fears, and everything aside to reassure us that he was put to his final rest in the most beautiful way. They will never, ever know what a gift that was. They will never know how deeply thankful we are for them to do something of that gravity.

She dressed him as I would of for his home coming. I had the sweetest outfit picked out for months. We went out the night before and bought him a cross necklace, a beautiful fluffy blankie, warm socks, and a knitted pumpkin hat. I bought the hat the Wednesday before this tragedy happened and could not wait to see it on our baby. I knew the baby would be called pumpkin a lot. Sherri and Bill went to the funeral home
to dress him and make sure he was perfect and warm.

All of the cousins, grandparents, Cory and I, Holden and Grace, aunts and uncles...wrote letters or made something to go with Beckett. Lots of love and heartfelt words were buried with him that day. He wore a bracelet Holden made for him. They read Beckett all the letters and shared with him what everyone made. They read him a story and kissed his hands just like in the book The Kissing Hand. They tucked the letters by his heart.

Now tell me that those two people are not the greatest givers?! That is a gift I will cherish the rest of my life. I want everyone to know what wonderful family we have and are so fortunate to have in our lives. That gift will be remembered everyday of my life.

I was going to blog in order, from the beginning becasue that is how I like to do things...organized and in an order. Today is a little different, this has been so therapeudic, that I needed to write. The kids are adjusting but Holden is struggling with having to go to school, he used to really enjoy it. It breaks my heart to put him on the bus and tell him he needs to go. I feel so awful for doing that because I know his heart is breaking too. He is starting to come up with some reasons that Beckett died. He told me he thought is was because I took too many hot baths and you are not supposed to take hot baths. He has also said that he thinks God took him because he and Grace were fighting too much. This just leaves you with the most awful pain in your heart, because we can't give him a better reason than "sometimes things like this just happen, no reason, no ones fault" or "God had a different plan" This does not make sense to a 6 year old, nor does it make any sense to me.

I told Cory something I was hesitant to tell him, for whatever reason. The night before last I woke at 4am-like every morning-and I heard the song Glory Baby. This is the song we played at the gravesite. It was clear as a bell although I could not tell you now how it goes. I felt pressure on my thigh and I heard my sweet baby boy say "Mommy, I'm okay-I am happy" After I told him this at breakfast and was crying, Grace of course gave me her biggest, cheekiest smile and started to tickle me. The tears have not stopped since. I ache to hold my baby boy, I want to smell his smell, I want to feed him, I want to love him in the present, I want something more than I have. This isn't fair. I can't even bring myself to pray for comfort because I am so mad.

It is a rainy, dreary day today...very fitting for how I am feeling. I do want to thank those though who have e-mailed me or posted on this blog...your words are so comforting. Nothing can take the pain away, but this blog sure helps me release my anger and pain.

The Birth

When we arrived at the hospital we were a mix of emotions...we could not believe we were there to deliver a dead baby. We had an excellent nurse that helped us prepare for surgery and what we could expect our baby to look like. We were both so scared. We kept asking each other, how are we going to do this? Painfully, I had to leave Cory and head to the OR to get prepped. The atmosphere was so different than my other two births. It was quiet and everyone spoke very softly. I put myself into a different world. Finally, Cory came in and he held me (as best he could). The actual delivery seemed to be very long, I just wanted it to be over. Everything was really quiet. Then the announcement "It's a beautiful baby boy with lots of hair." Cory and I lost it. Absolutely lost it! A boy...we could not control the tears and the feelings of rage and how cruel and unfair this was. I immediately thought of Holden and how badly he wanted a brother and it just hurt worse. They brought our baby to us and they unstrapped my arms so I could touch him. This was my baby, a baby I'd never get to rock to sleep, nurse, and see him grow-it should have been a joyous moment, he was still my baby but I was so mad! He was beautiful and that even hurt worse. There was nothing wrong with him, the doctor could see nothing wrong within the womb-no explanation...nothing.

They took him back to the nursery to bath him and then we'd get to hold him. When they bought him to us it was the most painful experience. I loved that child so much and I just wanted him to start coughing or something-a miracle to happen, but he was still, peaceful. The feeling of him in my arms felt so good. The depth of love I felt for him was amazing. I couldn't stop looking at him, he was perfect, beautiful...I was so proud to be his mommy. As all family gathered, everyone held him and then we baptized him. It was one of the sweetest moments. Holden and Grace put the Holy Water on his head and I will never forget watching those little fingers, through all of my tears, baptize their brother. They were so tender and gentle.

We also chose to have a friend, a professional photographer, capture our moments with our son. That was a decision we were unsure of. Now I am so thankful we chose to have it done. She did the most amazing job. She took the most beautiful photos of our baby Beckett. I could never, ever thank her enough for doing that for us. It took a lot of courage to step into that situation. I stare at the photos everyday.

Those words will be etched in our hearts forever. We both turned into complete puddles-moaning and letting out the most awful sounds. It was a pain I never knew that I could feel. The look in my husbands eyes was complete dispair and disbelief. We both looked at each other and suddenly realized...how are we possibly going to tell our kids? They have been waiting like us...excited, wanting to buy everything baby they could find, asking me everyday...how many days mom? The devastation was unbearable.

And then...all the questions from the hospital staff. You need to decide how you want to deliver. We need to know when you want to deliver, it needs to be soon. Here is some information on grieving. Your doctor can not be called it is her weekend off. Is there anyone you want to call. There is a champlain that can see you. Unbelieveable, we were both thinking it. We need to make these serious decisions right now? We were numb and angry and we thought this just might be a bad dream. We started to call our immediate family and our pastor. We could barely speak...the persons on the other line were just as distraught.

I do remember my sister, Sherri, telling me over and over that they were on the way they would be here as fast as they could. My dad was frantically trying to reach my mom who was not answering her cell phone. Cory's mom and sister Andrea came right away as we sat there stunned and incredibly lost in a million thoughts.

We decided to go home and tell the kids, pack for the hospital and wait for the family to arrive which we so desperately needed to be there to face this tragedy. We could not do it alone.

Our pregnancy was normal...morning sickness, lots of baby movement, strong heartbeat, regular appointments. We had a few anxieties along the way, positive screen for downs syndrome, positive screen for gestational diabetes...all of which ended up being negative. We wanted to keep the sex of the baby a secret, just like our first two children, Holden and Grace. We had planned this pregnancy and decided it would be our last child. We were very excited and the kids were ecstatic about the new addition to our family. Holden thought it would be a boy and Grace was adamit that it was going to be a girl and nothing else! We eagerly awaited the birth, which was going to be shortly before Halloween. The kids would always rub my tummy, talk and kiss my tummy and loved to watch it move. It especially was active when we would read bedtime stories with the kids. They would giggle and giggle because the baby would roll over and my tummy would get all distorted. We were on the count down until the birth date, October 17th.

I was scheduled for a c-section. Then one day everything we had hoped for came to an abrupt hault. I went in for a routine weekly visit with my OB and the heartbeat was in the 150's and everything looked great! Then on Friday I realized that I hadn't really felt the baby move very much, I thought it was just sleeping-maybe getting ready to come a little sooner than expected. I thought that might be exciting, but we were not ready yet...the crib wasn't up yet. By Friday evening my concerns turned into a more intense effort to get the baby to move to reassure me. I tried ice water, a sugary drink, a bath, laying on my back...nothing. Still, I had no reason to believe anything was wrong, I thought I was just being a worry wart-as always. I did put a call into the family birth center just to make sure and they asked me to come in and get checked. We dropped off our kids at grandma's and went in. Little did we know our world was about to crumble and change forever.

The nurse was not able to locate a heartbeat, she requested an ultrasound. We were still unsure but a little sick to our stomachs. Could my concern be something really serious? Could this baby that we've waited for for so long have a medical condition we didn't know about? Would we have to deliver early? And the unthinkable...was our baby dead?

The ultrasound tech came in and the mood was very somber, no look of relief on her face. Just a blank stare at the screen. I looked to my husband who could see the screen and wanted some kind of clue that things were okay, but nothing. We knew when she walked out without a single word that there was something seriously wromg.

Then, the words all a blur but the fact clear...I am sorry, we could not find a heartbeat.