Routine...

So back to the routine it is. This morning went pretty well. I think I got everyone ready for their activities. I know I packed a snack for Holden and that is pretty important to a 1st grader.

As the morning went on I kept thinking how this was to be the day we brought our baby home. Our house would be filled with all the things a baby needs. Instead, we packed all those things away a few days ago. You wouldn't think seeing a box of baby wipes would bring you to tears, but it does. I can try and protect myself from seeing all these things, but I have to face it. We do not have our baby boy coming home to us. We will daydream about all the things that might have been but are not. Beckett has a different home.

It is crazy how many different situations you see in public can evoke a reaction from me. It is amazing how quickly I can feel tears filling my eyes, just from seeing a pregnant mom. Or how seeing a toddler can bring me to think of what I think Beckett would have looked like at that age. Loosing a baby is tough stuff. Learning to cope with these feelings everyday will be tough stuff. There seems to be a different emotion everyday. There is no order. I spoke with the wonderful man Nick from the funeral home today...like he said everyday will just be different. He did not tell me that everyday things will get better or easier, because honestly they don't. It is just simply different.

I don't always mean to be such a downer, but behind the smile is a lot of sadness.

Love to all of you!