First major holiday done...whew

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. We did. We enjoyed our time with family. This was the first time we were all together again since Beckett's service.

The days leading up to Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving day were very difficult for me to barrel through. I was very irritated and easily frustrated. These are usually not characteristics of myself, so it is hard to see myself acting that way. Thanksgiving morning I woke and was not excited or looking forward to anything...not even stuffing (my favorite). I struggled all the way to Fergus Falls...crying, biting myself to stop from totally loosing it in front of the kids. I just could not settle myself down. I tried, I really did, but something else was taking control...my heart was just breaking all over again.

We arrived to Cory's family's house and I stayed outside collecting our things to bring in, in an attempt to control my emotions so I could enter with a smile. I couldn't do it. I came in and was immediately greeted by his aunt with a big Happy Thanksgiving and I wanted to be able to say it back but I lost it. I needed to be alone. What I really wanted to do was run away, not tell anyone I was leaving. I didn't know where I would go but I wanted to vanish. I hid myself away in the bathroom and I cried. I wanted Beckett with us, he should have been with us. This little bundle of joy all wrapped up and waiting to be held by everyone. It should be a happy Thanksgiving but someone was missing and it was very evident to me.

After some time I was able to compose myself and carry on. I was able to push my emotions away for some time. I didn't expect having such strong emotions to deal with. I thought I'd be able to tuck it away, but I could not. I feel really alone at this time with my grief. I don't feel that many can understand the pain or want to deal with it(they are just tired and ready to move on). That is brutally honest of me and hard for me to say especially knowing my audience but it is the truth. I don't blame anyone or expect them to be able to know what I am feeling or how to react to me. That is unreasonable. And that is what makes this journey so hard, especially at this time. It is a personal journey and a hard one at that. I am thankful for meeting another mom experiencing this painful journey, even though I wish no one else would ever have to endure this pain. I know she understands and we don't have to share words...it is just knowing someone else feels like I do. In that, I am not alone.

The weekend ended good, though. We enjoyed ourselves and our kids. We are lucky to have such great people to be with. Not everyone is that fortunate. We did a little black Friday Christmas shopping...getting up at 4am! We got a lot accomplished and it was fun. We missed Mandie with us this year but we were getting each other things at different stores and using our cell's to communicate. She had to go into work so we went separate ways. It was hard to leave my family on Saturday. I hate being so far away. There is such a comfort in being with them.

Wish me luck tomorrow! I go in the hospital at 5am to get prepped for surgery. I should be home by noon if all goes well. I am scared to death, so much so that I am sick to my stomach every time I think about it, but I am sure it will be fine...I just don't really know what to expect. As soon as I am knocked out, I'll be fine. Goodbye veins! I need to remember how great the outcome will be:)

Obviously tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it is a bittersweet holiday for me. I definitely want to see everyone, do our early morning shopping and just lounge around, but this is the first major holiday without Beckett. When we first talked about when to try for a 3rd child we thought it might be nice to shoot for a fall baby so we would have a little one for the holidays. I loved having baby Julia there last Thanksgiving. She was 4 days old, I think, and she was so cute, sweet and tiny. That sold me. I wanted to get pregnant and hopefully have a little one to share on Thanksgiving. Those hopes came true and we were so excited. I remember it being a Friday morning...I remember waking Cory up in the early morning to tell him. Gosh, I never in a million years would have guessed the outcome. That we would be arriving with empty arms this Thanksgiving. That hurts so bad. The pain is so intense. I feel it through my whole body. It just sucks so bad. The holidays will be a struggle...although I know I can put on a straight face, my heart will be crying.

Holden said the sweetest thing the other day. He said, "Mom, I can't wait for Christmas Day!" I was thinking, I am sure you can't. Then he said, "It is not because of the presents, it is because Beckett will get to go to his first birthday party. Jesus will have a party because it is his birthday on Christmas." I guess we have done something right. I was so proud of him. He was genuinely thrilled for his little brother.

There are many things to be thankful for. I am thankful that my little boy was an innocent soul and he is in heaven. I am thankful for Holden and Grace, for without them I am not sure where I would be right now. I am thankful for great friends who continue to support me-even though I am sure they are getting tired. I am thankful for our family who always check in and continue to pray for us and Beckett. I am thankful for all of those other people who have reached out even when they do not know us that well. There is a lot to be thankful for. I know that.

Please keep my brother Jason and Chris in your prayers as they are experiencing a great deal of grief in the last few weeks. I am thinking about you guys!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

We are back!

Well we are back...I can't believe this cold weather! We had absolutely gorgeous weather. The sunshine and warmth was such a beautiful thing. We had no plans, no expectation, therefore...NO STRESS! Except I got yelled at for going 3 feet off the path on the mountain! I hate when I get caught not following rules. We had a wonderful time together. We hiked a mountain, had the BEST! BEST! crab cakes ever, went to the local casino, sat by the pool and read, visited a couple of malls (Cory is a blast to shop with!) I did miss my sister and girlfriends for that portion of the trip, for sure! We really enjoyed the "break" from everyday life. I wasn't angry during my time there. I am not sure why that was different, but it was a welcomed break.

I definitely missed blogging and stopped myself from doing it. I wanted to try and give my mind and body a break. I wanted to be a wife, fully present for my husband for a few days. At times it was difficult and others it was easy. I felt guilty for sneaking in a couple of nights of crying myself to sleep. I wasn't angry with those cries. I was just simply sad...and I missed my kids. Being in another place was both wonderful and scary. I always wondered how it would feel to be away from Beckett's resting place. I realized that I could still feel him even being thousands of miles away. I was also scared at times, you realize how big the world is and it made me feel so far away from him as well. I asked myself where is heaven? This world is so gigantic...where is he? I have always been better with the concrete than the abstract...so although I know my faith..I still wonder.

I had a truly joyous moment...that was the moment I saw our car pull up and the kids big, cheeky smiles looking at us. They were so excited to see us and we could not wait to see them! It was a great reunion. In the back of my head, I kept thinking, I am missing one. I was able to push that out and enjoy talking to them and catching up with all the fun things they did while we were gone. They certainly did not miss us too much! They got to bake bread with grandma, go to 2 movies, eat lunch at Ella's school, and so much more! THANKS Sherri and Bill! (Mom and Mandie, too).

On the car ride home I was hit with an unexpected wave of grief. I just could not stop crying. I wanted to scream, throw something. I miss him so terribly and it still feels so unfair that our little buddy is not with us. I would reach back and rub Grace's little bare toes and feel so hurt that I will never get to rub little Beckett's feet. I'd look back at their sweet little faces and realized that I will never know any other face than Beckett's little baby face. I feel like I am releasing some pent up grief from trying to let it go for a few days. I have not stopped crying, or being on the verge of crying, for about 3 1/2 hours. Although grieving is so exhausting...it is also cleansing. Our hearts are still broken but we do have hope that someday we will be able to put it back together and place Beckett there with peacefulness.

I miss you my little buddy. These tears are all for you!

All packed and ready to go...

I finished packing and am ready to hit the road and start our mini vacation. Having a much better day today. The excitement of heading out and seeing my sister and brother in-law is helping me get through the day. They have some power over me because today Grace and I went to the mall for a little girl time and I was picking out a new nail polish color. I had a clumsy moment and dropped a polish onto the ground which shattered and left a huge mess all over my hands. I didn't even get upset! Big step!! When I got home and hopped in the shower I noticed a dark purple all over my leg, I didn't put it together that it was the nail polish! I took a look at my one pair of jeans I wear all the time and sure enough, dark purple nail polish. So those need to go in the trash so I am down to one pair of pants and I didn't even freak out.

I am a little anxious to leave the house for such a long time, but I know it will be good. It is hard to leave all of Beckett's things behind like his pictures and blanket. I feel like I am leaving him behind. I am sure those feelings will pass when we arrive to our destination.

We are looking forward to the sun, relaxing, and doing whatever we want-whenever we want. Goodbye for now!

Ok, I just needed to follow up because I sounded like a total brat in that last blog:) I took the kids to the mall so I could find a few shirts that were normal and a little forgiving in the tummy area...success.

First, though, we laughed so hard...I tried on one of those corset type flatten your tummy things. It was just a tube. Not sure how to put that on but I tired over my head. NOT A GOOD IDEA! I got stuck! Literally, my arms were above my head, the thing was covering my face and had immobilized my arms. I couldn't see or move my arms. Thank goodness Holden knew what to do! He started pulling as hard as he could, but we were both laughing so hard. Grace just kept saying "Uh oh, mommy are you stuck?" Holden kept pulling and we were laughing so hard. Finally I was freed from the lingerie. Then Holden said, "I guess that one was too small." Either that or that is the type of item you step into and the wiggle it up to the torso! Learning moment...

I can now pack knowing I have 2 shirts to wear for the entire 5 days if needed. At least I'll have one to get me to the mall in Scottsdale where I may find more:)

Packing...not as easy as I thought

I am looking forward to our trip to Arizona. We thought we might want to start thinking about packing. Easier said than done. For all the moms out there, with the exception of a few lucky ones, remember how much your body changes after being pregnant? I am completely disgusted with the way I look. I find that it is very difficult to shed the pounds. Nursing really helped me get my body back. This time it is a little different. Not such a big deal right? I just had a baby...I should give myself some time, but when you are trying to pack for a trip to warm weather it isn't such a simple thing to forgive. I had to dig through all of my maternity clothes to try and find some bottoms and tops that will work. I am not even close to getting back into my old clothes! Wearing maternity items, isn't exactly good for the self-esteem, especially when you are teetering on the depressive side.

The problem with maternity bottoms isn't that they are not comfortable, but you need long tops to go with them. I don't have anything that does not make me look pregnant and the last thing I want is for people to ask me that when we are getting away to try and enjoy our time and not focus on the things we have lost. Not only that but wearing those maternity clothes brings me much sadness. When I last wore them I was happy, carefree, and excited about the little bundle in my belly. Now they signify the pain of what we have lost. It all just keeps slapping me in the face. When I went to my clothes storage room I had to walk by all of Beckett's things. The bag of diapers, his crib mattress, his toys, car seat, his clothes that were all ready for him. To top it off, there was one basket that I knocked over and I had to pick up all items. That was painful to say the least. I am really trying to remain positive and focus on all the good things in my life. Every time I think I am making some progress I get pushed back. It is like I am running up a hill and I keep falling or it is too steep to keep climbing and I need to rest and throw a temper tantrum.

That is what I am doing right now, throwing a temper tantrum. Having a pity party for myself. I hate to be that person.

I'll start with a funny kid story tonight. Grace was upstairs watching The Grinch Who Stole Christmas, I was downstairs doing some work. The I heard Grace calling me on her Barbie cash register microphone, "Mommy, please come to the front desk. Mommy, please come to the front desk." Where does she hear this stuff? She needed me to come up to tell me that she would like to go to Target and buy the movie Frosty the Snowman.



Anyway, last night as I was writing the blog...I was crying and letting out all my frustrations in my tiny little computer nook. At that time, I heard a knock at the door. I didn't want to answer because I was a mess but Cory and the kids were playing downstairs and couldn't hear. They knocked again and I went to the door. It was a beautiful girl bringing us some bars-2 different kinds in fact, from her family. It seems that in those low moments-someone always stops by, sends an e-mail, text, or calls. It picked me up and gave me the strength to dry my tears and finish the evening with a family movie night. Thank you for thinking of us and for your impeccable timing! The bars were delicious by the way. The kids were crazy about them (me, too).

It also helps that Cory and I are getting prepared for a long weekend away in Scottsdale, AZ. We are flying out Thursday and returning on Monday. We are looking forward to the alone time and being able to just pay attention to each other. Like all parents, we are always busy taking care of our kids and there is little time left over for ourselves. Especially at this time in our life, it is really important to stay connected and give ourselves the opportunity to focus on each other. The kids are really excited to stay at Sherri's. Every time we get into the car she asks if we are going to Sherri's. Holden is really excited about getting to 'skip' school for 3 days. Sherri plans to bring them to Ella's school for lunch one day and both of my kids are so excited to eat at school..woohoo!

I just want to let people know as well that if you have not received a thank you card or if you have received double I apologize. I tried to keep it all organized and check off as I wrote some but I slipped up. I was having dejavu when I wrote some cards out today. Just know that I am appreciative of EVERYTHING! There is a huge, long list of people to thank and I will get to everyone...eventually. Thanks for understanding:)

6 weeks has past...

Good evening...I took a day of blogging off. We had kind of a busy day on Saturday. Holden had his first hockey game. He scored 3 goals. He is so excited about all of it so I guess we will be hockey parents for a while. I need to get a "hockey wardrobe". It is really cold in the rink! I need some cute winter boots and some long johns or something. It is really a social event at the rink-I am surprised we know as many people as we do.

Today we tried attending church again. This continues to be a very painful experience for me. I am on the verge of crying almost at all times. I can't say the prayers with the congregation...I can't sing the songs...I have a hard time listening to what is being said...Why do I go? It takes ALL my strength to not loose my emotions. I am relieved when the service is over. It is very ironic that the very thing that gives me strength is the same very thing that hurts me so terribly emotionally. We know that God has called his little Beckett back to him and he lives in eternal life with Jesus. We know that we will be reunited someday. Those are the things that give me strength to keep going everyday and to see the positives in life. Those are things that I know will bring me hope, even though right now hope is hard to have. Saying prayers in church and singing are just entirely too painful. I am still so hurt by what has happened. I am still upset. I am still questioning why this happened and how it could happen. I know the only person who has those answers is God and he isn't talking to me right now. Maybe I am not listening and don't want to hear it.

The suckiest part of this entire tragedy is not knowing. We know nothing. We have no answers. We have to work through it ourselves. We have to come to our own peace with it. We have to trust God. That is easier said then done when you have gone through the most devastating loss of your life. Loosing a child is said to be the most devastating loss a person could go through. I can't compare it to other losses and I won't try (that is not fair), but I can definitely see why that is so. We are living it and it sucks. You want to protect and you can't protect. You want to love and it is hard to know how to love your child when they are in heaven. You want to know more than just their face and you never got that chance. You want to remember more vividly your experience together and time take that away from you. I know one thing I will never forget and that is the depth of love I feel for Beckett and that I will never forget the emotional pain I felt in the following 24 hours after we learned Beckett's heart was no longer beating.

Right now I am in a really painful place as I am writing this. I do want people to know that there are brighter sides to my days now. There is always a feeling of emptiness but I am able to forge through and be fully present for my kids. I can get excited about making muffins with them (well at least in the beginning), watching Holden play hockey, listening to Grace tell us stories, etc. There are many things to be thankful for in our life. I am thankful that I can enjoy times with my family and friends.

6 weeks post pregnancy

Today I went in for my 6 week post pregnancy check-up. Cory has always been with me at follow-up appointments and it has been a great comfort. Today I went alone. I wore my hat again, it comes in handy for the times when you think you are going to loose your emotions. It has become a tool to avoid people's eyes. I feel a little autistic at times.

I sat down in the waiting room. Of course there were many ready to pop mommies, teenage mommies & mother's with their newborns. Thank goodness my name was called right away. While I sat in the room waiting for the doctor, I tried to hold in the tears and the anger. This situation is so frustrating, infuriating, and down right cruel sometimes. As I was waiting, I found the only non-baby magazine in the room and tried to tune it all out. There were 2 ladies having a conversation right outside my door. Obviously, they both recently had babies and as luck would have it they each had boys! They spoke about birth weights, adjusting to life with baby, and a few chuckles about "baby stuff". It seemed as if the conversation would never end! I just kept biting my lip, trying to focus on the stupid magazine and suck it up. As I calmed myself down a bit, I heard the doctor enter the room next to mine. I could here the heartbeat of the pregnant women's baby in the next room. SERIOUSLY! How cruel all of this is. It is like I am getting my face smeared in this crap every single day. I got out of there as fast as I could. The good news is I do not have to go back there for a long time.

I try so hard to accept my life now. Accept that Beckett is gone. Accept that he is in heaven. Accept that nothing is going to change the outcome. Accept that other people are going to be insensitive. Accept that life goes on as normal for everyone around you. Accept that some days are going to be excruciatingly painful. Accept that I need to dry my tears and be a mom to my kids. That is a lot of things to accept when you would rather not. You are forced to. And it sucks, some days more than others.

Wouldn't you know it though, a friend called and said she'd like to treat me to a massage and would come and play with Grace until I was done. I have a hard time accepting "gifts" from people, but that sure sounds amazing. Maybe it can be my cleansing for the day and after that I will put all my energies into my family tonight. She has pretty much been an angel here on earth throughout this whole thing.

I have had some more frequent times of peace. Not so much peace with the situation, but my mind is quiet. I can get involved in an activity with the kids and be present in that moment. I can sit with my husband and have a normal conversation and enjoy it. I can plan ahead for things and feel okay about it. These are all positive things. Things that are less and less draining, as they once were. I have not seen the light at the end of the tunnel but I definately have more hope that it is there. I just need some more time.

After I dropped Grace off at preschool, I headed out to do a few errands. It just so happens that Holden put holes in both pairs of jeans he owns at the same time. I told him I was going to buy him jeans today and he said, "Can you get me some just like daddies?" He is so cute. He adores his dad and wants to be just like him. How long does that last?:)

It is a difficult time to be in department stores. All the Christmas stuff is out...including all the "Baby's first Christmas" items. I felt like I was trying to walk away but there were more and more racks filled with baby stuff. It is like being in a scary place and you are walking as fast as you can to get to safety. That is how it kind of feels. Needless to say that set the tone for my morning. Thinking about how Beckett won't be with us for Thanksgiving or Christmas. In my mind right now, it all seems pointless to celebrate the holidays when the best thing about the holidays this year was that we were going to have our little baby. I know this season will be hard to get through. The good thing is we plan to be with family.

I stopped to visit my little angel's resting place today. My heart just aches for him. I spoke to him there...not sure he could understand through the sobs, but I gave it a try. When Beckett was in my tummy, we talked about what this child's nickname would be. Isn't it funny the things you call your kids? Holden is buddy bean, chicken wing, buddy boy, sugar booger...it goes on. Grace is chicken wing, peanut butter, sugar..sugar, Gracie girl, girly girl...it goes on. Beckett never got a name...maybe we can call him our little angel wing (a rip off of chicken wing:). I called him my little angel wing today. I can never stay there too long yet. It is just entirely to painful. As I walked away I thought I was going to vomit. The feeling passed and I made it successfully to the car. The neat thing was that as I was pulling out of the cemetery there were a few trees that had no leaves but beautiful red berries. It made me think of the little berry branch that all of a sudden is growing up my evergreen in the backyard. It has red berries on it. I have never seen it before. Maybe that is my sign he is okay. The cemetery is called Evergreen and the berries on the trees near his grave look the same as the berries growing up our little evergreen tree.

I had a little conversation with Grace the other day. We talked about the ocean and beaches. That all sounds sooo good right now! I'll settle for some desert and mountains, though. She immediately wanted to hop in the car and drive to the beach. She was so hurt when I said it was not possible. She doesn't understand the concept of planning, but you know I thought I had it figured out too and then we got a curve ball. I told her we'd have to fly in an airplane. It was too long to drive (she can hardly make it the St. Michael). She had a look of fear in her eyes. "I don't want to ride a plane mommy. It goes too high and I might see Jesus. We just drive, that's better." I can read a million things into this comment. I think she is scared. Even though we've only said good things about Jesus, she learns good things in school. Jesus took our baby. To a little kid like her I am sure she might be scared he'd take her too. If that would ever happen I am pretty sure I'd need to be committed to a loony bin. I am so sad that they need to be faced with this devastation. There was no warning, everything was as could be, there was a lot of excitement from the very beginning...Grace went with me to my doctor appointments to hear the heartbeat every month and then BAM, our safe, happy, comfy little world was changed forever. How do you help a child overcome that? Especially when they are so little and egocentric...

Well Grace is waiting for me to take her to the library. We were at Space Aliens last night for supper and she wanted to leave and go to the library. I promised her I'd take her today...even though my list of 2 do's is a mile long.

I just want to thank my friend for your e-mail this morning. I really needed it! Thank you for stopping your run (I was probably laying in bed wishing for a doughnut) to pray for us. It means a lot, it really does.

Well I started to exercise a little last night. I need to shed these final pounds so I can fit in my old pants! I very much dislike this in-between stage. Someone should design jeans for after pregnancy that are cute and trendy. Exercise is really good for the mind. I need to push myself to keep it up for better mental health. I only have a little over 2 weeks until my next surgery and I can't exercise after that one for a while. So I am laying out all my excuses why I am keeping 10 lbs on me!:)

Last night I thought about my little Beckett a lot. I feel like as the time has passed it feels like what we went through was more like a dream than a reality. It feels like so long ago since we held him and kissed him. I feel like he is so much farther away from me these days. I can't remember what he felt like in my arms. Those will be the hard things as time passes. I try holding Grace a certain way to see if I can feel it but she is a bit heavy:)

I miss my little boy. I miss him in my tummy. I wish I could have that all back for a little bit. Just to experience him again. I would really take as many moments in as I could this time. If I had know the outcome, i would have cherished the whole process more. Towards the end I was so focused on the date he was to come out, not the miracle of it all. I guess that is the downfall of it being a third pregnancy, it is exciting but you know the outcome and how beautiful that is.

I wish I would have another moment with him. I know that can't happen the way I'd like it to happen, but I wish he would come to me and I would know it was him. I need some reassurance that everything is okay for him and that we will be okay (well, me at least). He came to me once before, I was on some pain killers, but I truly believe he spoke to me. I guess he was "advanced" for his age.

Well we are back. We had a great weekend. The shopping was good, although nothing fits quite yet. It was fun to just look around and buy a few things here and there. The Vikings game was fun. I think it is a little easier to watch it on the television. I had a hard time tracking the ball. And there were 2 ladies sitting in front of us that were a little distracting...good people watching at the dome. It was good to getaway for a little while.

I kind of thought maybe if I'd get out of town, out of my house...I could feel a little like my old self again. It all follows you...I feel like there is a ceiling to the amount of any emotion that I can feel, and I do not like that feeling. I don't know myself anymore. I need to redefine who I am and that is not easy. I know my life will never be the same. I will always have a piece of me missing. At least, that is how I feel now. Everything just seems so pointless, unmeaningful. I feel like I lost my fire...my spunk. It is not that I feel guilty if I have a really good laugh or enjoy myself. It is just like there is a ceiling to what I can feel in any moment. I don't feel safe anywhere. My world just does not feel safe, it feels uncomfortable and foreign sometimes.

Well, I need to help my little munchkin. Maybe I will write more later.

We are all still hurting...

I watched Beckett's slide show yesterday afternoon. I had this urge to do it, I had to do right then. Grace and Holden were both on the respective computers (playing educational games:). the minute Holden heard the song Glory Baby he came right into the living room. He held me. He kept looking at me. Tears were freely rolling down my cheeks and dripping on his arm. He is the best kid! He just squeezed me tighter. Grace then came down, took one look at me and then was not sure how to proceed with what she came down to do. Her little lip quivered and then she began to cry. She told me I am not crying because of the baby, I am crying because you won't let me play at my friends house. She never even asked if she could go to a friends house. So we all cried a little together.

As we were having supper, Holden was acting different. When we asked him to tell us what was wrong, he came over to me and gave me a hug and said he just couldn't live without Beckett. He was crying. Talk about taking your heart and twisting it! I wanted to throw a chair of something but I just cried with him. He wanted to be rocked. I couldn't tell him everything would be alright. I just let him know that we all feel like that and only time would make our hearts feel better. I wish I could protect them from the pain and the loss, but I can not. This is one hurt I can't make better and that is very difficult as a mom. We all miss Beckett and miss all the things that were supposed to be.

Today I had an appointment with the vascular surgeon. The nurse looked at us and said the last time you were in here weren't you pregnant? She had a big smile on her face. I got choked up and then Cory finished for me. We lost our baby. I looked to the floor and envisioned our little boy sitting in his car seat, sleeping peacefully. It is just so hard to accept that he is not here with us. The good news is that I can have surgery to have the veins removed. It sounds like a fairly simple process and recovery so I am glad for that. I am so excited for this surgery. December 1st will be the big day and hopefully the last time I need to deal with these buggers:) And...I get permission to hang out in sweats for about 2 weeks! Gotta love that!

Tomorrow morning we are leaving for a little getaway to Mpls with some friends. We are going to the Vikings/Packers game on Sunday. It should be a great game. It will be nice to get away from everything for a short while. I know it will be really hard to leave the kiddos but they will have fun with g'ma and g'pa. We will have fun too. Hopefully the weather will hold out for us.

Dear Beckett,

Hey little buddy, mommy has been thinking about you a lot today. I think about how big you would be already. I think about how great it would feel to hold you in my arms and to feel your warmth. I had such big plans for us, little guy. I guess God's plans are bigger and better. It is hard to believe that it has been almost 5 weeks since mommy gave birth to you. It feels like forever ago! How fast time goes, but so slow as well. Some days seem to drag on forever and I can't wait to go to sleep...I am just exhausted from the emotions I feel each day. I can remember when Holden and Grace were little babies and the days were like that. The days went so fast, I never seemed to get anything accomplished and then I couldn't wait to go to sleep, even if I'd have to wake up every 2 hour to feed them.

That is kind of how it is now, but you are just not here. I take care of you in my mind by thinking of you and wondering what you are doing in heaven. Trying to do everyday tasks can be so daunting. It is like I can stare at it on my to do list but not know how to start it. It seems too big a task sometimes.

I want to care for you so badly. I never wanted to give you up. I still don't want to give you up. I look at your little face in pictures and I hold it close to my heart. How could a mother and father ever want to give up a face like that? You are such a mixture of your two siblings. When I look at them when they are sleeping, I see your resemblance. It makes me so happy to be able to see you in them. It also makes me so sad because I know the joys they bring to our life and I imagine the joy you would (and did) bring to our life.

I love you little pumpkin. Today I send you hugs and kisses to heaven-catch them!

Love,
Mommy

Grace also wanted to write you a little note:

Dear Beckett,
i love you beckett's up in heaven beckett cory is buried beckett cory loves me
love, grace

She typed that...I think it sweet. I need to remember that she needs to work through this too; although it is too abstract for her to totally understand.

Another batch of company gone...

My mom and Ann left this afternoon. I usually start to get sick to my stomach a few hours before I know people have to leave. I do not like being this far away from my family. I would just love if I could stop by my sisters house to talk. Go to mom and dad's for supper. As soon as people give their goodbye hugs, the tears start. I miss my family so much...I miss Beckett so much. I just want him so badly, no other baby will do-just him. There is no one else but Beckett who can fill the hole in my heart. Another child would not fill it. My children, do not fill it. I so thankful to have them-I love them on a different level, a new level. I realize first hand how fragile life really is. When I say they do not fill the hole I do not mean that they do not mean the world to me...I mean that Beckett is just that special. He has a special place in my heart for only him.

We went to Target today to look for a Barbie outfit. Grandma is trying to bribe Grace into doing all her business in the potty. There have been many bribes and promises made:) While standing in the checkout line. A little baby sat in her car seat. Precious as can be. I just want to take those babies in my arms and hold them. That mother was so proud, telling Gracie the babies name. She asked Grace to guess how old she was, turns out she is the same age as Beckett would be. I am pretty sure he'd have a few more pounds on him, though. My chest got tight. I felt like I was going to hyper ventilate. I am sure my blood pressure rose a few points. I am thankful that I have the strength to keep it together on the outside when I am crumbling on the inside. I have learned that I have a strength in me I did not know I possessed.

A good thing for people to know-or just be sensitive to-is that even though someone like myself may appear to be doing "well" or adjusting...a lot of things are going on, on the inside. You really have no choice. I have to keep moving physically. I have kids that need to be fed, taken to activities, home work to do, a house to keep clean, groceries that need to be bought, etc. There really isn't an alternative. I would much rather be laying in my bed in silence or not getting out of bed at all in the morning, but I know that there are others that need me. I need to be strong.

So, if this happens to a close friend of yours...know that the pain is still really intense, they are still mourning, day to day and hour to hour can be so different. Just be sensitive and allow people to own their emotions without judging, hoping they move on soon, or being impatient. It is a big job to be a good friend in times of sorrow and suffering. It can be tiring. Just know, though, that your friend will never forget your dedication. They will be forever grateful.

On another note, I spoke with a patient advocate at the hospital Beckett was delivered and it sounds like there will be some extra training, possible in-service, and there will be a discussion with the people who were involved in my surgery. I hope this is really carried through. If I had enough strength I'd offer to go speak to medical staff myself, but I'd be a blubbering idiot. I just hope other families experiences will be improved. There isn't much medical staff can do for families who are suffering the loss of a child, but there are little things like body language and simple little things that can go a long way. For example, one of our nurses brought in a bed for Cory so that we could sleep side by side. That was a tremendous act of kindness (apparently it is against the rules). We needed to be close. We have not gotten the bill yet, maybe we got charged for an extra bed and it was not so great:)!!

My mom and godmother Ann came last night to spend a few days. I am thankful for their presence. Not only are they funny, but it gives me a little break in the grieving. Not that I do not think of little Beckett all the time, but a break from crying. When there is a buzz in the house and conversation it allows a rest because there is so much to talk about and do. We went to scout out a few places for something to mark Beckett's grave so we can find it in the winter. We have not decided on a headstone yet. It is just to fresh and too hard to think about that. It is the last thing we have to do in the chain of events for Beckett. It is hard to do it. It is so final.

I know there is no time limit to grieving or for how long you stay in one spot in the process. I feel that sometimes I still have not accepted that he is gone and not coming back. I have to tell my myself a few times a day that he is gone, he is not coming back. It still has not completely settled in yet. Our little boy is in heaven and he will never be with us physically. It is such an enormous life change that I still cannot believe that happened to us...that it is real.

I feel like I am stuck right now. I know this is going to be a long process...I need to be patient. I need to fully feel what each day brings, work through it and start all over the next day. It is a lot of work to start each day...today was a little easier because I had no choice. I woke to Grace requesting a puke bucket. I went into full mom mode from a deep slumber in a matter of seconds, no time to contemplate what the day would bring. Thank goodness the puke bucket was no longer needed past 8am:) Isn't it amazing how quickly you can react to your kids needs?

Wow...thank you!

There are many people that have done many special things for us. We will be forever grateful. On this particular day, we received something that instantly brought me to tears. Someone I do not know sent us a BEAUTIFUL work of art. You know who you are even if I do not, personally. THANK YOU! I immediately found a spot for it. It touched me very much. I can't believe that you would take the time to have made this for our family, a family you do not know. Thank you for the letter and sharing your story of heartache. I will cherish that gift and keep it prominently displayed in our home.

"You may forget with whom you laughed, but you will never forget with whom you wept." ~Carie O'Leary

This is so true.

Well Donna has just left and I already miss her. There are a few saying in this book I purchased that make me think of Donna and all of our friends and family who have been there for us.

"I am here. Let's heal together." ~Unknown

"I did not come to comfort you; only God and time can do that; but I did come to say how deeply and tenderly I feel for you in your sorrow." ~Unknown

"Thank you for letting me talk
and letting me cry.
Thank you for cheerful hello's
and tearful goodbye's.
Thank you for asking me questions
and saying his name.
Thank you for not understanding
but sharing my pain." ~Jacqueline M. Savageau

"Needed: A strong, deep person wise enough to allow me to grieve in the depth of who I am,
and strong enough to hear my pain without turning away.
I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again, but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me.
Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning, and believe in a rainbow."
~Fr. Joe Mahoney

I think of all my friends and family who have reached out to us and let us know they care, when I read these. Thank you for coming to us and not being afraid. Thank you for praying for us because you know we are in pain. Thank you for letting us see there are good things in this world and that Beckett touched so many, in so many different ways!

I looked through Beckett's memory box this morning. It makes me sad to think that all our memories are contained in such a little box. His stay was much to brief. If I could pour all our sadness, love, tears, and happy memories in a box it would be much to big to fit in our house. "There are many tears in the heart that never reach the eyes."~Unknown

Donna has arrived and we enjoyed doing what we love best...shopping. Since we are pretty frugal when together, we did not go too crazy. We did splurge on Starbucks and a fountain soda from our old stopping grounds in college! We are nuts. I have really enjoyed my time with her. She is a great listener, she understands my sarcasm, and we don't need to talk to feel our connection. We did come across a book that I am so glad I found. It is a book of poems, quotes, some scripture...written by people who have lost someone they have loved. It really spoke to me and I am sure I will share some of its sayings soon. It is sitting upstairs and I really do not feel like walking up to get it.

We went to church this morning. This is our second time. We went because it is the celebration of all saints day and they were honoring our little angel Beckett with a candle and a bell chime (along with others that have died this year). I know my sister Sherri's church chose Beckett to remember today. I am so gracious, we are so gracious, that our story has touched so many people and they pray for us. It is such a beautiful tribute to Beckett. It is hard to put into words, but it is so heart warming to know that he made a difference in this world. This sweet little baby who never took a breath of life outside of his mommy...was able to touch so many beyond his family.

Anywho...it was difficult to sit there and listen to God's word. It really was. For myself, I still need to be angry. I am still hurt by this tragedy. I just do not understand. In my heart I know, but my mind stops me from feeling that. It feels easier to be angry right now. I feel closer to Beckett somehow. I feel like I am protecting him, fighting for him. This is how I feel like I am letting him know how much I love him, miss him, and wanted him. I don't feel like I really had that opportunity...for him to feel my warmth, to hear my heartbeat while he is laying on my chest, to hear me sing him a special song, for me to be there when he cried. It sometimes feels like if I choose to listen to God at church, I am saying it is okay. That I am okay with it, and I am not. I think of it as there was someone I trusted, loved, put my faith in and He had hurt me in the worst possible way. You still love them but you need time to heal your wounds. Time to rebuild that trust.

We visited his grave site today, after church. We bought five flowers to place there...one for each of the four of us and Donna. It is so hard to go there. It brings up so many feelings. To look at the spot where we laid his body to rest, I picture him there. I envision what he looked like that night we met him in person. I just want to hold him so badly, just once more.I want to see him again, just once more. The time was just too short.

My other sweet little boy Holden is reacting to my pain today. He is hugging me and wants to be close to me. He asked what I was doing. I told him I write about Beckett and post it and then all sorts of people read it. He wanted to write something to. He wrote a little letter.

Dear Beckett,
I miss you. I am sad that you are not with us. I wish I could play with you. I wish I could hold you and tell a funny story. We visited your grave today. It made me feel sad. I love you my little buddy.
Love, Holden

My heart just breaks for my little boy who wanted a brother so bad.