Good evening...I took a day of blogging off. We had kind of a busy day on Saturday. Holden had his first hockey game. He scored 3 goals. He is so excited about all of it so I guess we will be hockey parents for a while. I need to get a "hockey wardrobe". It is really cold in the rink! I need some cute winter boots and some long johns or something. It is really a social event at the rink-I am surprised we know as many people as we do.
Today we tried attending church again. This continues to be a very painful experience for me. I am on the verge of crying almost at all times. I can't say the prayers with the congregation...I can't sing the songs...I have a hard time listening to what is being said...Why do I go? It takes ALL my strength to not loose my emotions. I am relieved when the service is over. It is very ironic that the very thing that gives me strength is the same very thing that hurts me so terribly emotionally. We know that God has called his little Beckett back to him and he lives in eternal life with Jesus. We know that we will be reunited someday. Those are the things that give me strength to keep going everyday and to see the positives in life. Those are things that I know will bring me hope, even though right now hope is hard to have. Saying prayers in church and singing are just entirely too painful. I am still so hurt by what has happened. I am still upset. I am still questioning why this happened and how it could happen. I know the only person who has those answers is God and he isn't talking to me right now. Maybe I am not listening and don't want to hear it.
The suckiest part of this entire tragedy is not knowing. We know nothing. We have no answers. We have to work through it ourselves. We have to come to our own peace with it. We have to trust God. That is easier said then done when you have gone through the most devastating loss of your life. Loosing a child is said to be the most devastating loss a person could go through. I can't compare it to other losses and I won't try (that is not fair), but I can definitely see why that is so. We are living it and it sucks. You want to protect and you can't protect. You want to love and it is hard to know how to love your child when they are in heaven. You want to know more than just their face and you never got that chance. You want to remember more vividly your experience together and time take that away from you. I know one thing I will never forget and that is the depth of love I feel for Beckett and that I will never forget the emotional pain I felt in the following 24 hours after we learned Beckett's heart was no longer beating.
Right now I am in a really painful place as I am writing this. I do want people to know that there are brighter sides to my days now. There is always a feeling of emptiness but I am able to forge through and be fully present for my kids. I can get excited about making muffins with them (well at least in the beginning), watching Holden play hockey, listening to Grace tell us stories, etc. There are many things to be thankful for in our life. I am thankful that I can enjoy times with my family and friends.
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