We are all still hurting...

I watched Beckett's slide show yesterday afternoon. I had this urge to do it, I had to do right then. Grace and Holden were both on the respective computers (playing educational games:). the minute Holden heard the song Glory Baby he came right into the living room. He held me. He kept looking at me. Tears were freely rolling down my cheeks and dripping on his arm. He is the best kid! He just squeezed me tighter. Grace then came down, took one look at me and then was not sure how to proceed with what she came down to do. Her little lip quivered and then she began to cry. She told me I am not crying because of the baby, I am crying because you won't let me play at my friends house. She never even asked if she could go to a friends house. So we all cried a little together.

As we were having supper, Holden was acting different. When we asked him to tell us what was wrong, he came over to me and gave me a hug and said he just couldn't live without Beckett. He was crying. Talk about taking your heart and twisting it! I wanted to throw a chair of something but I just cried with him. He wanted to be rocked. I couldn't tell him everything would be alright. I just let him know that we all feel like that and only time would make our hearts feel better. I wish I could protect them from the pain and the loss, but I can not. This is one hurt I can't make better and that is very difficult as a mom. We all miss Beckett and miss all the things that were supposed to be.

Today I had an appointment with the vascular surgeon. The nurse looked at us and said the last time you were in here weren't you pregnant? She had a big smile on her face. I got choked up and then Cory finished for me. We lost our baby. I looked to the floor and envisioned our little boy sitting in his car seat, sleeping peacefully. It is just so hard to accept that he is not here with us. The good news is that I can have surgery to have the veins removed. It sounds like a fairly simple process and recovery so I am glad for that. I am so excited for this surgery. December 1st will be the big day and hopefully the last time I need to deal with these buggers:) And...I get permission to hang out in sweats for about 2 weeks! Gotta love that!

Tomorrow morning we are leaving for a little getaway to Mpls with some friends. We are going to the Vikings/Packers game on Sunday. It should be a great game. It will be nice to get away from everything for a short while. I know it will be really hard to leave the kiddos but they will have fun with g'ma and g'pa. We will have fun too. Hopefully the weather will hold out for us.