After I dropped Grace off at preschool, I headed out to do a few errands. It just so happens that Holden put holes in both pairs of jeans he owns at the same time. I told him I was going to buy him jeans today and he said, "Can you get me some just like daddies?" He is so cute. He adores his dad and wants to be just like him. How long does that last?:)

It is a difficult time to be in department stores. All the Christmas stuff is out...including all the "Baby's first Christmas" items. I felt like I was trying to walk away but there were more and more racks filled with baby stuff. It is like being in a scary place and you are walking as fast as you can to get to safety. That is how it kind of feels. Needless to say that set the tone for my morning. Thinking about how Beckett won't be with us for Thanksgiving or Christmas. In my mind right now, it all seems pointless to celebrate the holidays when the best thing about the holidays this year was that we were going to have our little baby. I know this season will be hard to get through. The good thing is we plan to be with family.

I stopped to visit my little angel's resting place today. My heart just aches for him. I spoke to him there...not sure he could understand through the sobs, but I gave it a try. When Beckett was in my tummy, we talked about what this child's nickname would be. Isn't it funny the things you call your kids? Holden is buddy bean, chicken wing, buddy boy, sugar booger...it goes on. Grace is chicken wing, peanut butter, sugar..sugar, Gracie girl, girly girl...it goes on. Beckett never got a name...maybe we can call him our little angel wing (a rip off of chicken wing:). I called him my little angel wing today. I can never stay there too long yet. It is just entirely to painful. As I walked away I thought I was going to vomit. The feeling passed and I made it successfully to the car. The neat thing was that as I was pulling out of the cemetery there were a few trees that had no leaves but beautiful red berries. It made me think of the little berry branch that all of a sudden is growing up my evergreen in the backyard. It has red berries on it. I have never seen it before. Maybe that is my sign he is okay. The cemetery is called Evergreen and the berries on the trees near his grave look the same as the berries growing up our little evergreen tree.