Another batch of company gone...

My mom and Ann left this afternoon. I usually start to get sick to my stomach a few hours before I know people have to leave. I do not like being this far away from my family. I would just love if I could stop by my sisters house to talk. Go to mom and dad's for supper. As soon as people give their goodbye hugs, the tears start. I miss my family so much...I miss Beckett so much. I just want him so badly, no other baby will do-just him. There is no one else but Beckett who can fill the hole in my heart. Another child would not fill it. My children, do not fill it. I so thankful to have them-I love them on a different level, a new level. I realize first hand how fragile life really is. When I say they do not fill the hole I do not mean that they do not mean the world to me...I mean that Beckett is just that special. He has a special place in my heart for only him.

We went to Target today to look for a Barbie outfit. Grandma is trying to bribe Grace into doing all her business in the potty. There have been many bribes and promises made:) While standing in the checkout line. A little baby sat in her car seat. Precious as can be. I just want to take those babies in my arms and hold them. That mother was so proud, telling Gracie the babies name. She asked Grace to guess how old she was, turns out she is the same age as Beckett would be. I am pretty sure he'd have a few more pounds on him, though. My chest got tight. I felt like I was going to hyper ventilate. I am sure my blood pressure rose a few points. I am thankful that I have the strength to keep it together on the outside when I am crumbling on the inside. I have learned that I have a strength in me I did not know I possessed.

A good thing for people to know-or just be sensitive to-is that even though someone like myself may appear to be doing "well" or adjusting...a lot of things are going on, on the inside. You really have no choice. I have to keep moving physically. I have kids that need to be fed, taken to activities, home work to do, a house to keep clean, groceries that need to be bought, etc. There really isn't an alternative. I would much rather be laying in my bed in silence or not getting out of bed at all in the morning, but I know that there are others that need me. I need to be strong.

So, if this happens to a close friend of yours...know that the pain is still really intense, they are still mourning, day to day and hour to hour can be so different. Just be sensitive and allow people to own their emotions without judging, hoping they move on soon, or being impatient. It is a big job to be a good friend in times of sorrow and suffering. It can be tiring. Just know, though, that your friend will never forget your dedication. They will be forever grateful.

On another note, I spoke with a patient advocate at the hospital Beckett was delivered and it sounds like there will be some extra training, possible in-service, and there will be a discussion with the people who were involved in my surgery. I hope this is really carried through. If I had enough strength I'd offer to go speak to medical staff myself, but I'd be a blubbering idiot. I just hope other families experiences will be improved. There isn't much medical staff can do for families who are suffering the loss of a child, but there are little things like body language and simple little things that can go a long way. For example, one of our nurses brought in a bed for Cory so that we could sleep side by side. That was a tremendous act of kindness (apparently it is against the rules). We needed to be close. We have not gotten the bill yet, maybe we got charged for an extra bed and it was not so great:)!!