First major holiday done...whew

I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. We did. We enjoyed our time with family. This was the first time we were all together again since Beckett's service.

The days leading up to Thanksgiving and Thanksgiving day were very difficult for me to barrel through. I was very irritated and easily frustrated. These are usually not characteristics of myself, so it is hard to see myself acting that way. Thanksgiving morning I woke and was not excited or looking forward to anything...not even stuffing (my favorite). I struggled all the way to Fergus Falls...crying, biting myself to stop from totally loosing it in front of the kids. I just could not settle myself down. I tried, I really did, but something else was taking control...my heart was just breaking all over again.

We arrived to Cory's family's house and I stayed outside collecting our things to bring in, in an attempt to control my emotions so I could enter with a smile. I couldn't do it. I came in and was immediately greeted by his aunt with a big Happy Thanksgiving and I wanted to be able to say it back but I lost it. I needed to be alone. What I really wanted to do was run away, not tell anyone I was leaving. I didn't know where I would go but I wanted to vanish. I hid myself away in the bathroom and I cried. I wanted Beckett with us, he should have been with us. This little bundle of joy all wrapped up and waiting to be held by everyone. It should be a happy Thanksgiving but someone was missing and it was very evident to me.

After some time I was able to compose myself and carry on. I was able to push my emotions away for some time. I didn't expect having such strong emotions to deal with. I thought I'd be able to tuck it away, but I could not. I feel really alone at this time with my grief. I don't feel that many can understand the pain or want to deal with it(they are just tired and ready to move on). That is brutally honest of me and hard for me to say especially knowing my audience but it is the truth. I don't blame anyone or expect them to be able to know what I am feeling or how to react to me. That is unreasonable. And that is what makes this journey so hard, especially at this time. It is a personal journey and a hard one at that. I am thankful for meeting another mom experiencing this painful journey, even though I wish no one else would ever have to endure this pain. I know she understands and we don't have to share words...it is just knowing someone else feels like I do. In that, I am not alone.

The weekend ended good, though. We enjoyed ourselves and our kids. We are lucky to have such great people to be with. Not everyone is that fortunate. We did a little black Friday Christmas shopping...getting up at 4am! We got a lot accomplished and it was fun. We missed Mandie with us this year but we were getting each other things at different stores and using our cell's to communicate. She had to go into work so we went separate ways. It was hard to leave my family on Saturday. I hate being so far away. There is such a comfort in being with them.

Wish me luck tomorrow! I go in the hospital at 5am to get prepped for surgery. I should be home by noon if all goes well. I am scared to death, so much so that I am sick to my stomach every time I think about it, but I am sure it will be fine...I just don't really know what to expect. As soon as I am knocked out, I'll be fine. Goodbye veins! I need to remember how great the outcome will be:)