6 weeks post pregnancy

Today I went in for my 6 week post pregnancy check-up. Cory has always been with me at follow-up appointments and it has been a great comfort. Today I went alone. I wore my hat again, it comes in handy for the times when you think you are going to loose your emotions. It has become a tool to avoid people's eyes. I feel a little autistic at times.

I sat down in the waiting room. Of course there were many ready to pop mommies, teenage mommies & mother's with their newborns. Thank goodness my name was called right away. While I sat in the room waiting for the doctor, I tried to hold in the tears and the anger. This situation is so frustrating, infuriating, and down right cruel sometimes. As I was waiting, I found the only non-baby magazine in the room and tried to tune it all out. There were 2 ladies having a conversation right outside my door. Obviously, they both recently had babies and as luck would have it they each had boys! They spoke about birth weights, adjusting to life with baby, and a few chuckles about "baby stuff". It seemed as if the conversation would never end! I just kept biting my lip, trying to focus on the stupid magazine and suck it up. As I calmed myself down a bit, I heard the doctor enter the room next to mine. I could here the heartbeat of the pregnant women's baby in the next room. SERIOUSLY! How cruel all of this is. It is like I am getting my face smeared in this crap every single day. I got out of there as fast as I could. The good news is I do not have to go back there for a long time.

I try so hard to accept my life now. Accept that Beckett is gone. Accept that he is in heaven. Accept that nothing is going to change the outcome. Accept that other people are going to be insensitive. Accept that life goes on as normal for everyone around you. Accept that some days are going to be excruciatingly painful. Accept that I need to dry my tears and be a mom to my kids. That is a lot of things to accept when you would rather not. You are forced to. And it sucks, some days more than others.

Wouldn't you know it though, a friend called and said she'd like to treat me to a massage and would come and play with Grace until I was done. I have a hard time accepting "gifts" from people, but that sure sounds amazing. Maybe it can be my cleansing for the day and after that I will put all my energies into my family tonight. She has pretty much been an angel here on earth throughout this whole thing.

I have had some more frequent times of peace. Not so much peace with the situation, but my mind is quiet. I can get involved in an activity with the kids and be present in that moment. I can sit with my husband and have a normal conversation and enjoy it. I can plan ahead for things and feel okay about it. These are all positive things. Things that are less and less draining, as they once were. I have not seen the light at the end of the tunnel but I definately have more hope that it is there. I just need some more time.