Donna has arrived and we enjoyed doing what we love best...shopping. Since we are pretty frugal when together, we did not go too crazy. We did splurge on Starbucks and a fountain soda from our old stopping grounds in college! We are nuts. I have really enjoyed my time with her. She is a great listener, she understands my sarcasm, and we don't need to talk to feel our connection. We did come across a book that I am so glad I found. It is a book of poems, quotes, some scripture...written by people who have lost someone they have loved. It really spoke to me and I am sure I will share some of its sayings soon. It is sitting upstairs and I really do not feel like walking up to get it.

We went to church this morning. This is our second time. We went because it is the celebration of all saints day and they were honoring our little angel Beckett with a candle and a bell chime (along with others that have died this year). I know my sister Sherri's church chose Beckett to remember today. I am so gracious, we are so gracious, that our story has touched so many people and they pray for us. It is such a beautiful tribute to Beckett. It is hard to put into words, but it is so heart warming to know that he made a difference in this world. This sweet little baby who never took a breath of life outside of his mommy...was able to touch so many beyond his family.

Anywho...it was difficult to sit there and listen to God's word. It really was. For myself, I still need to be angry. I am still hurt by this tragedy. I just do not understand. In my heart I know, but my mind stops me from feeling that. It feels easier to be angry right now. I feel closer to Beckett somehow. I feel like I am protecting him, fighting for him. This is how I feel like I am letting him know how much I love him, miss him, and wanted him. I don't feel like I really had that opportunity...for him to feel my warmth, to hear my heartbeat while he is laying on my chest, to hear me sing him a special song, for me to be there when he cried. It sometimes feels like if I choose to listen to God at church, I am saying it is okay. That I am okay with it, and I am not. I think of it as there was someone I trusted, loved, put my faith in and He had hurt me in the worst possible way. You still love them but you need time to heal your wounds. Time to rebuild that trust.

We visited his grave site today, after church. We bought five flowers to place there...one for each of the four of us and Donna. It is so hard to go there. It brings up so many feelings. To look at the spot where we laid his body to rest, I picture him there. I envision what he looked like that night we met him in person. I just want to hold him so badly, just once more.I want to see him again, just once more. The time was just too short.

My other sweet little boy Holden is reacting to my pain today. He is hugging me and wants to be close to me. He asked what I was doing. I told him I write about Beckett and post it and then all sorts of people read it. He wanted to write something to. He wrote a little letter.

Dear Beckett,
I miss you. I am sad that you are not with us. I wish I could play with you. I wish I could hold you and tell a funny story. We visited your grave today. It made me feel sad. I love you my little buddy.
Love, Holden

My heart just breaks for my little boy who wanted a brother so bad.