First Holiday, Beckett would have been 2 weeks old

Today is the first official holiday without our baby. Halloween isn't a holiday that I get too excited about. Most people wouldn't really think it would be that big of a deal. In all my preparations for the baby, I had bought a cute knitted pumpkin hat for the baby to wear on Halloween. He is buried in that hat. The kids wanted to buy a full on costume for the baby to wear. I knew I would not be trick-or-treating with my kids. I'd stay home with the baby and show him/her off to all my friends and strangers. I am such a planner that I was envisioning all these little things. That is what makes this day hard. I had it all planned out in my head. I'd be hurrying to get the kids dressed, fed, while answering doorbells, baby crying, everything chaotic. Then the kids would leave with daddy and baby and I would hand out candy together. The kdis would be so excited to show me everythign when they got home. I'd have to tell them to be quiet because the baby is sleeping. Does anyone else think this far ahead? Maybe I am wierd...I sound wierd. Well, a positive thing is that I will get to watch the kids trick or treat. It will be interesting to see if Grace actually says the magic words or if she whispers them.

On another note, we received a surprise package on our doorstep this morning. Cory discovered it first. It was a big, disgusting turd in tinfoil on our front step! (Some people are probably wondering what type of neighborhood we live in). I get that it is Halloween...but that is in very bad taste! Not funny. I am guessing it may have been the same person or group who enjoys torturing our kids by demolishing their snowmen, stealing their pumpkins...someone is very comfortable walking up to our house. I really want to hang a sign that says "Our son is dead, back off."
~The funny thing is when I returned from morning appointments there was another package in tinfoil at our front door. I was ready to come unglued, but it was a loaf of bread with a beautiful card from someone who reads this blog. Thank you!~

Some of you know that we had an appointment with my doctor. It was a very difficult appointment to go to. I knew I had to wear a hat and pull it down to cover my eyes so I would not have to look at all of the pregnant mothers, little newborns, ect. Thankfully, it was not that busy. I always feel like I am on the verge of loosing control when I am in those situations. It is hard to hold back the tears. I am really good at just letting them pool without them falling out.

We heard some things today that were both comforting and heartbreaking. This was the first time we could really ask questions about what had happened. First, I told her that we did not care for the physician that took care of us. She told me right away that she was sorry and that she would have liked to have been notified of our situation. Whew...she can still be my doctor. I knew I liked her. I did not want to pose that question to her because really what would she say? "No Holly, I would not like to be bothered on my weekend off"?

Then we spoke about the possibilities of why this happened. Why did Beckett die? The reports indicated there was no medical reason, that they could tell, without an autopsy, the reason for his death. There were no underlying conditions in me, there were no cord issues or placenta issues...he was a perfect baby boy. That hurts...it really hurts. It was excruciating when they announced that in the OR. "A beautiful baby boy with lots of hair". Knife right threw the heart out and then twisted for good measure! Granted, we did not ask for an autopsy. What did it matter really? The outcome was the same. On the other hand, we are thankful. Thankful...to know he probably did not suffer or struggle. Thankful...he probably just fell asleep and did not wake up. Thankful...that there was not a "condition" that went undetected in me that could have prevented this.

So, it is both a blessing and a heartache. A mystery...a reason for Beckett's death will not be known. That is something else I will have to digest and work through. We kind of knew that already, but it is confirmed. It is the end of the story. You always tend to want and answer. Sometimes that makes it easier to process. It medically it is probably better that there was not a "reason". If we decide to try for a fourth child, we don't have to make that decision based on possible complications we could face. We would certainly have intense anxieties and I am guessing it would not be a pleasant 38 weeks.

Some people are asking about my "veins"...I had a couple of doctors take a look see at them. Facial expressions are priceless...it is something I can get a real giggle out of. They discussed lancing them...sounded scary to me...I was picturing myself in this huge pull-up to contain the blood! They decided that it would need to be done in a surgical setting. Thank goodness...I hate my veins but I was pretty nervous about the outcome. Looks like I will go back to the vascular surgeon and see what he thinks. Holly maybe having another surgery very soon. They spoke of lasers so that can't be too bad. Right?? So the veins stay for a while.

So, I really don't know what else to write. I kind of feel numb right now. It will take some time to work through the news. Thankfully my dear friend Donna will be here tonight and we can work through it together. I know there will be a lot of sarcasm and words shared that we always tell our children not to use like "stupid" "dumb"...