I had an appointment with my regular Ob today. I had the kids with me this time. I was hoping a heartbeat would be found swiftly. That was not the case. She had trouble finding it. She found mine. That is exactly how is started with Beckett. In my head, I was thinking...OK I will have to call Cory to come and take the kids while they do an ultrasound to try and find the heart beat. It seemed like forever until she found the steady beat at 147. Panic almost set in...having the kids there I think saved me from bursting out in premature tears.

I had a great visit with my doctor. She reiterated that we can do an amnio at 36 weeks and decide delivery from there. That puts me at November 13th. She reassured me to call her immediately with questions or concerns. She looked me right in the eye and said I can not read minds. I can only become a better doctor if you tell me what you need or are feeling. I felt like she really and truly meant it. I think I have a great team behind us. That is reassuring.

So the next date to look forward to is July 9th at 8am. I will have a full anatomy in-depth ultrasound (not a biophysical). The biophysical ultrasounds begin at week 30. Right now I am at week 16 and 4 days.

I can't believe I forgot to ask for my ultrasound pictures today. I also walked out of the office without making the next appointment! I guess I was so relieved to hear that heart beat...nothing else mattered!

The Klinnert family is headed to the east (St. Michael) for our annual family vacation on Wednesday night. We are really looking forward to spending that time together. We don't have too many things planned except for MOA and possibly the zoo. Otherwise, it is pool and beach time!

Today is Cory and my 8 year anniversary. Seems like a lot longer than that!:) Maybe because we have been together for 12. Holden figured out that he was pretty much a honeymoon baby last night (totally produced after the wedding). Thank goodness the questions about how you get a baby stopped there. We have been able to skirt the issue so far. He was satisfied with the answer that God decides and then gives you one. After Beckett, he asked the question and that was the answer he got...then he said, "well we better start praying for another one."

This anniversary seems pretty significant considering we have so far weathered the death of our son. It is pretty challenging to survive that kind of trauma. I feel confident looking ahead knowing we can get through tough stuff and still make each other laugh. We are heading out to celebrate tonight. I may even venture to have a non-alcoholic margarita!!!

My aunt and her husband bought 2 garden stones for Beck's garden...I set them in place today. One of them has the same saying as a plaque I bought that sits by Beck's picture. If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd walk right up to heaven and bring you home again. I think I have cried and continue to cry enough that I'd probably make it there. I am getting a little sick of all the crying, I was never much for tears. I think being pregnant is opening the faucets a little more these days.

I am coming up on an appointment next week. I am very anxious to get there and hear the heartbeat. I am coming down from my high and I can feel the anxiety settling in. I sit quietly sometimes and try to feel the baby move. I thought I had felt something but since I have not felt it again I think it was my mind playing tricks. Of course, I am heading towards 16 weeks so it is unlikely that I should feel it flutter around yet. It is hard to believe I am days short of 4 months. It seems the fist 8 weeks took FOREVER. Now things seem to have sped up a little.

Happy Anniversary Cory! I love you and am looking forward to dinner tonight:)

The appointment...

We had our visit with the perinatologist late afternoon on Wednesday. I am so glad Cory was able to come with. From start to finish...the appointment was so good. Mostly that opinion comes from the feeling that they really cared. They were going to try and find some answers for us. Not the usual...you will never know what happened. I am not getting ahead of myself...I am not sure an answer will be found but it made me a little more hopeful that they might find a cause.

We had an ultrasound that was pretty awesome, to say the least. I believe it was a Level II. Anyway, we saw our baby pretty close up. He/She sucked her thumb (or appeared to be) and even stuck our their tongue! It was so cool to see it wiggling around. We catch a glimpse of the tiny little nose both all three of our kids have. It was an emotional experience. I felt like I connected to him/her. It was very spastic and looked like it had the hiccups. He/she was a mover and a shaker. I measured out at 13 weeks and 5 days...going into the appointment I was at 12 weeks and 5 days. We discussed the possibilities and concurred that the date would be changed as he felt the ultrasound was accurate. SO...WOOHOO...a week means everything. It is huge even if it does not seem like it. It is one less week to worry, it is closer to the end, and it means an earlier delivery date...so officially I am due December 11th. This baby could possibly make a November appearance. He also said that at 36 weeks we could do an amnio and if things were developed the discussion of a 36 week delivery could be possible. Do not get me wrong...I want the nest for this baby. I want more than anything for this baby to survive. We will do what is in the best interest of the little nubbin.

The other good news is that I will be seeing him every four weeks. I will also be seeing my regular OB every four weeks. That means I will be seeing a doctor every 2 weeks! That really helps the anxiety level. In 4 weeks I have a biophysical (I believe) scheduled where they will do an in-depth analysis of all the organs, fluids, placenta etc. I hope we don't catch an view of one particular organ:)

Beginning at 32 weeks I will be seen 2 times weekly for testing and monitoring. I know that even with all of these interventions things can still happen but at least I have the piece of mind knowing I will be closely watched.

They will be doing a lot of blood work to look for things, which will be comforting.

The whole appointment has really given me some hope...some piece of mind. I feel like I will be taken seriously. I really felt like they were going to do everything they could to get this baby here in our arms. I am not so far in the clouds but I feel a little more relaxed and I feel a little more excited for this baby...in this moment.

I can't help but think Beckett is here and rooting for us. Gosh, I love and miss that little guy. I saw a little boy at the game last night who was born October 1st...I couldn't help but think of my little guy sitting there with me...rubber band hands and all.

I took the time to send the dreaded e-mail to the monument company today! Big step. Cory's mom is friends with the people who own this place so hopefully it will make things a little easier. I wonder how much a person can write on a head stone? So many things I'd want written on that stone but trying to narrow it down to only a few is tough business! Obviously, we will unanimously decide...fun conversations to have.

I feel that seeing the new life inside of me yesterday has sparked an emotional roller coaster. All I can think about is Beckett. In a sense that is comforting...the new baby in no way diminishes his spot in our life. This new baby is not a replacement (never was meant to be or could possibly be). I kind of wondered about that. Nothing has changed. I am still a grieving mother.

There is a glimmer of excitement for the newest addition. This baby is definitely wanted. I will fight to get this baby here safely. I just have such a different perspective. I am so glad everyone else is so hopeful for us!

Correction for my family members, the perinatologist appt is next Wednesday...obviously a little pregnancy brain.

Thank you to everyone who sent me a message and encouragement this morning. It really helped me. A little hyperventilating...a little illness from the unknown...a little tears...a lot of anxiety and nervousness, but I made I made it through. We saw our little peanut today. We saw the heart beating. We have an excellent Dr. who was very compassionate, reassuring, and empathetic. Everything looks perfect...sigh and oh, so did Beckett.

We jumped a hurdle today. 1st trimester is over. My Dr. suggested seeing a perinatalogist. These are doctors who specialize in high risk pregnancies. Anyway, I will have a repeat ultrasound on Friday and then meet with the specialist to review history and the ultrasound. I think this will be helpful as this journey is incredibly difficult. Hopefully, I will feel like I have lots of information to guide me through this.

I am very grateful that we have made it this far. I am grateful for the positive news today. My scanner is not working so I can't post the picture of the blob baby today, but I will. Thank you for all the positive thoughts and well wishes. It means the world to us to have that support.

I have also really felt Beckett's presence surrounding me today. I spoke to him when I was getting worked up about this appointment. I could feel his presence with us at the ultrasound... maybe getting the first peek at his brother/sister.

Flashbacks

Tuesday is our first appointment with our doctor. I have a pit in my stomach. It is not out of excitement but rather anxieties that we are going to hear the words, "There is no heartbeat." I really hope we have a picture to bring home and show the kids.

I woke on Friday morning around 4:30am after a horrible dream that our new baby was dead. There was no heartbeat. We were devastated. My dreams have been extremely vivid in the last few weeks. Very real. Very real emotions upon waking up. I had to calm myself down...I think this dream was a combo of the upcoming ultrasound and the fact that my nausea had gone away for about 4 days~before the 12 week mark. Since then, I think God has given me some more nausea to help deal with my anxieties. Still-a little bit of panic is settling in. My heart is beating faster and I feel like I can't sit still. The good news is the appointment is just before 9am so I don't have a day to wait~as long as no babies need to be delivered:)