We had our long awaited appointment today for Grace. She was going to see a pediatric gastro. guy regarding her digestion issues. I wonder if it take 3 months to get in just because the Dr. is so animated in discussions and people want a giggle so they choose him? He literally showed me several ways in which she could be holding her poo with facial expressions to match!

We were going to rule out Hirschsprung's disease. I guess the good news is that she does not seem to have that. However, good news or not that would have been the quickest fix to her problem. It would have meant a surgery to remove part of colon. Does not sound "easy", but definately quicker.

The issue we are dealing with is withholding. The withholding is a result of a traumatic experience around the time of potty training, most likely. She has taught herself to do that in response to the urge to go poo. That has created a plethera of problems within her body.

He needed to do a little internal exam in that region, if you know what I mean, and she was not letting him do what he needed to do. He said her strength was impressive! He actually said it was unreal how strong and powerful she was. (Girlfriend has been working her glutes for 4 years!) He said she has a very serious case. She is more secure than Fort Knox. She is strong willed and physcially strong which combined...not easy to "fix".

When he was questioning me about what events were going on at the time of potty training, I got choked up, knowing the cause. It is the only logical explanation. We were training her so we'd only have one child in diapers. She was doing alright. We were getting there. And then our world got flipped upside down. Our baby that we talked about EVERY single day, the baby the kids talked to through my belly to EVERY night, the baby we so EAGERLY counted down to "birth day"...well that baby died. And a part of us died too.

I was a complete wreck of a mom to her. I cried all the time. My kids walked by me warily gauging my emotions. Is it a good time? Not a good time? She really needed me and I was not there for her the way she needed me to be. I just wasn't. I could not help it. I was utterly and totally devastated and sad beyond belief. And then 6 months later there was another baby on the way. We were happy, sad, nervous, anxious....the girl really must have been more lost than I was. Needless to say, I feel completely guilty and sick inside today. Our little girl was just trying to control something in an uncontrollable world.

And it has turned into this. Frustrated parents. A tarnished self esteem from everyone getting down on her. Embarrassment about everyone talking about her "issues". Teasing from peers. I can't even think of a single day that she gone through that she has not felt bad about herself for her bathroom issues. And it breaks my heart that there were plenty of times I could have been more understanding but I wasn't. I could have turned the other way and not lectured, but I did not.

I just feel so responsible for this whole mess. I feel like she really needed me and I let her down. She was so young when Beckett died...she could not understand and I could not control my despair and emptiness.

I told myself I could feel bad for all that has happened for just a short while today. Then, we need to gear up for a difficult 6 months to a year of helping her learn to not hold...and just let go:) I remind myself...she does not need surgery, she does not have cancer, she does not have serious medical conditions, she will not have to live with a bowel problem the rest of her life...this is treatable...this is fixable.

So, to all my readers that have contact with Grace...it is incredibly important that her "issues" are not discussed within ear shot of her hearing. No one can ask her how her "potty" is going. No one can pay her any attention even if you see her looking like she needs to use the restroom. She needs to figure this out on her own. Her body no longer knows what she needs to do and when. So we will be giving her high doses of laxative daily for 6 months to a year so there is absolutely no doubt in her mind of when she needs to visit the bathroom. Get your toilet brush ready Sher!! We are coming this weekend (LOL).

I guess it is off to Target to stock up on Miralax and undies:)!!!

We have had such a great weather the last week! We have spent many hours of the day working and playing in the sun. The gardens are all looking good. Beckett's garden is filling in great. I love to sit and look at it. I was not sure Beckett's tree was going to make it this year, I thought the same last year. It looked pretty dry and brittle...and then one day brilliant. It is kind of ironic. That is how I feel about Beckett's death and his absence in our lives. Often when I think about him I feel very alone, brittle, and depressed...and then something will happen and I will see all the riches his death has brought to our lives. Not to be mistaken that given a choice I'd much rather have him here with us, but since it has to be this way, I can see the goodness and the richness in everday things that I did not before. The tree is a great reminder to me of the beauty that can come out of a hopeless looking situation.

9 reasons I love you...

My boy Holden turns 9 today. I can't even believe it. Nine years he has graced this world with his presence. He is such a wonderful boy whom we are so proud of!

Holden...since you are 9 I thought I'd write 9 reasons that I love you.

1. You wear your heart on your sleeve.
2. You have always been such an old soul. I love that about you!
3. You are kind and thoughtful.
4. You are a very loving son.
5. You care about things bigger than yourself...like how other people are feeling and how we take care of our planet.
6. You are adventurous.
7. You are goofy.
8. You are honest.
9. Most of all I love you for all that you are and all that you will be!

We are looking forward to a busy but great day! It is a gorgeous day outside. Holden thinks that it was Beckett's gift to him. I think so too buddy:)

At this stage in Holden's life, he is very self conscious. He is reserved. He gets embarrassed easily. Therefore, pictures are very hard to come by, let alone good ones. So, here a couple of the best ones.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HOLDEN! We love you so much:)

My momma means everything to me. She is such an inspiration in my life. I have so many fond memories growing up as a kid. She was always there to take care of me. She was always there to cheer me on. She was always there with a stern word when I'd get into trouble. Of course, there are always a few memories I'd like to forget. Mostly those times when I was a little snit. Snit is my sister's word...snot+shit=snit. Mom used to use the word schister...it is German for shit head I think. A little vocabulary lesson.

A few distinct situations come to mind. I don't know what I did on this particular day but I ended up running around trying to evade my mom who was chasing after me with a yard stick. I must have done something bad to get that reaction out of her. I swiftly (well that is how I remember it:) climbed up into our pine tree. I was high enough where she could not reach me. I her yelling at me to get down there. I stayed in the tree for quite a while. Was she nuts? Did she think I'd really come down there when she was yielding a yard stick? I never did get the stick, but I might have gotten dad when he got home from work.

I love my mom. She was there for me every step of the way. She always had advice but usually would only give it if I asked. 9.5 times out of 10 her advice is dead on. Sometimes when my sister and I are talking about a situation, we usually say, "What would mom do?" She has a good heart and knows how to use it.

She is always there to lend a helping hand too. She is great with all the grand kids and seems to know just about how to do everything. She is almost always one of the first people I call for anything. I know I could google just about anything and figure it out but I like to talk to her.

I am so fortunate to have a mom like her in my life. I want her there for all the big and small things. I desperately wish I lived closer to her so we could do more of those big and small things together. But I do know that we cherish the time we do get to spend together even more.

I just hope that I am half the mom she is and was to me. I want my kids to always feel loved no matter what. I never want to let them down. I never want them to feel like the are not important and cherished. There has never been a time that I can remember that I have ever felt that way in our relationship and believe me...I did not always make that easy.


I love you mom! You are the best...always have been. I SO wish I could be with all of you today. I hate it when I am the only one missing. Hopefully the weather is beautiful and you can all sit out on the deck and enjoy the beautiful lake! Miss you tremendously!


I wasn't always an easy child. Like mom says, "You were an angel as long as I did not say no to you!" I have a feeling I might have a couple of daughters who might follow in my footsteps. I could go on an on about my memories.


**For the record I tried to look up schister for the correct spelling...and schister does not seem to mean anything about sh&^...what were you calling me?

My special aunt Lulu needs some prayers. Her husband is entering hospice. Please pray that they both feel God's arms wrapped around them...life is not fair!

Life is not fair sometimes...that is why it is so important to revel in the small things. We have no control our future so let's live for each day. It is too darn hard to think of all the icky things that could and might happen...or did happen.

Yesterday was a beautiful day! The kids and I spend most of our time outside. Liv and I went for a walk in the morning and the little bugger stayed put in the stroller...content...WOW! When Grace got home from school she made a little spot for her and I on the driveway. I watched her drag out various items, curious as to how she was going to use all of them together and what for. She had to large blankets, 4 outdoor ride on toys, 2 pairs of sunglasses, hand sanitizer, a watch, and 2 pillows in her arsenal. I was prepared to enjoy some time eating my lunch without Liv demanding my attention (any parent knows this is the simplest pleasure). Grace came in the door beaming at what she had created. There was one blanket spread out onto the driveway with the 4 ride on toys anchoring each corner. Two pillows were lined up side by side. The second blanket was spread over the top of the first blanket. By our heads lay the hand sanitizer and watch. She created a spot for us to lay and watch the clouds together...then she was going to sing me a Mother's Day song she made up the night before. I gave up the idea of a long, quiet lunch and instead ate quickly and went to lay on the pavement with my little girl...sharing what we saw in the clouds. We definitely thought Beck was taking a ride on one. We laid there in the warm sun with a blanket covering us when the sun went under the clouds...never had a chance to use the hand sanitizer, but oh well!

It was a simple moment like that that I will remember forever. It was an amazing hour together.

Later that day, the girls and I were walking out of swimming lessons. Liv was holding Grace and my hand as we walked. Grace looked at me and said "Today is the best day of my life!" I responded, "Really? Why?" Grace replied, "Just walking...with Liv holding my hand." It is the simple things that mean the most...not all the stuff that clutter up life sometimes.