A sign

My writing on this blog has significantly decreased. I was not even sure I remembered how to log in! I wanted to share, however, a sign that I got yesterday. I just know it was meant for me from Beckett.

While the kids were running around with their shirts off/swim suits on outside, I decided to pick up the rake and work on clearing out my flower beds. There is about a 4 inch thick layer of leaves covering Beck's garden and the one right next too it. I cleaned out the one opposite of Beck's first. Nothing too exciting starting yet, little buds of green. Then I moved onto Beckett's garden. With the very first sweep of the rake I uncovered the garden stone the my aunt, uncle and their kids had made for us. It is a beautiful tile piece with an angel with blue wings made of glass tile and it is inscribed with his name and a little saying. That thing was gleaming in the sun!! The blue was sparkling. It certainly did not look like it was sitting under four inches of gross leaves for an entire winter and needed to be cleaned. That was the 1st sign. But the second swipe of the rake revealed the 2nd sign. There was a small flox right next to the stone that was brilliantly green and looked like I just planted it. None of the other flox that are in that garden or any of my other gardens comes close to looking like the one next to his stone. The others are dry and no where near looking alive and well at this point. I truly believe it was a sign for me...in his special garden! Not to mention later in the nigh,t I went to a 31 party, and I opened the magazine to look at the products and there on the page was a personalized bag with the name Beckett. Nice coincidence!!

I remember those days, which seem so long ago, when I would stare out the window looking, waiting, hoping for a sign from him that he was okay. Yesterday, I felt like when I was least expecting it...he gave it too me. I think he wanted to wait for a sneak attack so I would know it was not something I dreamt up but something that was real. He lives on and is well. What a swell to my heart!

Our baby girl is 2!! I can not believe that she has been with us for that long. I am so grateful for her presence in our lives. I get so excited when I even think about her. As she sleeps in the room next to where I am typing I picture her there with her sweet face with those beautiful eyes closed...dreaming. I would love to go in there and hold her to me and let her sleep.

She is an incredible little 2 year old. She is FULL of spunk and personality. Sometimes that spunk drives me bonkers, but it also makes me laugh and wonder what she will think of next. She is learning so much, so fast. She is doing so much, so fast!

Things that drive me nuts: climbing onto the table, using the chairs to get on top of the counter tops, climbing up the shelves in the pantry, taking all the Kleenex out of the box and either tearing it up into little pieces or throwing them all over, unraveling the toilet paper, climbing up the appliances, pounding on the candy machines at the hockey rink and scoring free candy, needing to climb up the giant cement stair at the rink, needing to disrobe any time she hers water running in the shower or bath tub (this would not be so bad but she is a water hog), and NEVER wanting to sit in a stroller or shopping cart ("I walk mom!"), throwing food or using food as body lotion...ahhh.

Things that are just too cute: wanting everyone to do ring around the rosy a billion times, asking for "nuggles", reading book after book, her pretending to read books, she hears music and she is dancing, she likes to show everyone what she is wearing, she is constantly trying to make everyone laugh especially at the dinner table, her excitement when Holden's hockey bag comes up the stairs (she loves hockey because she scores the free candy), singing "Happy to You" to herself on her birthday, her excitement over animals, when she rubs my arm or hair, calling Holden Bob or Bobbie if he is not paying attention to her...this list could go on and on:)

Liv, you are a tremendous blessing in our lives. I cherish you!

I am back from a weekend spent with my mom, sisters, and some friends. It was so refreshing and much needed time with some of the most important people in my life. There was a point on Saturday when the joy I felt in my heart was spilling over. I felt light joy and sunshine was oozing out of my pores. I guess it just felt really good to be home and surrounded by beautiful people.

Before my friend and I left for Watkins, we needed to read a local magazine that featured a friend of ours on the cover. I have been waiting patiently for the magazine to be in the stores. That beautiful family on the front cover is my friend who lost her baby boy Beck shortly after we lost our Beckett. She was the one who saved me from spinning out of control in the grieving process. We have built a great friendship, brought together by tragedy and now the bond of our two little girls Piper and Liv who have brought us so much JOY. I attached the link to the article. Yes you might need a tissue, but you will be amazed at Tami's strength and see the goodness that came from great sadness. I am proud to have her as my friend.

http://www.onthemindsofmoms.com/

You can pick up the magazine at any of our local grocery stores and various stores throughout town...as well as doctor's offices. I was interviewed for the article and was very honored to participate in a small way. Tami is such a wonderful person whom I look up to. I just feel blessed to have her in my (our) life.

There are no adequate words to express the pain that is left in our hearts. The day Beck was delivered it was cold, rainy, dreary. Today it is warm, sunny, glorious. Last night, I felt the darkness of that day. I was overcome with intense anguish. He was all I could think about. I tried watching frivolous shows. I tried playing games. I tried reading a book. But, the replay of all the events that lead to October 4th, 2008 kept replaying over and over and over again. Building in strength with every passing minute. Then midnight neared and the built up feelings just exploded. I tried to close my eyes and will it away, but the tears just puddled and soaked my pillow. I wished there would be a pill I could take to make it all go away. I knew I was in for a long night. I tried taking a Melatonin but knew I needed a Zanax or something. I have never even had a Zanax but it sounded good.

Life is not fair. It is filled with bad deals...(green weiners if you will;). But without those bad deals...we'd never get to experience life with such open eyes. The sun just is not as glorious. The sound of the leaves falling is just not as cool. Staring at your kids is just not as wonderous. The beauty of friendships not realized. The importance of family and their love and support not appreciated as much. All these things have been revealed to us in the aftermath of Beck's death. Not to say that others do not know these things, but when you have dealt with a deep and intense grief of any kind...you appreciate more.

Thank you to all the wonderful people in our life who have remembered us even after all these years. Thank you for the flowers, cards, prayers, messages, e-mails...thanks for remembering him most importantly. I think that is all a parent wants is to know that people remember the kids that are not here with us but still live with us everyday. He is a big part of our family. An important part of our family.

Beckett,

3 years old buddy! Happy birthday to you. I am hoping that there is some celebration for you today. I see you running, laughing, and playing. I see Ann there with you...holding you and pointing out things to you. That makes me feel better to know that she is there too.

Not a single day goes by that you are not thought of. You are ever present in our lives, just not in the way we had hoped. God picked a good family to have you born into because you are loved and missed by so many! There is not another family who could love you more.

I wish I could squeeze you and kiss those soft cheeks. I wish I could share so many things with you. It is hard to accept that those things can only happen in my mind.

Happy Birthday baby!

Just thinking of you today little buddy. I thought I heard you whisper in my ear today..."I am okay mom."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlDUkp1Ts8A&feature=related

This day would have marked your last day that I carried you alive...that last movement felt...

The other night, I held my son as he cried...for his brother.

It was a typical weekend night, Holden requesting a sleepover. We said no. He got upset. He stomped off to be alone. After about an hour of letting him pout, I approached him and was met with sad eyes. I asked what was the matter. He turned away and hid his head under the covers. I pressed on asking him to please tell me why he was acting so funny. He relented. What he said nearly knocked me on my knees. Shock, fear, anger, sadness...overtook me.

I still cannot say it or write the words without my heart beating a little faster, air harder to come by...he said that sometimes he wanted to die. I am not thinking of this as a link to Beckett at that second, I am concerned for his mental health. And then he said, "If I die, I will be with Beckett. I just want to see him so bad! I want to be with my brother." He confided in me that this time of year it is really hard for him. He told me that he thinks of him all the time and it makes him really sad. I held him so tight and I blubbered out all the things a mom is supposed to say, but I am thinking I have felt that desperate too at times. I know what you mean buddy.

I definitely underestimated his feelings. I am so wrapped up in my own grief this time of year, I really never even thought to ask him. We talk about Beckett often but we really do not talk about each other's feelings and where we are at now.

My heart breaks for Holden. He is a passionate and sensitive kid. He does not think like a typical nine year old. He is deep, wise...an old soul.

Since then, I have waited for an opportunity to catch him alone and revisit his feelings to gauge where he is at when he is less tired and irritated. He was laying on the trampoline alone today...perfect! I went out and laid on the trampoline with him. We made small talk for a little bit. When I asked him how he is dealing with everything lately, he shrugged his shoulders and said fine. He told me another piece of information that I have never given a thought to. He told me going to church makes him think about Beckett more. He does not like it.

I think I understand his feelings. I know I still struggle with church, especially now. I guess I still have some unresolved resentment and hurts that have not been addressed...neither does he. Problem is...how do I help him? He does not want to talk to anyone about it, but I think he needs to. He is embarrassed and too proud to let his feelings show. How forceful should I be? Any advice would be appreciated.

I am SO overly emotional this time of year. I seriously can tear up over the silliest of things. For example, watchign a recap on the Today Show about the Emmy's. I teared up when Mad Men won, I have never even seen a single episode. I have NO idea what it is about. I cried for Modern Family, well I guess that could be legit.

Today I am crying because I am homesick. I need my mom. I need my sisters. I want to see my dad. I would love just to head to a coffee shop and sit on those oversized chairs and just talk about silly things with them. I have purchased coffee more last week than I ever have because for some wierd reason in makes me feel closer to them. I really love living in Moorhead, but I really hate being far enough away that I have to plan my visits.

I know the reason for all this emotional stuff is because the anniversary of Beck's death is on our heels. I remember those days so clearly. I just really remember how happy we were. How excitied we were. How great life felt.

It has been almost 3 years. 3 YEARS!!!!!!!! He'd be getting so big. He'd be using all those funny words that I would not correct like cadepider, pasghetti, legobug...I picture him and Holden playing catch out in the yard. I see him following his brother everywhere. I see him adoring Holden in his football gear and standing behind him on the sidelines. I see him jumping on the trampoline with the big kids. I see him playing with all the Tonka trucks in the sandbox. I see him everywhere, but I really don't.

I try to imagine what he'd look like, how tall he would be, how the weight of him would feel on my lap, how his hair would smell before I tucked him into bed...I try to imagine a lot of things and it hurts so bad not to know. I am missing a huge part of my life and at times the weight of that is so overwhelming that I fell crushed. Right now I feel crushed. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breath. My little boy. I miss him so much.

I went to his grave site alone this weekend. I don't have many opportunities to do so. I like to sit there and trace his hand prints on his stone. I put my finger right into his palm and envision him squeezing it.

Cory and I are going to sneak away again this year near his angelversary. We did not get to do it last year, but this year we are. Cory's mom and Keith are going to take the kids for us. We got a lake side room with a patio. We will have the King bed with yummy linens and a big TV. Doesn't that sound dreamy? We have no real plans. Maybe we will catch a movie, dinner out...but mostly we will just veg out and watch movies...eat snacks...and then find little bar on the way back to town and catch the Vikes game. Simple, easy...can I go now?

I think it is really good for us to get away at that time. I can sit out on that patio and look into the beautiful sky and hear the lap of the water and think of our little boy.