I am SO overly emotional this time of year. I seriously can tear up over the silliest of things. For example, watchign a recap on the Today Show about the Emmy's. I teared up when Mad Men won, I have never even seen a single episode. I have NO idea what it is about. I cried for Modern Family, well I guess that could be legit.

Today I am crying because I am homesick. I need my mom. I need my sisters. I want to see my dad. I would love just to head to a coffee shop and sit on those oversized chairs and just talk about silly things with them. I have purchased coffee more last week than I ever have because for some wierd reason in makes me feel closer to them. I really love living in Moorhead, but I really hate being far enough away that I have to plan my visits.

I know the reason for all this emotional stuff is because the anniversary of Beck's death is on our heels. I remember those days so clearly. I just really remember how happy we were. How excitied we were. How great life felt.

It has been almost 3 years. 3 YEARS!!!!!!!! He'd be getting so big. He'd be using all those funny words that I would not correct like cadepider, pasghetti, legobug...I picture him and Holden playing catch out in the yard. I see him following his brother everywhere. I see him adoring Holden in his football gear and standing behind him on the sidelines. I see him jumping on the trampoline with the big kids. I see him playing with all the Tonka trucks in the sandbox. I see him everywhere, but I really don't.

I try to imagine what he'd look like, how tall he would be, how the weight of him would feel on my lap, how his hair would smell before I tucked him into bed...I try to imagine a lot of things and it hurts so bad not to know. I am missing a huge part of my life and at times the weight of that is so overwhelming that I fell crushed. Right now I feel crushed. I feel like someone is sitting on my chest and I can't breath. My little boy. I miss him so much.

I went to his grave site alone this weekend. I don't have many opportunities to do so. I like to sit there and trace his hand prints on his stone. I put my finger right into his palm and envision him squeezing it.

Cory and I are going to sneak away again this year near his angelversary. We did not get to do it last year, but this year we are. Cory's mom and Keith are going to take the kids for us. We got a lake side room with a patio. We will have the King bed with yummy linens and a big TV. Doesn't that sound dreamy? We have no real plans. Maybe we will catch a movie, dinner out...but mostly we will just veg out and watch movies...eat snacks...and then find little bar on the way back to town and catch the Vikes game. Simple, easy...can I go now?

I think it is really good for us to get away at that time. I can sit out on that patio and look into the beautiful sky and hear the lap of the water and think of our little boy.