Quite a while back I was invited to go on a scrapbook retreat with my sisters to Hinckley, MN. It took a lot of thought...but on my last chance to sign up I decided to do it. It would mean leaving Liv for almost 3 days! I typed yes, hit send and sent a check off immediately so I could not back out. I spent many a nights/days pumping...and pumping...and pumping to have enough food for Liv. 125 ounces to be exact! As Friday morning approached my stomach was turning over and over. I really was not sure how I was going to leave my baby, but I did it and Cory was going to be on his own (included in the mix was a birthday party and going away party).

I have not gone away with my sisters in 5 years without children with us. I was anxious to leave but looking forward to some sister time. We had a nice, relaxing time together. We worked on our scrapbooks of our kids and family...so it was even more fun reminicing or seeing photos for the first time. The three of us got to share a room together. There we were lined up each on our own twin bed...youngest to oldest. I can't really say that Mandie was in the room as much as us. She is a die hard...not coming to bed until 4:45AM!! Seriously...my creative juices run dry by midnight. I can't keep up with her. We had an excellent time...I wish those times happened more frequently. On my way home Sunday, I was able to meet my momma and godmother for a quick lunch. It felt a little wierd as I never just drop in quick. I hated to leave but I knew I had three excited kids waiting for me and a daddy that might want a little relief. It was so awesome to pull into the driveway and have my kids coming out to greet me. Holden had a big smile on his face and gave me the biggest squeeze. Grace was super excited to have me back. She would reach out and just touch my arm with a big smile on her face throughout the rest of the afternoon and next day. Liv was full of smiles and "talks". It is so nice to come back and see those happy faces...just for me. I really thought there would be some pay back...as in lots of crying, whining...but they handled it really well! Cory did not cry either...or bolt out the door to the golf course:)

With this early summer like weather the garden for Beck has been coming in nicely. I thought his tree might have bit the dust but it is sprouting like crazy. It makes me happy to think of taking the kids to pick out special annuals to plant for him. His garden is a very special place (for all of us). When I care for the plants, I am thinking of him constantly. With that there is a lot of saddness, it is a heartache that will never go away, but it is also gives me something to do...look after in honor of him. I have been thinking that I want to plant a couple of perinneals at his grave sight. So...if there is anyone that has some suggestions of some meaningful plants that might work, please let me know.

I just want to thank all those people who still send me an e-mail to let me know they are thinking about us, those that let me know they still read this blog, and for those who help keep Beck's memory alive. I think of him every single day...every hour...and then some. He is my little angel whom I know watches over us. I am so grateful for his beautiful spirit. It has been just over a year and a half since I held my little pumpkin. I SO wish he was here with is...begging me to play. I'd love to be digging in the sand and showing him all kinds of interesting bugs outside. I'd love to be strolling him and Livie side by side in the stroller. I'd love to be picking up his sippy cup that he has thrown on the floor for the tenth time. I'd love to be complaining to my friends that I am exhausted caring for all these kids. I would have loved him to have stepped out onto the steps to greet me home this weekend. But, then again...he was with me this whole weekend. Grace DID NOT want to be outnumbered by boys so I offered to take Beckett with me:)

Liv is now a rolling over machine. Her first offical role over was on my birthday, December 15th. She was 2 weeks old. I was there to witness the roll.

I worked when Holden was little. I worked some really bad hours some days. It was too demanding a job with a young family. I was the manager of a group home for adults with disabilities. It sounded so awesome! I thought $21, 000 was a lot of money. I was naive:) I loved the people I helped. I still think of all of them often. They were like a second family. But I missed out on so much with that job. Sometimes I'd have to work until 10p, midnight and until 3am. It was hard to try and be a mom and wife with that kind of job. I was lucky to get a job as a case manager with more family friendly hours. I had a large caseload of kids with disabilities and I helped those families with respite care, school issues, and working to make a normal life as possible for the kids. When I was pregnant with Grace we really became serious about developing a plan that would allow me to stay home. Things fell into place (Cory worked very hard at making it happen)...and when Grace was born we decided that I would quit my job and be a stay at home mom. I was going to be able to be there for all the firsts for my kids from here on out!

It was hard to adjust to a new lifestyle but I loved it...still do. I am so very thankful that we were able to make it happen. I will never regret that decision. What does all of this have to do with my beginning entry that Liv can roll over? Well, we have been working with her for the last 2 weeks on rolling over with no luck. Then yesterday Grace got some new gold nail polish, so while I was painting her tootsies and fingers, Liv was laying next to us on her back playing with a toy. I had been talking to her as I was concentrating on the perfect paint job (if I paint outside the lines...there is trouble). I glance over at Liv...still there...but wait! She was on her back and is now on her stomach! She rolled over, holding her head up high with a smile on her face. She did it...right under my nose! I missed it. I can't believe I missed it. I missed her triumph. Crap!! But since then I have witnessed many of roll overs. Yeah for Livie...it won't be long before she is getting around by herself.

Grace had her 5 year check up yesterday. I made Cory come with me because I wanted him to assist when it was time for her to get vaccinated. I had prepared her for one poke..not three! Of course the topic of discussion was incontinence. Grace shared with Cory that we really need to fix this problem. It has not gotten better with the tonsilectomy, which they thought. We have decided to start a medication to help her stay dry. We are kind of hoping that if we can help her out and use medication for a couple of weeks...she'll be more successful. We have gotten to the point that we are afraid her self-esteem will become effected by the reactions from us and others. We don't want to damage her in that way. Crossing our fingers this medication helps! Our doctor is a little perpelxed by her. She told us that Grace is a sophisticated, special kid. She had a lot of positive remarks about her. She asked where she gets the strong willed trait. Cory and I look at each other and said "We have no idea!" Both Cory and I are laid back and flexible. Grace can be...but she can also be bull headed. Usually when it comes to clothing, shoes, and accessories (help me!). I guess when I was a kid and more realistically through my high school years...I was strong willed. Independent. By my college years I had mostly outgrown my strong willed days. So I guess it is just a little pay back for my challenging days adn Cory is along for the ride. BUT, I would not have Grace any other way. She is unique, loving, giving, funny, and entertaining.

As long as this entry has become about the kids...I can't leave Holden out. He is as busy as ever...and if there is a minute of down time...I will hear about it. "I am SOOOO borrreeddd!" I can give him 5 ideas of what to do and he will have an excuse why none of those will work out. He is at an interesting age right now. He is approaching 8. I can see how he is starting to seperate himself slightly from us. He still loves to cuddle up and read a book, organize a family night, or go for a bike ride together, but he is definately into friends right now. He asks for sleepovers every weekend, never wants to go anywhere unless it involves fun, and wants to stay up late. He is still very in love with his little sister, but he is busy as ever. You may find him digging a 3 foot deep hole, for instance, behind the house. He may be playing a game of football or hockey with the neighborhood kids. He is non stop. I guess that would explain why he asks for food ALL THE TIME! Today I was driving by his school and noticed his class practicing the mile run (remember that?). After I dropped of his cousin at school I caught his attention waving my hand out the window yelling "Hey Holden, go buddy, run!" I think he was shocked (and probably embarassed), but he kicked it up a few notches:)

Last week decided to take Liv to Beck's grave. We sat there and I told her about him. She stared at his stone...I am sure she liked the contrast (or patterins as Grace would call it). I placed her little hands over the imprint of his hands. She only has about a quarter inch on him. It was a peaceful time there together until a large bird (I couldn't tell what it was. I just knew it was absolutely huge) interupted our peaceful moments. It was massive and stunning. It landed on the lowest branch of the tree next to us. I looked to see what the hell it was. It was an owl! I have never seen an owl outside of the zoo. It was 2o'clock in the afternoon so I thought that to be odd as well. He stared at us...intently. Then he made some clicking noises. I tucked Liv into my arms and watched him. He just sat there. I moved and he flew over to the next tree...still watching us. Still making noises. I am not familiar with owl habits so I decided that maybe Liv and I should head back to the car. I had a vision of this massive bird swooping down and carrying Liv away.

I am a person who has always looked for signs...signs from Beckett that he is still here and knows us. I googled what the "meaning" behind seeing an owl. The first blurp I read was that an owl is a sign of death or a bad omen (well that is appropriate). But the presence of an owl is also associated with protector. I just felt it ironic that I was there at that particular moment with the child I was so desperately waiting to arrive safely...so anxious about loosing even now...I hope it was a sign that Beck is watching over us. I'd like to believe it was. It was awfully odd...uncomfortable...but peaceful as well.

Grace has been talking A LOT about Beckett over the last few days. It makes my heart sink some days...that they carry this trauma with them too. We will be just driving down the road and she will ask questions or tell me her thoughts about Beckett without being provoked. The other day she was telling me that Beckett just was not healthy and that is why he died. I just told her that we did not know why Beckett died but something happened. She then started thinking of her own mortality. She is convinced that she will not die until she is an old grandma (well I hope so!). She has also been talking to Beck on Liv's phone rattle as well. Asking him what he is doing in heaven. She is super sweet to him. She talks to him in the voice she uses with Liv. She has also asked me some tough questions about heaven and if Beckett is there...is he still in the ground? Tough to explain...I don't even get it!! We all miss him. Liv has reminded us of all that we are missing out on...forever with him.

By the way, Grace is doing really good after surgery. The first 24 hours SUCKED! But after that it ws not so bad (easy for me to say). She just started eating all kinds of food again. All of a sudden she is eating like she has been staarved for a year!

Back to cleaning...laundry...good times, good times!

Last Easter the day started out pretty rough...but ended with a bang! I will NEVER forget those moments...it was the evening we learned we were pregnant with Liv. I was so upset that day. Nothing was right. Then there was that moment. On a whim...I thought I'd take a pregnancy test. No reason. No reason to suspect that I was pregnant. It was just a cruddy day and I felt "fat". I was pissed about everything. I took the test so I could be pissed about something else, a negative pregnancy test. I will never forget how it felt to read that positive test. I almost fell over...literally. I needed to steady myself. My emotions were all over the board. I will never forget Cory's reaction to the news. It was a moment that will always be etched in my mind. And here we are one year later with Liv in our arms this Easter. I can't even explain the happiness that brings...to all of us! That was very evident this morning. Liv let out her "I am awake cry"...within 10 seconds there were 4 people staring adoringly at her sweet face before she even got out of her room. Everyone wishing her a Happy Easter. All of us in each others way to try and get the first smile. (The morning smiles are the absolute best!) Everyone was excited to see her all dressed up in her beautiful dress. There was a fight between each of us who'd got to hold her at church...we compromised with all of us getting a turn. No shortage of love either when we went to "close grandmas" for lunch with family. A baby is just that special and is just a wonderful miracle to celebrate!

I wonder if there is a special celebration this day in heaven...I wonder what part Beckett plays in it all...it sucks that he is not here with us. It sucks that he isn't toddling around trying to make sense of all the hullaballu. It sucks that instead of snapping pictures of all my kids...there is one so obviously missing. I miss our little boy. I miss him so much (like another mom has said) it takes my breath away sometimes.

I wish you were here little buddy. I wish I could see you. I wish I could hold you. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I would be chasing you around. Sending up some big hugs...lovies...cuddles today and everyday.