A visual update!

 

This has been a painful visual post:) They appear in a random order. This blog interface is not my friend. It makes me feel inept. In my mind, I envision this beautiful display and then I get this. Oh well!!

#1. This is my dad, Dave, and Holden on his 8th birthday...with the cake he made himself (not kidding). Mom and dad made the trek to Moorhead to hang with us to celebrate Holden's birthday on May 16th. It was a wonderful weekend that went entirely too fast.

#2. Liv at 5.5 months. I could stare at that face for hours...sometimes I do:)

#3 and #4. Grace cleaning out the fountain in Beck's garden. She is detail orientated.

#5. A picture of Livie and her rolls. This picture really showcases her many folds that need to be cleaned. And oops you can see her bubbies on this one:)

#6. Liv with a stache.

#7. Holden and Liv cuddling on the couch. Good pictures of Holden these days is hard to come by. He is allergic to my camera. The good news is his nose is clear...generally that is not the case!

#8. Holden and his friends posing with the limousine we rented for his 8th birthday! It was crazy loud, really fun, and hopefully the last hurrah for b-day parties!

Holden: "Dad, I need a new butt?" Cory: "Why do you need a new butt?" Holden: "Because mine has a crack in it!"  Holden made a funny last night. If this joke is an oldie (still a goodie) we have never heard it before, neither had Holden. He believes this is a quality joke he thought up himself. Since it drew so much attention it has been told many times over since last night! Do butts, farts, and burps ever loose their humor? I know my dad still gets the giggles over a good push, so maybe not...

I got to meet a beautiful, tiny baby on Friday. It is cliche, but I can't believe how fast babies grow. I can hardly remember Livie being that small. Liv is inching up to being 6 months old! I can't believe how fast it went and I really took the time to enjoy and savor every moment I could. She has changed so dramatically. Not so much in the looks department, but in her interactions and physical abilities. She is able to move from one place to another. She was even mobile enough to get to her monitor and throw it out of the crib. Needless to say, that has been moved to another location. She is really enjoying her Johnny Jump Up. She loves to bounce and twirl. She is sitting up already! She needs to be supervised but she balances really well in the middle, but she has not learned how to master not tipping over if she gets off her center. She can blow bubbles with her saliva (always a good one). She has transfered that ability to food. She is eating oatmeal, pears, apples, sweet potatoes and peas. She is also getting the hang of a sippy cup. It is a pretty exciting time for the kids. They love to feed her. They love to help her learn new tricks.

Friday morning all the kids were up early enough to have breakfast together. But why wouldn't they be up early all together? They must have sensed that mom was up late Thursday night...why does it always happen like that? Anyway...I put Liv in her highchair. I started to fix breakfast. When I turned to hand out the food the kids were all lined up. Grace and Holden both pulled a chair beside Liv. It was the cutest thing!!!! They love, love, love her. She is a complete joy to all of us. It helps that she is a mild mannered baby and so smiley. I am so thankful for her presence in our lives. She has made such a tremendous impact on all of us.

I often wonder where I'd be in the grief process if Liv had not been born. There just doesn't seem like there is much time to give in to my pity parties anymore. By the end of the day I am so worn out...I don't even let myself go there. I still think of him many times throughout the day, but I am never alone for more than a couple of minutes to process any of my thoughts that pass through my mind. In a way, that is a blessing. In another way, it makes me feel guilty or disconnected at times. Sometimes I feel so far away from him. That is a really confusing thing. Why do I feel close to him sometimes, but othertimes I feel like we are universes apart? I don't understand. If anyone out there knows of any books written about children in the spiritual world, I'd like to hear about it.

After Beckett died, I met some new people. These are people that I most likely would have not met had we not all shared the profound loss of our boys. When I lost Beck...I had no idea how all this grieving stuff worked. I felt very alone. I felt like no one could quite understand. I felt different from everyone else. And then, unfortunatley, there was another family who lost their baby boy. We connected through mutual friends and our kids were in the same sport. I never knew that meeting that mom would help me so tremendously move through my grief. We shared this awful commonality...and we could talk about it and totally get it. We could share some dark humor. It was a life line I am so thankful to have had and have. And then, unfortunately again, another family lost their boy...and the three of us would meet for some "therapy". We would meet at a coffee shop to listen, talk, and remember.

Then within similar time frames...we were all pregnant. Ironically, we all lost boys and we all had girls! The final girl has arrived and she is adorable, beautiful. So...now we will move through this stage in the grief and parenthood of a child after a loss. I am so incredibly happy for all of us to be where we are right now.

And thank you to whomever left the lady bug at Beck's grave! Grace especially enjoyed it:)

Speaking of Grace...I am still crossing my fingers and not convinced it is for real...but we have had lots of success in the bathroom department. I am talking "all" areas!!! I think the medication is working. It is helping with the leaking. I think she was as worn out in trying to stay dry and we were! Now that she is getting a break from the constant wetness...she is heading to the bathroom on her own and staying dry all day. Seriously? This little pill could have helped us avoid that last 3 years?!!? Oh well...I am just thrilled for her. I can tell she is proud too. (And yes, I feel incredibly guilty for all the nagging/lecturing/disappointment). She needed some medical help. Ahhh...I hope it lasts:)