Happy New Year

The new year is kind of emotional for me. I really do not feel like celebrating anything in a group atmosphere...we are going to hang at home and watch movies with the kids. We bought some fake champagne! Holden is very excited about that!! I am sure I will have to put together the "movie theatre" which is just a bunch of blankets and pillows on the floor:) To them, it is a big deal.

I have been thinking back over the past year and wow...we have had some pretty big situations to deal with. We started 2008 with a house fire at one of our rental properties (the incident occurred on the 24th of December). The house was basically destroyed...we salvaged the walls and ceilings in the top floor. The basement and main floor were totally gutted and we started over. That was a very stressful time for us, to say the least. However, 9 months later it was beautiful~we are very proud of what it is now. That was a bad situation, that we worked through and the outcome was something to be proud of. The other major event in our lives was conceiving Beckett, but loosing him at 37 weeks. That was pretty traumatic...to say the least. But you know what? We are still here (we are a little damaged), we are still good parents to Holden and Grace, Cory and I have a deeper understanding of each other, and we are going to survive this and be better people because of Beckett. Loosing Beck will be one of the hardest things we get through...but we are getting through it. Gosh, I think if we can get through that...we will be so much stronger and better people and parents to our children.

We hope 2009 will bring happiness, acceptance, and peace to our family and for all families that have had to say goodbye to their precious children. I am sure all of that will take a while, but that is what I hope for. Who knows, maybe we will be blessed with another child to love. I always wanted at least 4 children. I guess we will see what 2009 brings!

Happy New Year to everyone!

There are so many things I could write about today...so many thoughts and different emotions.

I'll start with Grace...She has been talking a lot about Beckett in the last few weeks. In the beginning she didn't really understand, just thought we could get a new baby. She has never talked about missing him. She has just always just made some comments (very blunt, I might add) about her brother. Lately, she has been talking about him in a different way. She makes many comments a day about how he is living with Jesus and that he is in her heart. She told me she could feel him there. She also talks about him being with us at home. The other night as we were all sitting in bed reading a story, she stopped us and asked everyone to scoot over because Beckett was going to lay with us. I am not sure where this new perspective on Beckett came from. She has also been drawing a lot of pictures with him in it. Holden did that for about the first month after Beck died. Now he just says how sad it is to not have Beckett apart of our family here. He thinks about him and is just sad he says.

I asked Holden what he would think about us having another baby. He said "good". I asked him if he would be scared...he said "why would I be?" Gosh, is it really that simple? Since the day we had Beck, I thought about whether I wanted to have another baby. Some would say that I trying to replace Beckett. I have thought long and hard about that. There could not be another child that can make that pain go away. There could never, ever be a replacement for him. The love I have for him...can never be replaced. The place where I hold my baby now can never be substituted. There is a guilt there, though. I know that after Beckett, we would have taken measures to ensure he would have been our last. So I wonder how that child would feel knowing they would not be here if Beckett would have made it. Would that child feel ill effects from that? Would that be something we'd even share with him/her? There are so many other things to think of before we decide to try again...not to mention the unthinkable...that this could happen again! That is by far my biggest fear and Cory's too. I don't know that we could get through something like this again. It would be 38 weeks of misery. I'd be a total wreck! I don't think I can handle that emotionally yet...I think that is pretty obvious. It is hard to make all the right choices when your emotion go back and forth every day. One day I can be fine with something and the next I am crying and questioning! What a roller coaster!!

I have been reading a couple of books I got from a friend on Saturday. I am almost done with one already. It is a collection of stories of people who have died and their families and their encounters with life after death. It has been comforting. There are no stories about infants or young children, but it is still comforting. I think that is one of my hang ups with wondering what Beck is doing in heaven. I think that him being an infant, or any child for that matter, you wonder how they can take that journey to heaven alone. I can't write on this anymore...too emotional for me yet. I'll get there. I am confident about that.

Just another note, I get a little anxious that people will judge me on what I write. I would guess that some would think my faith is not strong. That is not the case at all. I believe more than ever in God and heaven. My sense of awareness is heightened. What I wonder the most about is what goes on in heaven. I just want to be a part of my child's life, that is all. I just want to know what he is doing, who he is with, and when we meet him again will he know us. Those are the answers I am searching for. I will probably never know them. In time I will have to come up with my own version that is comforting.

I better play with the kids...lots of playing today, including a 15 minute trek to the backyard on a rescue mission to shovel the trampoline which is filled with about 20 inches of snow. Not sure if the tramp will ever be the same:)

The holiday business is all over! I told my mom I did not want to go home because I new I'd have a meltdown. It is sometimes hard to be with so many people because you really do not have any alone time...maybe that is good.

We visited Cory's aunts house in Fergus Falls on Christmas Eve...then we drove on to Watkins to my parents house. We had good traveling weather, which I am thankful for. I hate bad weather! On the drive the kids were watching a movie with headphones on, so it was quiet. That is a nice change. It was pitch black outside and the stars were shining bright. It was a pretty drive. When you sit in a quiet car and it is dark outside...a person has time to think. And think, I did. Cory and I both were thinking about Beckett to ourselves. I looked at him and said, "Are you thinking about him?" He said yes..."Where do you think he would sitting in this car?" I said in Grace's spot and Holden wanted to sit in the back seat kitty corner to the baby so he could keep an eye on him/her. I think that started the tears for both of us. We quietly cried alone, but together. It was a tender moment. We did not have to share words to know what each other were thinking. We wished our baby boy to be with us. We wished to show him off to family. We wished to have all our children with us on Christmas. Really, that is everyday...but on Christmas when you gather with all your family and friends, you really feel that missing part. We took a picture of all the grand kids in front of the Christmas tree, but there was no Beckett. That really hurts. It really pisses you off.

On Friday a couple of my aunts and my g'ma and g'pa came out for a visit and breakfast. It was great to see them...it is really hard to see people for the first time, even if it does not show. You just don't know where your emotions will take you and it is scary. I am just so vulnerable right now.

On Saturday, my sisters and mom and I went to Litchfield for coffee. It was the first time I have had french pressed coffee and I loved it. I had 3 cups! I paid for that later...I got the shakes and my whole body was buzzing! I will remember that next time! We had a good time together though. Later on I got a visit from a friend of my moms...she gave me some really nice things! It is hard to be a gracious receiver sometimes, but I am learning. THANK YOU! Really, she did too much but I am telling myself...no one is doing it because they feel they have to, but they want to. She also wrote me a great letter, that made me cry~I am happy to have it. Thanks for the visit.

There were only a few other moments of tears. Having so many people around, there was not much time and I got caught up in the moment. There were definitely times I wanted to throw something and just have a break down...but who wants to ruin all the fun?!:) Sherri asked for a moment of silence to remember Beckett...mom made some special ornaments this year in remembrance of Beck. That is what started the moment. I could not look at anyone, I could just look at the floor. We are all hurting and all missing him.

To end the weekend though we met up with some friends that I grew up with. Cory was very sweet and drove the group. It was great to see everyone and laugh. I truly had some good laughs...I have not really laughed like that in a long time. THANK YOU to all of you, too. I needed that.

Well, I am in the midst of making a donation pile in the basement! Too many things! The kids have their cousins over today, so I am able to slip things into boxes without them knowing! They have issues with letting go of things! I need to keep my roll going...

It is 11 degrees and it feels like spring! We had a few last minute items to buy. On our way home, the kids were talking about all the people that we get to see. They were so excited. They were discussing the babies that would be there like Charlie and Julia (not exactly babies, but oh well). I said how much I wished our baby would be with us this Christmas. It is the most frustrating thing...wanting someone so bad, but you know you will have to wait a lifetime. Gracie said "He will be with us mommy, he will follow us to Grandma and Grandpa's-just like the sun!" and again she reminded me that he lives in our hearts. So smart for 3 (but she can't poop in the potty!). I am trying really hard to not think of Beckett as gone, but just living in another place. Especially now, I feel the anger and unfairness of all of this.

Dear little Beckett,

How are you sweetie? Mommy misses you so much. I wait for moments that I may feel you next to me. I am pretty sure I have felt you 3 times in the last month. I wonder if you watch with amazement at all this Christmas stuff. Watch your brother and sisters excitement over everything. You know, there is only one gift that could fill my heart this Christmas and that is you in our arms. I know we would all give up everything for that! We did receive a great gift though, it just came a little early. It was the day we officially met you and named you. I was so sad but so proud and honored to be your mom...it just hurt so bad to have to say goodbye to your face. Oh baby boy, how heavy my heart is...but it is so heavy because I love you so much. Being so sad all the time is just a testament to how much you mean to me (to us). I hope you enjoy the birthday party with Jesus. I will be thinking of you! I love you little buddy.

Love, Mommy

We wish everyone a Merry Christmas and hope you enjoy all your families and friends. I will not write until we return on Sunday. We are headed to Watkins so not so much access to Internet without taking an hour to load a page!

Lots of action today at the Klinnert house. Holden and Grace's cousins came over to spend the day with us. Interesting morning...we had Christmas with g'ma and g'pa S. last night so there were lots of new toys to play with. In the first hour alone we opened and tried...Barbie head styling thing, bionicle, remote care, swimming puppy, a couple of meltdowns over Pixos, Lego ship, blendy pens, Easy Bake oven, footballs, and bionicle big thing...a little spoiled by grandparents they are. So I spent a lot of time wrestling with the packages, muttering naughty words in my head and breaking a few hearts because we didn't have the right batteries or light bulbs. It is all in good fun, though a bit disorderly! We have officially entered the "tattletale" stage!

I have been thinking a lot about Beckett a lot the last few days. I just miss him so much. I am thinking of his cute little face...I am thinking about what he might look like...I think about how much I wish he was here for Christmas. I picture him a lot in my arms making those little baby sounds. If I allow myself to really think about all that has happened in the last couple of months, I can really stir myself up. I have been allowing myself to really focus on him a couple of times a day...It does not mean the pain has gone away, but it means it is getting easier to get through the days. A part of me hates it, I hate what time does. You don't forget, but it does not occupy your mind 24 hours a day. I hate that because I feel guilty. I feel like I am not being fair to him. It is a struggle to keep a balance and feel good about it.

I told Cory that I keep thinking I should get a tattoo. I have never, ever wanted a tattoo. All of a sudden it feels like it is something I should do. When I told Cory this, he said he has similar feelings. I am not sure I could actually follow through with it, though. I just find myself continuously looking for new ways to memorialize Beckett. Maybe it is because there was so very little time with him, I am trying to do everything possible to make sure his memory does not leave. I want to keep it as vibrant as possible. Do you think Cory would splurge on a trip to L.A. to get a tattoo at L.A. Ink?

It takes a 3 year old...

This morning I had one kid in each arm as we laid in bed cuddling before getting Holden off to school. We talked about where the baby would fit in the bed...they each had their own opinion! As I was laying there I thought out loud..."and Beckett should be laying on mommy's tummy". Gracie said "He is here mom, we just can not see him, it is like magical...he lives in our hearts." Wow, she is only three...but said it like it is and make me feel it.

She also wanted to read the book We Were Going to have a Baby but We Had an Angel Instead, like 3 times! I asked her if the book made her sad. She said, "No, Beckett lives in our heart." I wish I had that mentality. Everything so simple. We giggled about how Beckett used to kick them when they spoke to him. I didn't even cry when we talked about it!

The funny thing about "Beckett will always live in your heart" is that a very dear friend, who has stepped into my life and really picked me up at times...gave me a beautiful bookmark with that inscription last night. Let's just say it was the first and only little blue box I will probably ever open! She said, "Don't get too excited" I did not figure it was a necklace or earrings, but it was more meaningful than that. The thoughtfulness and beauty of it was better than that.

One cute little story about Holden before I go...he got little notes from all his classmates today and a few plus girls said "you are handsome". He was blushing and so giggly about it! So cute!

Well, I have a Bunco Christmas party tonight, boys too. It can get a little late and a little crazy sometimes too. I am going to really try and have a few cocktails and enjoys myself!

Sherri is out of surgery...sitting in recovery. I guess it all went well. The challenge is in front of her though. We will take good care of her at Christmas, she may have to drink wine out of a straw..but it will make for good pictures. We discussed bedazzling her neck brace...make it 'fancy'. I wish there was so much more that I could do to help, she really took care of us well when Beckett died~still does.

Well we have made a bittersweet decision to just spend Christmas day with my mom and dad-at their house. Every year Santa comes to my parents house, I am so glad that we can do that. It is a very special morning for all of us. I think mom and dad enjoy watching the kids open all their presents. Holden used to get so excited about underwear. I think nowadays he'd be a little embarrassed! He has become 'modest'. It all started when Ella freaked out because she saw his butt. Ever since then, he has been sensitive about the issue!

Back to my original thought...also every year we go to my grandma and grandpa's for lunch and chit chat. However, I just don't have it in me to make an appearance. I have not seen anyone since a week before Beckett died. I have not hugged anyone or cried with anyone yet. The holidays have been so hard on me, on us already. I just can't walk in to their house...with a smile on my face and greet everyone at once. It is just too overwhelming. It is so hard to face people you have not seen, people that you care about. I get physically sick. I just want to be present for my kids that day. I want to try and share in their joy. I know that if I go to their house I will be a mess. What I am doing, is taking care of me. I need to do what I know is best for my family and I at this time in our lives. I know it is really not that big of a deal...but I have been going there for 32 years! I know everyone will understand. If there are people who want to visit with us, you are welcome to stop out at mom and dad's. We might even venture to town after Christmas. We are staying until Sunday.

Well, i am being summoned to come and watch Muppet Christmas with Grace...I better take this opportunity to snuggle when she is asking. It does not happen too often!

Just a few tears shed today...whew! I was wondering if my 6 days of severe sadness would end soon. Glad to know it does here and there.

Grace had her first Christmas program today. She experienced a little stage fright in the beginning, but after her "special" part in the program she started to sing and do some motions. She looked very cute and was very proud of herself. We video taped it for Grandma and Grandpa Oster. The program was filled with nose picking and fidgety preschoolers. It is so funny to watch.

Our family journey through this has been so interesting. I have to say we have come a long way! We are still on the roller coaster with ups and downs. We hits some bad emotional bumps some days, sometimes everyday. So far, through all of the devastation and pain, we are so much closer than we ever were. I am convinced we would not be where we are today without all the great people in our lives. I'd have run away, but I have something to prove. Prove that Beckett wasn't just a stillborn child, but a person who fulfilled a purpose in his short life. I need to prove to my kids that when life gets tough, you have to get tougher. When you get thrown the worst curve ball you could ever imagine, you survive. You'll come out of it learning new things and you need to take that and put it to good use. I have not figured out yet what I need to do with this new information...but I will figure it out someday.

Good luck tomorrow Sherri, you know I will be praying and thinking of you. I pray that this works and I pray for your healing.

Well the days our kids were so excited for finally arrived...my birthday. I love how they get so excited for it. They can't wait for me to open my presents they picked out special. Grace said she wanted to give me a hint about the present she got for me. She said, "It is princessey and it is a head band!" Well, she gave more than a 'hint' away. I is so proud of my Cinderella plastic head band. She thought it would be nice if we could share it. I'd love to share it with her.

Holden picked me out some hockey socks. They are socks to keep my feet warm when I go to watch him...he is always a very thoughtful gift giver. They veered off the norm this year. Usually I can count on a calendar, pens, and peanut m&m's.

Despite all the super gifts the kids gave me, there is only one gift I really want. I want Beckett all wrapped up cozy in my arms, giving me little smiles. I am going to work real hard to day to be thankful for what I do have. A loving, kind husband...2 beautiful, entertaining kids...a child with a pure soul watching over us...a family who loves us...friends who do too.

I think I might go crazy, though. Being cooped up in the house is okay for one day for me, but 2 might be too much. It is so cold here!

Please keep my sister Sherri in your prayers this week. She is prepping for major surgery on Wednesday to repair her bulging disks in her neck. She is scared and in a lot of pain. I will be praying that the surgery works and heals her. She has lived with this CRAZY pain for too long. I feel awful that I can not be there to help help her and the family out. I'll just have to help take care of them at Christmas time!

Well, the party is over and now I can be bored on a Saturday and Sunday for that matter. The house is all clean, my Christmas shopping is done...The party went good. We had a little question games that we played to keep the conversation flowing. I was screening the questions first. I was very surprised about how many questions can come back to my experience and our little angel. It is so ALL consuming. It changes you so profoundly. It changes your whole outlook on life and perspectives. How I would answer questions now is not how I'd answer them before. However, sharing those "new perspectives" is not socially appropriate in certain situations so you feel a little removed from everyone~or at least people who have never experienced it. It is like a secret society, without all the fun things that can go on with that.

The kids decorated a little Christmas tree for Beckett, we are going to bring it to his grave. I really do not like going there when it is cold and snowy. To be perfectly honest, it is really hard for me to think of him there. I sometimes wonder if we should have had him cremated to be with us, in a warm house. I know that is silly, it is just the shell that lies there, but he is my baby...I feel like he belongs with us. I just don't feel like I can ever get close enough to him. It sucks so frickin bad. You always want your children close. People always say he is in your heart, he'll always be with you...but they can never understand how desperately you yearn to feel them physically. Spiritually, just does not feel good enough right now.

Yesterday morning, my struggle with emotions faded a bit. Thankfully though, I could not keep that up. As I was checking my e-mails, I felt a sensation on my right cheek~actually I am feeling it right now. Beckett's picture sits to the right of me. It was my right cheek that I nuzzled him with. It feel like someone put some minty lotion on my face and I am feeling a very faint breeze. I think it is Beckett. I truly do. I think he is wiping my tears. It is a sensation and a internal feeling that I can not do justice to explain. It feels like a really sad peace. I don't want it to go away but it does. Boy it would break my heart if I realized we have a draft in our computer room...or I have some disease that makes your face tingle:)

The last 24 hours have been difficult. Off and on of course, but last night was one of my worst nights in a while. I was looking out of our bedroom window, just sobbing, crying to Beckett. I was looking for something to shoot across the sky or an animal to come running through the yard to look at me and branch to mysteriously start moving. I was looking for something to calm the storm. I did not see it. I wanted to call someone, but I really could not talk. Eventually though, I ran out of steam. My eyes were killing me. I was alone almost all day with Grace...which probably did not help the situation. Not being able to talk to an adult all day sometimes drives you nuts. I am not nuts...well not all the time. Cuddling up with Grace and having her fall asleep in my arms while I sang (totally off tune) a lullaby~calmed me down. She is so sweet when she is falling asleep, she rubs my arms or my face. (I'd cuddle Holden too but he was not home until well after his bedtime last night-boys and their basketball~I just want to be fair.)

I spoke to a dear friend of mine today who I have not spoken with since before Beckett was born. Hi, friend! I know you read this. I had felt really bad for not talking to her yet. Part of it was avoidance and part was I missed her calls (imagine that!). She had a little boy in August (gee, I hope that is rights-or late July). He is adorable! We were pregnant at the same time and I thought our little ones would play together. I was so excited, and still am, that she has a healthy little boy. She had her own experiences with loss. When this all happened with me I was struggling with talking with her. I didn't want her to not be able to share her joy, but I know her too well-she'd be modest-for sensitivity sake. So today I felt we really needed to talk and we did. I am glad I finally had spoken with her besides e-mail. I felt better after I did, it was something I knew I needed to do, but had to really work of the courage to do so. I am glad we talked, even if I was awkward.

On a brighter note, thank you for all the Christmas cards. I know we get them every year but they put a smile on my face. And...I got almost all of my Christmas shopping done...And, HALLELUJAH!!!I found a pair of jeans that fit! We were all talking about my birthday at supper Tuesday night and I asked Grace what she thought I wanted for my birthday...she said pants:) I think they do not pay attention, but they do. Grace also wants to get me a Tinker Bell cake. I should probably stick to rice cakes! I need to stay on my roll. I might put on a roll though, I made these yummy little treats for Friday night. Holden cried because it wasn't fair they only got one because they were so good. Somewhere along the line Mandie introduced them to me. We will call them "Dirty Snowballs".

1 package of Oreo cookies (regular)
1 package of cream cheese
White almond bark

In food processor, grind the cookies until they are crumbs. Then add the cream cheese. Make sure it is mixed well. Then I rolled the mixture into about 1 inch balls and placed on a cookie sheet covered with wax paper. I then put a toothpick in each one and put into the freezer for about 30 minutes. I melted the almond bark and then I took the balls directly from the freezer and dipped them in the white almond bark. Place onto another cookie sheet covered in wax paper. After they are hardened, enjoy or chill in the refrigerator until ready to serve. Yummy! If you do not freeze the mixture first you will really have dirty snowballs. This I learned!

So that was a long entry. I am out!

Today I am getting the house ready to host Cory's company Christmas party. Why am I? I really don't know. I guess it is the chance to focus on something, have a purpose. While cleaning, I realized that Beckett's blanket was laying on the floor next to my bed. I had not even realized I had not slept with it for 2 nights. I thought maybe it was time to put it in his little box. I did that with tears. My heart so sad today.

Grace dressed up like Mary and brought me her little baby Jesus. She said hold the baby mommy, hold the baby. Why would holding a stuffed baby cause a stir?

I received in the mail a baby diaper, coupons for formula, and a letter from the funeral home with a picture of a glass, engraved angel, tree ornament made for Beckett~with his birth and death date. What a nice thing for them to do. All of that together though really sucks. I just can't even explain the pain it brings, this is one of those times I can't control my thoughts. I just spoke to my mom yesterday about how I felt I could control my thoughts, in turn less crying at the thought of Beckett.

As I was checking my e-mails, and thanks for the suggestions, I wrote to my aunt that I want a glimpse into his life. Somehow writing that down today is painful. It really sucks not to know what he is doing, who he is with, who is holding him, if he is watching us, if he loves us...I know I have written this all before, but I still do not know. I know nothing for certain and that is so very, very painful. I keep trying to remember him coming to me that night and telling me he is okay, he was happy. Deep down I know that. The pain comes in trying to accept it. I have to accept being separated from him. Sometimes I think that if God sees me hurting so much he will send him back to me. I know that won't happen, it can't happen. His will is done. i just need to start praying for acceptance.

I was shopping at Barnes and Noble today...looking for a book about heaven or experiences of heaven. It is a little hard to do when you are just looking at titles. If anyone knows of a good book that may fit along these lines...if you could share that with me that would be great. It can't be bland though...it needs to be an easy read. I have not been able to do much reading other than magazines.

Grace and I decided to wrap up all the Christmas presents this afternoon. She started with lots of enthusiasm and then lost interest. She started tryign to use the wrapping paper as a sword, tryign to get the scissors to destroy more things, and then got a hold of the Sharpie. I think she heard too many "No, Grace." She left the room and I thought she was going to play on the computer. That was a silly thing to assume. She was as quiet as I mouse...I peeked around the corner and she had taken, not 1, but 2 rolls of painters tape and taped the kitchen chair!!! She did a beautiful job. She even decorated it with writing. Thankfully, all her drawings stayed on the tape. I congratulated her on her beautiful job "wrapping" the chair. She was so proud, I could not be mad.

I am starting to feel like I am playing favorites as Grace makes the pages of the blog more than Holden, but I am with her all day.

I heard a news story today about a baby that got "dropped off" at a hospital. I just don't understand when I hear of those things. We were ready, willing and able to care for our little guy and are heartbroken that we do not get that chance. Then there are poor little babies out there without a home. It breaks my heart. Sometimes I don't understand. Sure there are many circumstances that may lead a person to leave their baby, but in the end...that baby does not have a home. It is hard to listen to those stories and not feel angry or hurt. Why us?

Busy day...like most people this time of year. The forced busyness (is that a word) is a good distraction for me. I got some stitches out today. Grace had to come with me. When the nurse told me to put on a gown Grace stood in the corner and said she'd wait so she wouldn't see me naked. What a gal, giving me a little privacy! She giggled and tried to help me tie the gown so you "couldn't see my bum bum." Appointments are so much more fun with little ones. No wonder why my leg hurt, I had a pretty good sized incision there. I couldn't see it because it was covered with tape. I feel really good about having this part over. The veins were just a reminder of the pregnancy and part of my fear if we decide on a 4th child. Hopefully, that should be behind me. It sounds really stupid, but it seems like a hill climbed.

We visited with the counselor today, together as a family. Not really productive with the children. Holden really wanted to go. He was a little shy and would only answer questions and no more. Grace was just coloring in a book and then was violently smashing 2 of the ladies stuffed animals together. Maybe she needs her "own" counseling session!

Last night I did not sleep very well. Grace puked in the middle of the night so she came to bed with us. It wasn't until about 3am that I felt safe nodding off. The death of Beckett has really heightened my already anxious mind about the safety of our kids. I was watching her sleep peacefully, in between coughing fits, she looked just like Beckett. I clearly saw his little face in hers. What a joy! I have seen it before but it seemed to be magnified 100 times. What a gift...to see him in them.

We donated a few of Beckett's new items today to the Salvation army. Hopefully, another little boy will get to use his things. It was hard to pick out what to give, it felt like I was letting some things go...accepting the reality of it...I know I would not have been able to do that a few weeks ago. So, I guess there is progress being made. I think I am moving into more of an acceptance and although I want to fight it some days and some days I change my mind (no it is not okay!), I can feel it coming. It doesn't take the hurt away, it does not come with answers, it just is.

We got a card in the mail from my aunt last night, with money to purchase a tree in honor of Beckett. It was a gift from some aunts and uncles as well as cousins...THANK YOU! You really don't know what it means to us. I wish I could put it into words. For all of you to reach out and help us start our garden for Beckett is so wonderful. It will be a reminder to us of all our support. I have a vision in my head of what I want it to be. I will surely take photographs and share them when it is complete.

Cory and I went out and did a little Christmas shopping together this year...that rarely happens! I think he was a little shocked at how many stops I requested to make. What we got done in 2 hours would have been easily 4-6 hours with kids present.

We both feel that Christmas just isn't as bright this year. The songs don't sound as good. The lights don't shine as bright. Nothing is as exciting as it used to be. There are a lot of painful reminders that we are missing someone very special this year.

We talked about how showing up at Grandma and Grandpa Schneider's will be especially hard. I know my family reads this, so please take no offense. It is not personal. I have not seen anyone since a week before I had Beckett. Walking in the house and facing everyone (like 60 people:)might just be too overwhelming a task for us. We will have to see what that day brings and how to handle it. I don't want my kids to see me crying on Christmas and taking the fun and excitement of the day. I know I am thinking way ahead, but it seems to be coming so fast. Life is moving so fast these days. I can't believe it was 2 months ago today. This is about the exact time we were trying to understand the devastating news.

I am not going to go there, though. It is utterly too painful to think about...to go there again. I know there is healing with time. The pain is still ever present and I can cry at any moment, but I can also somewhat control my thoughts...whereas before, it did not even seem like a choice.

We are approaching 2 months since we met our baby boy. I can't believe it has been that long ago. I can't believe it has been that long since I held him and snuggled his little face. What I wouldn't give to be able to hold him once more. His blanket just does not cut it. I pick up the little outfit he was dressed in and I guess I hope I can feel him...but I can't. That is what I hate about time...it takes those precious moments. Those moments I will dream of forever but not be able to quite capture.

I was at the hockey rink last night. There was a mother with her little guy who was about 6 months old. I was thinking to myself...wow...this is getting easier. I can see a little boy and not start to cry and my chest tightening. Then the little babe started saying "mama, mama". That really hurt, hit me right to my core...I will never hear that from Beckett. I'll never get to see his little grin. Oh, how that makes my heart ache.

I had a great visit with another mother today with a very similar situation...both little boys (cute as could be, I might add). Thank God, for allowing me the opportunity to meet her. I hate that she is in the same position, but she is. I just know she understands me. It is comforting to know, there is someone who knows. Someone who is going through similar feelings right now. I feel validated and not so crazy...I feel real. A mom who cherishes her children and loves them to the depths of her soul~no matter where they are.

Well, I should really cuddle up with my little girl and watch the Grinch as she wants to do nearly every night! Good night...thank you for the continued prayers.

I'll start out with a little story my mom could appreciate. Everyone always says how much Grace's personality is like mine. Well, she pulled a younger "me" this morning. She was "getting ready" for us to run an errand today. I went downstairs to get the car warmed up and pick up the kitchen a little bit. Grace came down as proud as could be with 6 bandaids down one leg. They were perfectly aligned and went from knee to ankle. I was not aware of any accident that required a bandaid. She looked so funny. I asked her how many bandaids she had used. She said, "I don't know mom, should we count them?" I remember when I was little and I had a drop of blood on my leg the size of a pinhead. I had put bandaids neatly on my leg from my knee to my ankle. Mom was so upset and banned me from any use of a bandaids. Funny...the things you remember from childhood.

I find myself, these last few days, not as angry. I am just still really sad. I look at his pictures and all the sadness just resurfaces again and again. I don't want to take them down. What I want is to be able to look at them and smile without tears running down my face. I guess it is just still to early to expect that.

My dearest Beckett,
Hey little buddy. Mommy is thinking about you a lot today. I think about if you are comfortable in your new home. I think about who is holding you and guiding you in heaven. I look for signs that you are okay everywhere...I just don't know what our sign would be. Grandpa Dave made us a little ladybug on a stick that we can put by your grave site so that we can know where you are in the winter, since we can't bring ourselves to pick out something permanent. It is really cute. We asked for that because when we came to the grave site to say goodbye to you that day...mommy thought I was literally going to die too from a broken heart...Grace brought me to laugh when she yelled out "A legobug a legobug, Holden look" she chased that little ladybug that day as we stood by your little coffin not knowing how we were going to go on. That moment made us laugh when we didn't possibly think we could continue on without you. There are a lot of moments like that...that your big brother and sister step in and make us laugh and challenge us to do things we are not sure we can do. Anyway...that is why there will be a ladybug there. I really hope above all things that you can feel my love for you, that you know of us in heaven, and that you can feel all the thoughts I send your way. I'll never forget you my little angel baby. Someday I will get to hold you again. Love, Mommy

Well my surgery is over! I only had to tell people our baby died 2 times! Can't they just flag your name somehow? The anesthesiologist was like, "So you have a month and a half old baby at home?" No, actually he died. Anyway, she suggested I take something to calm my nerves as she felt I was probably a little anxious being at the hospital. That was nice. They wheeled me into the OR and I saw the big stirrup, obviously meant for me, and I started to get panicky. However, the lovely lady administered something that put me to sleep (or at least I think it did) before they actually knocked me out. I liked it much better that way. So, the surgery went well and quicker than they thought. I am pretty sore and I was shocked at how much gauze one could pack in...but all is well and I am resting. I really like the Hydrocodone...it makes me feel so light in the head. A nice break from all the heaviness that usually is there.

I am really emotionally drained from the holiday and the surgery that I don't feel like I can put any thoughts into words today. I wanted to let people know that the surgery went well and I should have a good recovery if everything keeps going as it is. So if there is a next time for us to have a baby...I should be good to go in the vein category. No need to cart me around on the golf course girls! I'll be walking:)