Busy day...like most people this time of year. The forced busyness (is that a word) is a good distraction for me. I got some stitches out today. Grace had to come with me. When the nurse told me to put on a gown Grace stood in the corner and said she'd wait so she wouldn't see me naked. What a gal, giving me a little privacy! She giggled and tried to help me tie the gown so you "couldn't see my bum bum." Appointments are so much more fun with little ones. No wonder why my leg hurt, I had a pretty good sized incision there. I couldn't see it because it was covered with tape. I feel really good about having this part over. The veins were just a reminder of the pregnancy and part of my fear if we decide on a 4th child. Hopefully, that should be behind me. It sounds really stupid, but it seems like a hill climbed.

We visited with the counselor today, together as a family. Not really productive with the children. Holden really wanted to go. He was a little shy and would only answer questions and no more. Grace was just coloring in a book and then was violently smashing 2 of the ladies stuffed animals together. Maybe she needs her "own" counseling session!

Last night I did not sleep very well. Grace puked in the middle of the night so she came to bed with us. It wasn't until about 3am that I felt safe nodding off. The death of Beckett has really heightened my already anxious mind about the safety of our kids. I was watching her sleep peacefully, in between coughing fits, she looked just like Beckett. I clearly saw his little face in hers. What a joy! I have seen it before but it seemed to be magnified 100 times. What a gift...to see him in them.

We donated a few of Beckett's new items today to the Salvation army. Hopefully, another little boy will get to use his things. It was hard to pick out what to give, it felt like I was letting some things go...accepting the reality of it...I know I would not have been able to do that a few weeks ago. So, I guess there is progress being made. I think I am moving into more of an acceptance and although I want to fight it some days and some days I change my mind (no it is not okay!), I can feel it coming. It doesn't take the hurt away, it does not come with answers, it just is.