I'll start out with a little story my mom could appreciate. Everyone always says how much Grace's personality is like mine. Well, she pulled a younger "me" this morning. She was "getting ready" for us to run an errand today. I went downstairs to get the car warmed up and pick up the kitchen a little bit. Grace came down as proud as could be with 6 bandaids down one leg. They were perfectly aligned and went from knee to ankle. I was not aware of any accident that required a bandaid. She looked so funny. I asked her how many bandaids she had used. She said, "I don't know mom, should we count them?" I remember when I was little and I had a drop of blood on my leg the size of a pinhead. I had put bandaids neatly on my leg from my knee to my ankle. Mom was so upset and banned me from any use of a bandaids. Funny...the things you remember from childhood.

I find myself, these last few days, not as angry. I am just still really sad. I look at his pictures and all the sadness just resurfaces again and again. I don't want to take them down. What I want is to be able to look at them and smile without tears running down my face. I guess it is just still to early to expect that.

My dearest Beckett,
Hey little buddy. Mommy is thinking about you a lot today. I think about if you are comfortable in your new home. I think about who is holding you and guiding you in heaven. I look for signs that you are okay everywhere...I just don't know what our sign would be. Grandpa Dave made us a little ladybug on a stick that we can put by your grave site so that we can know where you are in the winter, since we can't bring ourselves to pick out something permanent. It is really cute. We asked for that because when we came to the grave site to say goodbye to you that day...mommy thought I was literally going to die too from a broken heart...Grace brought me to laugh when she yelled out "A legobug a legobug, Holden look" she chased that little ladybug that day as we stood by your little coffin not knowing how we were going to go on. That moment made us laugh when we didn't possibly think we could continue on without you. There are a lot of moments like that...that your big brother and sister step in and make us laugh and challenge us to do things we are not sure we can do. Anyway...that is why there will be a ladybug there. I really hope above all things that you can feel my love for you, that you know of us in heaven, and that you can feel all the thoughts I send your way. I'll never forget you my little angel baby. Someday I will get to hold you again. Love, Mommy