The last 24 hours have been difficult. Off and on of course, but last night was one of my worst nights in a while. I was looking out of our bedroom window, just sobbing, crying to Beckett. I was looking for something to shoot across the sky or an animal to come running through the yard to look at me and branch to mysteriously start moving. I was looking for something to calm the storm. I did not see it. I wanted to call someone, but I really could not talk. Eventually though, I ran out of steam. My eyes were killing me. I was alone almost all day with Grace...which probably did not help the situation. Not being able to talk to an adult all day sometimes drives you nuts. I am not nuts...well not all the time. Cuddling up with Grace and having her fall asleep in my arms while I sang (totally off tune) a lullaby~calmed me down. She is so sweet when she is falling asleep, she rubs my arms or my face. (I'd cuddle Holden too but he was not home until well after his bedtime last night-boys and their basketball~I just want to be fair.)

I spoke to a dear friend of mine today who I have not spoken with since before Beckett was born. Hi, friend! I know you read this. I had felt really bad for not talking to her yet. Part of it was avoidance and part was I missed her calls (imagine that!). She had a little boy in August (gee, I hope that is rights-or late July). He is adorable! We were pregnant at the same time and I thought our little ones would play together. I was so excited, and still am, that she has a healthy little boy. She had her own experiences with loss. When this all happened with me I was struggling with talking with her. I didn't want her to not be able to share her joy, but I know her too well-she'd be modest-for sensitivity sake. So today I felt we really needed to talk and we did. I am glad I finally had spoken with her besides e-mail. I felt better after I did, it was something I knew I needed to do, but had to really work of the courage to do so. I am glad we talked, even if I was awkward.

On a brighter note, thank you for all the Christmas cards. I know we get them every year but they put a smile on my face. And...I got almost all of my Christmas shopping done...And, HALLELUJAH!!!I found a pair of jeans that fit! We were all talking about my birthday at supper Tuesday night and I asked Grace what she thought I wanted for my birthday...she said pants:) I think they do not pay attention, but they do. Grace also wants to get me a Tinker Bell cake. I should probably stick to rice cakes! I need to stay on my roll. I might put on a roll though, I made these yummy little treats for Friday night. Holden cried because it wasn't fair they only got one because they were so good. Somewhere along the line Mandie introduced them to me. We will call them "Dirty Snowballs".

1 package of Oreo cookies (regular)
1 package of cream cheese
White almond bark

In food processor, grind the cookies until they are crumbs. Then add the cream cheese. Make sure it is mixed well. Then I rolled the mixture into about 1 inch balls and placed on a cookie sheet covered with wax paper. I then put a toothpick in each one and put into the freezer for about 30 minutes. I melted the almond bark and then I took the balls directly from the freezer and dipped them in the white almond bark. Place onto another cookie sheet covered in wax paper. After they are hardened, enjoy or chill in the refrigerator until ready to serve. Yummy! If you do not freeze the mixture first you will really have dirty snowballs. This I learned!

So that was a long entry. I am out!