Today I am getting the house ready to host Cory's company Christmas party. Why am I? I really don't know. I guess it is the chance to focus on something, have a purpose. While cleaning, I realized that Beckett's blanket was laying on the floor next to my bed. I had not even realized I had not slept with it for 2 nights. I thought maybe it was time to put it in his little box. I did that with tears. My heart so sad today.

Grace dressed up like Mary and brought me her little baby Jesus. She said hold the baby mommy, hold the baby. Why would holding a stuffed baby cause a stir?

I received in the mail a baby diaper, coupons for formula, and a letter from the funeral home with a picture of a glass, engraved angel, tree ornament made for Beckett~with his birth and death date. What a nice thing for them to do. All of that together though really sucks. I just can't even explain the pain it brings, this is one of those times I can't control my thoughts. I just spoke to my mom yesterday about how I felt I could control my thoughts, in turn less crying at the thought of Beckett.

As I was checking my e-mails, and thanks for the suggestions, I wrote to my aunt that I want a glimpse into his life. Somehow writing that down today is painful. It really sucks not to know what he is doing, who he is with, who is holding him, if he is watching us, if he loves us...I know I have written this all before, but I still do not know. I know nothing for certain and that is so very, very painful. I keep trying to remember him coming to me that night and telling me he is okay, he was happy. Deep down I know that. The pain comes in trying to accept it. I have to accept being separated from him. Sometimes I think that if God sees me hurting so much he will send him back to me. I know that won't happen, it can't happen. His will is done. i just need to start praying for acceptance.