Well, the party is over and now I can be bored on a Saturday and Sunday for that matter. The house is all clean, my Christmas shopping is done...The party went good. We had a little question games that we played to keep the conversation flowing. I was screening the questions first. I was very surprised about how many questions can come back to my experience and our little angel. It is so ALL consuming. It changes you so profoundly. It changes your whole outlook on life and perspectives. How I would answer questions now is not how I'd answer them before. However, sharing those "new perspectives" is not socially appropriate in certain situations so you feel a little removed from everyone~or at least people who have never experienced it. It is like a secret society, without all the fun things that can go on with that.

The kids decorated a little Christmas tree for Beckett, we are going to bring it to his grave. I really do not like going there when it is cold and snowy. To be perfectly honest, it is really hard for me to think of him there. I sometimes wonder if we should have had him cremated to be with us, in a warm house. I know that is silly, it is just the shell that lies there, but he is my baby...I feel like he belongs with us. I just don't feel like I can ever get close enough to him. It sucks so frickin bad. You always want your children close. People always say he is in your heart, he'll always be with you...but they can never understand how desperately you yearn to feel them physically. Spiritually, just does not feel good enough right now.

Yesterday morning, my struggle with emotions faded a bit. Thankfully though, I could not keep that up. As I was checking my e-mails, I felt a sensation on my right cheek~actually I am feeling it right now. Beckett's picture sits to the right of me. It was my right cheek that I nuzzled him with. It feel like someone put some minty lotion on my face and I am feeling a very faint breeze. I think it is Beckett. I truly do. I think he is wiping my tears. It is a sensation and a internal feeling that I can not do justice to explain. It feels like a really sad peace. I don't want it to go away but it does. Boy it would break my heart if I realized we have a draft in our computer room...or I have some disease that makes your face tingle:)