We got a card in the mail from my aunt last night, with money to purchase a tree in honor of Beckett. It was a gift from some aunts and uncles as well as cousins...THANK YOU! You really don't know what it means to us. I wish I could put it into words. For all of you to reach out and help us start our garden for Beckett is so wonderful. It will be a reminder to us of all our support. I have a vision in my head of what I want it to be. I will surely take photographs and share them when it is complete.

Cory and I went out and did a little Christmas shopping together this year...that rarely happens! I think he was a little shocked at how many stops I requested to make. What we got done in 2 hours would have been easily 4-6 hours with kids present.

We both feel that Christmas just isn't as bright this year. The songs don't sound as good. The lights don't shine as bright. Nothing is as exciting as it used to be. There are a lot of painful reminders that we are missing someone very special this year.

We talked about how showing up at Grandma and Grandpa Schneider's will be especially hard. I know my family reads this, so please take no offense. It is not personal. I have not seen anyone since a week before I had Beckett. Walking in the house and facing everyone (like 60 people:)might just be too overwhelming a task for us. We will have to see what that day brings and how to handle it. I don't want my kids to see me crying on Christmas and taking the fun and excitement of the day. I know I am thinking way ahead, but it seems to be coming so fast. Life is moving so fast these days. I can't believe it was 2 months ago today. This is about the exact time we were trying to understand the devastating news.

I am not going to go there, though. It is utterly too painful to think about...to go there again. I know there is healing with time. The pain is still ever present and I can cry at any moment, but I can also somewhat control my thoughts...whereas before, it did not even seem like a choice.