The holiday business is all over! I told my mom I did not want to go home because I new I'd have a meltdown. It is sometimes hard to be with so many people because you really do not have any alone time...maybe that is good.

We visited Cory's aunts house in Fergus Falls on Christmas Eve...then we drove on to Watkins to my parents house. We had good traveling weather, which I am thankful for. I hate bad weather! On the drive the kids were watching a movie with headphones on, so it was quiet. That is a nice change. It was pitch black outside and the stars were shining bright. It was a pretty drive. When you sit in a quiet car and it is dark outside...a person has time to think. And think, I did. Cory and I both were thinking about Beckett to ourselves. I looked at him and said, "Are you thinking about him?" He said yes..."Where do you think he would sitting in this car?" I said in Grace's spot and Holden wanted to sit in the back seat kitty corner to the baby so he could keep an eye on him/her. I think that started the tears for both of us. We quietly cried alone, but together. It was a tender moment. We did not have to share words to know what each other were thinking. We wished our baby boy to be with us. We wished to show him off to family. We wished to have all our children with us on Christmas. Really, that is everyday...but on Christmas when you gather with all your family and friends, you really feel that missing part. We took a picture of all the grand kids in front of the Christmas tree, but there was no Beckett. That really hurts. It really pisses you off.

On Friday a couple of my aunts and my g'ma and g'pa came out for a visit and breakfast. It was great to see them...it is really hard to see people for the first time, even if it does not show. You just don't know where your emotions will take you and it is scary. I am just so vulnerable right now.

On Saturday, my sisters and mom and I went to Litchfield for coffee. It was the first time I have had french pressed coffee and I loved it. I had 3 cups! I paid for that later...I got the shakes and my whole body was buzzing! I will remember that next time! We had a good time together though. Later on I got a visit from a friend of my moms...she gave me some really nice things! It is hard to be a gracious receiver sometimes, but I am learning. THANK YOU! Really, she did too much but I am telling myself...no one is doing it because they feel they have to, but they want to. She also wrote me a great letter, that made me cry~I am happy to have it. Thanks for the visit.

There were only a few other moments of tears. Having so many people around, there was not much time and I got caught up in the moment. There were definitely times I wanted to throw something and just have a break down...but who wants to ruin all the fun?!:) Sherri asked for a moment of silence to remember Beckett...mom made some special ornaments this year in remembrance of Beck. That is what started the moment. I could not look at anyone, I could just look at the floor. We are all hurting and all missing him.

To end the weekend though we met up with some friends that I grew up with. Cory was very sweet and drove the group. It was great to see everyone and laugh. I truly had some good laughs...I have not really laughed like that in a long time. THANK YOU to all of you, too. I needed that.

Well, I am in the midst of making a donation pile in the basement! Too many things! The kids have their cousins over today, so I am able to slip things into boxes without them knowing! They have issues with letting go of things! I need to keep my roll going...