We hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! We had an excellent and relaxing day! The food was delicious (I can say that because I did not make it:). The kids had a lot of fun entertaining each other. We got up at 4am to brave the crowds for Christmas shopping. Having a large belly gets you a little special treatment. We took a break to head to the clinic for a NST and quick chat with our doctor.
Baby looked great on the NST. Lots of dips and peaks. We anxiously awaiting our doctor to come in and discuss our options. We asked if Friday was the only day that we could deliver. She was direct and said, "You know the risks. Your baby is not mature, but yes we can deliver earlier if you want to." I think she saw the wild look in my eye because she suggested we do it for my mental health. We walked out to see what was available in her schedule. We are scheduled first case Tuesday, December 1st. This is an agonizing decision. This was a decision I thought would be easy...given all of my feelings. Once it was switched I felt a wave of emotions, not all necessarily good. I felt relief. I felt happy to have a date. I felt my heart sink...hoping we are making a smart decision. All the what ifs flood me. This is what we wanted. However, when faced with making a concious decision about when to have this baby (knowing what we know), we will be responsible for the outcome. There is no where else to place the blame if something happens. It is a difficult decision to make. It would be easier if I just went into labor naturally, then it is out of our control. Ironic when you are given a little control you are scared of taking it. We do know through all of the research we have done that our baby should be fine. There is a very small chance the baby will have trouble breathing. I think the chance of having a repeat stillbirth and the chance of breathing difficulties are about the same. I will be 38 weeks and 3 days on Tuesday. My heart is heavy with fear. However, I believe I would feel that way no matter what.
So, Tuesday is the scheduled day. We are hoping for an uncomplicated c-section and a healthy baby.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
We got the news today that we will not be having our baby on Friday. The baby's lungs are still not developed enough to proceed. A huge disappointment for us. We had not been really preparing at all for a delivery Friday as we did not want to be let down again, but it was still a hard pill to swallow. I thought maybe if I didn't think it would happen it would. When the nurse called me I knew right away it was not going to be the news I wanted. I could tell that she felt awful. The nurse and I have been chummy since I started doing NST's at 32 weeks. Baby got a 37. So, that was a huge leap from 12 but not good enough. I could just about kick myself, though. As I was laying there waiting for them to find a "good spot" for the amnio, we were joking around. My doctor was telling us that one time during surgery the OR team forgot to give her a hat for surgery so she took the father's hat and put it on backwards to keep the hair out of her eyes for surgery. I told her that Cory would let her keep one of his hats if it meant we could deliver the baby on Friday. She looked at me and said "Holly we can go ahead and just do a c-section on Friday if you want. We can skip this and take our chances." Cory and I both said "No, we are here. I couldn't live with myself if something bad happened." Well, after hearing it is a no go...I thought I can't live with myself if this baby is stillborn too. At least if it was born it would be okay...it might just need a little help. That seems more bearable than visiting a grave yard.
After I heard the news, I screamed some choice words:) (Yes, I was alone:) I punched pillows and I felt physically ill. I had to hang up with Cory because I was sick. I was just instantly sick with fear.
It is really hard to explain these fears to someone who has not experienced this type of loss. It is not that I don't know the baby is better off inside for a while longer. It isn't that I am just dying to meet and hold this baby. It is that I think this baby will die too. I think this baby stands a better chance outside of me where people can do something if there is a problem. What I am trying to do and what people are asking me to do is trust in God. But, God took our baby just last year. We are still grieving. We still do not fully trust the plan. We are hurt. We are scared. So, I know everyone means well, but please don't tell me that everything will be okay. Everything will be fine. Nobody knows that. Living without our little boy doesn't feel fine. Life is unpredictable and uncontrollable and that is scary.
I am so thankful that we have a house full of company this weekend. It will make the days go by faster. I will go in again on Friday at 11am for a NST and to discuss options. We will hope for a delivery at the beginning half of the week. We will keep people posted. Again, thanks for all the prayers-they have to work sometime don't they?
After I heard the news, I screamed some choice words:) (Yes, I was alone:) I punched pillows and I felt physically ill. I had to hang up with Cory because I was sick. I was just instantly sick with fear.
It is really hard to explain these fears to someone who has not experienced this type of loss. It is not that I don't know the baby is better off inside for a while longer. It isn't that I am just dying to meet and hold this baby. It is that I think this baby will die too. I think this baby stands a better chance outside of me where people can do something if there is a problem. What I am trying to do and what people are asking me to do is trust in God. But, God took our baby just last year. We are still grieving. We still do not fully trust the plan. We are hurt. We are scared. So, I know everyone means well, but please don't tell me that everything will be okay. Everything will be fine. Nobody knows that. Living without our little boy doesn't feel fine. Life is unpredictable and uncontrollable and that is scary.
I am so thankful that we have a house full of company this weekend. It will make the days go by faster. I will go in again on Friday at 11am for a NST and to discuss options. We will hope for a delivery at the beginning half of the week. We will keep people posted. Again, thanks for all the prayers-they have to work sometime don't they?
Friday, November 20, 2009
A silver lining...
Since so many have asked what is next I thought I'd fill people in. I am done with the steroid shots and baby looked great yesterday on the NST. I was able to have more clarity on what the numbr 12 meant and what I can expect from here. 12 is a level of sufacant in the lungs of the baby. They would have expected our baby to be near 50. Being a 12 does not mean that they baby would be in a lot of trouble if he/she was born. It would even be possible for the baby to be born and be perfectly fine or it could need to be in the NICU for a few days with some help of oxygen. I was told they would not stop any labor at this point even knowing what they know, but they will not do an elective surgery with those numbers. They would expect, typically, for a baby to reach the level of about 40 with the steroids (a baby withour numbers). That coupled with the 6 days the baby is able to grow and mature it is a possibility that I could deliver next Friday (27th). After we received that information we have decided we would do the 2nd amnio and hope for good results. The lastest they would make me wait is December 4th. I think with the level of anxiety, stress, and sleepless nights I have been having...we are really hoping to just have to push through another week.
I was up at 2am until 6am last night. The baby was so still and was not moving when I'd try to wake it so I got really anxious. At about 5am I decided to have some yogurt and a cold glass of water...otherwise I was planning on heading in to get things checked. The food and water did the trick and I was able to fall back asleep until I was woken up by my sweet boy. So, this will be a challenging week but we have some things planned to make things go a little faster. AND, my sister and her family are coming on Wednesday because they have no school- so we are really excited to have their company.
Here is the silver lining...my friend just called to tell me they have lifted the ban on visitors at the hospital!!!! I can't even tell you how awesome that is. If I had the choice to wait a week so our kids could be apart of all of this at the hospital-there would have been no question I would have toughed it out so they could be there. That is just the greatest news and makes all of this a little more exciting. It will kill me to have to wait to tell them just in case things change quickly, but I think I will keep it under wraps until we know when we are going in.
I was up at 2am until 6am last night. The baby was so still and was not moving when I'd try to wake it so I got really anxious. At about 5am I decided to have some yogurt and a cold glass of water...otherwise I was planning on heading in to get things checked. The food and water did the trick and I was able to fall back asleep until I was woken up by my sweet boy. So, this will be a challenging week but we have some things planned to make things go a little faster. AND, my sister and her family are coming on Wednesday because they have no school- so we are really excited to have their company.
Here is the silver lining...my friend just called to tell me they have lifted the ban on visitors at the hospital!!!! I can't even tell you how awesome that is. If I had the choice to wait a week so our kids could be apart of all of this at the hospital-there would have been no question I would have toughed it out so they could be there. That is just the greatest news and makes all of this a little more exciting. It will kill me to have to wait to tell them just in case things change quickly, but I think I will keep it under wraps until we know when we are going in.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
A HUGE disappointment...
I received the news around 1:30 today that the amnio came back with not so great news. Baby K is no where near ready to be born. It is not on the "immature" radar. I can't even begin to put into words how hearing this news made me feel. I tried to prepare myself for the unlikely possibility that our baby would not be ready. However, I have failed that attempt as my reaction to the news clearly shows. Our baby got a lung maturity of 12. That is severly low in medical terms. 40 is considered "immature". I am not sure what kind of number means mature but I believe it is above 60. So, we have a long way to go. I was given 2 options-neither which I liked-but I have choices. I could either get a series of steroid injections and repeat amnio with possiblility of delivering on Friday the 28th or wait until 39 weeks to deliver. Hmmm...I am going crazy each day that passes. Each day feels like another step closer to death.
We opted to go for the steroid injections, which I have gotten the first shot just an hour ago. Let me tell you this hurt!! I'd rather have an amnio. When we went in this morning I really nervous. It went pretty quick and was undoubtly uncomfortable but not painful. The shot in the butt was way more painful. In fact I am sitting on an ice pack right now. My doctor is shocked by the number, as well as the perinatalogist. But, she says it does not mean anything is wrong. Our baby just happens to fall into that small percentage of babies that are not ready. I think steroids are the way to go though because if I happen to go into labor naturally I am concerned on how the baby will fair without a little help. This is my 4th child so anything can happen.
I am definately beyond disappointed. I am feeling pretty awful. I just don't understand why God would put us through all of this. I know having a healthy baby is what we want more than anything, but right now it is a little hard to digest the news. We are not even close. Why? I just feel so abandoned...left to suffer. Not only do we need to worry about loosing the baby...we need to worry about the baby's lung health.
Thanks for all the support and prayers! I guess put them towards the following week, I guess.
We opted to go for the steroid injections, which I have gotten the first shot just an hour ago. Let me tell you this hurt!! I'd rather have an amnio. When we went in this morning I really nervous. It went pretty quick and was undoubtly uncomfortable but not painful. The shot in the butt was way more painful. In fact I am sitting on an ice pack right now. My doctor is shocked by the number, as well as the perinatalogist. But, she says it does not mean anything is wrong. Our baby just happens to fall into that small percentage of babies that are not ready. I think steroids are the way to go though because if I happen to go into labor naturally I am concerned on how the baby will fair without a little help. This is my 4th child so anything can happen.
I am definately beyond disappointed. I am feeling pretty awful. I just don't understand why God would put us through all of this. I know having a healthy baby is what we want more than anything, but right now it is a little hard to digest the news. We are not even close. Why? I just feel so abandoned...left to suffer. Not only do we need to worry about loosing the baby...we need to worry about the baby's lung health.
Thanks for all the support and prayers! I guess put them towards the following week, I guess.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
A little update...
We got a call yesterday moving our amnio up to Wednesday morning. My Dr. has jury duty?! Great timing.
I hope that the 24 hours is not a make or break for us. The waiting is killing me. I feel like we are on borrowed time and it is just a matter of hours sometimes that our baby will be taken to heaven again. Yesterday was the exact point in my pregnancy with Beckett when we lost him. Ok, as I just wrote that the baby gave me a hefty kick to the rib. I feel like it is Beck's spirit following this baby along in there and he gives me jabs when I talk negatively.
Anyway, it looks like we will know Wednesday late afternoon (that is what we want) if delivery will happen on Friday. I guess the sooner we get the results the more likely the lungs are not mature.
This day could not come fast enough, but at the same time I feel like there is so much to do and not enough time to do it.
Send up some prayers for some healthy lungs Wednesday! And, let's hoe I don't pass out when I see that LOOOONG needle:)
I hope that the 24 hours is not a make or break for us. The waiting is killing me. I feel like we are on borrowed time and it is just a matter of hours sometimes that our baby will be taken to heaven again. Yesterday was the exact point in my pregnancy with Beckett when we lost him. Ok, as I just wrote that the baby gave me a hefty kick to the rib. I feel like it is Beck's spirit following this baby along in there and he gives me jabs when I talk negatively.
Anyway, it looks like we will know Wednesday late afternoon (that is what we want) if delivery will happen on Friday. I guess the sooner we get the results the more likely the lungs are not mature.
This day could not come fast enough, but at the same time I feel like there is so much to do and not enough time to do it.
Send up some prayers for some healthy lungs Wednesday! And, let's hoe I don't pass out when I see that LOOOONG needle:)
Saturday, November 14, 2009
To my forever baby Beckett,
You are in my thoughts all the time little buddy. I look at your pictures several times a day trying to memorize those features and how it felt to hold you in my arms. It was so hard to plant your face with kisses because I was trembling so bad. We waited so long for you to get here. We were all so excited to finally meet you and learn who this amazing little human being was and what he/she would become. We were SO close...so close to having you here with us. I just feel if we woudl have had one more test, if I would have been told to count your movements, if we would have gotten the care we are getting now...you just might be here today. I know you are safe where you are, but it doens't change the fact that I miss you everyday. I think of you all day. I walk around with a hole in my heart. Out of our tragedy in loosing you we have been blessed with another child. You will have a little brother or sister soon. Our hearts will NEVER get over the loss of you, but I feel a little more hopeful about the future. That was a gift from you. I wish you were here too, to share in the excitement with your brother and sister. I know that you have come to me recently, I have felt your presence. I am the one soupposed to be caring for you but I know you are there helping me make my way through this pregnancy. I want to ask that you be there with us when it is time to deliver your brother/sister. I need you to be with me and let me know it is all going to be alright. I need you to know there is not a single person in this enitre world who could ever take your place, if anything it will solidify your place in our family. It will be hard for me to hold this child and not think of you. It will be hard to not imagine you and all that you did not get to do. You never opened your eyes, we never heard your voice, you never took a breath...If there are any kind of strings you can pull for your mommy up in heaven...I pretty much depending on some healthy lungs for Baby K so we can meet him/her on Friday (preferably as early in the day as possible:) I love you Beckett and I so wish you were here...always. Love , Mommy
To our unborn child,
Some day you will learn about your family. Someday you will learn that you should have two older brothers. Someday you will learn how your beautiful, precious life fits into the story of our family. We have struggled through one of the hardest years of our lives as a family. Learning we were expecting you on Easter day 2009 was a wonderful and intense day! I will never, ever forget the events leading up to finding out and seeing your daddies reaction. We were VERY surprised. We were VERY excited. We were VERY nervous and scared. You were watched pretty closely from very early on. There were countless times when I thought I'd lost you or would loose you (as I write this those are still really big fears). I have devoted so much time and attention to you as you grow...I just can't wait to shower that all on you when you arrive. You have given our family hope. You have given us all excitement. You have given us all an immense gift. Those are all things you can't and won't understand the gravity of until you are much older. I just want you to know that you are wanted, loved, and cherished. I feel so bonded to you both physically and spiritually. This is the only pregnancy that I have been aware and intent on each movement. Actually you are probably aware of that because all of the poking and proding you have been put through already. Holden and Grace love to touch your butt. They think it is so funny! You like to stick your butt out from time to time and they love to rub it. Matter of fact, you have stuck your butt up right at your mother's doctor. Very nice, I guess we might have to have the "what is appropriate and not appropriate" talks with you as well. I can't wait to meet you and have those conversations with you. I hope I get to. I cant wait to hold your face to mine and hear you little noses. I can't wait to examine every inch of your body. I can't wait to lay you on my chest and feel you breath. I can't wait to hear you cry. I can't wait to see your arms and legs stretch out. I can't wait to feed you. I can't wait to rock you. I can't wait to introduce you to everyone. I want you to know how much we love you and want that chance to raise you. You were never conceived as a "replacement". You are not hear to make us feel whole again. You are not here to take away our grief. You are not here for any other reason than the fact that we love you and want you. Keep working on those little lungs! We want to hear your scream loud and clear on Friday. We want to shower you in warmth and love. I can't wait to smooch those chunky cheeks (well they look chunky on the pictures). Love, Mommy
We have a very busy weekend to look forward to which is great because it helps getting me to next Thursday sooner. The more distractions the better at this point. Holden has 3 hockey games this weekend. We are heading to the Peter Pan play tonight with the kids. And, of course the Vikings play on Sunday. We also have a list of things to accomplish, mostly having to do with getting ready for the baby. I kind of hope to have the room somewhat together. I can't wait to find out which color scheme is going to be used. There are a lot of people guessing I am having a girl. I really don't know what to think...all I know is that I swallowed a basketball. And, I'd just like to put this on record for my grandmother Olga, who has had 12 children, guessed I was having a boy judging by my widening backside...well grandma lately several people have commented they didn't even notice I was pregnant! I am not saying I am not huge but maybe my butt isn't as wide as you led me to believe:) She has a pretty accurate track record, though, so I don't totally disregard her opinion!
We love the names we have picked out, but are still searching for a middle name for a girl. Their are so many people thinking it is a girl so we better make sure we have a solid name. It is so much fun not knowing what the gender is. If I didn't have that to look forward to I think I'd have a tougher time getting to the delivery. I am so curious...
I have to share a cute Grace story. There are many but this one needs to be put into a scrapbook one day (this blog will be great for that). We are having the babies pictures taken by Rialee Photography. Look her up and see her beautiful work http://www.rialeephotography.com/ She was the same photographer that came and took pictures of us with Beckett and went above and beyond anything we would have hoped for. She was supposed to photograph him alive but was brave enough to take on a different type of photo session. Well, we hope to have a little boy or girl to photograph very soon after delivery. Anyhow...Grace needed something to wear for pictures and after about 2 months of looking and Interent shopping I found something that is perfect and she loves it, we just needed to go purchase it. I dressed her up in black tights, black knee high boots, a sparkly Hannah Montana shirt and a jean jacket to head out for a little shopping. She looked pretty darn cute:) She really thought she was Hannah Montana for a day! When we were walking out the door she came back in to grab a pen "just in case someone wants my autograph. Mom where should I sign it for people on their arm or something?" She was strutting her stuff, but unfortunately no one had mistaken her for Hannah Montana. She got in the house and said, "Well I guess no one wanted my autograph." I told her I'd like it and I got the 14 year old eye roll and "MOM!" She is growing up tooooo fast.
I hope everyone has a great weekend and if you can sneak in a few prayer for healthy lungs that would be super:) By the way, I can't find the check spelling icon anymore so I apologize!
You are in my thoughts all the time little buddy. I look at your pictures several times a day trying to memorize those features and how it felt to hold you in my arms. It was so hard to plant your face with kisses because I was trembling so bad. We waited so long for you to get here. We were all so excited to finally meet you and learn who this amazing little human being was and what he/she would become. We were SO close...so close to having you here with us. I just feel if we woudl have had one more test, if I would have been told to count your movements, if we would have gotten the care we are getting now...you just might be here today. I know you are safe where you are, but it doens't change the fact that I miss you everyday. I think of you all day. I walk around with a hole in my heart. Out of our tragedy in loosing you we have been blessed with another child. You will have a little brother or sister soon. Our hearts will NEVER get over the loss of you, but I feel a little more hopeful about the future. That was a gift from you. I wish you were here too, to share in the excitement with your brother and sister. I know that you have come to me recently, I have felt your presence. I am the one soupposed to be caring for you but I know you are there helping me make my way through this pregnancy. I want to ask that you be there with us when it is time to deliver your brother/sister. I need you to be with me and let me know it is all going to be alright. I need you to know there is not a single person in this enitre world who could ever take your place, if anything it will solidify your place in our family. It will be hard for me to hold this child and not think of you. It will be hard to not imagine you and all that you did not get to do. You never opened your eyes, we never heard your voice, you never took a breath...If there are any kind of strings you can pull for your mommy up in heaven...I pretty much depending on some healthy lungs for Baby K so we can meet him/her on Friday (preferably as early in the day as possible:) I love you Beckett and I so wish you were here...always. Love , Mommy
To our unborn child,
Some day you will learn about your family. Someday you will learn that you should have two older brothers. Someday you will learn how your beautiful, precious life fits into the story of our family. We have struggled through one of the hardest years of our lives as a family. Learning we were expecting you on Easter day 2009 was a wonderful and intense day! I will never, ever forget the events leading up to finding out and seeing your daddies reaction. We were VERY surprised. We were VERY excited. We were VERY nervous and scared. You were watched pretty closely from very early on. There were countless times when I thought I'd lost you or would loose you (as I write this those are still really big fears). I have devoted so much time and attention to you as you grow...I just can't wait to shower that all on you when you arrive. You have given our family hope. You have given us all excitement. You have given us all an immense gift. Those are all things you can't and won't understand the gravity of until you are much older. I just want you to know that you are wanted, loved, and cherished. I feel so bonded to you both physically and spiritually. This is the only pregnancy that I have been aware and intent on each movement. Actually you are probably aware of that because all of the poking and proding you have been put through already. Holden and Grace love to touch your butt. They think it is so funny! You like to stick your butt out from time to time and they love to rub it. Matter of fact, you have stuck your butt up right at your mother's doctor. Very nice, I guess we might have to have the "what is appropriate and not appropriate" talks with you as well. I can't wait to meet you and have those conversations with you. I hope I get to. I cant wait to hold your face to mine and hear you little noses. I can't wait to examine every inch of your body. I can't wait to lay you on my chest and feel you breath. I can't wait to hear you cry. I can't wait to see your arms and legs stretch out. I can't wait to feed you. I can't wait to rock you. I can't wait to introduce you to everyone. I want you to know how much we love you and want that chance to raise you. You were never conceived as a "replacement". You are not hear to make us feel whole again. You are not here to take away our grief. You are not here for any other reason than the fact that we love you and want you. Keep working on those little lungs! We want to hear your scream loud and clear on Friday. We want to shower you in warmth and love. I can't wait to smooch those chunky cheeks (well they look chunky on the pictures). Love, Mommy
We have a very busy weekend to look forward to which is great because it helps getting me to next Thursday sooner. The more distractions the better at this point. Holden has 3 hockey games this weekend. We are heading to the Peter Pan play tonight with the kids. And, of course the Vikings play on Sunday. We also have a list of things to accomplish, mostly having to do with getting ready for the baby. I kind of hope to have the room somewhat together. I can't wait to find out which color scheme is going to be used. There are a lot of people guessing I am having a girl. I really don't know what to think...all I know is that I swallowed a basketball. And, I'd just like to put this on record for my grandmother Olga, who has had 12 children, guessed I was having a boy judging by my widening backside...well grandma lately several people have commented they didn't even notice I was pregnant! I am not saying I am not huge but maybe my butt isn't as wide as you led me to believe:) She has a pretty accurate track record, though, so I don't totally disregard her opinion!
We love the names we have picked out, but are still searching for a middle name for a girl. Their are so many people thinking it is a girl so we better make sure we have a solid name. It is so much fun not knowing what the gender is. If I didn't have that to look forward to I think I'd have a tougher time getting to the delivery. I am so curious...
I have to share a cute Grace story. There are many but this one needs to be put into a scrapbook one day (this blog will be great for that). We are having the babies pictures taken by Rialee Photography. Look her up and see her beautiful work http://www.rialeephotography.com/ She was the same photographer that came and took pictures of us with Beckett and went above and beyond anything we would have hoped for. She was supposed to photograph him alive but was brave enough to take on a different type of photo session. Well, we hope to have a little boy or girl to photograph very soon after delivery. Anyhow...Grace needed something to wear for pictures and after about 2 months of looking and Interent shopping I found something that is perfect and she loves it, we just needed to go purchase it. I dressed her up in black tights, black knee high boots, a sparkly Hannah Montana shirt and a jean jacket to head out for a little shopping. She looked pretty darn cute:) She really thought she was Hannah Montana for a day! When we were walking out the door she came back in to grab a pen "just in case someone wants my autograph. Mom where should I sign it for people on their arm or something?" She was strutting her stuff, but unfortunately no one had mistaken her for Hannah Montana. She got in the house and said, "Well I guess no one wanted my autograph." I told her I'd like it and I got the 14 year old eye roll and "MOM!" She is growing up tooooo fast.
I hope everyone has a great weekend and if you can sneak in a few prayer for healthy lungs that would be super:) By the way, I can't find the check spelling icon anymore so I apologize!
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
So many things are taking place and I am starting to feel very overwhelmed. I feel like I am really struggling emotionally. As the date gets closer I feel like all these "things" are in the way and non of it are things that I can control and it is getting very hard to not just "freak out". The kids both started to get sick this weekend, Grace before Holden. Grace tested negative for H1N1 but when I took Holden in to the walk-in yesterday he said he was almost positive that is what we are dealing with and that we were out of the window to treat for Tamiflu and he was not in the category of kids they would treat. I was fine with that as I noticed that Grace was acting like a crazy lunatic in the doctor's office. She was wild! In a cute way, though...so that was good. I figured they both had basically the exact same symptoms so Holden would be better in a couple of days. So far it seems to have been pretty mild. A lot of laying around and only drinking fluids. So naturally, I have been a mad woman disinfecting surfaces 10 times a day, washing sheets daily (does anyone know if flu virus can live on bedding?), washing hands every 10 minutes, nasal rinses, gargling...the list goes on:) If I get it I just hope to get it sooner rather than later, Cory as well. Again, this is nothing I can control and better now than after baby. I can be really rational, however, sometimes I start to throw a quiet pity party for myself (I guess I am inviting you all in now:) Things could be worse...much worse.
So those words take me somewhere else. I am extrememly scared, nervous, anxious, excited...my feelings are all over the board. What if? What if something happens? What if somethign bad happens? I don't think I can handle another heartbreak. I know I can't. That fear is very overpowering. It pushes all rational feelings aside. It takes over. I run through being in the operating room last October and how excruciating everything was. I can't picture a happy scenerio-all I can think of is all the bad that can happen. I try to remember back to when Holden and Grace were born. The only positive experience I had was when Grace was born. Things went pretty smooth. Holden was more of a frantic scenerio trying to get him out quickly and I felt like I was being suffocated...I felt like I had no air and I was dying. Grace was pretty smooth. Beckett, well I think I have been over that before. I am terrified to go back to the hospital again. I am terrified to walk the same hallway. I am terrified to sit there and wait while they prep me. I am terrified that something will go wrong. I am terrified I will not hear our baby's cry. These are real fears. It is eating me up inside. Then I think, ok so everything turns out great, then where does that leave me in all of this? There is no manual on where to go from here. I guess I will have to find my own way.
I am truely grateful that my sister and mom and dad will be here Thursday night (granted amnio is good). I think it will help take my mind off of everything. There is also this calmness that I always feel when they are here. It gives me something else to look forward too. I have only seen my family once since the end of August so I will be very excited to have them here! We are also going to have some visitors for Thanksgiving this year. This is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity!:) The kids are really excited to not have to travel "for once" they say. Holden think he and his dad are going to make a special cake. I am sure it will be really special if Cory is involved:)
Grace came downstairs this morning and the first thing she said was, "Two things today mom! Only 9 more days until the baby and field trip day at school!" I think her baby excitement has returned. This past weekend her and I decided to pack a bag for the baby with the stuff he/she would need for the hospital. I never bought a "coming home" outfit...as this is just something too assuming. I have 2 drawers one with boys clothes (all from Holden/Charlie) and one with girls clothes (all from Grace). She chose a little pink Zebra outfit she wore when she was just a few days old for the girls to wear. She also picked a little outfit Charlie (Jaosn and Chris's boy) wore. She took her time folding each outfit very neatly. She picked out the socks. She picked out a sleeper (white of course:). She really enjoyed doing that. One of the cutest things she packed was a set of earplugs for Cory for when the baby cries!
We still have yet to get the baby's room in any kind of order. The walls are completely primed but nothing else is set up...just a ladder. Maybe this weekend we will be able to get a little more done. Two of my good friends, who have been extrememly supportive of everything we have gone through and are going through, have volunteered to paint the baby's room while we are in the hosptial. I think it will be fun to come home and see it all pulled together. I hope my mom and sister know they will have to pull it all together! Well the personal touches will have to be done a few weeks later. Hmmm...Mandie might be coming for Thanksgiving...I wonder what kind of creative touch I can talk her into doing:)?
So those words take me somewhere else. I am extrememly scared, nervous, anxious, excited...my feelings are all over the board. What if? What if something happens? What if somethign bad happens? I don't think I can handle another heartbreak. I know I can't. That fear is very overpowering. It pushes all rational feelings aside. It takes over. I run through being in the operating room last October and how excruciating everything was. I can't picture a happy scenerio-all I can think of is all the bad that can happen. I try to remember back to when Holden and Grace were born. The only positive experience I had was when Grace was born. Things went pretty smooth. Holden was more of a frantic scenerio trying to get him out quickly and I felt like I was being suffocated...I felt like I had no air and I was dying. Grace was pretty smooth. Beckett, well I think I have been over that before. I am terrified to go back to the hospital again. I am terrified to walk the same hallway. I am terrified to sit there and wait while they prep me. I am terrified that something will go wrong. I am terrified I will not hear our baby's cry. These are real fears. It is eating me up inside. Then I think, ok so everything turns out great, then where does that leave me in all of this? There is no manual on where to go from here. I guess I will have to find my own way.
I am truely grateful that my sister and mom and dad will be here Thursday night (granted amnio is good). I think it will help take my mind off of everything. There is also this calmness that I always feel when they are here. It gives me something else to look forward too. I have only seen my family once since the end of August so I will be very excited to have them here! We are also going to have some visitors for Thanksgiving this year. This is probably a once in a lifetime opportunity!:) The kids are really excited to not have to travel "for once" they say. Holden think he and his dad are going to make a special cake. I am sure it will be really special if Cory is involved:)
Grace came downstairs this morning and the first thing she said was, "Two things today mom! Only 9 more days until the baby and field trip day at school!" I think her baby excitement has returned. This past weekend her and I decided to pack a bag for the baby with the stuff he/she would need for the hospital. I never bought a "coming home" outfit...as this is just something too assuming. I have 2 drawers one with boys clothes (all from Holden/Charlie) and one with girls clothes (all from Grace). She chose a little pink Zebra outfit she wore when she was just a few days old for the girls to wear. She also picked a little outfit Charlie (Jaosn and Chris's boy) wore. She took her time folding each outfit very neatly. She picked out the socks. She picked out a sleeper (white of course:). She really enjoyed doing that. One of the cutest things she packed was a set of earplugs for Cory for when the baby cries!
We still have yet to get the baby's room in any kind of order. The walls are completely primed but nothing else is set up...just a ladder. Maybe this weekend we will be able to get a little more done. Two of my good friends, who have been extrememly supportive of everything we have gone through and are going through, have volunteered to paint the baby's room while we are in the hosptial. I think it will be fun to come home and see it all pulled together. I hope my mom and sister know they will have to pull it all together! Well the personal touches will have to be done a few weeks later. Hmmm...Mandie might be coming for Thanksgiving...I wonder what kind of creative touch I can talk her into doing:)?
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I graduated
Today was our last ultrasound and visit to the perinatologists. We waited nearly an hour past our appointment time. There was "something unexpected" that came up with another patient. If this would have happened to me a "before" I lost Beckett, I would have been very impatient. But, now my heart just goes out to whomever may be facing a crisis. We got to see our little chubby, cheeked baby today. He/she looks so big on the screen now. I found myself sad for a couple of reasons. Of course, I think of Beckett and how we lost him at just about 9 days at this point in our pregnancy with him. I think of how this maybe the last time I see this baby alive. I think, holy crap, we could be holding this little baby in just 16 days. I think, I am kind of sad that this will be the last time I see these nurses/doctors. You get used to these faces. You are not treated like just another number or pregnant person. There is a level of understanding there that they know things can turn on a dime. They seem to be very sympathetic to the anxieties that mothers who have lost babies feel.
Baby looked great today from it's head to it's little feet. All vitals looked great. Biophysical looked great. Growth was at the 22nd percentile today. A dip from 55% just 4 weeks ago. Baby is at about 5 lbs. On the ultrasound screen it had my e.d.d. at 12/19/09. I asked the ultrasound tech and she seemed sure of that date. We have been told for the last 6 months is was 12/11/09. This is important because this could potentially change delivery. Luckily, we were right! Thank goodness or I might have had an emotional breakdown right there! In the doctors opinion, I am very likely to be able to deliver on the 20th. I also wanted to know what kind of risk I was at for loosing this baby with all the information we have right now and my stats have significantly improved. 1-3%...although I know this doesn't guarantee ANYTHING. I got that 10% out of my head. However, we were in the low percentile risk with Beck too. Maybe hearing all of that information will help me get a full nights rest. Even with taking Ambien I am not sleeping well...I realize most pregnant people do not get much sleep now, but that just means more time to worry (nighttime is when my anxiety is at its highest). Last night though, I didn't even move until I woke up this morning at 6am. Incredible what a good night's sleep can do for a person.
When Holden got home from school I let him know that the baby looked great today and really healthy. The first thing he said was "Good then that probably means this baby won't die." It absolutely breaks my heart that he "gets it" even if it is on another level. He is concerned for this baby too and cautiously excited. Grace just said, "I just don't have that much excitement about baby today." So cute...I don't really think she has any clue as to what having a baby in the house will be like. We've been talking about it for nearly 2 years now. I am sure she is ready for this whole "baby" thing to happen.
If anyone came to our house today...you would really see no clues that we are hoping to bring home our baby in 16 days. Most of everything is still packed away, except for some diapers, wipes and a few clothes. The baby's room looks nothing like a baby's room. There is nothing "ready" just some primer on the walls. We hope to do a few more things to "get ready" this weekend.
Baby looked great today from it's head to it's little feet. All vitals looked great. Biophysical looked great. Growth was at the 22nd percentile today. A dip from 55% just 4 weeks ago. Baby is at about 5 lbs. On the ultrasound screen it had my e.d.d. at 12/19/09. I asked the ultrasound tech and she seemed sure of that date. We have been told for the last 6 months is was 12/11/09. This is important because this could potentially change delivery. Luckily, we were right! Thank goodness or I might have had an emotional breakdown right there! In the doctors opinion, I am very likely to be able to deliver on the 20th. I also wanted to know what kind of risk I was at for loosing this baby with all the information we have right now and my stats have significantly improved. 1-3%...although I know this doesn't guarantee ANYTHING. I got that 10% out of my head. However, we were in the low percentile risk with Beck too. Maybe hearing all of that information will help me get a full nights rest. Even with taking Ambien I am not sleeping well...I realize most pregnant people do not get much sleep now, but that just means more time to worry (nighttime is when my anxiety is at its highest). Last night though, I didn't even move until I woke up this morning at 6am. Incredible what a good night's sleep can do for a person.
When Holden got home from school I let him know that the baby looked great today and really healthy. The first thing he said was "Good then that probably means this baby won't die." It absolutely breaks my heart that he "gets it" even if it is on another level. He is concerned for this baby too and cautiously excited. Grace just said, "I just don't have that much excitement about baby today." So cute...I don't really think she has any clue as to what having a baby in the house will be like. We've been talking about it for nearly 2 years now. I am sure she is ready for this whole "baby" thing to happen.
If anyone came to our house today...you would really see no clues that we are hoping to bring home our baby in 16 days. Most of everything is still packed away, except for some diapers, wipes and a few clothes. The baby's room looks nothing like a baby's room. There is nothing "ready" just some primer on the walls. We hope to do a few more things to "get ready" this weekend.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
The final piece...
We got a notice in the mail on Saturday that Beck's grave marker was installed. Within 15 minutes we were over there to take a look. I could not wait another minute. As soon as we got there tears immediately came, my stomach tightened, and my heart felt like it was in a vice grip. There lies the body of our little baby. There is the stone that will forever mark his place in a cemetery. Not exactly a peaceful feeling. I could not stop the tears from falling. The stone itself is perfect, beautiful and a proper marker for our little Beckett. There on his stone lay a Minneapolis 2009 Marathon Finisher Medal. Jamie ran her first full marathon on the anniversary of Beck's death. She ran the last mile in honor of Beckett. I know that she worked so hard training for that marathon. Lots and lots of hours of running...it takes a lot of focus and drive to not to say forget it...it is too hard. But she did it (as we all knew she would). AND to see her medal laying on Beck's grave was an indescribable feeling. A feeling that has no adequate words, just tears. Thank you Jamie! Here is a photo of Beckett's grave marker. We feel it is as perfect as it can get. Thanks also to Cory's mom and Keith for sharing the expense.
I love you little Beckett. I wish we were picking out Christmas gifts for you instead of something to mark your grave. We never thought in a million years that you would not be with us today. We love you more than you will ever know!
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